Charlotte Jayasinghe welcomed me. Mili would soon be back, she said. She seemed calm in some new way, her face scrubbed of makeup, hair pulled back tight in a rubber band. Once she had got me a glass of lime cordial, she said, “Mili and I had a long talk this morning about his job at Kantha. He really believes in this work, you know, he really loves our country and wants the best for it. I am frightened for my son, but also very proud of him. I won’t stand in his way.”
We heard Mili’s motorcycle at the gate. Mrs. Jayasinghe shrugged and smiled to convey she had said all she wanted to.
When Mili came in and saw me, he stood tapping his helmet against his thigh, then said with a dry smile, “Ah, Shivan.” He came and sat across from me, “So-so, what is new?” He was reserved, but there was again that timid look in his eyes.
“Mili,” I said, longing to have him just to myself, “would you like to go out for dinner? I have this urge for thosai.”
“Very good, now you accept, Mili.” Mrs. Jayasinghe pulled his ear tenderly. “Mustn’t take yourself so seriously, nah?”
He grinned boyishly at her, extending his warmth to me, then went to get the spare helmet.
She mouthed “thank you,” and added softly, “He needs some cheering up, he really does.”
“Ah-ah,” Mili called out playfully, “what is this koosoo-koosoo-fying again?”
The restaurant, Shanthi Vihar, was a plain dining hall painted pink, with old wooden tables and metal chairs. It served Tamil vegetarian food and was famous for its thosais, idli and vadais. We went to an air-conditioned inner room with booths, where one paid more for the food. Once we had ordered, Mili pressed his knees against mine under the table. “I have been thinking about you all day and was actually going to call and visit this evening. You are right, Shivan. There is us. And what we have will bring me back to happiness.”
“So everything is okay? You have forgiven me?”
“There is nothing to forgive. You were only thinking of me. I didn’t mean any of those things I said, about you changing and all that.”
“But I have, Mili, I have changed. You were right to point it out.”
“Ah, no, Shivan, don’t take that seriously.”
I wanted this to be a new start for us, without any secrets, so I told him about the Tamil house in Wellawatte and how I’d had that man and his family evicted from the Pettah property. As I spoke, his frown deepened.
“So now do you despise me?” I asked, wretched at the image of myself before me.
“No.” But seeing I was still worried, he squeezed my knee under the table. “It’s not that.” After a moment he asked, “And what is the name of her thug again?”
“Chandralal. Mili?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Please, you have to tell me.”
Our food had arrived and we waited until the server left.
Mili broke off a piece of thosai and dipped it in the sambar. “He is known as the Kotahena mudalali. Very close to the government. If the prime minister requires a crowd at one of his political gatherings, this mudalali provides it.”
“What else?”
“You mean human rights? We have not been able to pin anything on him yet. Shivan,” he nudged my elbow, seeing I was unnerved, “this is not your problem. And, really, look at my pater. You think he doesn’t line the pockets of our politicians? You think he doesn’t have thugs who keep the unions away and prevent anyone from politicizing his workers? I know he does, because the people at Kantha have had problems when trying to talk with the workers.”
He tapped my plate. I had not touched the thosai. “But the thing is, he is my pater and he does love me a lot. My mater has been trying to make me understand this for a long time, and I think I’m finally ready to accept him. I don’t want his money or his job, but I won’t hate him anymore. And you, too, you must not hate your grandmother. Eat!” he commanded.
Later, when we had finished and were waiting for the dishes to be cleared, Mili said, “There is something I should have told you a long time ago. I used to be involved with a German man named Otto, who worked for the Goethe Institute here. Our relationship ended a year ago, when he was transferred to another country.”
I nodded, then reminded him that I had seen this Otto, a young man with pale skin and hair, when the Kantha workers had picked up Renu for her goodbye party. Mili had been in his car.
He reached over and pressed my hand briefly. “I don’t want things to ever be bad again between us. After all that has happened, I could not bear for us to be parted.”
