I whispered to Bell, “Has she been asleep for long?”
Without getting up or moving, my grandmother muttered, “Just resting my eyes.”
“So, you weren’t having a little nap there?”
“Tea,” she said, her eyes fluttering open. She wiggled the tip of her nose and sniffed, sounding congested. The skin around her nostrils and upper lip was red and chafed from her cold, and as she sat up, the creases returned around her mouth.
“You sure you don’t want to get home and to bed?”
“Brew us a cup of tea and tell me about your day. Everyone who has a day at work should have someone to tell about it.”
I couldn’t argue with that, so I put on the kettle, and we made some tea. She’d tidied all the dishes after dinner, and the kitchen looked cleaner than it had been in days.
Bell insisted on having some tea as well, though hers was mostly milk and sugar, served in her tiny cup.
I made her change into her pajamas, and we set her up on the couch with all her blankets. I didn’t want to start a bad habit, but I had a feeling she’d be asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
She fought sleep valiantly, her eyes wide open and staring at the tiny television set. We didn’t have a cable package, but there were four or five local channels, and Bell enjoyed watching each for five minutes and then changing channels.
My grandmother and I sat at the table, and I was struck by how normal everything felt in that moment. We were just family, discussing our day, like people do.
The conversation shifted away from how things were at her son’s bar, to areas I was less comfortable talking about.
Quietly, she asked, “Do you think she believes you?”
We both turned to look at Bell. The kid had a remarkable ability for knowing when she was being spoken about, but this time the television provided cover.
My grandmother restated her question. “Does she remember your mother?”
“She calls her Pretend Mother, and she asks about her sometimes.”
“What if she comes back? Someone knocked on the door at the house the other day, when I wasn’t expecting anyone.”
My pulse surged in my throat, my skin tingling. “Oh my god.”
She waved her hand. “No, no, it was just someone wanting to clean the carpets.”
We both took a deep breath at the same time.
Bell had been so young when we ran away. The first time I told her I was her mother, she was more interested in the dogs at the park than in what I was saying. I kept repeating it to her, though, because I trusted that repetition would make it true.
Bell agreed, finally, that I was her mother. When asked by strangers how old she was, she would say, “I’m five, and Aubrey is my mommy.”
Strangers thought it was adorable she called me by my first name. I finally got her to call me Mom around people, but only about half the time.
One day, I would tell her everything about our past, but that day was years away. Would she hate me? My grandmother thought I did the right thing, and only chided me about not coming to them sooner. Of course I would have, if I hadn’t been lied to my whole life, and knew they wanted us. My grandmother and I were united by our anger for the woman between us.
We sat there drinking our tea, not having to say what we were feeling for the other to know.
“I forgive her,” my grandmother said, everything about her softening in that moment, from her salt-and-pepper hair to the lines around her mouth.
I tilted my head from side to side, my back suddenly sore. She wanted me to say I forgave my mother. Looking into her gray-blue eyes, I found a wealth of love, but I didn’t feel as generous.
I reached out and placed my hand on hers. “She doesn’t deserve it.” The words sounded more cruel out loud than they had in my head.
“You’re young, and you hang on to your pain. When you get old like me, and your body doesn’t work like it used to, you decide you have enough pain, and you let those old wounds go. You don’t want to become a sinking boat, throwing stuff over the side just so you can stay afloat.”
“She took my childhood. I had to take care of her, you know? When it was just the two of us, I’d have to beg her to buy groceries. I can’t remember a time I felt safe and content.”
Those gray-blue eyes didn’t stray from my face. “Do you feel safe and content now?” She turned over her hand beneath mine, squeezed my fingers, and offered a smile.
“I’m scared. I’m scared all the time, and I don’t know how to be normal.”
“Open your eyes and look around. Do what other people do. It’s not so hard.”
I looked down at my tea in the stained cup. Do what other people do. I really appreciated the fact she hadn’t tried to argue with me, to insist there was no such thing as normal. Of course there’s such a thing, or we wouldn’t have a word for it.
Plenty of people know damn well they’re normal; it’s only the most messed-up people who insist there’s no such thing. They figure if they can’t be normal, nobody can.
***
I woke up Sunday morning with a song in my heart—a song I hummed as I brushed my teeth and got Bell ready for her big day with Taylor’s family. This made Bell suspicious, and she kept asking why I wasn’t going to the zoo.
Her hair had thickened recently, and when I swept the golden waves back into a braid, even the wispy bits from the front locked into the plait.
“When did you get so big?” I searched through her closet for something dark enough to wear around the animals. I’d learned how to get stains out of her clothes by scrubbing the fibers with a nail brush, but it weakened the fabric, so it was better to send her outside in darker colors.
“You’re the big one,” she said. “Mommy. Mommy-Aubrey. Mombrey.” She squealed with laughter.
“Is that my new name?”
“Yup.” She pointed to her pale pink dress, the prettiest thing she had. “This one, Mombrey.”
“How about jeans, Princess Belly Button? There’s a giraffe at the zoo, and I hear they eat girls in pink dresses.”
“But I want to wear my pretty dress. I’m going to see the other Mommy.”
