I sigh. “He’s mad.”
Rolling to a sitting position, Ryan slips my hair over my shoulder and, scooting in behind me, begins to massage my back.
His fingers are firm but gentle, and I moan as my head tips forward.
“Baby, relax. You can’t always make him happy.”
“Yes, but I should.”
Digging his thumb into the base of my neck, I feel him shake his head. “Why?”
“Because I’m his mom, it’s my… ohh…” I can’t stop the delicious groan that slips out when he finds the tender spot. “…job.”
“Yeah, but that’s ridiculous. No one can make everyone happy all the time. That’s not life, Lili.”
Tucking my feet beneath my butt, I twist around, gripping his hand. “You make me happy.”
Framing my face, he kisses the tip of my nose. “I’m glad, but it might not always be the case. I’m just saying don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself.” He nods, waiting for me to nod back.
Blowing out a breath, I do. “You’re really annoying when you’re right, you know that?”
“That’s what Alex tells me.” He cocks his head and I pat the thick strand of dark hair that’d slid into his eye back into place. “But that’s not all that’s bothering you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Lili, don’t lie to me. You’ve been quiet today, chewing on your thumbnail. I know that means you’re worried about something. What’s going on?”
For so long these burdens have been my own. I’m learning to share them, but it isn’t easy.
“My mom is dying, Ryan. You saw her last week. Today. It’s happening so fast. Yesterday she looked at me and it was like for a second she couldn’t even remember who I was.”
I swipe at the tears trying to leak out the corners of my eyes.
His thumb grabs the ones I missed, and his look is so understanding. “I’m sorry.”
Hand waving, I take a stutter-breath. “It’s… yeah, just…”
Turning my hand over in his, he kisses each fingertip before finally saying, “It’s awful, but it’s a sad part of life. She doesn’t want you to think about it—she loves you.”
“Yeah, but I feel guilty. I’m here with you, and I love it, but…”
“Stop.” Shaking his head, a serious look on his face, he clenches his jaw. “Don’t you dare do this to yourself. You’re not going anywhere and neither am I. We’ll deal with this. But don’t you think I’m going to just let you walk away. Besides…” He grins. “She loves me too. So there’s no cutting me out of your life now, baby. You’re stuck with me.”
Ryan can always cut through my crap, can always help me see the positive in the ugly. Truth is, it’s getting hard to remember my life before him and I’m terrified of ever going back to it. I need Ryan the same way I need to breathe. He’s my air and the reason why I get out of bed wearing a smile in the middle of the hell my life is becoming.
“I hate you.”
“We both know that’s not true, but whatever makes you smile, angel.” Smirking, he kisses my lips and I lean into him. The contact is brief, but it tightens things and makes me shiver with longing.
He’s so right; I don’t think I could ever hate him.
His gaze flicks over my shoulder with a small frown. “I’ll go talk to him, okay?”
Words I haven’t yet spoken lay thick and so heavy on the tip of my tongue. But before I have a chance to say them, he stands and walks away.
***
Ryan
I kneel beside Javier, clamping down on my tongue as my quad stretches, a fiery rush of pain shooting through it. I didn’t lie when I told Lili it hurt. It’s gonna hurt for days. But thinking how maybe I’ll get lucky and figure out some way to get her to kiss it better, I smile.
Plucking a stem of grass from in front of me, I twirl it through my fingers. “What are you doing, Javi?”
The boy blinks.
In the past few months, I’ve learned that he’s actually hearing me. He may not talk, but he understands what’s being asked of him.
“You’re breaking your mom’s heart running off. Don’t you like the picnic?”
His lips purse.
Putting on my thinking cap, I try to remember what used to bother me at his age.
“Are you sad because school starts soon?”
No response.
“Hmm.” I rub my bristled jaw. “Not that. Okay. Did you lose a comic?”
He turns his face aside.
“No? Am I getting close?”
His feet begin to fidget.
“Did it happen at home?”
Puffing out his cheeks, he picks at a loose string on the hem of his Superman shirt.
I’m close.
There was only one thing that ever pissed me off at his age and that was waking up before I was ready.
“Did your mom wake you up too early?”
His breathing flutters.
I smile. “Yup. That’s mean all right. How dare she?”
Javi’s brows drop.
“But you know…” I lean in a little, making sure not to touch him. I already experienced one of his rages and they’re definitely not pretty or something I want to put Lili through in a park full of parents and kids playing around. “If she hadn’t done that, then you wouldn’t have gotten to come hang out with me, or…” Reaching into my pocket, I pull out a five. “…gotten a chance to get an ice cream cone.”
A hint of a smile plays around his rosebud lips.
I slap my knees. “You know what, Javi, you’re an all right little dude, you know that? And I’m gonna share a secret with you.”
It wasn’t my imagination that he leaned in ever so slightly.
“I don’t care that you don’t talk. I think I like you anyway. Sometimes I think we speak louder without words.”
What surprises me most is that I mean every word I said.
Lili’s eyes are huge as we walk back. I can see their shimmer and know she’s fighting the tears. Pretending not to notice, I jerk my jaw toward the ice cream shop across the street.
“Javi, tell your mom why you were angry.”
