“Goddammit!” He closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. “Do you know what this means? I lost the bet.”
“The bet?”
“Yeah.” Gage took a long swallow of his beer. “Lanie bet me after that night at your house, when we all had dinner, that you guys had a thing. I didn’t see it at all.”
I blinked in surprise. “Fuck. Really? Carolyn said the same thing.”
Gage nearly choked on his beer. “Are you kidding me? How am I so dense?”
“Don’t feel bad. I worked really hard not to let it show. I worked really hard not to feel it at all.”
“Did you?” He looked at me sympathetically. “That’s got to be hard.”
“Yeah.” I shook my head. “But it didn’t work. I still feel it.”
“Does he?”
“He did a couple weeks ago. But I fucked it up.”
“How?”
“I told him we had to stay a secret. It hurt him.”
“I get it. That would hurt.”
It felt like he punched me. “Yeah. But I wasn’t ready to accept it yet—the fact that I wanted to be with a guy.”
Gage thought for a moment, took another drink. “Have you always felt like that? Attracted to guys?”
The back of my neck got hot. “Sort of. From the time I was young, I had the occasional feeling for someone. But I was always able to ignore it.”
His expression turned guilty. “I feel kind of bad that I never knew or guessed this about you. We’ve been best friends forever.”
“Don’t feel bad. I did everything I could to hide it. And I liked girls too. It wasn’t really that big of an issue.”
“I was just going to ask that. If you’d been faking it with women.”
“Not necessarily. But it’s been a really long time since I’ve had good chemistry with a woman. And I’ve never had chemistry with anyone like I do with Maxim.”
“Wow. So what now?”
I took a deep breath. “Now I try to figure out where to go from here, I guess. How to be honest about my feelings. How to accept this about myself. How to convince Maxim to give me another chance.”
“Tell me what to do to help you,” he said seriously, setting his beer bottle down. “Lanie and I will do everything we can.”
“Can I bring a guest to the birthday party Sunday?”
He grinned. “Absolutely.”
I was tempted to go right from there to The Blind Pig, but I didn’t want to say what I had to say to Maxim in public. I texted my sister.
Need to talk. Can you meet me for breakfast tomorrow?
She replied within ten minutes. Sure!
We set the time and place, and I drove home, feeling hopeful for the first time in weeks. I’d done it—I’d told the truth about myself to someone, and he’d been supportive.
I could breathe.
“So what’s up?” Ellen pulled her hair into a ponytail, then picked up her coffee cup.
My stomach was jittery. Telling Gage had felt easier, for some reason. I opened my mouth to speak, closed it, took a sip of coffee, fussed with my napkin in my lap. “I have to tell you something, but it’s difficult to say.”
“Let me help. You and Maxim.”
I stared at her. “Yeah. How’d you know?”
She rolled her eyes. “Because I’m your sister and sisters know everything. But really, anyone with two eyes and half a brain could have guessed it.”
“Really?”
“Really. You weren’t fooling anyone. Not very well, anyway.”
“Huh.” I scratched my head.
“But I get why you tried to. This isn’t easy for you.”
“No.” I frowned. “It isn’t. And Mom and Dad—”
“Are not part of this. These are your feelings and you have to own them. I know what Mom and Dad think, but if they love you, and they do, they will want you to be happy.”
“They might never accept this, or him.”
She shrugged. “Then it will be their loss. Maxim is amazing.”
“He is.”
“So give them a chance to accept it. This is a big change, and it might take some getting used to. But it’s okay.” She leaned forward and ruffled my hair. “You’re okay.”
“Stop it.” Laughing, I pushed her hand away and tried to fix my hair.
She grinned and sat back, picking up her coffee cup again. “Have you talked to Maxim yet?”
“No. Is he working tonight?”
“He’s supposed to.”
“Maybe I can catch him before he goes in. I don’t really want to do it in public.”
“Isn’t that the point?”
I frowned. “Yes and no. He’s still Russian. Just because he wants to be open about the relationship doesn’t mean he’d be comfortable with a big scene at work.”
“True. But I still think you should talk to him as soon as possible. He’s been really sad about this.”
My heart squeezed. “He’s talked about it?”
“Not much. But I’m good at reading people. Don’t drag this out. You guys deserve to be happy, and life is short.”
“You’re right. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I suddenly feel like I’ve wasted so much time pretending to be someone else.”
“Does your real self still have the thing about paper napkins?”
I glared at her. “Yes.”
She laughed. “Good. You can’t totally take away my big brother. I kind of like him.”
“Thanks. Hey, can he have tomorrow off? I want to bring him to Gage’s son’s birthday party.”
She smiled back. “That’s a great idea. Absolutely.”
After breakfast, I went to the mall to pick out a gift for Will. I roamed the aisles of the toy store aimlessly, trying to think of what a six-year-old boy would like, but coming up empty. When I noticed a kid who looked about that age standing with his father in the Lego section, I decided to ask for advice.
“Excuse me. I have to buy a present for someone who’s turning six. Can you maybe point me in the right direction?”
