But still… Wouldn’t it be great to be loved? Have somebody she could come home to? Someone she could love and support, who would love and support her back?
“So are you going to resume house-hunting?” Ethan asked.
“Yes,” Alex said with a sigh. “The realtor said she’d send a list.”
“There’s no way I’m moving once I’m pregnant,” Natalie said. “Well, I guess technically I could, but I’d rather be moved in and settled first, you know? This place just isn’t going to work. The entire condo complex was designed for working professionals, not families with young kids.”
“I had no idea you wanted to start one so soon,” Kerri said. This was a different side of Natalie, one she’d never seen before.
“We don’t,” Alex said firmly. “I want her to myself for a while, but we were thinking maybe in a couple of years.” Alex toyed with a loose strand from Natalie’s chignon and she smiled indulgently at him.
Their easy intimacy created a lump in Kerri’s throat, made her heart constrict with longing.
But a relationship asked too much, especially if she wanted something like what Natalie had. She’d have to strip the protective armor from around her heart and gamble in a big way. Not possible. She’d done that and more with her family, but they’d rejected her for eighteen years. Granted her family had some justification, but they were still flesh and blood, supposedly unbreakable ties.
Romance came with none of that. Men like Ethan… She stole a quick glance at him. He’d want someone who could be everything he needed her to be. Go to social functions with him. Be relaxed and fun and cool and sexy and incredibly self-assured with him, his friends and family. Kerri knew she couldn’t meet the requirements, and she suspected that deep inside he knew it as well. That was why he’d proposed a temporary arrangement.
She picked up her glass and took a sip. She’d do well to remember a temporary affair was exactly what she wanted too.
***
Late that night, Ethan slipped out of bed, then stopped on the way to his study and looked in on Kerri. He eased the door open and saw she was on her side, her slim back curved. She’d been unusually quiet and pensive after the dinner, and Ethan hadn’t been able to figure out why. He thought she’d be happy to spend time with her best friend and her husband.
Ethan might never be able to figure Kerri out.
Sighing, he went to his study and sprawled in the leather chair at the desk. He dialed the team he’d hired to track down Jacob for a status update.
“Still nothing?”
“Sorry. Not a bleep,” Pattington said.
Ethan frowned. This wasn’t like Jacob. How much cash had he taken to last this long without using his credit card or accessing an ATM for more money? From what people had said, he hadn’t cleaned out the accounts he held jointly with Catherine. Did he have some secret stash no one knew about?
“But he’s bound to turn up sooner or later,” Pattington said. “We’ll keep an eye out.”
“Okay.” Ethan pulled up the paperwork Kerri had filled out. “By the way, I want you to check on something else.”
“Sure.”
“I have an employee looking into some sensitive stuff. I should’ve done a background check before hiring her, but better late than never, right?”
“Of course,” the man replied diplomatically.
Ethan gave Pattington Kerri’s full name, social security number and other pertinent information. “Be discreet. Email me what you find.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Don’t let anybody know you did this. Send the bill for this job directly to me. Got it?”
“Understood.”
Ethan leaned back in his chair. What would he do if Gavin was right about Kerri’s family?
He knew for a fact that Kerri hadn’t tried to lure him in. He had pursued her, not the other way around.
The notion didn’t fit with her personality, either. She was too efficient to spend over seven years on a project with such an uncertain outcome, especially considering the fact that she could have latched onto him immediately after their first one-night stand.
And if the Sterlings really were trying to infiltrate TLD, it would have made more sense to use a woman who was completely unrelated. Why take the risk of having a blood-tie discovered? Industrial espionage paid well, and there were plenty of women out there who could have been hired for the job for a comparatively small price.
But if Barron really was her grandfather and David Wilson her deceased father…
Ethan shook his head. Ridiculous. Why was he playing “what if” games with bad outcomes? Pointless. She couldn’t possibly be related to the Sterlings. And even if she were, her family didn’t mean a thing compared to what they had. He wouldn’t let it stand in the way of getting what he wanted.
Chapter Seventeen
Since his return from the honeymoon a week earlier, Alex had resumed most of his day-to-day responsibilities. Kerri was busy prepping for the TLD executive meeting, which had been postponed until Friday afternoon. So Ethan took an entire afternoon off to attend to some personal matters.
He put the final touches on the birthday festivities he’d planned for Kerri. Natalie had promised to keep her occupied all afternoon long, and had been true to her word. Ethan was grateful to have her back.
But he actually felt a bit sorry for Kerri. Natalie’s plans included hours and hours of shopping with Alex’s money. Kerri had wanted to work on some spreadsheets and memos, but given what day it was, Ethan had wanted her to spend time looking at something more interesting than Excel.
“If you’re so cavalier about my hours, you aren’t going to be able to turn TLD around. Everyone’s going to have to work their butts off if they want to salvage the situation.”
“Yes, boss.” He’d kissed her disapproving mouth even as he had been pushing her out the door.