A few days later, Sriyani called to say she wanted to have a “little chat.” I was to meet her for cocktails at the Galle Face Hotel that evening.
She was seated on the terrace that gave out onto the beach and rose to greet me, pleasant and calm. After we ordered shandies, she told me in a bemused tone that Sri was now being held under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. He was Tamil, so that was enough for them to suspect him of being a terrorist. The lawyer she had hired did not know what to do next. I tried to seem interested, but grew increasingly nervous as I waited for her to broach the real subject of our “chat.”
Finally the drinks arrived. Once the waiter had left, Sriyani spoke. “I have known about you and Mili for a little while now, Shivan.” She shrugged to say it wasn’t so difficult to figure out, then helped herself to some chili cashews. “I am most concerned, to be honest, for Mili. When push comes to shove, you can get on a plane and go back to Canada, or seek the protection of your embassy. Mili doesn’t have those safeguards. And so you must think carefully about what you are doing.” She dusted the salt and chili powder off her hands. “You know there is still a law here, nah? Ten years in jail, not just for getting caught in the act, but for actually being so inclined.”
I took a gulp of my shandy.
“Of course, we are not some fundamentalist Muslim country. You know our people. Live and let live, most of the time. But the law is still there, and these laws are kept on the statute books because they are very helpful to governments. They can be used most effectively to shut someone up who is being a nuisance. To put them away for a while, or at least give them a jolly good scare.” She peered at me as if my face were in shadows. “And Mili, along with everyone in my office, everyone in human rights really, has become a bloody nuisance to the government. This regime has plans afoot to deal with the JVP situation in a brutal way, which means they don’t want us sniffing around making a fuss about murders and disappearances. Poor old Sri Lanka is heading still further into the Kali Yuga.”
“But Sriyani,” I said, desperate to neutralize her concern, “how would anyone figure out Mili is, you know, gay? We have been discreet,” I continued, clinging to this argument. “Why, his friends think I am just his chum visiting from abroad, nothing else.”
She smiled and held out her hands, examining her nails. “The son of Tudor Jayasinghe befriends a German man, a teacher at the Goethe Institute. They are seen shopping at the market, driving around in his car, going on holidays.” She nodded, seeing my dismay. “Of course his friends at Kantha know. But they don’t acknowledge it, which is what Sri Lankans do. And Mili can’t accept that anyone knows, because, really, the shame and embarrassment of it would be too much for him. He has to be blind out of necessity. In fact,” she added, “I am sure the whole of Cinnamon Gardens knows he is so inclined. With the exception of his parents, who also have to be blind to it. And it is Cinnamon Gardens that runs this country.
“The thing is, Shivan, I can’t talk to Mili about this. You must make the right choice.”
I frowned. Then her meaning came to me. “You want me to give Mili up?”
She leaned forward, chin cupped in hand, and gazed hard at the sea as if she had seen something out there. Then she sat back in her chair. “I cannot make that decision. You must do the right thing.”
“Yes, but really you’re saying I must give him up.”
“I’m not saying anything of—”
Sriyani flinched.
“Did you tell Ranjini and Sri to give each other up?”
“That was different.”
“I know exactly what the difference was.”
She took a long sip of her shandy, then looked out at the sea again with that little smile on her face. “And yes,” she said, changing the subject, “this tapping of my phone is bloody annoying. So clumsily done, really. I can actually hear the clicking when I make or receive a call.” She raised her eyebrows at me. “But I think I’m meant to hear it, don’t you?”
I looked away at the kites wheeling and dipping above Galle Face Green. “I will not give him up. I could not bear it, I simply could not.”
“No,” she cocked her head, “I don’t suppose you could.” She touched my arm. “Just be careful, Shivan, please.”
I nodded, even as I felt that all the happiness in my life was bleeding away.
