The problem was growing. It was painfully obvious how quickly time was passing. Revealing her own hidden truth was not something Becca was looking forward. When she will no longer be able to hide beneath her baggy clothes Lidia now would just assume that Becca was pregnant with Austin’s child. And Becca did not want it to be that way.
Becca thought that she could deal with everything on her own. But now things were out of her hands. Thanks to Cadence
“Let’s go for a walk,” Cadence touched her belly and got up to face Becca, who was not sure if she was talking to her babies or to her. “Oh my God, Becca! Any chance you looked at yourself in a mirror lately?” She squeaked as she almost tripped over her chair. She gave Becca a good long second look.
“I probably should have. What is wrong?” Becca touched her face with the tips of her fingers.
Cadence eyed the fullness around Becca’s waist. “We are not going to keep hiding your beautiful baby any longer! We have to be prepared share the truth.”
Becca’s body was shaking slightly as she lowered her eyes and tilted her head forward to look at herself. She sighed, “I was hoping to keep it a secret forever. But you’re right. Babies do not wait. I guess I have to talk to Lidia anyways. Things are going to be different now, aren’t they?”
“Different? What do you mean? You were not going to tell anyone about your baby? You’ve grown bigger already.”
“No, I was planning to. I don’t want anything from Austin though. I just want his baby.” Becca’s eyes filled with unexpected wetness.
What was wrong with her? She’d gotten what she wanted. Was she expecting love too? Did she expect it to appear magically out of nowhere?
She realized the she had been selfish to her friend and to herself. Cadence needed her the most now. She should not ruin their friendship over the spilling of a little secret.
“You want to hear what I have to say? The baby will need a family. The baby will want a father. And you are in love with Austin. Besides, Lidia’s been pulling for you from the moment she met you. What keeps you from letting her know the truth?” Cadence gave her warm encouraging smile.
“The man himself,” Becca’s emotions were all over the map lately. She went from elated state of feeling her child inside to the depths of jealousy over Austin’s imaginary girlfriends. “I only wanted to know that I matter to him. But I don’t. I haven’t heard anything from him since he invaded my room demanding to know what Joe and I had done.
She did not feel well. She sat on a windowsill and looked at the beautiful turquoise water stretching to the horizon.
So close and so far, she thought. Just like Austin.
His child was so close to her heart, inside her. It made her feel warm and cozy. She loved him already, she thought. The man she loved was so far away and so unaware of her struggles, it physically hurt. She crossed her arms on her chest and tried to hold herself tight, unable to move.
“We’ve been friends for a long time,” Cadence said pointedly. “More than friends. You were always a sister to me. With my brother being in the army and me all by myself, I would not have made it without you. I would be in a very different place right now, if not for you, Becca. And Roman knows and appreciates that. Everybody knows, including Lidia. There is no way you will be mistreated while I am here. And I am not just talking about my mother-in-law.”
Her words were penetrating Becca’s brain, giving her some hope, some optimism for the future. She knew all along that Cadence would support her. But she never wanted to get between Cadence and her mother-in-law. She was not about to use her friend in this way. She cared about her more than she did about herself. It gave her unexpected strength and resolve. She would take care of this rough patch on her own. She would not allow Cadence to ruin the peace in her family over her, no matter how hard it was going to be.
“You are right, Cadence,” she said. “I will talk to Lidia. In fact I will do it today. Thank you for giving me the right amount of push and encouragement. And of course, I do love you and I will do anything not to disappoint you.”
Becca stood up with a smile on her face, determined to change her attitude.
Shaking her head, Cadence followed her inside the villa. Becca suggested they change into swimsuits and go to the beach for a peaceful swim in the ocean, hoping to reduce her angst before she talked to Lidia and Roman.
***
The warm waves soothed and took the edge off her built-up emotions. Cadence was so happy with Becca’s decision that she acted like a little pappy, fooling around in the water in spite of her condition. They even swam to the nearby coral reef to watch the underwater ocean life. Becca was worried that it could be dangerous for her friend to stay for so long in the open ocean. They swam back to the shore and headed to the villa, full of promises to each other.
How long had she been waiting for Austin to show up, to sweep her off her feet, to make her his forever? Why had she actually believed that such things were even possible? How naive! Now she felt much stronger. She would not hide any more. She would face whatever happened on her own, not relying on any man, just the way she planned it before. The first thing she was planning to do was to take care of her baby.
For that, she reminded herself, she needed to drive to her appointment with Dr. Ross for a checkup. Becca was desperate to learn if she was having a boy or a girl. Her doctor promised to tell her when the time was right. And time was never more right than now!
“How did it get so late so soon?” the Dr. Suess line sing-songed in her head. It seemed appropriate enough as she was reviewing her childrearing skills for the millionth time. She was destined to be a good mother, she thought, proud and purposeful.
