“It’s over. You’re safe now.”
He reclined me onto my back. The elder’s embrace encircled me with power. Closing my eyes, I rocked in its rhythm and rode it until I was spent. A woman’s laugh echoed off the walls around us.
You know where you belong, Shardul.
The room melted away, and I lay upon an earthen floor. Kali Maa stood before me in a blood-red haze. Li Cheng had been just another phantom she’d sent to torment me. I rose onto my knees and implored her. “Tell me what I should do!” Her face twisted into a grimace revealing nothing. Everything went black.
* * * *
“Shardul?” Avijit stood silhouetted in the light of a lamp carried by Marco.
“Christ.” A fuzzy edge surrounded objects before my eyes. Marco set the lamp on the altar, and my brothers helped me up onto my elbows. Every sinew and muscle ached. None of the dreams had ever felt like this. Padma entered with a pitcher. She fed me a cup of warmed blood and then another, while Sita cleared away the litter of used vessels. I pulled myself together and swung my legs around to sit up properly. Foul smells permeated the cell. A bath was in order. I could only imagine how I looked, me who took such pride in my appearance.
Sandhya, on the other hand, looked as beautiful as a woman could, as she stood in the doorway in her crimson sari. “You will need to keep taking blood until you can’t hold anymore. I will alert the Exalted Father that you are ready to declare your vocation.”
Sandhya left. I stared at the space she’d vacated, wondering if this too was a horrible vision, and I’d see her ripped to shreds by some apparition. I gathered my clothes around me and drank until I was able to rise and walk. Avijit and Marco helped me to the bathroom and into the steaming tub. My sore muscles luxuriated in the heat. I’d really missed the creature comforts of the adept. The visions of Kali flooded my memory. Hilarious to think of my pampered self bathed in blood, swinging a sword around. I wouldn’t last a week.
After I had a good soak and downed another pitcher of blood, I felt normal. Sandhya came in with towels and a fresh set of clothing. I pulled out of the tub, not bothering to hide my nakedness. She’d seen me this way a hundred times before. Nudity was a fact of life for we adepts. We’d danced together practically in the buff. But whereas she showed no visible reaction, I was all too prone to not remain prone in her presence. She pretended not to notice. “I will call a slave to rub you down.” Turning away in a swirl of hair and silk, she exited the room.
Juicy Mirabel arrived moments later with a flask of oil and a come-hither smile. I have to admit, after thirty nights of celibacy, I took advantage of the situation.
After I made myself presentable, I followed my fellow adepts to the chief’s chambers and prostrated before Kalidasa. One thing I wouldn’t miss was all the bowing and scraping before King Hippopotamus.
“Rise, Shardul.” He jammed a chicken leg into his mouth and munched. Grease glossed his lips and blood stained his coat. “So, you have emerged from seclusion. Has Kali Maa illuminated your path?”
I glanced around the room. As usual, the chief elder’s table manners turned my stomach. Raj sat, smoking and looking through me as if I didn’t exist. Giulietta dripped hatred like she did diamond bracelets. Sandhya focused her eyes on the floor. My heart made one last hopeful bump in my chest and then steadied. Why not start over with Li Cheng? What was left here for me?
I took a deep breath and sealed my fate. “Indeed, Exalted Father. She has revealed that I should serve Lord Liu.”
The chief waved me away. “Very well, go prepare for the separation ceremony. Your new master arrives in two nights time.”
Something clattered. A cry went up. Avijit stumbled and spilled the contents of the pitcher he held all over Giulietta. Blood splashed over the rani’s face and down the front of her gown. Rapid-fire Italian sputtered from her lips. Moving in a blur, she snatched up a knife from the table and slashed the adept across the face. Avijit bleated and held his hand over the bleeding gash. Marco snarled like a leopard and bounded over the table, wrapping his hands around her neck. She struggled with him, dropping the knife. Metal clicked on the tiles. Guards rushed forward. Beeshom reached Marco first and restrained my friend’s arms behind his back. The adept cursed and fought.
Giulietta stood gasping, eyes wide with fear. “Kill him!”
