by Paige Toon
She chinks my glass and I take a large gulp of wine before looking around for Reena.
Towards the end of the evening I spot Nathan coming back from the bar and I break away from the group.
‘Having a good time?’ He smiles down at me.
‘Really nice,’ I reply happily.
He seems different, more chilled out to last weekend at the Walkabout pub. We haven’t had a chance to talk, just the two of us, but at least he hasn’t been avoiding my eyes all evening.
Karen was right, of course. I have been away with the fairies this week, pretending I’d turned a corner and had started thinking of Nathan as a mere friend. I hated how detached he was with me last time. Hated it!
‘Your friends are great,’ he says.
‘They are, aren’t they? I still wish Sam and Molly could be here, though.’
‘I know you do.’ He smiles. ‘Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t get you a present. You didn’t give me enough notice about your birthday.’
‘That’s okay, I wasn’t expecting anything.’ I laugh.
‘What are you up to tomorrow?’ he asks.
‘Nothing.’
‘I was wondering if you’d like to go to Windsor Castle? James too, obviously,’ he adds quickly.
‘That’d be lovely!’ Another place I’ve never visited.
‘Cool. What time shall I pick you up in the morning?’
When he said ‘pick you up’, I assumed Nathan meant he’d meet us on foot at the flat so I’m surprised to see him standing out in front of a Saab 900i. Richard is waiting in the front seat, so James and I pile in the back.
The upholstery is ripped and the creamy-brown paintwork has faded, but the car suits Nathan. He bought it for £500 to use while he’s here. As we pull out onto Marylebone Road in the direction of Windsor, he turns the sound up on the radio. I notice he’s got a cassette player and wonder if he misses his tapes.
Walking up to the castle, Richard and Nathan ahead of us, James takes my hand. I scold myself and grip James’s hand more tightly as I study Nathan’s back profile, hoping he doesn’t turn around.
Inside the stone walls we head first to the State Rooms. James and Richard are blown away by all the guns, but my interest peaks when we get to Queen Mary’s Dolls’ House. James fidgets impatiently and he and Richard go to wait outside. But I refuse to rush. I had to endure the weapons, for pity’s sake.
Nathan stays by my side as I peer closely through the glass at the tiny replicas.
‘Incredible, isn’t it?’ I whisper. I feel like we’re in a library, it’s so quiet in here.
‘Yeah,’ he whispers back, and I drag my eyes away from the dolls’ house to look up at him. The room is so dimly lit that I can barely see his expression, but my heart flutters as he meets my eyes in the darkness. I want to kiss him.
Lucy! Your boyfriend is metres away! Cut it out! I bring myself to my senses, just as a small girl turns the corner and starts to tell her mother petulantly that she really needs a dolls’ house like this because hers isn’t anywhere near big enough.
Nathan and I grin at each other and head towards the door.
‘That reminds me of shopping for Andie’s shoes.’
‘I don’t know how you’re still sane,’ he says.
‘Sane? Well, I don’t know about that…’
In St George’s Chapel, Nathan stands quietly and looks up at the ceiling, while I follow James and Richard to the altar. I know I have to be careful not to seem too attached to Nathan, so I link my arm through James’s as we wander past the impressive choir stalls. After a few minutes he and Richard again lose interest, so I offer to retrieve Nathan and meet them outside.
I find him still gazing upwards in amazement.
‘That is mental,’ he says. I look up and take in the beautiful intricate stonework. When I turn back to him he’s still shaking his head in wonder.
Afterwards, Nathan drives us to Eton for afternoon tea.
‘It would be nice to have a car, wouldn’t it?’ I turn to James. He nods. ‘Maybe we could buy this off Nathan when he leaves?’ I suggest.
James shakes his head, reaching out to flick at the ripped upholstery in the back of Nathan’s seat. The music is playing loudly so Nathan can’t hear, thankfully. I turn away and look out of the window. I like this car.
As we wander along the streets of Eton, I stop for a moment outside a quaint antique shop to look at the tiny silver charms in the window.