A hundred candles lit the penthouse now, their gentle scent perfuming the air. Ethan had prepared everything except the cake. Never much of a baker, he decided against experimenting on this particular occasion. Natalie was supposed to bring Kerri back by six…which, according to the clock, meant that they should be coming any time.
Right on cue, his phone buzzed with a text from Natalie: Getting in the elevator.
He lit the candles on the cake, his heart full and expectant. He didn’t know why Kerri hadn’t bothered to celebrate her birthdays before. Maybe she’d been too busy, or maybe her parents had been negligent, and it’d become sort of a routine to ignore the day. He’d seen how some of his friends’ ultra-busy parents just forgot about their children’s special days. Though they’d tried to make up for their neglect with lavish gifts, it hadn’t been the same. He’d seen how it hurt his friends until eventually they just stopped caring.
Things were different now. Kerri wasn’t living with her parents; she was with him. He wanted to start a new tradition, where her birthday was a big deal, as it should be. It was the day she’d come into the world.
The woman needed to learn how amazing and special she was.
The door opened, and the two women walked in. Kerri suddenly paused and her arms went slack. The bag she was holding fell next to her sandaled feet. Her eyes wide, she looked around at the candles and food and drinks and cake.
“What’s this?” Her voice was bright. “Is it…your birthday, Ethan?” She shook her head. “Or are we having a guest over for a surprise party that I didn’t know about?”
She didn’t think this was for her? Had she forgotten her birthday altogether?
He put his hands on her arms and kissed her. “Happy birthday, Kerri.”
***
Kerri blinked, her chest suddenly tight. Her pulse throbbed too fast and her insides ached.
God, all this was for her.
She tried to remember all the things she ought to be doing. She should smile—yes, and what else? She should look pleased, maybe happy even, that people noticed and cared enough to bother.
Why are you doing this to me? Why are you going through all this when what we have is temporary?
She couldn’t ask, not when her best friend was watching her expectantly.
Kerri started to go through the motions, opting for the proper response.
“My gosh, you’re right. I totally forgot. It is my birthday.” An unnaturally high-pitched laugh spilled out of her. She’d semi-forgotten about it because she’d spent the entire day not thinking about it. Even forced herself to focus on shopping as though she could save humanity from World War III by pinching every penny of Natalie’s billionaire husband’s money.
“Happy birthday, girl!” Natalie hugged her and put a beautifully wrapped pale blue box on the table.
Ethan and Natalie beamed, and spreading her mouth into a proper smile hurt too much. This was far more than the simple birthday celebrations her coworkers had set up for her at some popular bars to pretend and fake her way through. Her coworkers had never had the time to do anything other than to pay for her whiskey and greasy finger food, which had been exactly at the limit of her comfort level.
So why couldn’t Ethan have done the same? He was busy, and this wasn’t even a weekend. He shouldn’t have bothered. A slice of cake after a plate of spaghetti with simple tomato sauce should’ve been more than enough.
Ethan’s mouth curved into a boyish grin.
Suddenly the wall around her heart, the one she’d considered as solid as the Hoover dam, cracked, then shattered. She couldn’t contain the pain and tears any longer.
Her knees folded under the weight of her grief and she put her hands on her face, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Through blurred vision, she saw horror on Ethan’s face, his beautiful smile gone.
“Kerri, what’s wrong?” Natalie was kneeling beside her, a concerned look on her face.
Shit. Kerri pushed her hair out of her face, furious with herself. She was ruining everything. All because she couldn’t control herself.
Then Ethan was kneeling beside her as well, gently but firmly moving Natalie out of the way. “Natalie, I’ll get this. Thanks for your help.”
“Are you sure? I don’t—”
“Really, it’s okay. I’ve got it. Why don’t you go ahead and head home?”
The two exchanged a look and Ethan said, “Please.” Natalie got up.
“I’ve got my phone on. Let me know immediately if there’s something I can do.”
The door opened and closed and Natalie was gone.
Kerri wiped the wetness from her face on her jeans. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m just…” She sniffed. “They’re happy tears.” She winced inwardly at the lie, which sounded about as credible as a politician’s promise. What had happened to her? She used to be able to lie so well, especially when it came to her family. She’d had years of practice at smiling and laughing at the right times, saying the right things, nodding prettily and avoiding showing her disappointment at all costs.
Ethan dragged her into his arms. “Kerri, honey, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”
His chest was solid and warm under her cheek, and she gripped his shirt.
“I’m sorry, Kerri. Tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll fix it.”
His apology twisted inside her like a knife. “It’s not your fault,” she sobbed. “It’s me.”
What kind of a mess was she that she couldn’t even let a man do something thoughtful for her without having to apologize for it? She cried harder, unable to contain years of loneliness and grief.
The old wounds were supposed to be healed by now. Maybe not completely, but enough so that while the scars might ache from time to time, they wouldn’t reopen.
She’d always thought if she avoided her family, she wouldn’t have to face the old pain. She couldn’t believe she’d gotten it so wrong.
“Kerri, tell me how to fix it,” Ethan whispered against her hair, his hands stroking her back gently. “I’ll take care of it.”
“You can’t,” she said. “Nobody can fix it.”