Beeshom turned his eyes on the chief elder. Even through Kalidasa preferred girls in bed, everyone in the palace knew he doted on Marco and relied on his care. The chief’s mouth puffed out. His eyes traveled from his favorite to his queen. “We are already losing an adept to Liu. I need them more than ever to placate the elders.”
You could almost see the venom flowing from Giulietta’s fangs. “How can you let this animal live when he has threatened my life? He must be punished. I want him killed.”
Kalidasa went purple in the face. “Silence, woman. Do not presume to give orders to me. The boy merely reacted foolishly. He will be punished, but I will not end his life.” He turned to Beeshom and sighed. “Take him away and geld him.”
Marco growled and twisted free of Beeshom’s grasp. Scooping up Giulietta’s knife from the floor, he brandished it at the circle of dogs closing in on him. He crouched and jabbed out like one would with a switchblade. He’d told me he’d fought to survive on the post WWII streets of Naples. The dogs hadn’t expected it and jumped back. This was only a defensive reflex; they recovered themselves and made for the adept again. My friend spun on his feet and struck out with a series of rapid slices. One of the guards yelped. Blood dripped from his belly. He staggered and collapsed. The other dogs fell back once more. Though quick and agile, Marco could not hold off four hulks forever.
Kalidasa slammed his fist on the table again. “Take hold of the boy and be done with this nonsense! Careful, I don’t want him killed!”
The four remaining guards charged Marco. His head swiveled around, as if trying to figure a way to run. A look of desperation flooded the adept’s face. His lips formed a tight line. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and pressed the knife to his own neck. His mouth moved, but no sound came out. Perhaps he prayed.
Avijit cried out,“No!”
Marco’s azure eyes opened wide, filled with resolve. “I die a man.” He slashed the blade across his throat. Padma and Sita screamed. An arterial fountain spurted over the surrounding dogs. They jumped back in terror. The anointed of Kali had spilled his lifeblood over them; this conferred ill fortune upon those touched. They made signs of protection over themselves. The adept’s legs gave out, and he crashed to the floor, twitching all over. A puddle of blood spread out from his body.
Avijit, shaking with sobs, threw himself over Marco. Sandhya buried herself in my arms. I gathered her close. Her body sagged against me, her tears wetting my skin. My own knees threatened to collapse as my friend bled out and died like a sacrificial lamb.
Giulietta’s body trembled from head to foot. Livid spots appeared on her face among the spatters of blood. “Feed him to the tigers!”
Kalidasa cast a frigid eye on the rani. He held his bulk rigid, looking like a bull elephant about to charge. “His soul is consecrated to the Mother. You have no authority over matters of religion. Go to your chambers, madam, and remain until I call for you.”
Giulietta stiffened, obviously not used to such talk from her lord, and in front of the servants as well. Her face froze into an indignant mask. Gathering up bloodstained skirts, she bustled out of the hall, followed by her serving maids. Kalidasa sank into his seat, wheezing with the exertion. His face dripped sweat. Picking up a napkin he mopped his brow and muttered to himself about the dreadful waste.
Raj stubbed out his cigarette and took charge of the situation. A bemused crook of his eyebrow was the only visible effect Marco’s death made on him. He ordered Beeshom to take the adept’s body to the ashram for cremation. Turning to Kalidasa, my master helped the chief to his feet and out of the hall. Slaves bearing buckets went to work, washing away blood s
patters. Padma and Sita pulled Avijit from his lover’s body and led him off between them. Shouldering Marco’s corpse, Beeshom bore it out of the hall.
Sandhya pulled herself together, drawing away from me. “I must go to my brother. Go bathe in the sacred spring and cleanse yourself of this impurity. You may not attend the funeral rites. Remain in your quarters until Lord Liu arrives.”
“Sod that, my friend is dead. I want to see him off properly.”
Her mouth pursed into pious mode. “It is forbidden.”
It was pointless fighting with her at the moment. When the time came, I’d be there at the pyre with the rest of them.