‘That Concorde one is cool,’ Nathan says from beside me.
‘Yeah. Hey, James, I’m just nipping in here,’ I call. He and Richard are looking in the window of a model car shop a couple of doors away. Nathan follows me into the shop and I ask to see the box of charms. The sales assistant notices me fingering the Concorde one.
‘Flew its last flight right over our heads,’ she tells me.
‘Would you like it?’ Nathan asks.
‘Yes, I think I would.’ I smile.
‘I’ll get it for you…’
‘No, it’s okay!’
‘I want to. Birthday present.’
‘Ah, thank you. Every time I see Concorde, I’ll think of you.’
‘Cheers,’ he laughs, sarcastically. ‘That’ll be often, then?’
‘Look.’ I show James, later.
‘Mmm,’ he says, barely interested.
I put the charm in my purse, and feel oddly more attached to it than to the expensive diamond necklace hanging around my neck.
Chapter 23
It’s November and we’re all going to Gemma and Martin’s flat in Primrose Hill for fireworks night. The leaves on the trees have finally turned. It seems like only a week ago that they were green, but now they drop from the branches in varying shades of red, orange and yellow.
The smell of chestnuts cooking on the street corners in town has been making me crave Christmas already. I love this time of year here. It’s just not the same in Australia, where the sun is beating down and everyone walks around in shorts and T-shirts instead of hats, scarves and woolly winter coats. No amount of tacky tinsel and the sound of ‘Jingle Bells’ blaring out of shop doorways Down Under can compete with England’s dark nights, fairy lights and warm log fires.
We all gather at Gemma and Martin’s for mulled wine before the fireworks display, then head off up the hill with rugs and flasks of milky, sugary coffee. Nathan is here, with Richard too, and Chloe has joined us for the evening. We lay our rugs down on the grass and chatter happily as we wait for the fireworks to start.
‘Did you guys make it to Harrods last weekend?’ I ask Richard and Nathan.
‘Yeah. What a sight that shop is.’ Richard laughs. ‘I’ve never seen anything so gaudy. Got a couple of tea towels to take back for my granny, though.’
I’m sitting between James and Chloe. Gemma and Martin are to my right, and Richard is next to Chloe on my left with Nathan at the end, so I have to lean forward to see his face. He’s nodding at Richard in agreement.
‘What do you guys think of Old Blighty?’ Chloe asks.
‘Ah, it’s great,’ Richard enthuses. ‘I definitely want to come back.’
Chloe nudges me gleefully.
‘What about you, Nathan?’ she asks. ‘You coming back?’
‘I don’t know.’ He smiles at her. ‘We’ll see.’
Downcast, I hear James exhale from beside me and turn to look at him sharply, but he’s not listening to our conversation. Instead he’s typing a text.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask him.
‘Oh, it’s Zoe. She’s upset.’
‘About Jim?’ I ask, feeling uncomfortable.
‘Yeah,’ he answers, distracted as he continues to type, then presses send.
Moments later a text comes back.
‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ he snaps, reading it before starting to write another one.
‘What’s she saying?’ I ask evenly.
‘She wants me to go and see her.’ I frown and look away. ‘Don’t worry,’ he
assures me hurriedly. ‘I’m telling her I’m busy.’
Good, I think. He sends that text and wraps his arm around me, drawing me close and keeping me warm. It’s freezing tonight. I’m still slightly on edge, wondering if another text is about to come in. But instead his phone starts to ring.
‘Sorry, sorry,’ he mutters, and stands up, flipping his phone open. He wanders away from us and I immediately feel cold again.
‘James alright?’ Chloe asks.
‘Zoe playing up,’ I say.
‘Who’s Zoe?’ Richard asks.
‘Just some girl from James’s work,’ Chloe chips in.
‘She’s a friend,’ I explain. ‘Her boyfriend cheated on her.’
‘Oh, right.’ Richard pulls a face.
