I sense it in my soul—he’s different and I don’t know what’s falling from my lips because it’s an awful, ugly sound full of pain and regret and apology.
I’m kissing him, can’t stop touching him, worried this is just a mirage or that somehow I’ve fallen asleep and am really in my bed and when I wake up he’ll be gone all over again.
He lets me kiss him, lets me hold him, but he doesn’t touch me back other than the hug, and when it dawns on me that I’m the only one doing the touching, I snap out of his arms.
Gasping for air, I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Of course you wouldn’t…”
“Lili.” He clenches his eyes shut for a second. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something you demanded to know before.”
Covering my mouth with my hands, I don’t know what to do or say. “You don’t have to, Ryan. If you’re not ready, you don’t have to. I just… I…” Love you.
Why is it so hard to tell him? After all the times I’ve done it before? He shakes his head, burrowing his fingers through his hair.
“Stop, please. If you keep talking, I’ll lose my nerve.”
I clamp my lips shut but can’t stop the runaway train that is my heart.
Taking a deep breath, he leans against the hood of the car. I want to hug him again. He looks so scared, like a lost child, but I know if I do, he’ll clam up. And as selfish as it is, as awful as it makes me, I have to know the truth.
He doesn’t look at me as he speaks in a hushed tone. “Sixteen years ago today, my parents dropped me off at my Aunt Jane and Uncle John’s house.”
I can taste the adrenaline on my tongue, and looking down at my feet, it dawns on me I’d never thought to put on shoes. I’m barefoot and standing in sleet, but there’s no way in hell I’ll move.
His eyes are distant, staring into the past, reliving the experience, and I’m helpless to do anything for him.
“Uncle John was a big guy and I always liked him. He was my little league coach growing up. Alex and I,” he says, smiling. “We hated each other back then. Always competing to see who’d be the best. Uncle John always pulled me aside and told me I was secretly his favorite. Back then I used to think it was because he knew how distant my dad was, but now I know why.”
Swallowing hard, he blinks. “He used to tell me things, things that made me uncomfortable, but he was my uncle and I was young. I just thought all uncles said shit like that.”
He grows silent.
“Like what?” I whisper.
His voice is monotone as he says, “Like I was prettier than any girl he’d ever seen. That I had a nice body.”
I cringe, covering my mouth. Sick to my stomach, hating his uncle so much in that moment, wanting to go find him and hurt him. Beat him for daring to do what he’d done.
Sighing, Ryan’s smile is tight. “But he never did anything, not until that night, anyway. Aunt Jane was out of town; her sister had just died in a car accident the week before. He’d offered to watch me for Valentine’s Day, said he had nothing better to do. Mom and Dad, they jumped at the chance to unload me.”
“Wasn’t until I got there that I realized Alex wasn’t home either. He’d sent Alex to his friend’s house for a sleepover. At first it was cool. He’d rented some movies and said he’d ordered a pizza. I was fine, it was my uncle. I mean, whatever, right?” He chuckles.
I touch his hand, but I don’t think he even notices. Ryan is completely lost in his head.
“The movies, they were graphic. Not porn, but close enough. My parents had never let me see movies like that. I remembered just staring at them, wide eyed.” He laughs. “I was already a horny boy—I liked to look at breasts and wonder what they looked like underneath the shirts. That night I got to see it all. I failed to notice how turned on my uncle was becoming, he was drinking a lot too. Chugging one beer after another like it was water. I’m pretty sure he went through a twelve-pack, easy. After a while I noticed he kept grabbing himself. I’d hear him groan every once in a while. At that point I was getting uncomfortable and pretended like I was tired and ready for bed.”
I want to stop him.
I know enough, can figure out what comes next. But Ryan isn’t telling me this for my benefit anymore. He’s purging, releasing it, and I know it’s my turn to be strong for him. I’d promised to share the burden and I will.
Sniffing, I wipe my sleeve under my nose.
