To My Future Number 1 Fan

by L. A. Witt

  “Of course it is.”

  I ran a hand through my hair. “Can’t the assholes give me some breathing room so I can figure out how to even be in a relationship? I want to enjoy being with him, not constantly look over my shoulder because I’m terrified someone will find out.”

  “It’ll be a cold day in hell before the paparazzi gives anyone breathing room,” she muttered. Gentler, she asked, “Have you talked to him about it?”

  Well, that wasn’t a simple answer. I couldn’t say we hadn’t talked about it, but could I really say we had?

  In the three weeks since he’d gone back to Seattle, we’d talked almost constantly, even staying up long past when we both should have gone to sleep. We were like a couple of teenagers, stealing every possible chance to connect, even if it was just so we could watch a TV show together from a thousand miles away. He’d tell me about crazy things that happened at work, like the kid who’d super-glued his fingers together or the guy who’d been certain his nosebleed was a brain hemorrhage. I’d tell him about the latest script my agent had me reading or the asshole actor who I was praying didn’t get cast in the next movie with me.

  And the damn media kept coming up. Every conversation about seeing each other at least brushed against the subject, and every single time, I could feel his apprehension through the phone. Or see it if we were Facetiming.

  “I don’t know what to do. I can’t just make them go away, you know? But it bothers the hell out of Brian. He said…” I winced. “He said it’s like being back in the closet. And he’s right.” I blew out a breath and raked a hand through my hair. “It’s exhausting.”

  “Well, maybe you guys need to come out.”

  My head snapped up and I stared at her in disbelief. “What?”

  “Why not?” She shrugged.

  “Uh, because then they’ll be all over us? Even more than they already are?”

  Vanessa shook her head. “Listen.” She twisted a bit so we were facing each other, her jean-clad knee almost brushing mine. “The press already has the bug in its ear that the two of you have a thing. Believe me, they haven’t forgotten about those pictures from Seattle.”

  I flinched. I’d suspected as much. Even if things had been pretty quiet for a while now, and even if I’d been too much of a coward to look, that didn’t mean reporters had dropped the scent.

  Vanessa went on, “They’re already waiting to pounce so they can be the first to tell the world you and Brian are a couple. The more you guys try to hide it, the juicier it’s going to be when someone finally gets proof. And the more stressful it’ll be on the two of you.”

  Swallowing, I avoided her gaze. She… had a point.

  “One way or the other,” she continued, “you guys are going to get some attention. You’re too high-profile to avoid it forever. There will be a feeding frenzy no matter what once you come out as a couple, but at least if you and Brian come out on your own terms, you have some control over things.”

  Nodding, I whispered, “Yeah. You’re right.” I sat up, pushing my shoulders back, and inhaled slowly. “I’m heading up to see him tomorrow. I’ll, um… I’ll talk to him.”

  “Good.” She studied me for a moment, the intensity of her stare almost making me draw back. Then, speaking softly, she asked, “How serious are things with him?”

  I chewed the inside of my cheek. “I don’t know, honestly. Like I said, I’ve never done this before.”

  “Okay, but are you guys just…” She hesitated. “I mean, you’ve been distracted as hell ever since you went to Seattle to see him.” Her voice was even softer as she asked, “You’re really into him, aren’t you?”

  Without looking at her, I nodded. “Yeah. I am.”

  “Then I hope it works out. Whether you guys go public or not.” She gave my knee a gentle squeeze. “You deserve to be as happy as Brian seems to make you.”

  I tried to smile, but my stomach was still doing somersaults. Brian did make me happy, and I really wanted this thing between us to work.

  I just couldn’t shake this bone-deep fear that it wouldn’t.

  Chapter 26

  Brian

  Adam would be here in less than twenty-four hours, and I didn’t like the twitchy feeling that had been needling me for the last few days.

  It didn’t help that we weren’t spending the evening “together” like we often did. He was tied up with some work-related stuff tonight. Filming for his next movie was coming up fast, and he’d spent the entire day darting from meetings with his assistant, agent, and God knew who else. He’d apologized profusely for it, but I’d assured him that I could last a few hours on my own. I’d see him tomorrow, after all, and he didn’t need to know I was a damn basket case tonight.