I froze, my back to her as I stared at her little clothes, all organized on hangers.
My throat tight, I asked, “What other Mommy?”
She laughed and climbed up onto the bed to look out the window, ignoring me.
I pulled some jeans from the closet and took a seat on the edge of the bed. “Bell, I asked you a question. What other Mommy?”
She turned and looked at me with eyes more mature and worldly than the day before.
“Taylor’s,” she said.
The other Mommy was Taylor’s mother.
I started breathing normally again, aware of my muscles gradually loosening. My eyes stung, and the song that had been in my heart was long gone. I couldn’t cry in front of her, though, so I pulled my fear back into myself and held it in a fist.
We finished getting her ready, finding a compromise in the form of purple leggings under a long shirt, with a belt over top so it looked like a mini-dress.
I sent her off with a minimum of fuss, and then faced another wardrobe dilemma.
Sawyer hadn’t sent me another text message since the one late the night before, inviting me to come over to his house in the morning. He was probably still sleeping, and I smiled to myself at the thought of waking him up and seeing him groggy, with morning bedhead.
What outfit would he be most excited to see me in?
Not my tired, old jeans that have been washed a zillion times. The weather was sunny, so I put on a jersey-knit dress, leggings, and a belt. I looked at myself in the full-length mirror that had come with the apartment, attached to the back of my bedroom door. Oh, fuck. I looked exactly like Bell, like a second-grader. I pulled off the leggings and tried to see my bare legs through Sawyer’s eyes. Would he like to see a little skin? Didn’t all guys?
As I turned from side to side, admiring
my freshly-shaved legs, I pulled up the hem of the dress and imagined Sawyer putting his hot hands on my legs. Yanking down my panties. Taking me. Making me his, forever or for now, I didn’t care. I just wanted to wrap myself around him.
I couldn’t wait another minute, so I grabbed my purse and ran out the door.
***
When I got to his house, I stopped to stare for a moment. The dilapidated old building looked downright cheerful in the bright summer sunshine, even with weeds sprouting up from the eaves.
The porch was empty, save for the tattered sofa and coffee tins full of murky water and cigarette butts. I knocked on the front door, but judging by the bass thrumming on the other side, nobody heard me. I twisted the handle and found it unlocked.
As I stepped over the threshold, I called out, “Hello?”
Over the stereo, a girl’s voice met mine with an echoing, “Hello?”
Chapter Twenty-Three
I followed the scent of bacon and coffee into the kitchen, where I found a dark-haired girl, wearing an oversized man’s T-shirt and nothing else, fixing breakfast.
“Sorry. I knocked, but nobody came. Are you one of Sawyer’s roommates?”
He’d not mentioned a female roommate, but I’d seen the guy he lived with, and couldn’t imagine a girl wanted to spend the night with that guy, even though here she was right in front of me.
She stood there with her nipples sticking out of her shirt and said, “Uh, not really.”
“Then who are you?” I demanded.
She seemed embarrassed, and scared. My whole body felt like it was both frozen stiff and trembling at the same time.
“I’m a friend of the guys,” she said. “Do you want to stay for breakfast? I can set another plate.”
I looked down at the big knife sitting on the kitchen island between us. She’d been slicing oranges, and the tang of citrus was still in the air.
“Let me check with Sawyer first,” I said, my voice rising in pitch. “Is he upstairs? Where might I find him?”
She looked at me sideways, her eyes bugging out. “Up the stairs, first door on the right.”
“Is he still asleep?”
Not taking her eyes off me, she picked up the big knife and put it in the sink with some other dishes.
Carefully, she said, “I don’t know.”
I turned around, having to command my legs to move. One foot in front of the other. Keep going. You need to do this.
Up the stairs I climbed, my pulse pounding in my throat.
Had Sawyer fucked that girl from the kitchen? Someone had, by the guilty look on her face.
If it was him, that was fine. Fine. Better to know sooner than later, better to be heartbroken now than made a fool of.
When I hit the top step, I heard a girl giggle, and it wasn’t the girl from downstairs. I collapsed, my legs buckling underneath me. My breath was audible, so I knew I was still alive, but just barely.
Something picked me up—some force. Rage, maybe. I stood at the first door at the top of the stairs and reached for the handle. The door wouldn’t open. The knob twisted, but it seemed to be blocked by something.
I knocked on the door. “Sawyer?”
The stereo was still going downstairs, and I couldn’t hear anything over the music.
I banged on the door harder. “It’s Aubrey. Open this door before I fucking kick it down.”
A second later, it swung open, and a surprised-looking Sawyer stood blinking at me. He wore nothing but a pair of boxers with dots on them, and his hair was messy. I could see the bed behind him, and nobody else was in it.
He said, “What are you doing here?”
I pushed past him into the room. “Where is she? I heard a girl in here.” The bi-fold closet doors were open, showing only clothes and a few cardboard boxes. I turned around and looked at the rumpled duvet on the bed. It seemed lumpy, so I whipped it back, expecting to find a girl hiding in there. No girl.
Sawyer stood there in a daze. Did he not remember sending me those messages last night? Apparently not.