“When I got up, he grabbed me. Touched me. Told me to touch him. I told him no.” His voice shakes. “But he was strong, slipped his hands down my pants and grabbed me.” Dropping his head into his hands, his jaw trembles violently and I see the sheen of tears glistening in his eyes.
“Ryan, you don’t have to…” I blink away the tears.
“I have to, Lili, because it’s killing me. Because I love you and I trust you with this.” Shaking his head, his look is grim. “He grabbed me and he made me fucking hard, Lili.” His voice breaks as he knuckles a tear away.
“I was so goddamned ashamed, but I couldn’t stop it. And when I came, I wanted to die. Then he lit a cigarette and asked me if it was good.”
My soul is breaking; I can’t believe the nightmare he’s lived with for all these years. All the anger, the brutality of his attack on Olivio, it all makes so much sense and I don’t want to hear any more.
It hurts so bad.
“Then he told me it was his turn.”
Tears streak hot down his face. First time I’ve ever seen him cry.
“He made me pull my pants down, threatened to tell my parents if I didn’t. I didn’t know he was full of shit. All I knew was I was scared out of my mind. He touched me over and over, made me watch him do it. But he still wasn’t done with me. Like every nasty fantasy he’d ever had, he played it out on me that night.”
Covering my eyes, I try not to picture it, but it’s impossible. All I can see is a small ten-year-old boy with big blue eyes staring up at his uncle with a shattered look on his face.
“Waving the cigarette under my face he told me to suck it. Told me if I bit him, he’d burn me. I didn’t care, I bit down. And he fucking ground that thing in my face.” He touches the small puckered scar on his cheek. “That was when Alex walked in. Decided not to have the sleepover after all.”
“Oh my God,” I breathe. “Alex saw that?”
He nods. “Saw most of it. Dropped his bag and ran out the door. John ran after him, hitching his pants up and screaming that Alex better get back. I just rolled over and cried. John didn’t return, but Alex did. That was the night he decided to save me.” He lifts his brows, wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Did… he… did he ever hurt Alex?” I squeeze out.
“He says no. Hindsight, I think maybe he didn’t. But maybe he wanted to and that’s why he did what he did to me. I was the consolation prize.”
“And you told your parents?”
He crosses his ankles and I’m shivering violently now.
“Yup. I showed them the burn, but when they tried to get me to go to the doctor, I refused. Told me if I’d really been assaulted I wouldn’t refuse. John was all ready with an answer. Said I was a liar and the burn mark was nothing other than me and Alex dicking around with his pack.”
“And they bought that?” I can’t keep the disbelief from my voice.
“They wanted to believe it, Lili. Not like the hospital could have proved anything anyway. I wasn’t penetrated, they couldn’t prove my story wasn’t just some lie. The only thing he did to leave a physical mark was burn me and that obviously wasn’t proof enough for my parents. The next year when they tried to send me back was the year I went apeshit. Turned their world upside down. I told them if they ever sent me back there I’d kill John and then myself. Started wearing black, beating shit up, making their life a living hell.”
“Did he ever…” I pause, trying to find my words through the revolt in my stomach, “Did he ever do that again to anyone else?”
Ryan shakes
his head. “Don’t think so. He was never alone with anyone again after that. I’m not sure the family really believed me, but I think they were always cautious enough to not allow another scenario like that to happen again.” He shrugs. “Or maybe John was so smashed that night and it was the booze that made him do it. I don’t know.” His voice is hard. “All I know is I never heard of it happening to anyone else, which only makes me look like more of a liar to my parents because perverts don’t stop doing it. That’s what people say anyway.”
His terrible chuckle makes my soul ache.
“So there you go, Lili. That’s me.”
Stepping in front of him, I grab his face. He won’t look at me.
“Ryan. Look at me.” He doesn’t. “Look at me.”
Anger is there, but so is the pain and it’s raw and viscous and all consuming. “I love you.”
He jerks, trying to take his jaw back, but I won’t let go. I have him now, and he isn’t going anywhere.
“Do you hear me? I love you. I do. With everything I have inside me.”
A loud sob tears from his chest as he drags me to him, pulling me tight to his body, hanging on for dear life, and I join him.