19
I WAITED UNTIL I GOT HOME FROM MY ERRANDS the next afternoon to talk with my grandmother. I found her at one of the almirahs in her bedroom, looking through a drawer. “Ah, Puthey.” Seeing my determined expression, she became still.
“Aacho, I know you and Chandralal got that Tamil family’s house by offering them protection.”
Her cane, which was against the almirah, clattered to the ground. I picked it up and handed it to her. She hobbled over to the dressing table stool, sat down slowly, then looked at me in the mirror. “Sunil told you.”
“No. Let’s just say I found out.”
“That Jayasinghe boy has been filling your mind with poison against me, hasn’t he? No doubt against Chandralal, too, because of his reputation.” She was scrutinizing me in the mirror, taking in the unyielding look on my face. She was frightened, and her fear gave me further courage.
“Mili is a good person. Much better than either of us. Despite all the avenues open to him, he has chosen to do the work he does. Out of love for this country.”
My grandmother picked up a tin of talcum powder, then put it down. “Do you know what happened to Tamils who could not get to refugee camps before curfew started? That family had three teenage daughters. The mob would have turned those girls into soiled goods, then murdered them.” She gestured to me in appeal. “Chandralal saved them from all that. He put his reputation, his golayas, his own life, at stake. What is that compared to a cheaper house price? They were grateful to him, don’t you see? Now look at that family. They have a new life in Australia, a better life than here. Those three girls are probably all in university and will be prime candidates in the bridal market. They will be able—”
“Stop talking nonsense, Aacho. That family is probably very poor. You have no idea how those people exist in the West, the jobs they do to survive, the cramped apartments they live in, the daily contempt of white people.” I stood by the dressing table. “We have to remedy this. Somehow, we must find out where they are living and compensate them. Offer the balance of what the house is worth.”
My grandmother’s face grew red. “You want me to hand out my hard-earned money to those people?” She laughed in disbelief. “Are you mad? We gave them a fair deal, we gave them their lives.”
“You’re such fine people. You and Chandralal will surely be reborn in Thusitha heaven for your goodness.”
“How dare you mock me.” She picked up a pen and flung it at me, grazing my shoulder.
I reached in my trouser pocket and took out the ring of keys she had given me when I assumed control of her properties. I held it out to her. “I don’t want to be soiled by what you have done. If you won’t compensate that family, you can take over running the properties again.”
“But my work for the temple! I have to build that bana maduwa. Will you send me to my death without enough merit for a good rebirth?”
“No matter how many bana maduwas you build, do you think you’ll even be reborn as a human being?”
“Shivan,” she whispered in shock.
“You’ll be lucky if you’re born as a cat or a dog,” I continued, unable to stop myself. “Most likely you and your Chandralal will be worms or insects for eternity.”
“How could you curse me like this?” Her voice was hoarse with disbelief.
I put the keys down on the dressing table and walked out.
When I got to my room, I sat on the bed, my breath shallow. Yet I was determined to stick by my decision. I had before me Mili’s great goodness. I was humbled he had chosen me to love. I wanted desperately to be worthy of him.
What I had not taken into account was that my grandmother, seated in her bedroom, was terrified she might be losing me. She had lived for so long with the burden of unhappiness, she could not bear to be cast back to her lonely state again.
That evening I was seated on the front verandah alone, trying to read but finding it impossible to concentrate, when a horn sounded at our gate. Rosalind came out the front door and, after giving me a quick look, went down the steps.
I closed my book and waited. As an SUV sped up our front driveway, my grandmother hobbled out onto the verandah. The Pajero stopped under the carport. Chandralal jumped out and came up the steps towards my grandmother. Then, pretending to notice me at the other end of the verandah, he cried, “Ah, but here is our baba!” He opened his arms and grinned with pleasure.
I got up and strolled towards the front door, passing him as if he were invisible. My grandmother was standing in the doorway, and when I brushed past I glared at her for dragging this thug into our quarrel.
“See, Chandralal,” I heard her say querulously. “Look at what has come over him. My beloved grandson. Why would he behave like this?”