“Oh, I bet Mason can. He’s six, too.” The guy ruffled his son’s hair. “Which one do you like best, Mase?”
“This one.” He pointed to a box with a big Lego helicopter on it.
“We did like that one,” his father agreed, pushing his glasses up his nose.
“Perfect. Sold.” I took the box off the shelf and tucked it under my arm.
“There you are.” Another man holding a shopping bag and the hand of a little girl maybe two or three years old walked toward us. “We thought we lost you. We’re all set.”
“Mason wanted to look at the Legos,” explained the man in the glasses.
“Dad, can I get one please?” the kid asked the guy holding the hand of the girl.
“No,” the men answered together.
“Let’s go.” The guy with the glasses smiled at me. “Have a good one.”
I nodded and watched in awe as the perfect little family walked away from me.
Ellen would have called it fate. Maxim might have called it a sign from the universe. A month ago, I’d have rolled my eyes and called it a coincidence. Today, I saw it as something more—proof.
With love, anything was possible.
Thirty-Seven
MAXIM
I spent the entire week after rejecting Derek’s offer to talk outside at The Blind Pig wondering if I’d made the wrong decision. But every time I thought it through, I came to the same conclusion—I couldn’t give in just because I missed him or because he looked as miserable as I felt or because it would feel so good to be in his arms again. I might not have had much in the way of material wealth, but I had pride.
So when he called me the following Saturday afternoon, I almost didn’t pick up. But something in my gut told me to answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me. How are you?”
“Good. You?”
“Good. Hey, I’ve got something to show you. C
an I give you a ride to work?”
I stiffened. “I don’t know.”
“Please, Maxim. Give me one hour, as a favor. That’s all I need.”
The thought of saying no to a favor for Derek was unthinkable. He’d done way more than one favor for me. Maybe he needed help with something. “But I have to be at work by five-thirty.”
“No problem. I’ll pick you up at three, okay?”
“Okay. See you then.”
I was nervous, waiting for Derek to arrive. I’d gone down to the parking lot so he wouldn’t have to get out of his car and come get me, and I was sort of pacing back and forth on the sidewalk when he pulled up. At the sight of him behind the wheel, my stomach muscles clenched. I got in the passenger side and shut the door, my heart beating erratically.
“Hey,” he said, smiling sideways at me. A little apprehensive, maybe, but much more relaxed than he’d been the last few times I’d seen him.
“Hey,” I echoed warily.
“You look a little scared.” He wore sunglasses, so I couldn’t read his eyes, but his tone was light, teasing.
“Not scared. Just curious, I guess. Wondering what this is about.”
“Let me show you.” He pulled away from my complex. “It’s a short drive. Twenty minutes or so.”
I tried to think of where he might be taking me, but I couldn’t.
“So tell me what’s going on with you.”
I miss you every day. “I’ve been working a lot.”
“Ellen told me. That’s great.”
I’m lonely at night. “I bought a used laptop, and I’m taking an English course online. Mechanics and grammar, things like that.”
“Good for you.”
Nothing feels good without you. “And I met someone who works at Paramount as a screen writer.”
“Really? Where?”
“He’s a regular at the bar. Ellen introduced me. And he offered to let me shadow him at work a little bit, to get a feel for the job. I won’t get paid, of course, it would be more as a favor, but I don’t mind. Everyone has to start somewhere.”
“Of course they do. That’s fantastic, Maxim. I’m so happy for you.”
“I wanted to tell you about it right away,” I admitted. “But I wasn’t sure I should call you.”
“I understand.” He didn’t say anything else, and I wondered again where he could possibly be taking me.
A few minutes later, I recognized the neighborhood we were in, and I sat up taller in my seat. “The house.”
He grinned. “The house.”
“You bought it?”
“Not yet. I thought I should see it first. And I wanted you with me.”
My pulse galloped away from me, taking my thoughts with it. What did this mean? Had he changed his mind about us?
He parked in the house’s driveway, behind a small white Toyota. “That’s probably the agent’s car. She must be inside already. Before we go in…” He shifted in his seat to face me, removing his sunglasses and laying them in his lap. Then he reached over and took my hand. “I need to apologize. You were right. If we’re going to be together, it should be out in the open. I’m so tired of feeling ashamed of myself. I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel this way anymore. It’s not worth it.”
I couldn’t find words, so I squeezed his hand.
“And I hurt you,” he went on. “I made you feel like you weren’t enough, and that isn’t true. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, never trusted anyone so deeply. I’ve never wanted to change my life so drastically to be with someone, but I know it’s the right decision.” He took a breath. “Because you make me happy. You make me believe. You make me better. And none of my dreams matter if I can’t share them with you.” He pressed his lips to my fingers. “Say it’s not too late.”
“It’s not too late,” I managed, but my throat was so tight.
“Say you still want to be with me, even though I’m a grumpy old man who can’t see the truth right in front of his face.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I do.” I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, and he took my head in his hands, deepening the kiss. It was the kind of thing he’d never have done in broad daylight before, even in his car. It filled me with hope.