“Always, Ryan. Always, forever and ever. I don’t care about that. I don’t. You’re good and decent and kind and so beautiful it breaks my heart.”
“Lili.” He strokes my back. “I thought if you knew… If you realized how dirty I was—”
I place a finger over his lips. “Don’t ever say that. You didn’t choose that, you didn’t ask him to do that to you. None of what happened was your fault. Not one bit of it. He has problems, not you. I want you to come with me. Will you come with me?”
His shoulders are hunched, his head hanging heavy on his chest, but he grabs my hand and holds on.
***
Ryan
She lays me on her bed and my body shakes so hard it’s making my teeth clack. I can’t believe what’s happening, that we’re really here. Picking right up where we left off. Then she’s undressing me, crawling on top of my body and flinging her top off.
The night is so still and quiet, like a cocoon is wrapped around us.
Liquid green eyes stare deep into mine. “Thank you, Ryan. Thank you for being so brave.”
I don’t touch her, still not trusting myself to lay a hand on her. Still wondering if she thinks I’m dirty.
But Lili’s kissing my chest, laving her tongue along my nipple and whispering with each heated press of her lips how much she loves me.
Grabbing my hand, she presses it to her breast. “Touch me, Ryan. Fill me, make me yours, all yours.”
“Why?”
I know I’m being a wuss, but I have to know why she isn’t freaking out, why she isn’t disgusted by me.
Holding on to my face, she rocks on my hips, making a moan spring from my lips.
“You’re not dirty, Ryan. And I’m not an angel, I’m just a woman who’s desperately in love with you and wants you to know that no matter what, I’ll always be here.”
Twisting up, I kiss her. Take her lips between my own and moan into her mouth. Her fingers fist into the waist of my pants.
Sliding my tongue along the seam of her mouth, I seek and receive entry. Our tongues duel, wrapping around each other like we want to swallow one another.
All the weeks of being apart, the constant yo-yo of the past year, it vanishes with each caress, each whisper.
My hands are all over her and hers are all over me. Touching me exactly where she knows I like it, making me arch into her when she grips my hard length.
“Take your pants off and come inside.” She nips at my jaw.
Fumbling around, I manage to kick off my bottoms. “You still have the condoms?” I whisper and she nods as she reaches over to her nightstand, pulling one from the drawer.
Sitting up and leaning back, she tears the wrapper open and stares at me as she gently rolls it on. I’m panting, breathing like I’ve run a marathon. Straddling my hips, she smiles and throws her head back, exposing the long length of her neck as she slides slowly down.
“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper, fondling her breasts.
I grunt as she starts to move and I stop talking.
I follow her lead, matching my rhythm to hers, working in and out, taking what she offers.
I don’t know if she knows it, but Lili’s love, it’s healing me.
I’ll never forget what happened to me—that’s not possible. But I also know I’m no longer alone. Every sigh, every caress, she’s stitching me back up. She’s taking the broken pieces and gluing them all together. I’m not perfect, there are still defects, but I’m standing again and that’s all that matters.
Whipping her long hair over her shoulder, she looks at me, refusing to turn away or close her eyes.
She’s showing me what she sees when she looks at me.
There’s joy, and I know I’m the one that put it there.
Me. Little old broken me.
I’m the one making her face twist up, making her stomach flutter, making her pulse quicken, and I’m the name that falls from her lips as she finally comes.
Exhausted, we lay in a tangled heap. And I’m smiling, really smiling. She grabs my wrists and kisses the scars. Peppering the pink ribbons with so many kisses I lose count, each press of her lips a whisper that it’s okay. It will be okay. That I’m not alone, not anymore.
I love her so much, and maybe I don’t deserve her, but I’m never giving Lili up.
“I love you.” I kiss her forehead and I feel her smile on my chest. “Marry me.”
Gasping, she sits up. “What?”
Shaking my head, I wrap the throw blanket around her shoulders, pulling her back onto my lap.
“I’m done looking. I don’t want anyone else. Marry me.”