I glance across at Nathan. He’s staring off down the hill and, even though he’s close by, I suddenly miss him. Really miss him. I wish we could have some time alone to talk properly. It’s impossible to speak to him with all these people around. Moments later James comes back.
‘Is she alright?’ I ask coolly.
‘No, not really.’
‘Oh.’ I feel a little sorry for her. ‘Why don’t you go and see her?’ I suggest magnanimously.
‘Would you mind?’ He looks at me, relieved. ‘I won’t be long, I’ll just go and check she’s okay.’
He bends down to give me a kiss on the lips but I turn my face so he catches my cheek instead. I watch as he ambles off down the hill towards Zoe’s place, only a five-minute walk away. My spirits lift as I turn back to my friends. ‘When are these bloody fireworks going to kick off, then?’
Nathan opens one of the flasks to offer me coffee.
‘I’ll share that flask with you, then?’ I get up and go to sit beside him. Gemma and Martin close the gap next to Chloe.
‘Sure.’ He smiles at me as he hands it over.
Something unpleasant is niggling away at me. I shouldn’t have encouraged James to go and see Zoe just so I can spend more time with Nathan. That was manipulative.
But James made the decision to leave, didn’t he? In fact, he chose Zoe over me! His girlfriend! How dare he? Right, no more niggling thoughts, thank you…
It’s a clear, dark night, and we can see the lights of London ahead of us. I lie back on the rug and Nathan does the same. The stars are bright overhead.
‘There’s the saucepan,’ I point, and he grins.
‘Not as bright as Down Under, though, are they?’
‘No. Hey, I’ve been practising this one for ages.’ I edge closer to him on the rug, trying to get warm. ‘I’ll probably still forget how it goes. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?” “Watson, you idiot!” he exclaims. “Someone has stolen our tent!’”
I squeal with laughter at my own joke and startle Chloe and Richard. I can’t believe I remembered it right.
‘Sorry,’ Nathan apologises to them. ‘Lucy’s cracking herself up.’
I smile across at him in the darkness and feel jittery.
We’re silent for a moment, then he speaks. ‘James alright?’
‘Yeah…’ I brush him off. ‘How are you? I feel like I haven’t had a proper conversation with you for ages! How’s your job going? Is your boss being nicer to you now?’
‘He’s alright,’ he says.
‘Still busting your balls?’
‘Not really.’ He laughs. ‘But, well…’
‘What?’
‘I guess I’m still feeling out of it.’ I nod, encouraging him to open up. ‘It’s just that the other guys there are all older than me. Even Rich is three years older, and I don’t think my boss takes me very seriously, you know? I don’t exactly look like your typical burly builder.’
‘Thank goodness. Sorry, I mean, no offence to burly builders, but I just…like you the way you are.’
‘Aw, Luce.’ He smiles. ‘It’s fine. I kind of miss my renovation work but I’ll be getting back to it in a couple of months.’
My face falls and I picture my heart thudding more dully in my chest. ‘Do you have another house lined up?’
‘Not yet. A couple of estate agents are on the case, though.’
An almighty bang scares the living daylights out of me and I jump. Nathan laughs as we both sit up to watch the fireworks, me desperately trying to forget his forthcoming departure so I can enjoy having him here while I can.
The display is spectacular.
‘They’re not as good as the ones in Sydney Harbour, though, are they, boys?’ I look across at Nathan and Richard.
‘It’s a close call,’ Richard says.
But they still provoke plenty of oohs and aahs. Off in the distance, dozens of smaller shop-bought sparks are going off. Richard points them out. ‘Why do people bother with the crappy small ones when they can see crazy big displays like this?’
‘I know!’ Chloe agrees. ‘And little shits will still be setting them off for weeks to come at all hours of the bloody night.’
I think of my stepbrothers back in Somerset.
‘What are you smiling at?’ Nathan whispers.
‘Just thinking that Rich is right,’ I reply, ‘but there’s also nothing like the thrill of setting off your own. I know that from watching my stepbrothers, Tom and Nick, in the back garden at home.’