* * * *
I watched from behind a pillar in the ashram garden as they prepared for the cremation. Marco lay atop the pyre, attired in his favorite royal blue. His hair streamed out around him like a black cloak. They’d covered his mangled throat with garlands of red hibiscus. Moonlight broke through the trees; Kali’s wavering shadow fell over the corpse. Closing my eyes, I conjured Marco’s saucy grin and melodious voice. Bluebird, the chief had called him. He’d sung sweeter than any bloody bird. A dreadful waste indeed—and why? Tears pricked my eyes. My skeptical soul yearned to believe his would find better karma. “Goodbye, mate,” I whispered. “I hope it’s better where you are now.”
My fellow adepts stood round him, clad in white cotton robes. The women stretched out their arms and chanted. Avijit took a torch from the brazier and set the pyre ablaze. I stepped out from my hiding place and joined in the prayers. Avijit cut his eyes at me, but said nothing. The flames rose and engulfed Marco’s body. A spray of sparks ignited his clothing and hair, singeing them to ash. His flesh blackened and cracked. I swallowed my revulsion, forcing myself to watch. They had done this to him. Vampires. This lousy system had murdered my friend. I couldn’t stay in it a moment longer. Despite my respect and affection for Li Cheng, Marco’s words resonated within me.
I die a man.
All the insane, violent pictures that tormented my mind in seclusion swirled around me. A bolt of insight struck me straight between the eyes. I understood now. The visions had revealed my true path; it led to the rebels in New York. The Goddess had chosen me to defend her children. No longer would I live emasculated and dehumanized. I’d be a man and rescue Sandhya from Raj and all the others who’d dishonored her. Marco’s death had severed the final tie, and she was coming to New York with me.
When the flames from the pyre died down, Sandhya led Avijit off in the direction of his room. Sita and Padma went to theirs. It was time for cleansing and rebirth. I stripped down and plunged into the spring, ducking under the prescribed number of times. Pulling myself out, I stood naked in the moonlight before my Goddess, Li Cheng’s dagger in my hand and the dragon he’d given me hanging over my chest. Only the foolish man fears wisdom. I’d closed my eyes too long to what Kali had tried to teach me.
My soul was that of a warrior.
The knife traced over my wrist. Blood dripped into the basin at Kali’s feet, red as the hibiscus twined around the image. I raised my eyes to hers. A wave of our shared rage washed over me. “You win. I am your instrument. Let me be a weapon in your hands. Just point me in the right direction and your will be done.” Stretching out my hands, I chanted the adepts’ mantra, over and over, visions of the destroyer dancing in my head.
Sandhya found me this way sometime later. Her voice fell soft on my ear. “Cedric…what are you doing out here?”
I paused in my chant and turned from the statue. “I’ve cleansed myself of impurity and am ready to do her will.”
Sandhya’s head tilted to the side, as if she hadn’t quite heard me right. “You shouldn’t have attended the cremation, but since you have purified yourself, we will proceed with the separation rites. Go to your room and wait for me. I must purify myself first.”
I turned away as she stripped down and slipped into the pool. My feet made their way toward my room, but my eyes couldn’t resist a backward glance. She broke the surface of the water and climbed out of the spring. Moonlight bathed her skin in shimmers of blue and silver. Rivulets of water ran from her hair and skated over her breasts, belly, and downward. Her mouth parted and eyes met mine. Breath caught in my throat. The Goddess manifested in flesh. She prompted me to turn back.
I reached out and caught Sandhya’s hands, pressing them to my lips. Her eyes misted over, and a wild cry burst from her throat. I wrapped my arms around her and covered her lips with mine. We collapsed onto the grass. My fingertips followed the contour of waist, hips, the slight swell of her abdomen, seeking the gateway. She moaned when I touched her yoni. A reservoir of suppressed desire welled up to ease the way. I rolled her onto her back and pulled my body over.
All the warmth that beamed from inside her enveloped me. Sandhya was fire. Any man who had the privilege of making love to her would consider himself lucky. Her legs wrapped around my waist, pulling me deeper. It took all of my skill not to climax in that moment. Her voice soothed and urged me to relax. A cleansing breath and I was in control. We moved in perfect rhythm, like when we danced together. My thrusts met with eager undulations. No ceremony, no hallucinogens; none were needed. The airy music and exquisite colors floated around our bodies just the same. No one could tell me this wasn’t meant to be. This is where I belonged. We were complete—God and Goddess—Shiva and Shakti. The tabla beat of our hearts drove us on and on, until the material world melted into waves of ongoing bliss.
