CHAPTER 25
“Okay, so where do we go next?” I asked Cedar.
It was Wednesday and it was almost dinnertime, but we were still at school.
She glanced down to her notebook. “We’ve got one left—the boys’ bathroom in the basement.”
“The worst for last,” I muttered.
We’d been visiting every bathroom in the school and testing all the faucets, toilets, and urinals to see which ones worked and which ones didn’t. Cedar had made a spreadsheet with all the supplies that were missing—paper towels, soap, and toilet paper—plus all the things that weren’t supposed to be there. Like trash, books, random socks, and that tree growing in the first-floor girls’ bathroom.
“Do we have to go to the one in the basement?” Steve said. “It’s scary down there!”
“Steve, you don’t have to be here at all,” I reminded him. “It’s not your article, and you’re not even going into the toilets.”
“Well, I might need to. You never know. But I’m here because I want to tell you about my awesome new comic idea! It’s about a boy and his tiger. It’s a stuffed tiger, but it’s a real tiger to the boy.”
“You mean . . . ,” I said, “. . . like Calvin and Hobbes?”
“Oh shoot!” Steve said as we headed downstairs. “Why are all the good ideas always taken?”
Cedar’s phone dinged. She glanced down at it and grinned. “I just confirmed that we have an interview with the principal tomorrow,” she said. “We’ve got the facts, and now we can ask the hard-hitting questions.”
I didn’t want to interrogate the principal any more than I wanted to investigate the basement toilets. I could tell Cedar wasn’t going to take no for an answer, though.
Steve and I walked slowly downstairs. Even from the hall, I could see the bathroom’s one overhead light flickering, like we were heading into a horror movie.
I made Steve come inside with me. But it was actually . . .
“Not so bad.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty clean,” Steve said.
When I went to turn on the faucet, though, a bug as big as my hand came crawling out of the drain.
“AAAHHH!” we screamed as we ran out.
Cedar was waiting for us in the hallway. “Why are you guys yelling?”
“We saw a giant spotted spider thing!” I said.
“It was terrifying,” Steve said, hugging himself. “Like if a daddy longlegs and a grasshopper had a baby, and the baby was a huge monster!”
“Whoa, you guys saw a square-legged camel cricket!” Cedar said. “You’re so lucky.”
Cedar and I clearly had a very different definition of the word lucky.
CHAPTER 26
The imperial inbox overflowed with 131,763 unread messages, all of them boring. My troops had turned out to be bite-size snacks. And worst of all, the Calico Queen was on some outer moon, gathering strength and plotting her next move against me. But what would it be?
I now realized that leaving Lyttyrboks had been part of her scheme from the start. It had to be, because there was no way that my foolish minion or his even more foolish minion could have defeated her. And her scheme, I believed, was nothing less than overthrowing me and establishing herself as Empress of the Universe. The gall of that despicable Earth kitten! Having stolen one throne from me, she now wished to have the other.
As a further ten thousand messages arrived in my inbox, I considered just letting her have the infernal job. But no—all that mattered was keeping the title of Lord of All Living Matter, no matter how miserable it made me.
I decided to indulge myself in the one thing that still brought me joy. I dialed into the Ham-Sturr cams.
“Greetings, convicts,” I began. “Akorn, did your ball get even small—”
My insult was interrupted by mocking laughter.
“An army of mice!” Akorn cackled. “The great and mighty emperor controls an army of mice!”
Zok rolled toward the camera, grinning madly. “Kitty and mouses, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S—”
“Quiet, convicts!” I commanded. “How did you hear about this? You are not allowed any communications on Ham-Sturr.”
“Our guards informed us,” Ffangg said. “They said that using mice to fight your battles was even more pitiful than using squirrels.”
“Hey, watch your mouth, you thin-tailed goon!” Akorn warned, rolling toward him.
SMASH!
Ffangg spat. “You think your baby ball can hurt me? You adorable—”
All at once, the communication cut out. Then a face appeared in the VQ—a face that filled me with disgust.
No, not Barx’s.
The Calico Queen’s.
“Meow, meow, meow!” she said, her green eyes glowing with malice. “Meow!”
I could only assume she was threatening me.
“You can meow at me all you want, Earth cat,” I said. “Just know that you cannot flee my vengeance! No matter what dark corner of space you have fled to, I will find you, and when I get my claws on you, you’ll wish I’d never torn you from your mewling mother!”
I expected the vicious little beast to hiss and spit at me, but instead, the calico began to purr. Her transmission blinked off, and the video feed to Ham-Sturr was restored. With one critical, upsetting difference.
Ffangg’s torture ball was empty.
My eternal enemy was gone!
CHAPTER 27
“Do you know what your pathetic ogre newspaper should report on?” Klawde said, slashing his tail back and forth. “How hamsters can’t keep track of their prisoners!”
I was getting ready to go interview the principal, so I wasn’t really paying attention. “Huh?”
“Write about how those bucktoothed rodents should rot inside their own torture spheres! And why Earth kittens should never be allowed outside of this infernal galaxy!” He turned and stalked away into the laundry room.