His arms tightened around her.
“It’s me, don’t you get it?” she said. “It’s me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“If I hadn’t been born, everyone would’ve been happy.”
There, she’d said it. Something she’d always known deep inside but hadn’t dared to voice out loud.
Ethan’s entire body stiffened. “What?”
She dropped her gaze to the hardwood floor and gently pulled away from him. A lifetime of disappointment and despair wrapped around her and she hugged herself, clenching her jaw to stop her teeth from chattering.
“My mother was always so grim around big holidays.” Her voice grew hoarse and unrecognizable; she cleared her throat. “Thanksgiving. Christmas. Then I noticed she also acted strange on certain dates, like June third or July seventeenth, which I later learned were my brothers’ birthdays. But the worst day of all was my birthday. Mom was always inconsolable, crying too much to even answer the phone. I remember one year when the housekeeper had to call a doctor to come over and sedate her. She was that out of her mind with grief.” Kerri closed her eyes. “The grandparents on my dad’s side were gone by the time I was born, but my mother’s family never sent anything, not even a card, for my birthday.” She squeezed her eyes closed as fresh tears formed. “I knew something was wrong. All my friends were so happy on their birthdays. Their parents visited and took them to Disneyland or something. Bought them gifts, sent them cake, made them feel special. But not my mother.” She swallowed a big lump rising up in her throat as the old memories she’d tried to forget resurfaced to torment her. “Then one day… It was during the summer vacation before I went to college. I was looking for something—I don’t remember what—and I found some boxes in the attic. They were full of stuff for two little boys.” And old article clippings and photo albums. Her hands had shaken so badly she’d barely been able to read them. “My brothers, Ned and Adam. My older brothers…if they had lived. But they died on the day I was born. Dad, too.” Hysteria and grief welled up inside her. “Actually…they died because I was born.”
“Kerri…”
“Dad was driving them to the hospital where Mom was in labor. She’d wanted them there so everyone could welcome me into the world. But…there was an accident on the way. Everyone in the car died instantly.”
Ethan’s hands on her tightened, and she welcomed the physical pain. It seemed so fitting, something she deserved. “Kerri, it was an accident.”
“They wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for me. Three people would be alive now.”
“It’s not your fault, Kerri,” he insisted.
“Yes, it is. I was born three weeks early. If I had come on time, it might have been different, but no, I had to come early.” She looked at him with her eyes wide, so he’d know the truth. “Do you know what the worst thing is?”
He said nothing. She hadn’t expected him to answer.
“Mom couldn’t stand the sight of me. Neither could my grandparents. I was a constant reminder of what they’d lost. When I found out, I couldn’t stay any longer, knowing that I brought nothing but pain to everyone around me. I had to leave.”
Chapter Eighteen
Christ, Ethan thought. Everything made so much sense now.
No wonder Kerri looked so sad whenever she saw children. No wonder she’d never spoken of her family. No wonder she’d tried to ignore her birthday and any other occasion that people generally celebrated.
Ethan had never had a child of his own, so he probably didn’t truly understand the depths of grief that parents experienced when they lost their children. But he couldn’t fathom how her mother could blame her for the loss of her husband an
d two sons. Kerri had been a newborn, just about to embark on life.
Her mother should’ve been stronger. For her sake.
He held Kerri tightly, letting her cry, willing her to let go of the pain. The hot tears on his shirt seemed to scald his skin. He wanted to absorb all her darkness and grief.
“Kerri, listen to me. It’s not your fault.” His voice cracked, and he took a moment to compose himself. “You can’t go through life blaming yourself for what happened. It was an accident.”
She shook her head, crying harder. Ethan hurt for her, the pain sharp and twisting. Something that should’ve been a great day of joy had turned into a day of sorrow for Kerri…and he felt a huge rage against her family build.
“Kerri, it’s not your fault.”
She shook her head again.
He took her face between his hands and tipped it upward so she could see his eyes. “Kerri. It’s not your fault. Say it.”
“But it is my fault,” she sobbed out, her voice rough. “And Mom knew it. I wish she’d just told me everything instead of letting me spend my entire childhood trying to earn her love and approval. I’m sure every time she saw me she wished I’d never even been conceived.”
How much had her mother grieved to create such despair and sorrow in Kerri? He couldn’t even imagine growing up in a household where he was unwanted. His family had issues—what family didn’t?—but everyone knew they were loved and that they could count on each other. Kerri hadn’t even had that, and it was a wonder she hadn’t crumpled. He kissed her mouth, salty with her tears. “Well I, for one, am glad you were born. I’m glad you’re brave and courageous enough to overcome everything life has thrown at you and survive. You’re a survivor, Kerri. You’re stronger than anything else that’s been trying to beat you down. You’re a fucking miracle.”
She laughed humorlessly. “A miracle? That’s a first.”
“What else could you possibly be? Despite it all, you’re a lovely woman who cares. You’re smart and carved out a good life for yourself. You never used your past to get sympathy. You just kept your chin up and carried on. If that’s not freaking amazing, I don’t know what is.”
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