She lay in my arms afterward, resting her head against me. Her hair cascaded down my chest and over her body. I swept the length back and explored the golden landscape from her face to hennaed feet, kissing all of my favorite spots. It was hard to decide which. There were so many.
“It never happened like that for me before…all of those climaxes,” I whispered into her ear. “You really are a goddess of love.”
“We should go inside.” She pulled away. “Someone may see us.”
“And risk you running off again?” I tugged her to the ground again and pouted. “You’d think I was repulsive.”
Her mouthed curved with mischief. “You are pale as a ghost and redheaded.”
I grinned back down on her. “Nobody else seems to mind.”
She laughed and met my lips with hers. “Silly boy.”
I pinned her down with my body and rubbed my nose against hers. “I’m not letting you go until you admit you’ve fallen madly in love with me.”
A smile bloomed on her face, erasing the sadness from her eyes. The girl she once had been looked up at me. “I have. God help me. I love you, Cedric, my silly, wonderful, lovely boy.”
The second time, she showed me all the female adept’s skills while I endeavored to provide the male half. It became a playful contest to see who could outdo the other. We laughed out loud during a particularly athletic moment, not realizing we weren’t alone.
“I knew it!” Avijit shook with anger. “Cover yourselves, for heaven’s sake!”
Sandhya scrambled off of me and wrapped her cotton sari around her body. I pulled on my loose trousers. Avijit looked on us, shaking his head. “Shameful.”
I wanted to come back at him, but realized it wouldn’t help matters. Avijit needed to say his piece and go away, so Sandhya and I could plan our escape. Playing into his anger would only make him argue more.
As a man, Avijit outranked Sandhya in the household, but she was first in the ashram, and he wasn’t near as tough as her. The twins faced one another, two sides of one coin, but her side was definitely heads.
“How can you debase yourself with this red-headed trash?” he asked.
She didn’t go on the defensive, but drew herself tall and proud. “I have never loved any man—not like this—not Raj certainly. For one moment in one hundred and seventy years, I have found happiness in a lover. Do not begrudge me what you had with Marco.”
Good for her. She’d thrown down the gauntlet for our love. Maybe now it wouldn’t be so difficult to persuade h
er to run away with me. My admiration for her had never been greater. I could see us among the rebels. She could find a purpose there for her intelligence and leadership.
Avijit’s little fists balled. “He’s not worthy of you. I’ll kill him.”
Her eyebrows went up. “No. He will go to Lord Liu as planned, and we will struggle on as best we can.”
Avijit grabbed my arm. “You heard my sister. Be on your way.”
“Let go of me, you wanker.” I tossed him off.
Sandhya stepped between us. Her voice dropped, resonating in her chest. “Avijit. Go. I will handle this.”
Avijit lobbed another poison dart in my direction. “Marco would never have attacked Giulietta if this one had not infected him with heresy.”
“You bastard.” My own hand formed a fist. The last thing I’d wanted was my friend’s death. Any doubts Marco had he’d nursed in his bosom for a long time. He’d struck out to defend the one he loved.
Sandhya seized my arm before I slugged Avijit in the face. “Stop. There’s been enough violence.”
Avijit threw me one last dirty look as he turned and left.
I grasped my love by the shoulders. “Sandhya—I can’t leave you now.”
A pained look flickered over her face. “You must. Listen to reason. Giulietta will destroy you if you stay.” I opened my mouth again. She pressed her fingers to my lips. “It is nearly sunrise. You must make ready for Lord Liu’s arrival.”
“Fuck that. I’m not going to be his boy forever.”
“I thought you cared for him.”
She touched a nerve. The feelings I had for Li Cheng were hard to categorize. There was no man I respected more, and I couldn’t deny my attraction to him. “I do…as a son does for a father. But I’m no longer a child. I love you. We’re meant for one another, not this prostitution.”
Sandhya’s face tensed. “Cedric, I will always love you, but we cannot go on in sin. You are not a true believer. I know it is difficult for you to understand, but I am still married to Raj in the eyes of heaven, and I take that vow seriously.”
My Fearful Symmetry Page 26