“Uh, okay, see you later,” I called after him.
When I got outside, I saw my neighbor Lindy on the sidewalk in front of my house, peering toward the backyard. Wuffles panted by her feet.
“Uh, hey, Raj,” she said as I got closer. “What’s happening in your shed? My mom says she’s seen lights on at all hours. And I just heard the sound of glass breaking.”
I sighed. “My dad’s been fermenting food in there,” I said. “He probably just dropped another one of his sauerkraut jars.”
“Oh. Wuffles and I thought maybe it was a secret science lab or something.”
“No, it’s just rotting vegetables,” I said. “Make sure your mom knows that.”
The last time Lindy’s mom was worried about suspicious activities at our house, we got raided by the FBI.
Lindy bent down to pet Wuffles. “See, good boy? There’s nothing to be nervous about.” She stood up again and tugged at his leash. “Okay, see you Sunday!”
“Wait, what’s Sunday?”
“That’s when your grandmother arrives, silly,” she said. “Wuffles can’t wait to see her!”
Ajji was coming here? To visit? How come no one ever told me anything?
CHAPTER 28
So this had been the kitten’s next move: to free Ffangg. Of course! The sniveling traitor had helped her take over Lyttyrboks, and now she needed his help to take over the universe.
The question was, how would they attempt to depose me? Would they storm the Capitol Galaxy and turn the Cosmic Council against me? No, no, no, those do-gooders hated Ffangg as much as I hated them.
Perhaps the Kitten Queen had some kind of secret weapon? But what could it be?
As I pondered this, Barx called.
“How could you have let this happen?” I demanded. “As prime mutt of the Cosmic Council, Ham-Sturr falls under your control! How could that Earth kitten have freed Ffangg
?”
Barx just sat there slobbering stupidly.
“What is wrong with you, you cretinous, half-witted chump? Speak, you golden drooling fool!”
“Well, I don’t think you’re really asking me what I think so much as you’re taking your anger out on me,” Barx said. “Does someone need a refresher course on what the Universal Code of Good Conduct says about considerate behavior in the workplace?”
My whiskers quivered in fury. “If you mention your goody-goody rulebook to me one more time, I will dig up one of your stupid bones and beat you over the head with it.”
“Look, Klawde, I think you should just take a nice, deep breath and—”
“How did she get past the titanium plastic barrier around Ham-Sturr?” I thundered. “Tell me!”
Barx sighed. “She bribed one of the guards with some top-of-the-line chew sticks,” he said. “Don’t worry, though—the Cosmic Council will not let this go unpunished! We might even give him a time-out to reflect upon his actions.”
“Yes, you could do that,” I said. “Or you could rip out his two front teeth and blind him with them!”
Barx was about to open his big stupid mouth when a dinging sound interrupted him.
“Hey, Klawde, can I call you back?” he said. “The doorbell just rang. It must be my dinner bone delivery. I tell you, the Capitol Galaxy has every convenience.” He called over his shoulder, “Be right there!”
Right before he clicked off, I could have sworn I heard meowing.
How strange.
CHAPTER 29
“Do you know how many working toilets there are at Elba Middle School?”
Cedar looked right into Principal Brownepoint’s eyes as she interviewed him, like she wasn’t nervous at all. I was nervous, though. I’d never been in a principal’s office before, and I’d never wanted to be.
Mr. Brownepoint shrugged. “I prefer to focus on what is working about our school. Like the lights. And the doorknobs. And the stairs!”
When Cedar told him that there were only six functioning toilets for five hundred kids, he looked surprised for a second. Then he started up with the excuses. The problems with the bathroom had to do with bad luck, an old building, a tiny maintenance budget, union plumbers, and so on.
“We’re doing the best we can, you know,” he said. “Maybe if you kids took better care of school property . . .”
The comment clearly annoyed Cedar, and she started asking even tougher questions. It was making me seriously uncomfortable. I just wanted to get out of there.
Also—ironically—I really had to pee.
I stood up and excused myself. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“Well, to do that, you’ll need to go down the east hall and walk all the way across the cafeteria,” Cedar said, “because all the bathrooms on this side of the school are OUT OF ORDER.” Cedar turned to Principal Brownepoint with a cold, hard stare.
“Hey, why don’t you use my bathroom?” he said, and handed me a brass key. “It’s next to the copy machine.”
Once I got there, I unlocked the door and pushed it open nervously—I’d gotten used to horrible surprises in bathrooms. But inside this one was a totally different kind of surprise.
The principal’s bathroom was spotless. There was a big sink with a shiny faucet, and the walls were covered with fancy tiles. The toilet had a heated seat. The room even smelled good, like a field of lilacs. And was that a rain shower in the corner?
I took out my phone and started taking photos. I turned on the fancy showerhead, and it really did look like rain. Klawde would’ve hated it, but I couldn’t resist. I stuck my head under it.
When I came out, Cedar was alone.
“Principal Brownepoint said he had to go. He totally isn’t taking us seriously,” she said. “By the way, what took you so long in there? And why is your hair all wet?”
