by Paige Toon
‘Party last night?’
‘Yeah.’ He grins. ‘Bit of a mental one.’
Our room is all white walls and white wicker furniture. We’ve got a double bed too.
‘Do you want to get changed?’ he asks.
I exhale noisily and collapse on the bed. ‘Can’t we just stay here? I’m knackered.’
‘Come on, Lucy,’ he says buoyantly. ‘It’s fun down the street. Everyone’s in the party mood. Let’s go and have a few drinks!’
‘I’d give anything to just curl up with you and spend some time alone…’ I reach over and take his hand.
‘No, you wouldn’t.’ He grins good-naturedly and tugs on my hand to pull me up. ‘Come on, baby. You get to see me all the time. The others will think we’re losers.’
‘I don’t give a shit,’ I tell him, then realise that sounds a bit harsh considering they’ve given us this free holiday. ‘Okay.’ I sigh. ‘But I need to have a shower first.’
He rolls his eyes and flops down on the bed, wiping his brow. It’s hot outside and he’s sweaty, probably from running up the street to meet me.
Five minutes later I’m back in the bedroom, pulling my red and white summer dress from Warehouse out of my bag.
‘Erm…’ he says, looking at it.
‘What?’
‘Don’t you have anything more…sexy?’ he asks tentatively. ‘It’s just that the other girls are all dolled up and you might feel a little out of it in that.’
‘Oh, bloody hell.’ I sit back down on the bed. I didn’t bring much with me.
I empty the contents of my bag out and he picks up a black vest top with lace trim. ‘This and your jeans would look good,’ he says.
I’m a bit hot in my jeans but he reassures me that the bar is air-conditioned. I pull on the vest top and accessorise it with a chunky silver necklace and strappy red heels and then I turn to my make-up. I decide to vamp it up with dark silvery-grey eyeshadow and two coats of mascara. I forgo the lippy and stick with sheer lipgloss instead. I leave my hair down.
‘Perfect!’ James grins, pulling me down to lie on top of him. He puts his hands on my waist. ‘Mmm, very slim…’
‘All that walking,’ I answer.
‘Maybe we should stay here,’ he says, raising one sandy eyebrow. He kisses me on the lips, slowly, languidly. I can taste the alcohol on his breath but it’s not unpleasant. That’s one thing about James; he is a very good kisser.
‘Hey, you, you’re going to ruin my lipgloss,’ I chastise gently.
‘So put some more on,’ he says, flipping me over so that he’s on top. He kisses me again and moves against my leg, then he moans, gets up, and drags his hand through his hair.
‘Come on.’ He sighs. ‘We should get back down there.’
I climb off the bed, disappointed, and touch up my lipgloss in the mirror. I powder my nose again too, because my face is flushed.
The air is warm, and colourful pink and orange bougainvillea hangs over whitewashed walls as we make our way back down the path to the hub of the action. James holds my hand as he helps me negotiate the cobbles in high heels.
It feels like the whole of Spain is out tonight. Bars overflow onto the pavements and loud banging music comes out of every venue. People are shouting and laughing. I’m suddenly feeling more up for it. We go to the bar and James orders us a jug of Long Island Ice Tea. The table is already full of half-empty jugs of variously-coloured cocktails.
‘Lucy!’ Jeremy shouts, standing up. He leans across the table and gives me a sweaty kiss on my cheek. I turn and say hi to everyone else.
‘Hello, Lucy,’ Edward says drily from next to Jeremy, dark hair flopping over his eyes. Susannah, his prissy-looking wife, smiles snootily at me. She’s in her early thirties and her auburn hair is quaffed expensively atop her head. We have nothing in common, I’m absolutely certain of that. God knows why James thought I’d like to go and stay in Henley with them for a weekend. Is he barmy?
There are eight people around the table: Jeremy and his latest squeeze, a slender blonde called Lila, Edward and Susannah, Zoe, the brunette from the Christmas party, her boyfriend, Jim, and Terence and Hector, the two guys I vaguely recall from another office do. They seem to be on the pull from the way they’re eyeing up the girls at the bar.