THIRTY-THREE
Austin had promised himself to take care of Rebecca as soon as he could.
He never actually cared for anyone in his life this much before—even his own mother, he thought with a pang of sadness.
Austin could never understand how a woman as beautiful as his mother could end up like she did. It killed him to see her fragile little body gradually deteriorate. Eventually, the prescription pills took her life. And with her gone, Austin discovered later, his suffocating pain was gone too. The pain of having no real identity became so dull that he stopped noticing it.
He had loved his mother. As a young boy, he expected her to be always there for him. But she wasn’t. She sank deep into the painkiller trap.
He felt a physical pain just to think of his mother, her inability to stop herself from sliding that slippery slope of drug abuse. She claimed she didn’t choose it voluntarily. She saw herself as a victim of the minor car accident. He could not accept her weakness. And as much as he wanted to help her, she had never let him. Austin blamed himself for giving up on her, for not trying harder to save her life. She overdosed on her prescription. He was just eighteen years old, a teenager, troubled enough with his own choices and dealing with unexpected turns his life was taking.
So, he grew up basically motherless. He’d had to pretend many times that he knew how to be around women, how to be with a woman.
But he had to admit to himself, in reality, he was afraid of women. He was afraid of being himself with the one...until recently…
That was why he never opened that letter his mother had left for him. All this time he was hoping he would never want to open that darned letter. What else would he find out about himself that hurt?
Rebecca Lawson had somehow changed him. Austin found himself wanting to be with her, wanting her to know everything about him. Was this what love does? It changes a man? All his life he had tried to fix the mistake that was his birth. He’d tried to change himself into someone worth loving. And all this time what he needed to change him was the love of a woman?
His desire for Rebecca grew stronger and stronger. Every day, he promised himself to take care of it. He had to face Rebecca. He had to have that dreadful talk with her. He had to warn her about what it meant to be with him. The problems they might fa
ce if they wanted to have a real family. The children… She might never understand him. He’d just have to hope.
But before he did that, he would need to read his mother’s last letter. And deal with whatever it was in it.
Austin walked into the kitchen, opened the drawer where he kept the letter and sat down to read it.
My dear boy, my son!
You are reading this letter after I am gone, because I am too weak and could not face you to give you this news. Now, with me in a safe place and you’ve grown up a little more, we can both do it.
Your mother and your father were killed in a car accident few days before you were supposed to be conceived. They could not have their own children in the normal way. I was the only suitable surrogate mother Alice could accept. I was her twin sister. We were supposed to have you in her loving hands within the short period of nine months that I would have to carry you inside of me. She was so happy!
But tragedy struck. And I had to make a choice. It was an easy choice for me. I loved my sister and I could not kill even an idea of her. I proceeded the only way I knew how to. The only right way.
P.S. I loved you very much. I think I owed you the truth about who you really were to me. Sorry.
Felicia, your mom.
Austin was struck with the realization of what the woman had done—to him, but also to herself. She had sacrificed her own young life for him. She gave her life to him. He felt nauseous, dizzy.
He could not get her back. He could not get anyone back. The sickness in his stomach made him cringe with the pain. One thing was clear to him right now. He did not want to lose the only woman he had ever loved. He must use an every opportunity to let Rebecca know what she meant to him. To let her know how much he wanted her to be happy. And if there was even the slightest chance that she still loved him, he wanted to grab that chance. He had enough regrets in his life. He did not want any more.
Austin picked up his cell and dialed Lidia’s number. It was time for him to finally do something about his true self, reveal himself to the woman he loved.
“Hello,” a cheerful young voice answered.
“Hi, Lidia. It’s Austin.” He was more than certain she knew that.
“Aw, Austin, dear. Good to hear from you.” Lidia voice became polite and reserved.
“Is Rebecca around?” Austin continued, without engaging in a small talk with her.
“She just left for the city.”
“Do you know where she went?”
“I think she had an appointment with her GP.” Probably intuiting his unspoken question, she added, “You don’t need to worry. It’s just the regular...hmm,… checkup.”
She stressed the word ‘checkup’ as if she wanted to imply something else.
“The one you’re supposed to take every year, to make sure everything is alright,” she added quickly.
He felt like she wasn’t telling the complete truth.
What could be wrong with Rebecca? His insides sank.
“She still does not have a mobile, does she?” Austin asked, knowing the answer.
“Oh, don’t even start with her about it. She does not want to hear anything about phones. She has some sort of a ‘phone’-phobia, poor girl. So, no, she does not have a phone.”
“I might come for a visit very soon. I am leaving now for the island.”
“We’re always happy to see you, Austin. You should know that. Nothing has changed. You know. Between us…”
When he hung up the phone he knew exactly where he needed to go. Without hesitation, he dialed his assistant’s number to arrange a flight to the big island.
