by Ruth Kaufman
“What happens now?” Her voice came out a whisper. “I thought you were putting on an act during the ceremony like I was, but you seem as calm and content with our marriage now as you did then. You told me you wanted to stay a messenger so you could travel the world and not sleep under a roof every night, much less the same roof. Neither of us wanted children born of two loyalties. Now you, too, are trapped, but you don’t seem upset or concerned. Are you now glad of all the king is bestowing upon you? What changed?”
You changed me. The realization struck him. From the first moment she’d awoken in his bed, he’d wanted her like a lovelorn swain pining for a maiden in a bard’s tale. Getting to know her made him want her all the more. He could love her, perhaps was already falling for her, if the emotions swelling his chest were any indication. One-sided feelings weren’t enough. He wanted her to want him, too. How could he encourage her to desire and love him in return?
“We are husband and wife. And that’s how we shall proceed. In every way.”
Her eyes widened slightly, but she didn’t hesitate or look askance. “As you wish.”
He didn’t want a resigned wife, he wanted a willing, nay, an ardent one. Dare he ask what she wished?
“Aline, the only ways for us not to get married were to run and hope we didn’t get caught, lie, or, God forbid, sacrifice our lives. None of these extremes suited me. So I decided to hope for the best. I don’t know what it’s like to be a lord. Because it’s not a title I ever sought and don’t know much about except from my father’s perspective as a tenant, I leapt to the conclusion I wouldn’t enjoy it and would feel constricted by the rules of being noble. The duties mark a huge change from what I’m used to. But, new and different doesn’t mean bad. What if this role suits me, and I enjoy it more than being a messenger? What if I’m afraid of what I don’t know? Only time will tell.”
“I don’t know you well, but you seem brave. Willing to take on challenges. You’re not a coward.”
He nodded his thanks. At least his wife thought well of him. That was a start. “I loved being a messenger, though like every position it has its flaws. Often I was glad to be by myself, instead of at court, where I find chattering lords and ladies to be cloying. There’s nothing like the peace and glory of being surrounded by stunning landscapes and birds singing. Especially when I rode through my favorite regions of France, such as the southeast near the mountains known as the Alps. The vistas take your breath away.”
“But I endured many nights on the road delivering an urgent message during terrible storms, deluged by driving rain or heavy snow, soaked and freezing. I would’ve been most grateful for less urgency, and for a companion because I felt so alone. So insignificant.
“If something dire had happened to me, I might not have been found for weeks. I could’ve died, alone. For no one knew exactly where I was. Plus, the need to do my job well pressured me to continue on when I was tired, rather than seeking shelter or even enjoying a respite by a stream on a beautiful day. I knew the recipient awaited the news I carried and the king needed or preferred a response as rapidly as possible. When lives were at stake. Or large amounts of money. How could I spend the night at some home I passed or linger over a meal knowing that?”
Aline sat on the bed. She looked tired and frail.
The day had taken its toll.
* * *
Apollo’s voice had lost the caring tone she’d come to appreciate.
“Thank you for explaining. While I understand your line of attack, I just don’t know if I can do as you suggest. If one feels cold, one can sit by a fire or put on more clothing. I don’t know a reliable way to change how I think. How I’ve thought for years.” Aline despaired over their latest impasse. “I’m sorry. I will try to focus on what we can have. I don’t want to be miserable and make you miserable, too.”
“That is something, at least. We don’t have to decide everything tonight. The hour is late. And we have a long journey tomorrow.”
We. The word had a nicer ring than she’d expected. A glimmer of hope raced over her. Was it possible she could enjoy this new life rather than endure it?
They both stared at the bed, clearly thinking the same thing. Consummation was at hand. The mere thought of him inside her again made her women’s parts tingle.
He reached for her, showering her with deep kisses she was surprisingly eager to return. For long moments, they stood together, tasting, exploring.
“Aline, I’m so ready for you.” His hand slid under her skirts and up her thigh. Knowing where it was headed made her moan in anticipation. “Ah. I see you’re ready, too.”
His finger stroked her wetness as her hips tilted toward him.
“I want to see you,” he said. “All of you.”
They shed their clothing. His appreciative gaze combined with her admiration of his form eradicated any embarrassment.
“Feel me, too.”
She complied. When she squeezed him lightly, he groaned. Mmm. What an enticing sound. She couldn’t wait to make him do that again.
Apollo led her to the bed. Soon he was inside her, pleasuring her more than she’d thought possible. He found his release shortly after she crested.
Early the next morning, she stretched, content as a cat replete with cream. Making love had been more wonderful than their first encounter. Perhaps because they were more familiar with each other’s bodies. Perhaps in part because they were man and wife.
If only they could remain in this happy state.
Apollo slept on beside her, so handsome in repose in the brazier’s faint glow. Hers. Her woman’s parts tingled.
Was she brave enough to touch him and see if she could rouse him so they could experience the delicious sensations again? Not yet. Perhaps in the near future. At least they shared their enjoyment of lovemaking. Was that enough, when there were many kinds of compatibility? They still had each day to get through, seeing if they could build a different life in a country still foreign to her before they could enjoy the night. And would she still enjoy the nights if the days were difficult?