As I survey James’s mates I wonder if one of these blokes sent that text. I bet they’d all shit themselves if I brought it up now.
I grin, inwardly. I’m tempted.
Jeremy rushes off to find another chair. His hair is slicked back with gel and it looks hard and crispy to the touch. Everyone shifts around so I can squeeze in between James and Jim. James grabs the jug and pours me a cocktail.
‘We’re all having Sex On The Beach again tonight, Lucy, if you want to join in.’ Jeremy leers.
‘You’re so funny,’ I reply, straight-faced. ‘I think I’ll stick to Long Island Ice Tea.’
James touches me on my leg and warns in my ear, ‘Be nice.’
Apart from James in a dark blue T-shirt, all the men are wearing shirts. They seem to have left their ties at the office, at least.
‘So what do you do?’ Jim asks, from beside me. His blue shirt is unbuttoned casually and I can just see a few hairs on his chest. I give him a brief overview of my job.
‘And you?’ I ask. ‘Are you a lawyer too?’
‘Oh, no.’ He shakes his head a little too quickly and it makes me smile. ‘I work in IT.’ He seems nice. Slim, with short strawberry-blond hair and just a hint of freckles.
‘How long have you and Zoe been together?’ At the sound of her name, Zoe’s ears prick up and she turns to join in the conversation.
‘Must be about,’ Jim looks at her for confirmation, ‘eight months now?’
‘About that,’ she says blandly.
‘Zoe, do you want a top-up?’ Edward interrupts, jug in his hand.
Hector, who’s very tall and skinny, and Terence, who’s chubby and a bit shorter than James, arrive back at the table sniggering. They’ve spent the last ten minutes up at the bar with a couple of platinum-blonde girls who look like they could be Swedish.
‘We’ve scored!’ They giggle. At first I think they mean they’ve pulled and I’m surprised because, compared to them, the girls are supermodels, but then I see the tiny packet Hector is waving in his hand.
‘Yes!’ Jeremy shouts, getting up and rubbing his hands together in glee. ‘You coming, James?’ he asks, then his eyes immediately dart towards me.
‘No, thanks,’ James answers, leaning back and putting his arm around my shoulder. He rubs my back.
‘Save some for me!’ Lila calls desperately, as her boyfriend heads off in the direction of the men’s toilets, leaving the rest of us at the table.
I turn to James, feeling sick. ‘I hope you don’t…’
‘Don’t be stupid, Lucy,’ he replies heatedly.
‘Then why did Jeremy ask?’
He takes his arm away from my shoulders in exasperation. ‘He’s only being polite!’ The others are watching us with amusement. I’m not about to cause a scene so I drop it.
I don’t enjoy the rest of the night at all. Half of the group are on a completely different wavelength but I feel separated from all of them, as they’ve been here drinking for hours and I’m never going to catch up. I really want to go back to the villa and fall into bed. I say this to James.
‘Shall I come back with you?’ he asks. Well, yes, that would be nice, I think.
‘I will come back with you,’ he says, with certainty in his voice before I even answer.
To much ‘booing’ from the others we say our goodbyes and head out of the door.
‘That was a bit awkward,’ James says, as we walk back up the busy street.
‘You could have stayed if you’d wanted to,’ I snap.
‘I’m hardly going to leave you to go back on your own, am I?’ he snaps back.
‘Just go!’ I tell him fiercely, storming off ahead, which isn’t easy in
my strappy heels. I’ve suddenly had enough of the day, of the evening, and of James.
‘Lucy, wait,’ he calls, running after me.
‘No, seriously, James, just go back and get shit-faced with your so-called mates!’ I’m angry now.
‘Hey! That’s not fair. They invited us and I don’t want to get shit-faced.’
I give him a look.
‘Oh, fuck off, Lucy.’
‘Maybe I will,’ I tell him meaningfully, before storming off again.
‘Do you want the key?’ he calls after me, spitefully. I stop in my tracks. Shit! He walks up the hill towards me in no great hurry. I suddenly want to cry. I suddenly want to speak to Nathan.
‘Lucy, come on,’ James says softly when he sees the tears in my eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’
I follow him as he unlocks the garden gate and leads me past the swimming pool to the front door.