Chandralal murmured soothingly in reply.
After dinner, I took my plate to the kitchen. Rosalind was seated on a stool reading a newspaper. She folded it away and followed me as I went to wash my hands at the sink.
“Baba,” she said, handing me a kitchen towel, “it’s time you returned to Canada. Only bad will come from your staying.”
I waited for her to continue, but she looked away, face numb with worry. “You must go, baba, you must.”
I handed her the kitchen towel and muttered, “One can’t just change plane tickets like that, Rosalind.”
Mili and I met the next day for lunch. My grandmother had not spoken to me that morning, and had passed me in the hallway with her face averted. I did not mention our quarrel to Mili, nor how she had tried to draw Chandralal into our dispute. I wanted to prevent ugliness from leaching into the part of my life that was good.
My chaos of emotions made me impatient for Mili’s caress and I could sense he too was frustrated by our limitations. When we had finished our meal and were standing outside the restaurant, I said, “I suppose your mother is at home.”
He nodded and grimaced.
“I don’t know how I can bear another day not being with you.”
Mili examined me curiously. My plea had come out more desperate than I intended.
“There is a place …” He shook his head.
“Yes?”
“No, forget I mentioned it.”
“Mili!”
“This house, for people like us. I’ve never been there, but my friend, Otto, used to point it out when we went swimming at Mount Lavinia. Tourists use it, so he heard through other German expats.”
“Let’s go there, Mili, let’s go.”
“It’s sure to be a real thrada place, Shivan.”
“We can always leave if we don’t like it.”
“It would be unworthy of you, of us. I wish I hadn’t even brought it up.”
“Unworthy? Why? For God’s sake, don’t you want to be with me? Don’t you want to hold me anymore?”
“Ah, Shivan, don’t say that.”
“Let’s go.” Seeing he was still hesitant
, I added, “You’re not pulling away from me again, are you? I really couldn’t bear that, Mili, I couldn’t bear it if you hurt me again.”
After a moment he nodded and sighed.
The three-storey house was a thin tower on such a small plot of land that the outer wall of the house also served as the boundary wall. Its slimness gave the building a curiously long-necked fragility that was enforced by the absence of windows overlooking the street. Mili said that the place belonged to a German man. Since foreigners could not buy property in Sri Lanka, the house was owned by his boyfriend, a former beach boy. It was used by other beach boys who needed a place to bring foreign clients.
Mili stayed on his motorcycle, keeping the engine running. I rang the front door bell, then raised my eyebrows at him. He reluctantly went to park nearby. As he came back, hands shoved in pockets, he glanced up and down the street as if nervous someone we knew might see us.
A peephole slid open in the door and a young man stared out at us. “Yes?” he asked rudely in Sinhala.
“We want to take a room for a few hours.”
There was stentorian breathing on the other side and it took me a moment to realize he was accompanied by a dog. “This guest house is only for foreigners.”
“I am a foreigner,” I said, switching to English. I took out my Canadian citizenship card and he looked at it carefully.
There was much moving of bolts and chains, then he opened the door. He led us down a short dark corridor without saying a word, the pariah dog nudged up against his side. We emerged into a shady courtyard that was neat and clean, magenta bougainvillea growing up the white walls. Foreign men, their skins the colour of overripe papaw, sat at tables with boys, some of whom looked like teenagers, dressed alike in tank tops and jeans, with tight coral necklaces around their necks. The other guests examined us, but we avoided meeting anyone’s gaze.
Our host, who had not given his name, led us up some narrow stairs to a room with a double bed neatly made up with clean sheets. There was a mirror on the opposite wall and a side table with a gurulettuva filled with water. He stated his price and I paid him. When he had counted out the notes, he said sternly, “I need the room in two hours. When you are done, please remove the sheets and put them in there.” He gestured towards a wicker laundry basket.
The Hungry Ghosts Page 25