He hangs his head and I grin.
“No? Fine, I will…” My heart soars when Lili laughs. “It’s because you didn’t get him an ice cream cone, that’s why.”
“Oh, shame on me.” She pats her chest and hops up.
Quickly, we gather up the blanket, stuffing it into the basket. Holding my hand as we cross the street, she leans her lush body into mine as her warm breath fans the shell of my ear.
“You are so damn sexy right now.”
I want this woman, want her under me, want to hear her crying my name softly in my ear. I want her in my life forever and someway, somehow… I’m going to figure out how to do that.
***
Later that night, we’re sitting in the farthest booth to the back of the cramped coffee shop. A mic and amp are the only instruments set up. Anyone who wants to play has to bring their own guitars.
I’d tried to get Liliana to bring hers, but she laughed and kissed my cheek and firmly told me no.
Alex drums his fingers on the table. The blonde beside him is the typical cheerleader type—tanned, toned, and perky as hell.
It’s definitely annoying.
“This music blows,” Alex says drolly, glancing at me.
“Then go play something.” I gesture toward the stage.
Alex isn’t bad. He’s been playing since middle school. He isn’t great, either.
So far everything has either been bluegrass or really shitty “I can’t play to save my life, but I’m here with a girl and she’ll think I’m cool if I try” music. Lili settles back against my chest, and I drop my arm across her shoulder, casually resting my fingers right against the beginning swell of her left breast.
I can’t stop thinking about the day she let me grab them, mold them against my palms. I want this woman so bad that I’m sweating and my palms tingle. We�
��ve only been dating a few months, but the waiting’s killing me and I’m not sure how much longer I can pretend that it’s not bothering me.
She laughs. “It is pretty awful.”
I whisper into her hair. “You should play. You’re amazing, ten times better than anyone here.”
Rolling her eyes, she toys with my fingers.
“You play?” Alex’s blonde asks.
I can’t remember her name. Stacy. Shannon. Stacia? Who knows.
“A little.” Lili shakes her head.
“I call bullshit.” I nip her ear. “She plays amazing.”
“Please.”
“Hey,” Stacyshannonstacia pipes up, straightening her spine and shoving her tits right under Alex’s nose, drawing his eye like one of Pavlov’s dogs. “I have an idea. Why don’t you two play together?”
Alex snorts. “Nah. I think I’m just gonna chill.”
While they’re debating, someone else walks on stage. A short, frizzy-headed guy with glasses adjusts the mic and is obviously sweating if the massive pit stains are any indication. He tunes his guitar and then starts strumming.
I grimace.
Lili pats my knee.
“I’d feel a lot better if you went up there. Dazzled us all. Save my ears from bleeding at the end of the night.”
“Ryan, you give me too much credit. I’m really not that good.”
Mock pouting, I whisper, “Please? For me?”
“Oh jeez.” She laughs.
“Damn, now I know you’ve got it bad.” Alex’s voice rises. “You’re making him beg, Lili Bean. And that ain’t pretty.”
Shannonstacystacia pouts and smacks Alex’s chest, eying Lili with cold brown eyes. Obviously she doesn’t like Alex’s pet name for Lili.
Smirking, I wrap my arm tighter around Lili, giving her a quick hug. “It’s true. This may not be pretty, but I’m willing to sacrifice my dignity for the sake of all our ears.” I nibble the tip of her ear.
Squirming, she pops me and then kisses me.
Biting my lip, letting her see just how much I’m enjoying myself, I stroke her back, just barely dipping below her waist to flutter my fingers along her ass. I love it when she gets rough.
Her mouth parts a little and her words sound breathy as she says, “You’re not getting me up there without at least a little something in me, and since this is a coffee shop…” She shrugs. “Oh well.”
Laughing, Alex claps my back. “Ask and you shall receive.”
Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a travel-size bottle of vodka.
“What the hell, Alex?” Lili does a double take. “Do you always carry around little vials of booze with you?”
“Hey, you never know when you’ll need it.” Leaning back, he draws Blondie into him. She simpers, almost vibrating like a kitten with a bowl of cream.
“Lush.” Lili sticks out her tongue but swipes the bottle up and uncaps it, then looks me square in the eyes with her mossy-green ones. “You really want me to?”
“I really do.”
“Ugh, fine. But you owe me.” Tossing her head back, she swallows the entire bottle and then howls as tears fill her eyes. Fingers shaking, she snatches Alex’s guitar.
She makes to head to the stage, but I hook my finger beneath her navy blue shirt and tug her onto my lap.
“Kiss me.”
Touching her lips to mine, I inhale her coffee and liquor laced breath.
“Delicious,” I say a minute later.
Patting my collar down, she asks, “What should I play? I don’t know that many songs. And don’t say ‘Malagueña.’ I’m still not that good at it.”
I don’t have to think about it long. “‘Silver Springs.’”
I’ve wanted to hear her sing that song again ever since the day she sang it to Javier in the car coming home from the zoo.
Scrunching her nose in the most adorable fashion, she nibbles on the corner of her lip. “Really? That’s not a romantic song. In fact, it’s pretty damn depressing.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that.” I tweak her nose.