King Philip’s ring—her ring—gleamed. Though she admired it as a piece of jewelry, it burned her finger hot as a brand. How would she bear wearing and seeing it for the rest of her days, knowing who else had worn it and how she’d come by it? She slid it off for a moment of relief, as if to return to her former self.
Something was engraved on the inside. The word fidélité. Loyalty. To whom, though? Her new husband and his country? Or herself and hers? Or to them as a couple? Had the king meant to send her a message that disloyalty would be punished?
So many questions. And she wasn’t sure she would like the answers.
They left just after dawn.
“I’m so glad to put that hut and the camp behind us,” she said.
As they traveled north and west, Aline had to admit the wintry landscape held a certain appeal, though she doubted she’d love it as much as the gently rolling hills of Cheshire where mist hovered in the valleys. England. Would she ever set foot on her native land again? She tamped down worries about what their manor, or manoir, would be like.
Apollo had offered to find a litter for her, but that would slow their progress, and though she’d never ridden as far as they needed to go, she wanted to start their marriage spending hours together, not apart.
The air was cold but not brutally so. She’d never be as painfully chilled to the bone as when she was stuck in the ravine with nothing but branches and dead leaves to shield her day after day. Furs kept her warm, and when they stopped to rest, Antoine built a fire. And they had plenty of food and other supplies, as well as two soldiers to guard them. Spending the night in a tent wasn’t an ordeal because Apollo was there to hold her.
Yet with each mile traversed, she felt she left more of her former self behind. Who would the new Aline be?
“We’ll be meeting my parents and sister later today,” Apollo said. “I sent word ahead so we won’t shock them with our new
s upon arrival, but I’m sure they’ll still be surprised and very curious.”
“Oh.” She was shocked by his news. Could she refuse? So much to figure out in their new relationship. “I assumed we’d visit our new home before meeting your family.” Now also her family. Her Norman family.
“I would’ve appreciated knowing sooner, or being asked if I wanted to meet them today.”
He rode closer and took her hand. “Forgive me. I can act in haste. And I’ve never had to consider anyone’s needs but my own and those who I serve. I’ll keep that in mind going forward.
“My family happens to be on the way. I’d like them to get to know you. They’ll be sorry to have missed my wedding.”
Which her family did get to attend. She wanted to be strong and show Apollo she was making her best effort, but so many changes at once overwhelmed her resolve. Travel drained her energy.
“And I want you to get to know some Normans you might like, or at least not hate. In addition to me, that is.” His smile tugged at her heart. “We can’t help where we’re born or what we’re taught. But we can help what we do with it.”
“As before, your wisdom makes sense. But if you told me to run a mile, I couldn’t do it even if I wanted to. Fitting in and being comfortable in the land of my enemy may be beyond my reach.”
Each time they took a step forward, they took a step back.
Rouen was a bustling city also on the River Seine. She should be more interested in exploring and learning about it, as it was near her new home. Another day. Tired of riding, she barely noticed the sites and buildings they passed. The faster they could visit his family and get to that new home, the better.
At last they halted in a street lined with wooden houses.
Aline knew she was dusty and dirty. There was nowhere to amend her windblown hair. She longed for her maid to style it as it should be, not the simple coiffures she’d figured out how to do herself.
Apollo helped her dismount. His smile didn’t warm her heart, nor did the brief moment in his arms improve her mood.
His family’s home was simpler than her family’s, of course. She’d been blessed to live such a comfortable life for so many years.
Three people stood as they entered the small solar on the second floor, a tall man in brown, clearly Apollo’s father, a woman, also tall and thin with a narrow face, and a pretty woman near her own age. Both wore plain gowns of good wool.
“Aline, I’d like you to meet my mother Celsa, my father Paris, and Artemis. I’m happy to introduce all of you to my bride, Aline de Norville.”
She started. She hadn’t yet heard her new name spoken aloud.
“Bienvenue.” His father’s mouth turned town. Clearly he wasn’t any happier to meet her than she was him. At least they had that in common.
“Bienvenue, Aline.” His mother looked as if she’d swallowed an insect. And called her by her given name, though Aline outranked her.
“Welcome, Sister.” Aline could see the resemblance between the siblings. Artemis had Apollo’s golden eyes and a smaller version of his nose. At least she acted as if she enjoyed meeting her sister-by-law.
“Je suis hereux de vous recontrer.” The acceptable response flowed from her lips. She wanted to be pleased to meet them, and for the first time wished her Norman accent was better. “Artemis, Apollo has told me of your children. Will I get to meet them, too?”
She’d seek any topic of conversation that wasn’t about her or their new marriage.
“Not today. Soon, I hope.” Her few words of English were slow and halted.
They hadn’t been offered a place to sit or any food or drink as her family would have done. Perhaps Norman traditions were different. Or perhaps Apollo’s family didn’t want them to stay long.
The three turned to Apollo and started asking questions so rapidly she could barely keep up with the translations.
“Why did you bring her to our house?” Apollo’s father.