He rested his forehead against mine, eyes closed, his thumbs brushing over my cheeks. “I was scared I’d lost you.”
“Never. I’ve missed you so much.”
“I missed you too. And we have some time to make up for.” His meaning was unmistakable.
“We do,” I agreed. “But maybe not right here. I don’t want to be that open.”
He grinned and let me go, slipping his sunglasses back on. “Me neither. Come look at this house with me. If the inside is what I’m hoping for, I’m going to buy it. From now on, I’m going to do more things that make me happy, and I won’t care what anyone says.”
We got out of the car and walked toward the porch. “I’m so glad you brought me here. And I’m proud of you.”
His smile lit me up inside. “I’m proud of you, too.”
When we were done at the house—it was exactly what Derek wanted, and he was going to put together an offer—he came into work with me. Ellen saw us walk in together, and watched us approach the bar with her eyebrows raised.
“Does this mean what I think it means?” she asked. “Detente?”
“Detente,” Derek confirmed, sliding onto a chair.
“Can I stop pretending I don’t know now?” She jumped up and down like a puppy.
He groaned. “You can stop. But don’t—”
She squealed and came running around the bar to throw her arms around me.
“—make a big deal about it,” Derek managed to finish before Ellen let go of me and strangle-hugged him so hard he choked. “Ellen. I can’t breathe. Let go.”
“Sorry,” she said. “I’m just really, really emotional about this. It’s so right.” She grabbed both our hands and seemed to peer into the air around us. “Your auras are in perfect harmony.”
I laughed as Derek rolled his eyes at his sister. “Oh, Jesus. Can I get a beer, please?”
“You got it.” She beamed at the two of us. “Maxim, you want the night off?”
“Thank you, but no,” I said. “I need all the shifts I can get.”
“So responsible.” She shook her head admiringly. “Okay, go get me some ice, please? I’ll grab Derek’s beer.” Practically skipping back around the bar, she teased over her shoulder, “Told you it was fate!”
Later, when Derek had eaten dinner and was ready to go, he caught my eye and motioned me over to where he stood by the door.
“Can I see you later?” he asked quietly.
My heart jumped. “I was hoping you’d ask.”
He took my hand and pressed a key into my palm, then closed my fingers around it. “This is yours. Wake me up.” Then he kissed me quickly on the lips, and walked out.
I tucked the key in my pocket and went back behind the bar, heat flushing my cheeks. A sink full of dirty glasses waited to be washed, but I stood there staring into space. He kissed me. In public.
“I saw that.” Next to me, Ellen giggled. “I totally saw that, and so did a lot of people in here.”
“It’s kind of crazy, the change of heart,” I said, smiling in disbelief. “It’s like day and night or something.”
She lifted her shoulders. “He knew what he wanted all along. He just needed a little push.”
“Well, you gave it to him.”
She shook her head. “Nope. You did. He saw the way you stood up for yourself and realized he could learn something from you.”
“You think so?” I loved that idea.
“Believe me.” Her grin was smug. “Sisters know everything.”
I used the key to let myself into Derek’s house, a familiar rush moving through me as I climbed the stairs. After a quick shower in the guest room bath, I entered his room, my cock already rising in anticipation. It had only
been a couple weeks, but it felt like forever.
I crawled under the covers and he reached for me, moaning deep and low as our bodies and mouths came together. Pressed skin to skin, we kissed and touched and murmured about all the places on each other’s bodies we’d missed. We explored those places with hands and lips and tongues. We panted and groaned and fought off release until neither of us could stand it any longer.
“I want you inside me again. I need it.” His voice was low and intense. “But I want to be on top this time.”
A few minutes later he was lowering himself slowly onto my cock, the muscles in his abs flexed tight, his thighs clenching under my palms. I sat with my back propped against the headboard, watching in aroused disbelief as he took me deeper and deeper, until my entire shaft was buried within him.
His eyes were locked on mine as he struggled past the pain, his hands gripping my shoulders.
“Breathe,” I whispered.
After a few tense moments, he began to move, rocking his hips over mine, slowly at first, in sensual rippling motions that made my jaw drop. “You’re so beautiful,” I whispered.
He leaned back a little, changing the angle, moving faster, and then it was me who had to breathe deep, because the sight of him fucking me so expertly, using my body for his own pleasure, was enough to push me right over the edge. I fought back, trying to sustain this state of pure ecstasy, but his hands traveled down over my chest, and his fingertips brushed my nipples, and his body was so hard and male and muscular, from the thick flesh of his thighs to the ridges of his stomach to the bulge of his shoulders, and his cock was bouncing between us and I grasped it tight so he could fuck my hand too, and it was all too much, too hot, too hard, too tight, too impossible to hold on. A second later he was groaning and gasping and coming all over my hand and my chest and I let everything go, bursting wide open inside him in wild, uncontrollable spasms.
He shifted forward, kissing and kissing and kissing me like he’d never stop. “I love you,” he said against my lips. “I’m so fucking in love with you. This is so much more than I ever knew I wanted. But God, I want it. I want everything. And I want to give you everything.”
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