THIRTY-FOUR
Heading alone to the city was never pleasant for Becca. She had to do it, though. Today was her first ultrasound. She was going to bring the picture of her baby home. She was stronger now, stronger, than she had thought of herself before. There was no hesitation, no heartache left. She just knew her baby belonged to her, and only to her. She loved it already.
Austin had not attempted to contact her since their break-up in Bern.
She was afraid that he would. Then things might turn out differently.
Now, with her secret about the baby out of the bottle like a genie, and everything settled with her job, she relaxed and intended to enjoy her pregnancy as much as she could.
Becca had not gotten much sleep the previous night thinking about that dreadful talk she’d finally had with Lidia. She could not turn off the voice in her head that kept telling her how wrong she was to assume that Lidia would not want to have her around with the bay. How could she?
After Becca told Lidia about her pregnancy, Lidia not only did not bring up Austin’s name in the conversations, but she did not even ask her anything about the father of a baby. That had surprised Becca a lot. Her relationship with Austin was not that obvious to everybody after all. It was all in her head.
Lidia was strangely cool about Becca’s new “expansion”, and received the news as if she had expected it sooner or later. She even promised to talk to Roman about giving Becca and her future child a bigger living quarters in the villa. This was a huge relief. Becca had worried about possibility of losing her job for so long.
Becca noticed that she started to drive the car a little bit faster, past her usual safety limits. Excitement filled her entire body. Now she was free to show her growing belly to the whole world! And, she was going to keep her job. That meant a lot to her. Even with the Cadence’s help she would not want to impose on her friend. She wanted to deal with her employment on her own. She did not want to be the cause of the possible friction between Cadence and her mother-in-law.
She hated to feel any kind of guilt. All her life, Becca had run away from being guilty.
First, she was guilty that her parents stayed in the loveless marriage because of her, the only child.
Second, she felt guilty that her existence was making them lonely and unhappy.
She felt guilty for wanting to run her own life, when she turned sixteen. But, she needed to stay and look after her aging grandfather.
Finally, she felt guilty for not being that girl Austin wanted her to be when they were together seven years ago. Was she not good enough for him? What had changed in him?
Why had he acted that last time like he needed her in his life? She’d totally screwed it up.
She felt that he was hiding from something. She wanted to know what…or maybe she didn’t.
He was going to ask her about the child as soon as Lidia told him the news, for sure. Becca decided that she would wait until then. At least, Joe would leave her alone forever. That was another happy thought that leaped into her mind.
***
Dr. Martin was examining the screen while Becca was patiently lying on the examination bed, waiting for his search for the clue of the baby’s gender. Everything was going so smoothly, he said. He’d told Becca she need not worry about the baby at all. He was going to give her a film with the picture on it. She felt the thrill and the innate knowledge that she had done the right thing.
Almost by an accident.
The fact that her baby was alright and it was Austin’s made her happy. She was even more excited when she looked at the picture of a teeny little body on the film Dr. Martin had given her. She was trying to find Austin features in that miniscule face. She already loved this baby more than anything in the world.
Her current fears and insecurities just vanished, dissipated into thin air. It was time to go. Time to start a totally new life. Care for her baby. She was going to be the best mother to her child.
With single-minded determination she propelled out the door and into the sturdy arms of man who could not possibly be there.
The loud cry escaped from her mouth, “Austin!”
Her chocolate almond-shaped eyes wide open, Becca was holding the thin white envelope in her hands, clutching it to her chest in an instinctive motion.
Her knees gave out and she was falling, falling into his outstretched, r
eady for her, his muscular arms. It felt divine, almost unreal. But she knew that it was her destiny. She could not hide her feelings for this man any longer. She melted and molded into his shoulder. She wanted to stay like that forever.
***
Instinctively, Austin jumped to catch Becca’s shaking body and hold her in his arms. She smelled so good. Some childhood scent he remembered, from the country house, the same place where he had seen her that last time before he ran away. It was the one and only time she’d told him that she loved him.
Had he been longing for her ever since then? No one had told him before that he was loved. Austin was scared to death by her confession. It was like the word love meant something fatal, a precious gift you could only use once, something you could not replenish. And she had given it to him. He did not want to take it, to disappoint her. He thought that if he did not take the love from her, she could still use it, somewhere better, with someone better than him. She was so beautiful. He treasured her. He loved her!
She felt good in his arms. She almost buried her face under his armpit. He was holding her so tight. But, she did not seem to mind at all.
She is so tiny, so fragile, Austin thought, pulling her up to see her face. She did not let him. Was she silently crying?
“Rebecca? What’s wrong, baby? What’s wrong?” He felt his shirt getting a bit colder where she held her face. Now he had no doubt that she was crying.
He let her. Austin instinctively knew that whatever she was holding from him , she’d tell him in her own time. And, they’d face it together.
THE END.
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Time After Time Page 17