I yelled, “Where is she?!”
“Aubrey, calm down. As you can see, there’s no girl in this room.”
“Who the fuck is downstairs? Who’s that?”
“I don’t know. There’s someone downstairs?”
I heard the laugh again, on the other side of the wall, and then a door opened and closed. Beyond the doorway to Sawyer’s bedroom, a girl ran past, toward the stairs. She was a blonde, and not wearing much more than the other girl I’d seen downstairs.
Slowly and carefully, I said, “Who all lives here? Just you and one other guy?”
“Yeah.” He looked cagey, and he kept turning to face me, as if he didn’t want me to see his back.
“What’s on your back?”
“Huh?”
I stepped forward and slapped him on the chest with both hands. “Don’t play stupid. Do you have scratches on your back from some fucking slut? A girl just ran down the stairs, and there’s another girl in the kitchen, so you just try and tell me how stupid you think I am.”
He held his hands out, the hint of a weird smile on his face. “Aubrey, I don’t know what to say. Obviously you’re going to believe what you want to believe.”
“Right. I see how this goes. I’m the crazy one. I’m paranoid. You have to break up with me because obviously I’m the ONE WITH ISSUES!”
He moved his head, and his expression changed, looking more confused, but still he didn’t say anything.
I wanted to hit him so bad, but I just shoved him out of my way as I went for the door. “Fuck your stupid, arty tattoos and fuck you.”
Down the stairs I went, and right out the door. I wasn’t getting away fast enough, so I started to jog.
I heard my name. Sawyer was coming after me.
I started to run, tears streaming down my cheeks as I gasped for breath.
My sandals kept tripping me up, slowing me down. I hit the end of the block and turned left, onto the pavement.
A car screeched to a halt, inches from my legs.
Sobbing and hysterical, I kept running, even as the driver got out and called after me, asking if I needed help.
I got to the end of the next block, and I kept running, feeling like I might collapse from pain. My legs were weak and starting to buckle again, just like they had back at the house. I leaned forward to catch my breath, and the ground rushed up at me.
Tattooed arms caught me. Sawyer, still bare-chested, wearing jeans but no shoes, pulled me into him.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I screamed and swore at him, beating his chest and slapping his face. How dare he make me hope, make me happy for a moment, only to take everything away. He was just like all the rest. Using me.
His mouth was on my mouth, kissing me to silence, his hands behind my head.
I reached my arms around his shoulders and felt myself being picked up, being cradled in his arms.
“Stop running,” he murmured.
I could barely breathe, choking on my grief.
“You’re the only girl I want. Even though you burst into my room and beat me up. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the answers you wanted, but you looked like you were going to murder someone and I thought it might be me.”
He was walking with me in his arms, and we came to a tall, stone fence. He stopped there, propping me up on the edge of the fence, the stone cool and solid under my butt. I couldn’t let go of Sawyer, or at least my arms wouldn’t.
“Hush now, it’s okay,” he murmured.
“I thought you fucked that girl.”
“I didn’t.”
I whispered, “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”
His hands were moving now, free to run up and down my back now that I was seated on the stone fence. His touch felt grounding and good.
He kissed my neck, which felt even better than his hands. I moaned, my tears stopping, and leaned my head back. There was a tree over my head, so green and
peaceful. We weren’t on a main street, but in an alley, between garages and back yards of houses.
He kept kissing me, his mouth like fire on my skin.
“Who were those girls?” I asked.
He pulled back and grinned at me. “I can’t blame you for not believing me. If I hadn’t seen it last night with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it either, but my roommate… he was making out with both of those girls last night. They were joking around about having a threesome, and then they all went into his room, and by the sound of it, they really did.”
“The skinny guy?”
Sawyer stared down into my eyes, as if he was admiring something he loved. “Yeah. Strange but true. I’d never dream of making up that big of a lie, but it’s the truth.”
He moved in and kissed me some more.
I pushed him back just enough so I could move my one leg, so that I wasn’t sitting side-saddle on the fence, but had my legs parted with him between them.
He moved back in, pushing the hem of my skirt up with his hands on the tops of my thighs.
“You’re wearing a dress,” he said. “Just like a girl.”
His touch and words made me shiver, even though I wasn’t cold.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said.
I stared up into his bottom-of-the-sea green eyes and felt myself being swept away.
“Sawyer, I believe you, and not just because I want to, but because… because you’re Sawyer. You’re so cute, and so good to me, and patient, and oh-my-god you look so good with your shirt off. And the way you’re looking at me right now, you’re killing me. Look at me, I can barely breathe. I feel like my lungs and my heart are going to crush themselves with excitement, so would you stop looking at me like that and just kiss me again before I die.”
“Only if you take off your panties.”
I gasped. We were in a quiet residential alley, but we were still outdoors. Plenty of windows in houses were all around.
He licked his lips. “Fine. I’ll take them off.”
He reached up under my dress and shifted me from one side to the other as he pulled down my cotton underwear. He tucked my panties in his back pocket, and then he moved in again to kiss me. I leaned back and nearly fell off the stone fence, but he caught me with one arm behind my back. His other arm moved in between my legs.
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