I ignored him. “But, Mom, I have basketball!”
She reached back and patted my knee. “Basketball is not an enrichment activity, Raj.”
Dad looked over at her. “If Raj wants something really enriching,” he said, “he can study food fermentation with me. I’m starting a six-week intensive online course tomorrow!”
I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that.
“I think you’ll enjoy being a member of the newspaper club,” Mom said. Then she smiled. “Now that that’s settled, how about we stop at Ramen-O-Rama for dinner?”
“Yum!” Dad said. “Did you know that soy sauce is a product of food fermentation?”
“I hope you don’t think you can buy me off with ramen,” I muttered from the back seat, crossing my arms.
The truth was, though, that she could. Ramen-O-Rama was the best.
CHAPTER 6
My morning began with a pawful of particularly inspired gleets.
@LordofAllLivingMatter
Imperial Edict #37: All canines must be leashed when traveling outside the Dog Star Cluster.
7,505 1,207 2,630
@LordofAllLivingMatter
Imperial Edict #38: Every being in the universe shall recognize the emperor’s tail as their basic unit of measurement.
8,988 2,304 1,999
@LordofAllLivingMatter
Imperial Edict #39: The stars of the Thwok-P constellation shall be rearranged to make a portrait of my face.
5,336 1,341 2,102
Ordering the entire universe around made me realize that it had been almost twelve hours since I had last ordered my ogre around. Also, governing so effectively makes one famished.
“Peon! The emperor requires his breakfast now,” I announced.
At the moment, the boy-ogre was scurrying about his cluttered room in a fruitless search for his favorite foot coverings. He often did this before leaving for his ridiculous school.
“Your food’s in the kitchen,” he impudently said.
“Then go get it, lowly plebe.”
“Klawde, I already told you, I’m not a plebe. Or your servant.”
“Of course you are. You and every other hideous Human in this house are subject to my whims and desires,” I declared. “Even more than you used to be.”
“I saved your life in the Infinitude, remember?” the boy-ogre said. “Don’t I deserve, like, a tiny bit of respect? Besides, Mom and Dad already left, and I have to get to school.”
“Fine, I will not make you fetch me my breakfast. Instead I will allow you to carry me to my bowl.”
“And I would do that why?”
“So as not to soil the imperial paws on this filthy floor,” I said. “Did you not get edict #23?”
The Human now did his rolling of the eyeballs. It was remarkably unattractive.
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll bring you the food.”
The boy-ogre dutifully did this, laying a saucer of milk down before me.
“Good peon,” I said. “Now leave immediately.”
“I know,” he said. “I’m going to be so late.”
“What I mean is that from this point forward, I require that you not be in my presence when I take my meals. Your face turns the imperial stomach.”
Because, truly, is there a more revolting sight than a Human? I think not.
CHAPTER 7
Just when I thought my cat could not possibly get any more insulting, he proved me wrong.
“I’m leaving because I need to, not because you suddenly can’t eat around me without vomiting,” I said. “I’m not going to just obey you all the time, Klawde.”
“Oh yes, you shall,” he said. “Or you will be rolling inside a Ham-Sturr ball for the rest of your days!”
I had no idea what he was talking about, but I couldn’t stay and ask because I needed to catch up with Cedar and Steve. I had something important to ask them on the way to school.
“Newspaper?” Cedar said after I told them about the club.
“Yeah,” I said. “You guys have to join!”
I felt bad not mentioning that Scorpion was going to be in it, especially since Cedar was so psyched about the whole thing.
“A school paper is a great idea,” she said. “I mean, think of all the important issues it could tackle. Like how we need more learning specialists for kids with dyslexia and dysgraphia. Or how our classrooms are overcrowded. Or—oh my gosh—the school plumbing situation.”
“The plumbing?” I said. “Who wants to read about that?”
“It’s a real problem, Raj,” Cedar said. “There’s only one fully functioning drinking fountain in the whole school. And what about the bathrooms? There’s, like, a tree growing out of one of the girls’ toilets.”
She was right—the restrooms were a total horror show. The soap dispensers were broken and there were never any paper towels. Toilet paper, on the other hand, was everywhere—except for on the rolls where it was supposed to be.
So Cedar was definitely in.
“How about you, Steve?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t like to write that much. Or read. Unless it’s comics.” His face suddenly brightened. “Hey! Didn’t newspapers used to have comics? Y’know, back in the nineties and stuff? Could I do my own strip?”
“You make comics?” Cedar and I both said.
“Uh, yeah,” Steve said, turning red. “It’s my passion.”
Who knew?
CHAPTER 8
@LordofAllLivingMatter
Imperial Edict #79: Cutting down a tree is hereby illegal, and violators will be strapped to an asteroid in the Joselian Belt for fifty orbits.
9,665 2,067 3,234
@LordofAllLivingMatter
Imperial Edict #80: Any canine found guilty of reckless tail wagging will be sentenced to eight eons of hard labor.