  I was fine with us spending an evening apart, but I did need some company. An hour after I’d walked the dog, I was getting stir crazy, so I called Julian to see if he was free. I sweetened the deal by offering beer and takeout, and in minutes, he was on his way.

  When he arrived, I pulled a couple of beers from the fridge, and we settled in the living room.

  Julian dropped onto my couch and draped his arm across the back of it. “So what shenanigans have you been up to at Ye Olde Clinic?”

  “Just the usual shit,” I said as I sat beside him. “Everyone’s coming in for their shots before school starts, and I get daily lectures on the evils of Obamacare from people who aren’t even on the AHA.”

  He chuckled. “Same shit, different day?”

  It took some work, but I laughed. “Yeah. Same shit, different day.”

  My friend’s brow furrowed. “Okay, level with me, hon—what’s going on? You’ve been a wreck lately, and that’s when I actually see you, which I almost never do anymore.” He shot me a pointed look. “Out with it, baby.”

  I exhaled, sinking back against the couch. “I know. And it’s not getting any better.” After he’d taken one of the beers, I worked at the label on the other with my thumbnail. “In fact, it’s getting worse, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

  Julian straightened. “What’s going on?”

  “Well.” I kept working at the label as I tried to sort out my thoughts. “This stays between us, right?”

  “Of course.” He squeezed my forearm. “You know I’m a steel trap when it comes to your gossip.”

  I tried to laugh, but it took too much work. Finally, I met his gaze. “Okay, so do you remember that article that came out a while back? The one where they tried to say Adam Jacobsen and I are dating?”

  “Do I remember?” Julian snorted. “Girl, I almost had a heart attack when I saw it.”

  “Yeah. Well.” I drummed my nails on my beer bottle. “It’s, uh… it’s true.”

  Julian froze. “Come again?”

  “It’s true.” I swallowed. “Adam and I are—”

  “Are you serious?” he damn near squealed, and he clapped his hand over his mouth. He stared at me with wide eyes, and his hand muffled the “You’re dating him?”

  I laughed self-consciously. “Yeah. I am.”

  Lowering his hand, he eyed me. “So why did you tell me you weren’t?”

  My face burned. “I’m sorry. I kind of panicked when it came out. We were trying to keep a lid on things, and…” I exhaled. “I’m sorry.”

  “Okay, I understand that. I don’t think I’d want my business out there.”

  I laughed bitterly. “You have no idea.”

  “Well, your secret’s safe with me. Now…” He grabbed my arm. “Tell. Me. Everything.”

  “What do you want to know?” I shot him a playful glare. “No, you’re not getting bedroom details.”

  Julian huffed, but then grinned. “So you admit you’ve been in the bedroom with him?”

  I rolled my eyes. “No, Julian. I’m dating the hottest man on the planet, but it hasn’t even crossed my mind to have sex with him.”

  “Hey, you never know.” He showed his palms. “Maybe you boys are taking it slow like you did
with Xavier and Jason.”

  “That was a little different. Jason’s ace. Xavier’s demisexual. Adam is… neither.” Wasn’t that the truth? He may have been inexperienced, but he was definitely into sex. Though I supposed he could be demi; we hadn’t started getting physical until after we’d established a connection, so maybe? Well, either way, we were definitely getting physical now. “And I always go slow.”

  “Bullshit you do.” Julian rolled his eyes. “Come on. I’ve known you forever, and when you’re dating a man who isn’t ace or demi, you don’t exactly let the grass grow, know what I mean?”

  “What the hell? I always wait at least a few dates before I sleep with a guy.”

  Julian’s eyebrow arched. “Mm-hmm. Aside from Joe, right?”

  “Joe and I had been emailing for months.”

  “And Alex?”

  “We’d known each other for like three years.”

  Julian clicked his tongue. “Okay, fine. But don’t change the subject. Are you and Adam…?” He waggled his eyebrow.