‘That’s so true. Sam and I would have such a laugh with Dad. Used to drive poor Mum nuts. She was always worried we were going to blast someone’s eye out.’
I snuggle even closer to him, pulling the rug over our legs to keep the cold out.
‘I’d like to meet your stepbrothers,’ he says to me.
‘I wish you could. Shame you can’t come to Somerset for a weekend while you’re here.’
He doesn’t say anything. It would of course be perfectly possible for him to visit Somerset but it’s hardly likely to happen. James and I are going there at the beginning of December and I doubt I’ll get a chance to go home before then. I couldn’t invite Nathan home without James, and I would never dare ask James if Nathan could gatecrash our December weekend.
After a while, James reappears. The only space next to him on the rug is at the other end beside Martin and Gemma, and he doesn’t look too pleased. I squeeze Nathan’s arm regretfully and stand up to join James, the cold air immediately making me shiver.
‘How was she?’ I ask him.
‘Not the best.’
‘You missed the fireworks,’ I point out annoyingly.
‘It’s okay, we saw a few from her balcony.’
Suddenly I’m the one feeling annoyed. ‘Oh, nice, so you watched the fireworks with her, then.’
‘Lucy, please,’ he grumbles, running his hand through his hair and turning to look back down the hill. ‘Why are women so…draining?’
‘Charming!’ I snap.
‘Sorry, sorry,’ he soothes me. ‘Jesus, it’s cold.’
‘I’m bloody freezing,’ I agree, glancing back woefully at the blanket still covering Nathan’s legs. He’s not looking at me so I can’t catch his eye and smile. I turn back to James, who’s examining my face.
‘What?’
‘Nothing,’ he says, pulling me to him and vigorously rubbing my arms to try to warm me up. ‘Do you mind if we go soon?’ he asks. ‘I’m knackered.’
Later, whe
n we’re sitting on the tube on our way home, James turns to me. ‘I didn’t like coming back up the hill and seeing you sitting so close to Nathan.’
‘Well, you buggered off to see Zoe!’ I snipe, outraged.
He sighs. ‘It’s alright, it’s no big deal. But I’m just saying I didn’t like it. I felt a bit…jealous,’ he adds.
‘There’s no need for that.’ I pat him on his leg.
‘I’d just rather you didn’t spend too much time alone with him.’
‘Look, don’t worry,’ I say. ‘There’s really no reason why I would. We’re busy during the week at work and on the weekends we can all go sightseeing together. You and I keep meaning to get out more and now we’ve got a proper excuse, haven’t we?’
‘Yeah, I suppose so.’ He smiles uncomfortably.
‘You’re different with Nathan than with James, you know,’ Chloe says the following Monday at work.
‘Hey?’ I shift, embarrassed.
‘No, you are,’ she tells me. ‘Isn’t she, Gemma? It’s something about the way you talk to each other. You laugh more!’
‘I laugh with James,’ I respond defensively.
‘Of course you do,’ she mollifies me. ‘But it’s different. Oh, never mind,’ she says when she sees my expression. ‘Forget I said anything.’
But I can’t get her comment out of my head. It’s true. I do chatter more around Nathan. James and I don’t really have the same sort of relaxed banter. Am I more myself with Nathan, though? Or does he just bring out a different part of my character? I think I like myself more when I’m around him. And that, in itself, is confusing.
Over the next few weeks, James does join Nathan and me on several sightseeing trips. We go on the Millennium Wheel, to museums, even the Tower of London. Richard is always in tow, and even Ally too on a couple of occasions. The two of them seem to get along well, which is both comforting and disappointing in equal measure. I feel bad for Chloe, who is rather smitten with Richard, but relieved that Ally hasn’t set her sights on Nathan.
But, while I spend my weekdays looking forward to the weekend when I’ll see Nathan, when I do see him it’s always a let-down. I find I can’t relax around him at all–mainly because James is there. How ironic, considering Chloe’s comments. I’m trying to be as normal and cheerful as possible with both of them but, to be honest, I don’t really feel myself around anyone at the moment.