7,985 1,372 2,356
@LordofAllLivingMatter
Imperial Edict #81: All spotted Earth cats who have left their home planet must learn how to SPEAK ACTUAL WORDS.
6,502 1,504 1,231
With another productive legislative session behind me, I began to wonder what effect my imperial edicts were having. Surely the entire universe was praising my name. (And not only because several gleets required it.) Everyone loves a dictator with an iron paw.
The communicator rang. It was Barx, the prime moron.
“Hey, good buddy!” the dog said. “How’s being Emperor of the Universe treating you?”
“I believe the question is how is my being Emperor of the Universe treating you and your fellow mutts.” I swished my tail in pleasure. “I trust you have seen my edicts concerning your species.”
The mutt looked already beaten. It was delicious!
“Well, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Some of the things you’ve put in your GlittR account are, well—”
“Wait!” I said, squinting at the screen. “Are you wearing a sweater? I outlawed those in Imperial Edict #3!”
“Right. Yes. Hmm, how do I break this to you?” the mutt said. “Your every gleet is not universal law.”
“What are you talking about?” I said. “My very first imperial edict was precisely that my every gleet is universal law. Am I or am I not the Lord of All Living Matter?”
“Honestly, that’s more of a ceremonial title,” the cur said. He panted insolently at me. “And you know that even the emperor is required to follow the Universal Code of Good Conduct, right?”
“I know nothing of the sort.”
“It was all explained at your coronation ceremony,” the mutt said. “Weren’t you listening?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?” I hissed. “No, I was not listening. I was busy plotting my reign of terror!”
&n
bsp; “Look, Klawde, the Cosmic Council has spent millennia putting that code together. It’s really great!” The idiot wagged his tail. “While it states that only council members can make laws, it gives the emperor the power to pardon prisoners, protect environments, and hand out medals and awards. And, of course, the code gives universal rights and freedom of speech to all—hey! You’re not even paying attention, are you? Did you just gleet again?”
@LordofAllLivingMatter
Imperial Edict #82: It is punishable by death to bore the emperor.
4,834 1,531 3,020
“Look, Klawde, you need to listen to me—”
“No, I do not.”
“Actually, you do. As prime minister, I’m head of the Cosmic Council, and it’s my job to issue orders. Although I much prefer taking them. Especially ‘Fetch’!” The mutt wagged stupidly.
“My subjects will not stand for this!” I said. “Surely they adore me and my new edicts.”
Barx’s stupid tongue retreated back into his mouth. “Um, have you looked at your replies and regleets?”
I cleared my throat. “I have not. Why?”
“Well, if you really want to know what your subjects think of you, maybe you should take a look.”
CHAPTER 9
At lunch, Max and Brody had plenty of ideas about articles for the school paper.
“Math has too many numbers!” Max said.
“Middle school needs recess!” Brody shouted.
Max pointed his hamburger at me. “Homework is bad for you, but video games are good.”
“Yeah, they improve hand-eye coordination,” Brody said. “Instead of study hall, the school should have gaming hour. And we need soft serve in the cafeteria.”
They went on like this for ten more minutes, cracking each other up, but I couldn’t convince either of them to be in the club.
Sarah from math class thought she might want to write about sports. She was the best volleyball player and the fastest runner in the entire school. “I could interview Coach Durbrow about the upcoming track season,” she said as the final bell rang.
Then I made the mistake of saying Scorpion was in the club, and she said she’d have to think about it.
I could hardly blame her.
Speaking of Scorpion, I hadn’t even gotten to the sidewalk in front of school when I heard:
“Hey, LOSER!”
I turned. Scorpion and Newt were coming straight for me.
“Why are you telling people I’m in your stupid newspaper club?”
“You mean the one your dad is starting?” I said.
“Doesn’t mean I’m gonna be in it,” Scorpion said. Then he gave Newt a high five.
“You’d probably learn something if you were,” I said.
“Yeah, I’d learn how big of a dork you are—oh wait, I already know that.”
Newt snickered, and Scorpion gave her another high five. Was that all they did, skate around and slap each other’s hands?
I sighed. There was no point defending myself. All I could do was hope that Scorpion meant what he said: that he was not going to join newspaper club.
CHAPTER 10
The intergalactic response to my Imperial Edicts was both shocking and infuriating.
@Badbozzz3
This is just like a cat!
2,084 1,569 1,200
@AnRkeeWeeZill
I hear he’s a PET—on EARTH.
1,928 1,345 1,654
@CozmicFerret
An Earthpet! HA HA HA!
2,338 1,545 1,222
@TheDood22
Sweaters forever!
5,284 3,453 2,987
I expected the Kitten Queen to despise my edicts. None of these could be from her, however, as they used actual words. Who were these cowardly and despicable villains saying such mean things about me?