‘You can go back if you want,’ I say reasonably.
‘I don’t want,’ he answers.
At 3 a.m. I wake and James isn’t in bed next to me. I sit up, brushing the sheets because I can still feel sand in the bed from his beach trip the day before. I get up and pad quietly over to the door. I can hear the others out in the living room. They’re quiet, obviously chilling out now after the mayhem down the main street. James must’ve gone back out there to join them. I climb back into bed, feeling unsettled.
I doze in and out of sleep but an hour later he still hasn’t returned. I start to feel anxious. I get up again and go over to the door. It’s quiet outside. Where the hell is he? I really, really don’t want to go out there and look like I’m nagging him in front of his mates so I get back into bed. I can’t fall asleep.
At 5 a.m. I can stand it no longer. I pull on the jeans and vest I was wearing earlier and open the door. The light is still on in the living room. I walk silently down the corridor and listen. Nothing. I stick my head out and see that the living room is empty, beer cans and fag ends still covering every surface. Straining to listen, I can just hear voices coming from outside. I peek out through the sliding doors that lead from the living room to the garden. James, Jeremy and Zoe are sitting on the steps, talking quietly. They seem to be alone. I don’t feel comfortable going out there. Jeremy is a twat and Zoe is aloof. I go back to bed, feeling nauseous.
I wish I had Nathan’s cassette player here with me. I get out of bed and find my phone. It must be about 2 p.m. in Sydney. Sunday afternoon. He’s probably surfing. I type out a text:
IN SPAIN WITH JAMES N SHITTY LAWYER MATES. FEEL OUT OF IT
I go to press send then reconsider. I return to the message and type Miss u at the end. Then I press send, my heart aflutter. I stare at the phone and wait. He’s probably surfing, he’s probably surfing, I chant internally. A minute later my phone buzzes. I snatch it up.
WHAT DO U CALL 10000 LAWYERS AT BOTTOM OF SEA? A GOOD START. MISS U 2
My heart swells with happiness as I type back:
HA HA. FUNNY. U NOT SURFING?
His reply comes back almost immediately:
NO. WORKING
NEW HOUSE ALREADY?
YES. SIGNED FRI
WOW. IMPRESSIVE. LET U GET BACK TO IT
OK. DON’T WORRY. B OK. CALL WHEN U GET BACK?
WILL DO
After I type this I go back and add a few kisses, then press send.
Feeling happier and calmer I manage to doze off again and when I wake up at 8 a.m., James is sleeping next to me.
‘Oi.’ I prod him.
‘Huh?’ he murmurs.
‘Where did you go last night?’
‘Shush…Sleeping.’
I sigh and roll over but I’m wide awake now. I grab my phone, go into the ensuite bathroom and lock the door. Then I reread Nathan’s text messages from last night.
MISS U 2
He misses me. I hold the phone against my chest as though it will somehow, stupidly, bring me closer to him. Then I read through each message again, and press delete, my heart sinking a little more as each one disappears from my inbox. I do the same with my sent messages.
An image of my mum’s face regarding me over her teacup comes back to me. I shouldn’t be doing this. I have to be careful. I know it’s wrong, what I’m feeling. But I can’t stop. I can’t help it. I’m falling for Nathan all over again. But he’s on the other side of the world and I’m here, with James.
I think again, not for the first time, about leaving James. But what then? Where on earth would I go? What would I do? I do love him. He made an effort to bring me over here to be with him this weekend and I know he loves me too. I adore our flat. My job is brilliant. I remember how warm Mandy was with me on Friday night, congratulating me on a spectacular launch. And if I did leave England now I’d really miss my friends. Karen, Reena and I are going to the theatre again next month and Chloe, Gemma and I have decided to make Thursday or Friday a regular drinks night. I’m excited about making some more girlfriends. And what about Somerset? I love going home to Mum, Terry, Tom and Nick. I had such a good time with them over the Easter weekend. My stepbrothers and I went down to the pub on Saturday night and had a few pints together. And Meg was great; she definitely fits in with our family.