“We’re thrilled you own land. But is the cost worth it?” Cesla.
“We don’t want to learn English for her.” Artemis.
Each comment stabbed her, but she kept her expression calm. How dare they look down their noses at her. She’d never felt so small. So insulted.
Fair enough. Her husband’s family wouldn’t accept her and she couldn’t accept them.
The air in Apollo’s home was frosty as the nights in the ravine. But Apollo looked more furious than she’d yet seen him.
* * *
This was the last thing they needed.
His family’s outright rudeness toward his wife stunned Apollo, and he fought the urge to recoil from the hostility on their faces. Not that he’d expected them to welcome her with open arms. Their countries were at war, but he’d thought them, as scholars, enlightened enough not to judge her before talking to her. Their ignorance saddened and hurt him.
If his family reacted this way, how would their neighbors?
He put his arm around Aline and drew her into the circle. She’d cast her eyes down, so he couldn’t tell if they’d hurt her or made her cry.
“Not another word,” he ordered. “Aline is a de Norville now. True, we might not have chosen each other, and both of us would have preferred to marry someone from our own country. But we are bound in the eyes of God and man. And if you want to see me again or any children we might have, you’ll sing a different song.”
Aline’s head snapped up.
Though his ultimatum took him aback, the gratitude in her gaze made standing up to his father worth it. Never before had he done so. He’d never needed to.
“We will not apologize for our views,” his father said in Norman French. “But we will endeavor not to share them with your wife,” he added in halting English.
A tiny effort, but preferable to none.
Aline hadn’t complained, but he could see by her slightly slumped shoulders and the obvious effort it took for her to stand tall that she needed rest. He didn’t want her in this hostile setting. To be honest, he didn’t want to stay with his family, either. More important was providing the best possible milieu for his new family. For Aline.
The urge to be alone with her in their own bed in their own chamber hit him hard. “I think it’s best we continue on rather than spend the night here.”
His family had the grace to look disappointed. Aline perked up a bit.
“I hope our next meeting is on better terms,” he said.
When they were outside, she burst into tears. Taking her into his arms didn’t calm her. “This will never work. They hate me. Maybe we should live apart. I can go to England. Neither of us could legally remarry, but you didn’t want to wed in the first place. I think I’d rather forgo children, forgo being a mother, than know I’ve separated you from your family. That was not my intent as you know, but the result is what it is.”
“I’m so sorry they were rude. I wouldn’t have brought you there if I’d thought they’d react so inhospitably. Perhaps I didn’t think it through enough. If they insult you, they insult me. I hope in time their views will change.”
* * *
They mounted and continued on.
Apollo had been reasonable and seemed willing to consider her wishes. But in the end, she had to follow where he went. Do as she was told. By law and religion, he had the authority. And, at least for now, the money. If she didn’t accept that, she’d be miserable. How she missed the happy feelings of her childhood, when she had so few worries and all seemed possible.
She took a deep breath of late afternoon air as the horses made their way down the road. “You’d said I was right, but I think you were. The best thing I can choose is to do as you once suggested: make the best of my new life.”
Count her blessings rather than dwell on all she’d lost or had wanted but didn’t and couldn’t have. Fresh tears came to her eyes at the thought of letting go of all she’d been and had hoped. She was a different woman now. A baron’s wife. A lady in her own right. A citizen
of France? In any case, stronger than the sheltered English Aline.
As night fell, they stopped in front of a sizeable wood manor house. Behind it she could see a barn and fields dotted with snow. Her life was changing again. After the ravine and the hut, having an actual home of her own, with at least one hearth if not more, was such a relief. She had changed if a fire was the first thing she thought of and was excited about, instead of how many servants or gowns she’d have.
The king could take it away as easily as he’d granted it…. She’d try not to dwell on that.
Hand in hand, they greeted the handful of polite servants who seemed grateful to meet their new lord, promised to bring some food shortly and left them to tour the spacious hall, kitchen, solar and chamber with what looked to be a well-appointed bed. Everything was clean and in good repair. Not as fine as she might have had as an English earl’s daughter, but better than she’d expected.
Though they had much work to do to settle in, she wanted to be alone with Apollo more than anything.
Why was that suddenly her most fervent wish? Though he was her husband, her parents would want her loyalties to remain with England alone. What they thought didn’t matter anymore, though the commandments ordered her to honor them.
They stood at the side of the bed, looking out the arched window onto now barren wheat fields. Their fields.
“All we’ve been through has taught me that what matters most is who you’re with and who cares about you the most. Now I want to learn more about my new country, our new lands, and see I can find about them to like,” she said. “Maybe even love, as I do the wine. And think I do you.”
“What?”
“I admit I’m surprised to have such deep feelings for you so quickly, especially given the circumstances of our meeting. But you’ve been my hero in more ways than one, and I’m looking forward to building a life together.”
He smiled. “I’m so glad to hear you say that, Aline. Whether you came from an opponent’s land or not, I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else as much as I do you. Meeting you at, say, a dance, would have been far more pleasant and courtly, but I think we already know things about each other and how to handle difficult moments together that most couples take years to figure out.”