Shoving her face so close I have to fight not to cross my eyes, she says, “What do I get for doing this?”
I smile but don’t say anything. That’s such a loaded question and I have zero desire to share just what I want to do to her in front of Blondie and Jock, but it starts with her breasts and ends with a satisfied moan spilling from her lips.
Her perfect apple-bottom ass flexes as she strides confidently toward the stage.
“She really that good?” Shannonstacystacia pops her gum.
Wetting my lips, still tasting her essence on me, I roll my gaze toward her. “Yeah.”
“Ten bucks says she’s not as good as my Alex.” She twirls her finger around his nipple.
Yelping, Alex flicks her hand off. “You got money to pay that bet if you lose?”
Batting her lashes, she swats his shoulder.
How the hell can he stand that? I curl my lip.
“No, but you do. And besides, we won’t lose.” She rubs her nose with his.
Getting ready to hurl, I look back at my girl.
Maybe I’ll take her out to get a soda with that ten later.
Chapter Fifteen
Liliana
The booze is definitely helping. At least my hands are steady as I take my seat and begin tuning Alex’s guitar.
I can’t look up.
Why is Ryan so insistent I play?
And “Silver Springs,” of all songs. Has he ever even listened to the words? Does he know the song’s about a lover scorned?
Which means I can’t sing it at him—I’m a little superstitious that way.
So as I tune, I let my mind wander to the one man I’ve loved whose leaving has crippled me—my dad.
This song isn’t really designed for just the guitar, but somehow I find my way. And as I pluck the first chord I sing to him. But as the words come, so do the memories.
I remember sitting on his knee when I was five. Him telling me that Mom and I were his whole world. How he used to smell like cigars and cologne.
How I thought I had the perfect family and how sure I was things would never change.
Until the day the doctor had told me Javi was coming, the day the light inside my dad died and went blank. It was the day he gave up on me. The day he decided Mom and I weren’t worth it after all.
He’d hidden himself in the garage every day and played and drank until the sun set, an endless cycle set to repeat over and over.
I hope I still haunt him.
I hope wherever he is now, whoever he’s with, that whenever he closes his eyes he sees us. Sees what he chose to walk away from. Sees Javi’s sweet little face, that it kills him inside.
I pour it all out. Pretend he’s sitting right in front of me, pretend each and every word actually means something to him. That he hears and he cries. That for the first time in his miserable life he regrets ever walking out on us.
By the end I’m trembling and the entire coffee shop is silent. The last strain of music hangs like an echo between us.
When I stand, the crowd applauds.
Ryan’s wearing a small smile, but I swear maybe there’re tears in his eyes.
Feeling like an exposed nerve, I march back to the table and plop down in my seat, thrusting the guitar back at Alex.
“Here.”
Ryan rubs my shoulder. “Beautiful, angel.”
“Ah, fuck.” Alex snarls and, reaching into his back pocket, pulls out a ten, slipping it into Ryan’s hand, which is shaking from laughter.
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Nothing, angel.” Ryan kisses the crown of my head. “Nothing at all.”
Chapter Sixteen
Ryan
Moans.
And skin.
And sweat.
I wake up with a roar, drenched and burning up; I shove the blankets off my legs. My room is dark; the clock reads ten past two in the morning.
&
nbsp; Liliana frowns and sits up, rubbing her eyes.
It was late when we’d finally left the coffee shop. She’d had a shot of booze, and I didn’t want her to drive home just in case. Calling her mom, I told her she’d be coming home with me.
At some point we passed out on the couch again. I woke up with an ache in my lower back and moved us over to my bed, little knowing what awaited me only an hour later. I’d felt so calm, peaceful, and invincible.
But now… My heart beats so hard I know it’s going to crack a rib and my mouth tastes like I’ve gargled salt water.
“Baby?” Lili grabs my naked shoulder, rubbing softly.
Her cool touch burns through my hot skin.
“It’s nothing.” I yank on my hair, clenching my jaw and forcing the panic out of my voice. “Just a bad dream. Go back to bed.”
She kisses my back. “You sure?”
My stomach churns, burns.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. Gotta go to the bathroom. Just go to sleep.” I kiss her brow.
Her smile is soft and so damn innocent. Trusting. She lies back down and rolls over, sleeping softly once again as I run to the bathroom.
Locking the door, I barely make it to the toilet before everything’s coming up.
I haven’t had the dreams in months. Not since we started dating.
My gut aches as its contents forcefully spew out of my mouth.
Gripping the rim of the toilet, panting long after there’s nothing left to purge, I sit back and rock, clamping down onto my knuckle with my teeth.
If she wasn’t here I’d scream.
Punch something.
Break things.
Fuck!
Moaning, I strip off my clothes and turn on the shower to the highest heat possible then get in, needing to wash the dream off.
I’m never going to get it out of my head.
Never going to not remember the night my life became a living hell.
I slam my wrist against the stall, wishing I could do so much more. Wishing I had a knife to just cut myself with. Wishing I could make some of this hate escape. But I have nothing.
So I sit and I rock and pray for the sun to hurry up because I can’t go back to sleep. Not with him waiting for me.
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