I look down at my phone again. But I miss you, I think. And I miss Sam and Molly, my oldest friends. And Sydney with its crystalline waters, jagged skyline and sunsets so beautiful that they make your heart sing.
I’ve never felt so torn.
Chapter 17
‘I haven’t brought it,’ I say dully, the contents of my carry-on bag strewn across the bed. I’ve forgotten my sodding swimming costume.
‘Maybe one of the girls has a spare one,’ James suggests.
‘I don’t want to wear one of their spare ones!’
‘I’m only trying to help, Lucy. Anyway, why not?’
‘They probably wouldn’t fit. Lila and Zoe are like bloody giants!’
‘Alright, calm down. Why don’t you go for a wander down the street and buy another one?’
‘Do you know how difficult it is to find a decent swimming costume? I tried on millions before I settled on my green bikini!’
‘Now you’re just being difficult.’
‘No, I’m not!’ Well, yes, I am.
‘You can still come to the beach, can’t you?’
‘I suppose so,’ I respond sullenly.
‘Oh, dear,’ Susannah coos later, ‘what a shame you won’t be able to go swimming. It’s lovely in the water.’
‘Just come and stand up to your knees,’ Lila suggests.
‘If I had some Big Feet I’d be alright, wouldn’t I, James?’
He gives me a look.
‘What are Big Feet?’ Lila asks.
James laughs and brushes her off. ‘Nothing, Lucy’s only being silly.’
I feel a bit mean.
They all head off to the water, leaving me sitting on the sand with James.
‘Stop being so moody,’ he scolds. ‘It’s not their fault you forgot your bikini.’
‘And my sunglasses.’
‘And your sunglasses.’
I know, but I just can’t help it. I don’t like them. Any of them. Well, that Jim’s alright but he’s a bit quiet.
‘James! Come in!’ Jeremy shouts from the water. James looks at me.
‘Come on, then,’ I say, walking over to the water and wading through the waves up to my knees. Susannah’s right; the water is lovely. James goes a bit further out and Edward jumps on him from behind, pulling him underwater. I wince, as I wait for one of them to splash me. Susannah wades over.
‘It’s wonderful, isn’t it?’ she says.
‘Yeah, nice,’ I agree and make an effort to smile at her. ‘Sorry I couldn’t make it to Henley the other weekend,’ I say.
‘Henley?’ she asks, looking confused. ‘Oh, Henley!’ she exclaims. ‘Oh, no, don’t worry about it. We’ll have to go back there another time.’
The uneasy feeling swirls back into the pit of my stoma
ch. That was a bit odd. How can she not know what I was talking about? I glance over at James suspiciously as he tries unsuccessfully to float on his back and comes back up spluttering with water.
‘I might go and get an ice-cream,’ Susannah says to me brightly. ‘Anyone want an ice-cream?’ she calls out to the crowd in the water.
She leaves me standing in the shallow water on my own and I watch as the others bob with the gentle lift of the waves. James looks over to me and smiles. I half smile back. This doesn’t feel right at all.
‘Did you go to Henley with Susannah and Edward a few weeks ago?’ I ask James later.
‘Hey?’ he responds, confused. ‘You know I did. What are you on about?’
‘Susannah didn’t seem to know what I was talking about when I mentioned it to her earlier,’ I explain.
‘Really? She’s a weird one, isn’t she?’ He shakes his head in bemusement.
‘I can’t disagree with you there.’ I decide to drop it.
Back in London I have almost a whole week in the flat on my own before James is due to return the following Sunday. Strangely, I don’t feel too lonely. Nathan texts me on Wednesday to ask if I had any success increasing the number of lawyers at the bottom of the sea. We text back and forth a few times but it’s too hard to talk to him properly during the week with the time difference and both of us being at work. On Thursday night I go out with Gemma and Chloe and we’re all hopelessly hung-over the next day at work. That evening I invite them back to our place for a pizza and a DVD. Gemma has plans with her boyfriend but Chloe joins me and it feels good, sitting there, watching The Devil Wears Prada with someone who is fast becoming a proper friend.
‘Are you missing James?’ she asks me.