  The heat in my face was probably already giving me away. “Just don’t tell anyone, okay? About any of this?”

  “Of course.” He sobered and patted my arm. “You know I’d never share your business.”

  “I know. And I didn’t mean to imply you would. We just have to be so guarded about keeping this quiet, and…” I closed my eyes, pressing my head back against the cushion. “Man, it’s exhausting.”

  Julian didn’t speak for a moment. When I opened my eyes, he was watching me like he was trying to read something in my expression, and it was all I could do not to squirm under his scrutiny. Finally, he said, “Okay, let’s back up a step.” He touched my knee and looked me right in the eye. “Pretend the press doesn’t exist and nobody gives a shit who he’s dating or what he’s wearing or whatever.”

  “Um, okay,” I said dubiously.

  “Right, so none of that nonsense. How is dating him otherwise?”

  “It’s…” My heart went crazy, and I couldn’t help smiling. “God, he’s amazing.”

  “Yeah? Tell me.”

  “He’s just… I mean, I know we’re still in that honeymoon phase where everything seems perfect and he still seems flawless to me. I get that. And I know we’ll eventually find things that annoy us and whatever.”

  “Mm-hmm.” Julian nodded. “Go on.”

  “I swear, though, he’s perfect for me. My parents adore him. My dog adores him. I adore the hell out of him.” I sighed, practically swooning just thinking about him. “He’s so sweet.”

  Julian’s eyes widened. “Wow. I have never heard you talk about a man like this. Not even that bonehead you almost married.”

  I grimaced at the memory. “Don’t remind me.”

  “Right. So.” Julian patted my leg. “You’ve got a good thing going with him, yeah?”

  “A really good thing.”

  “Except for the press.”

  I deflated. “Except for the press. And I mean, it shouldn’t be a deal-breaker. I don’t want it to be a deal-breaker. But the secrecy… hell, I fly into San Diego so we can hopefully avoid photographers. We have to be really careful when we go out. If we go out. I even had to swear my parents to secrecy and hide Adam’s car—his plain, cheap, urban camouflage car—in their garage.” I leaned forward, elbows on my knees as I raked my hands through my hair. “It’s exhausting, and it really is like being back in the closet.” I sighed and started kneading my neck. “I’m the one who freaks out about the press, and that’s why we’ve kept a lid on things, but it’s just…”

  “It’s tiring.” Julian’s voice was full of sympathy. “I know.”

  I nodded slowly, and it was a struggle to speak above more than a whisper. “I feel like if we didn’t have the press following him around, and if we could just be open and normal without people losing their shit, we could really make this work.”

  “Do you think you can make it work even with all that craziness?”

  I gnawed my lip and stared at the floor as I kept rubbing my stiff neck. “I want to say yes. I just… I don’t know. Neither of us needs all that, but he’s a package deal. Dating him either means doing it on the sly, or coming out and letting the whole goddamned world have an opinion about it. I can either stay a totally private person, or I can date Adam. I can’t have both. And I mean, just hearing his speech almost gave me a stroke, and he didn’t even mention my name.” I dropped my hands between my knees and turned to Julian. “What do I do?”

  “I don’t know, baby.” Julian gave my shoulder a squeeze, and he kept his hand there. “As much as you hate being in the spotlight, he must be something else if you’re sticking around.”

  “He is,” I whispered, and couldn’t help smiling despite my knotted stomach. “He’s amazing. And you should see him with Lola.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Oh yeah.” I was grinning like an idiot now. “He loves her. When he came to see me, he even suggested we take her with us when we went out.”

  Julian put his free hand to his chest. “Oh, that boy knows the way to your heart, doesn’t he?”

  “Right?” I laughed. “He didn’t even mind when she joined us in bed that first morning.”

  My friend glanced at Lola, who was snoozing by the fireplace, then eyed me. “How the hell big is your bed if it fits the two of you and that beast you call a dog?”

  “Well, to be fair, he and I weren’t, uh, taking up much space.”

  “Oh Lord.” Julian closed his eyes and sighed wistfully. “That man is a snuggler, isn’t he?”

  “Yeah he is.”