“Cedar,” I said. “I think we have our story.”
CHAPTER 30
I was engaged in a GlittR war with a particularly nasty weasel when my communicator rang. It was Barx.
“I assume you are calling to tell me that you have recaptured Ffangg and taken him prisoner,” I said.
“Funny you should say that . . . ,” Barx said.
As he spoke, the communicator was jerked away from the mutt, and the smirking face of my archnemsis filled the screen.
“It is not your canine friend who has captured me,” Ffangg said. “Rather, the Kitten Queen and I have kidnapped your prime minister!”
I had to admit, I was shocked.
“Why would you want to do that?” I asked. “He is so unpleasant to be around.”
“I’m really sorry I let myself get trapped,” Barx said, poking his nose over Ffangg’s shoulder. “When I opened my door, there were two ferocious kittens with stun guns outside. Can you believe that they would lie about bone delivery?”
Ffangg shoved Barx back, and I could see for the first time that they were in a spaceship. “The reason I have kidnapped your canine friend is so that he will betray you—by turning off the force field he has erected around the Milky Way! Even as we speak, we are at the edge of your galaxy, ready to strike. Enjoy your last few moments alive, Emperor!” Ffangg purred with such delight that he trembled all over. “Prime Minister Barx, proceed.”
“I, uh, can’t,” Barx said.
“Yes, you can!” Ffangg hissed. “Just switch off the controller in your collar.”
“Well, normally I would have a controller there,” the dog said. “But for the emperor’s protection, only he has the codes for unlocking the force field.”
Ffangg’s face took on succeeding expressions of confusion, then rage, then disbelief and humiliation. It was a most beautiful sight.
“That—that cannot be true.” Ffangg turned to me. “The canine lies to protect you!”
“Oh, no, old friend. Canines are incapable of lying. It is yet one more defect of their species,” I said. “I suppose you might have known how such things worked, if you had become emperor.”
From off-screen, I heard angry hissing.
“Meow! Meow, meow, meow.”
The calico! “I believe your kitten master is calling you,” I purred.
Ffangg shot me a look of hate. Then he turned to the kitten pleadingly as she continued to berate him.
“My Queen, just because it did not work does not mean that it was not a good idea,” he said. “And it still is! After all—we now have a hostage.” Ffangg faced me again. “Turn off the force field, and you can have your mutt back.”
“But I don’t want him back,” I replied.
“Then I will torture him until you do as I say!”
“Have fun with that,” I said. “I’ve been keeping a list of ideas if you need any.”
“Stay strong, Klawde ol’ pal!” Barx called. “You have to do what’s best for the universe. Don’t worry about me.”
“I promise you, I won’t,” I said.
“Mrowr! Mrowr, meow!”
I hung up. I could hardly believe that I had been fretting about what Ffangg and the kitten were up to. Kidnapping Barx was a gift!
“Everything okay down there, Klawde?” the boy-ogre called from the top of the stairs. “Did I hear you yelling at someone?”
“No, that was not me, it was a delightful new comedy program,” I said. “Everything is excellent. Most excellent indeed.”
CHAPTER 31
At every dinner now we had some kind of sauerkraut, and I was getting way tired of it. I mean, does fermented cabbage really go with spaghetti and tomato sauce? Or Chinese food? At least the kombucha was good. It was kind of like soda. Or as close to soda as Mom would ever let me drink at home.
“I’m glad you like it!” Dad said, pulling the kombucha jar out of the fridge. “Let me pour you some more.”
; That’s when I noticed the jar had a big, slimy disk floating inside of it. It looked like a phlegm Frisbee.
I spit my mouthful of kombucha back into my glass. “What is that?”
Dad grinned. “That’s what’s called a scoby. It stands for Symbiotic Culture of Bacteria and—”
I really didn’t want to hear any more. “I have to go work on my article,” I said, turning to go upstairs. “Newspaper club is tomorrow.”
Klawde was lying on my bed, belly up. He’d been in a good mood since yesterday, when he’d said something about “the imperial workflow” being improved. And now he even asked me about the article I was writing.
“Of course I loathe journalists, as all excellent leaders do,” Klawde said. “Particularly journalists of the panda variety. You are a better reporter than a panda, I hope?”
“Um, I guess,” I said. “Cedar’s the really good one, though.”
She had written the rough draft and pasted my photos into the document. At the top were pictures of two sinks side by side: on the left was Mr. Brownepoint’s gleaming white one; on the right was one from the upstairs boys’ bathroom, which was caked with dirt and rust. Cedar had titled the article “An Un-Principaled Approach to Bathrooms.”
“That is an outrage,” Klawde said when I finished reading it to him.
“I’m glad you agree with how unfair it is.”
His tail slashed. “How dare a lowly peon such as yourself question your superior’s facilities! Of course the lord of the school gets the best bathroom. He is the most powerful ogre, and thus he deserves the nicest toilet.”
I rolled my eyes. “Klawde, the principal is not the lord of the school.”
Revenge of the Kitten Queen Page 5