Flooffee informed me that these scoundrels were called “trolls.” But they were not the handsome and clever creatures who lurked under bridges. Rather, they were the hideous and cruel creatures who lurked on social media.
What bullies they were! Did they not know that name-calling was rude and that harsh words could hurt the feelings of others?
To the hamster wheels with ALL OF THEM!
@LordofAllLivingMatter
Imperial Edict #121: All COWARDS who sit at home anonymously insulting their superiors shall henceforth be imprisoned on Ham-Sturr for 500 YEARS!!!
9,060 2,467 3,632
Almost instantly, thousands of replies began to appear on GlittR.
@CatHate88
Aw, is the little puddy tat upset?
3,045 1,439 2,100
@IDrinkCatTears
Na na na na na na!
3,934 1,356 1,434
@SlyLyle5
Who does he think he is?
4,638 2,245 2,322
@PowerWeasel
His Imperial Wussy Cat!
2,054 1,532 1,298
@Mink2Mink
Boo-hoo!
1,898 1,675 1,344
@TrollzLeague
IMO, he’s a total fraud
3,438 2,345 1,422
@Fantastic_Finx
Klawde the Fraud!
2,875 1,698 1,457
@NotACat
2,538 1,445 1,522
The more I read, the hotter my blood boiled. I approved of hatred and ridicule, of course, but not when they were directed at me.
The moment I found out who was making these comments, I would mobilize the imperial army against them. I would show them my idea of a “Universal Code of Good Conduct.” By blasting them to smithereens!
CHAPTER 11
When I got home from school, Dad’s car was in the driveway. I couldn’t find him anywhere in the house, though, so I went down to the basement to ask my cat. “Hey, Klawde, have you—”
“Go away, ogre!” he shouted without even poking his head out of his box. “I have trolls to destroy.”
“You bought TrollMaster? I’ve been dying to play that game!” I said. “But how are you playing on the VQ in your litter box?”
“For the one millionth time, it is the Cosmic Command Center,” he hissed. “And I am not ‘playing’!”
I shook my head as I walked back upstairs. Klawde needed an imperial attitude adjustment.
But where was Dad? Maybe at the corner getting coffee? I was about to go check when I heard the sound of glass breaking. It was coming from the garage.
“Hello?” I called as I opened the door from the kitchen.
Inside was crazy. Bottles and canning jars were stacked on top of folding tables, and there were more carrots, beets, and heads of cabbage than I’d ever seen in my life. In the middle of it was my dad, wearing one of Mom’s lab coats and looking like a mad scientist.
“Did you rob a grocery store?” I asked.
“Hiya, son!” he said with a big smile. “Remember that online course in fermenting I was telling you about? Well, I was trying to decide between pickles and sourdough starters, but when I saw they had a workshop called the Four Ks, I knew I had to do it! After, all, K is—”
“The alphabet’s party letter, I know, I know,” I said. “So what are the Four Ks?”
“Kombucha, kefir, kraut, and kvass!” Dad said.
“What’s kvass?”
“It’s delicious, that’s what it is! And you, Raj, are going to love being my taste tester.”
Looking around the garage at the piles of produce, I seriously doubted that.
“Hey, want to cut cabbage with me?”
I really didn’t, but Dad just looked so hopeful.
“Okay, sure,” I said. “Why not?”
CHAPTER 12
It did not take
long to determine who was trolling me on GlittR. The tracking software Flooffee had coded showed that nearly half of all the negative comments came from FeerUt—plus ninety percent of the truly vicious ones.
This came as no surprise. FeerUt, the capital of the Federated Planets of Weasels, was located in a particularly quarrelsome galaxy, one that I had conquered and reconquered several times during my reign on Lyttyrboks.
If the weasels thought they could ridicule me without consequences, however, they were sadly mistaken. I would give those elongated rabble-rousers a taste of the emperor’s wrath!
And so, although the task was supremely distasteful to me, I called Barx. I needed him to summon the imperial military forces from all the various corners of the cosmos and prepare them for action.
But the fool couldn’t understand even this simple request.
“So, what is it you want, exactly?” he asked.
“To invade FeerUt, you idiot!”
“It’s pretty much yours already, though,” Barx said. “I mean, you’re the Emperor of the Universe. Why invade them?”
“To punish them for their insults, obviously.” What part of vengeance did this mutt not understand?
Barx scratched at an ear. “I’m going to have to paws you right there, Klawde. Get it? Like pause, because we have paws? Anyway, I admit that some of their comments are pretty mean-spirited, but the Universal Code of Good Conduct protects freedom of speech, remember? And besides, the weasels are your subjects now. You really shouldn’t punish them.”
“Not punish my subjects? Then what is the point of having subjects?” I said. “Just put your stupid tongue back in your mouth and call a meeting of the generals so we can deploy my universal army. Oh, and I need the codes for the fission bombs.”
Revenge of the Kitten Queen Page 2