  “So he’s gorgeous. He’s Adam goddamned Jacobsen. He loves your dog. And he’s a snuggler.” Julian clicked his tongue and wagged a long finger at me. “You better put a ring on that boy.”

  I barked a laugh, showing my palms. “Hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, here. We just started dating a few weeks ago and—”

  “Don’t care.” Julian shook his head emphatically. “He is perfection with a six-pack. I don’t give a damn if he steals the covers or leaves his underwear on the floor.” Beat. “Which, side note, if he does that, kindly grab a pair for me because—”

  I smacked his leg playfully. “Really?”

  “What?” Julian laughed. “Anyway, he’s obviously perfect for you. If you don’t want to husband that man yet, fine, but don’t do something stupid and let him go.”

  My humor faded, and I stared down at the carpet again. “I don’t want to let him go. Believe me, I’m hoping and praying this keeps going. I’m just…” I swallowed. “He’s famous. He’s got people following him around with cameras, talking about him, speculating about his private life. I don’t know if I can handle… fuck, any of that. Like, that article? I wasn’t kissing Adam. I was literally just telling him there was a place across the street we could check out for lunch.” My gut churned. “How will I ever be able to relax with him in public when I’m worried some asshole with a camera is going to take our picture and then make up a bunch of bullshit about what we’re doing?”

  Julian pursed his lips thoughtfully. “Maybe you guys just need to stop giving a shit what people say. I mean, I know it sucks having your privacy violated like that, but most people take tabloid shit with a grain of salt, you know?”

  “That’s true, I guess.”

  “Anyone who knows you isn’t going to believe whatever salacious nonsense they make up about you,” Julian said. “And anyone who doesn’t know you—who cares what they believe?”

  “True. Well, he’ll be here tomorrow night.” I steeled myself and met my friend’s gaze. “I’ll talk to him.”

  “Good.” He shot me a stern look. “And don’t you be holding out on me, sweetheart. If you’re dating a man that hot, I expect to be introduced.”

  I laughed. “Okay, okay. I’ll introduce you guys. Just… maybe not this trip.”

  “Okay.” He wagged his finger at me again. “But I will hold you to it.”

  “You’ll
meet him. I promise.”

  Assuming Adam and I find some way to deal with all the attention.

  Chapter 27

  Adam

  “Oh my God.” I flopped onto Brian’s bed beside him. “I needed that.”

  He moaned something that sounded like “Me too.”

  We lay there in silence for a moment, catching our breath and letting the dust settle. My body tingled all over, aching and twinging in places from the two rounds of acrobatic sex we’d had in the hour since I’d arrived. How had I spent so much of my life without this? Didn’t matter. I had it now, and it was good, and I doubted it would have been this good with anyone else.

  Brian groaned as he pushed himself onto his elbow. “Let me get rid of the condom,” he murmured, pausing to kiss my cheek. “Be right back.”

  “’Kay.”

  One more kiss, and then he rolled to his feet and disappeared into the bathroom. It took me a minute to remember how my legs were supposed to move, but I finally managed to get on my feet too. Clumsily, I cleaned myself up, then dropped back onto the mattress. He joined me a moment later, and we came together in the middle like a couple of magnets. I swore once we were in bed together, we gravitated toward each other every single time, and I loved it.

  I wasn’t so sure how I felt about this silence, though.

  Sex had kept us occupied ever since I’d gotten here, but now that we were supposed to eb relaxing, something was off. The fact that we were still touching and cuddling was reassuring, but it wasn’t enough to keep me from noticing the uneasiness between us.

  I pulled back just enough that we could look at each other without going cross-eyed. “Hey. You okay?”

  The way his eyes darted away from mine sent a chill through me.

  “Brian?” I touched his face. “Everything all right?”

  He swallowed. “I, um…”

  The chill got even colder.

  After a moment, he cleared his throat. “So, I saw you in an article earlier today.”

  “Oh yeah?” It wasn’t unusual for my name to show up like that—hell it was a daily thing lately—but the apprehension in his eyes made my gut clench. “What did they say?”