She bites her lip. “Really?”
“Lili, I told you everything tonight and by some miracle you’re still here. I’ll never find that again. I know it. I’ll never feel for anyone the way I do for you. I know you’re twenty-two, and maybe you feel too young, but I’ll wait and whenever—”
“Yes!” She kisses me, flinging her arms around my shoulders. “Yes. Yes. Yes.” She peppers my brows, the slope of my busted-up nose, my jaw. “Yes.”
And I laugh. It comes from every dark corner. But the darkness isn’t so dark anymore, because now there’s light. And it’s just a small flame, but it’s there.
“I hoped you’d say that.”
Reaching for my jeans, I pull out the ring that’s never left my side. Even when I was pretending not to care, not to remember her, I never forgot her. I slept with the damn thing.
Pulling out the box, I slowly crack open the lid.
Her fingers shake first, then her shoulders, then her entire body as she reaches for it with a happy little cry. “It’s so beautiful. It’s perfect. You’re perfect. I love you. I love it.”
I slip the ring on her finger and that night when I sleep, I know it is okay. Even if the dreams return, I’ll never be alone again.
Because now I have her and Javi, Mama, Alex, and Ade. My life is whole. I stood and fought just like Alex told me to and in the end, I won.
So in the end, what is a moment? One action? A single deed? Or is it more? Is a moment like a school of silver fish? The sum of many singular parts forming one cohesive unit? I tend to think so. Because the moment I met Ryan, that was just one of the sum parts. But it really started before him. Every tear I shed… every hurt I felt, it led me straight to him. Mama’s diagnosis, getting pregnant at fourteen, my father abandoning us, never choosing to date for seven years, each action kept pushing me closer and closer to Ryan. Life is never going to be smooth sailing, but I’ve learned to roll with the punches. The dreams still come, but a week after confessing everything to me I managed to convince him to see a psychologist, he’s been going ever since and I know he’s getting better. I see it everyday with my own eyes. His doctor assures me I’m doing everything right and
eventually the dreams will fade like any wound does. Ryan and I are getting ready to celebrate our fifth anniversary. Sometimes I can hardly believe it. I love him so much, and I want him to always know that. No matter who he thinks he is, I know who he really is. A beautiful, wonderful man who’s been through hell and back and came out stronger in the end. Would I change anything? No. Because in the end I got everything I could have ever hoped for. Javi grows more brave each day, and he talks! I’m no doctor, but my heart tells me Javier needed a man in his life. When my Dad left us, it’d hurt him deeply and so he’d bottled it up. But now he has his dad and I’ve never seen him happier. His doctors had been right, the words were always in him, he’d just needed a reason to bring them out. Mama is long gone, God rest her soul, but her legacy of love lives on inside me. In fact, I haven’t told Ryan yet, but I found out something amazing today. I’m pregnant. My hand is shaking as I write this. I’m creating a little person inside me, someone I hope looks just like him. Big blue eyes and long curly hair. If it’s a girl, I want to name her after my mother… Augustina Rose Cosgrove. August for short. Fitting, since that’s the month she’ll be born. As I look back on the time I’ve spent with him, loving him, learning him, I’m grateful for the moments. Because in the end, it’s the moments that make life worth living…
Liliana Cosgrove
~*~
Want to know when my next releases come out? Make sure to sign up for my Newsletter!
Acknowledgements:
To my husband, for putting up with my craziness. Honey, I could never do any of this without you. I hope you know that and that you also know, from the bottom of my heart, just how much I adore you. You’re my sanity in this crazy world.
To my amazing girls: Sonya, you’re so awesome and one of my biggest cheerleaders, I’m so glad you’re my CP. Vivienne, I heart you. I’m so glad to know you. Sofia and Grace, girls… you saved my butt. You know you did. Jennifer, you’re an amazing, talented writer and I happen to think you pretty much rock. Regina, your artwork is beyond my imagination. I love it, I really do. To my agent, Jessica Faust, for believing in me.
eyond Desire Collection Page 144