I laugh out loud at that thought. I don’t think Taylor is really in the equation any more.
It doesn’t matter anyhow. You decided when you left that you were on your own. Relying on other people doesn’t help.
I turn my attention to the window, and I barely register the beautiful sunset beginning to color the sky over the roof line. The day is nearly over. I can hardly believe it was only yesterday that I had been at the amusement park with my friends, only yesterday that Taylor had given me the Jeep.
I feel a stabbing pressure in my gut at the thought. I know, suddenly, what I need to do. Rip off the Band-Aid, make a clean break.
I spoke to Ellie earlier to give her a brief rundown, but I pick up my phone to send her a text.
I’m going to need a ride.
Ignoring the messages that have been steadily coming in from Taylor, I grab my keys and quickly leave the house.
Chapter Twenty-three
Taylor
It’s ten hours before I hear from Zoe again. After four I’m basically panicking, convinced something terrible has happened to her. It’s not like her not to answer my texts, to ignore my calls. When dinnertime comes and goes and I still haven’t heard from her, I walk to the shop to get my car, then drive by her house. It’s dark and still and fills me with fear. With shaking hands, I call Ellie.
“I talked to her a few hours ago,” she says, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Where is she?”
“I don’t know. Something’s up with her mom. She didn’t give me any details. But she’s okay, Taylor.”
I try not to feel jealous that Zoe would share that information with Ellie and not with me. The important thing is that she’s okay. I go home to wait; maybe she’ll show up there the way she has so many times before.
I try to get lost in my drawing, but I can’t keep a clear head. I don’t like that she left my apartment without telling me, don’t like that she’s not responding to me now. And I really don’t like that she saw that damn acceptance letter.
I silently curse Fred. Why does he always have to push me into doing stuff I don’t want to do? Why can’t he ever mind his own damn business? College just isn’t in the cards for me, never was, and he knows that. But still, he pushes.
I sigh, staring at the sketch. I’ve been trying to work out what I’ll do for the sidewalk art fest, and it’s hard to get the perspective right. It’s even harder when my mind’s not really on my work. I set aside the sketch book and head to the kitchen to get a beer.
I hear footsteps on the stairs. I rush to the door and throw it open to reveal Zoe standing there, her head down.
“Thank God—” I say, but she pushes past me.
“I came to drop off the car,” she says, her voice flat.
It takes me a second to realize what she said. “Why would you drop off the car?”
“I don’t think it’s right to keep it. Not now.”
A cold trickle of fear runs down my neck. “Zoe, what are you talking about?”
“I think it’s time we stop seeing each other.”
She says it just like that, like it’s no big deal. Like she’s not fucking pulling all the air from my lungs.
“Why would we stop seeing each other?”
“It’s run its course, Taylor.” She still isn’t looking at me.
“Zoe, what the hell are you—”
“Look, can we please just not make a big deal out of this?” she asks, her voice quiet. The trickle of fear is turning into a stream. Her tone is really freaking me out—she sounds tired, indifferent.
“A big deal out of what, exactly?”
She turns to face me full on, and I swear to God my heart stops for a second. Everything about her expression is foreign to me. She stares through me like I’m not even there, like I’m a stranger to her, completely unimportant.
“This, Taylor,” she says, gesturing at the space between us. “Can we not pretend it was something it wasn’t?”
My mouth feels dry. “What are you saying?”
“It was just supposed to be fun, right? That’s what we both said—that we wanted a little bit of fun this summer. And now summer is ending, and I just don’t see the point in dragging this out any longer.”
“Why are you doing this?” My heart is pounding so hard I’m starting to feel dizzy. Is she actually telling me that none of this meant anything to her? That’s crazy—whatever we said at the start of the summer, I know she can’t mean that. We were never just a little bit of fun, not since the first time we kissed.
She turns away slightly. Is she grimacing? “Because I don’t have time for it anymore. And neither do you. You obviously have a future to start planning for—”
Relief spreads through me so fast I almost laugh. “Is this about that stupid acceptance letter? I told you, Zoe, I’m not going. I have no plans to move or to go to school. So let’s just drop this entire—”
But she’s shaking her head. “No, Taylor. It’s not that. Though I do think you should go. You should be working in art, you know that.”
“If it’s not about school…I don’t understand. Are you breaking up with me?” I curse myself when my voice breaks on the last word. What kind of total pussy have I turned into? But I can’t care about that now. All I care about is the fact that she still won’t meet my eyes, that she’s backing away. I can practically see her walls going up, and it scares the shit out of me.
“I don’t have time for this anymore,” she says again, her voice short. “I’m sorry, Taylor. My mom isn’t doing well, and I need to spend more time with her. And my fall semester schedule is really intense.” Even as she talks, I still can’t believe it. There must be something I’m missing here, something she’s leaving out. But then, for the first time, she looks straight into my eyes. “I don’t want this anymore. I’m done.”
I feel a shattering sensation in my chest, eerily similar to the way it had felt when Keller, the guy from the bar fight, broke my ribs the night I almost killed him. I know that this time my bones are intact, but that doesn’t mean nothing is breaking.
“Zoe,” I whisper. How can she be saying this? How could I have misjudged her feelings for me so entirely? I can’t have, I know it.
But her face doesn’t soften, her voice remains cold. “I’m sorry. I figured you’d be ready for it, too.”
I want to grab her, kiss her, remind her of the way we feel together. There’s no way she could leave if she just felt my arms around her again, my lips on hers. You don’t just walk away from something like that.
But then she does just that. She turns and walks away from me, straight to the door without looking back.
“Zoe,” I yell out in panic. She doesn’t stop and everything’s muddled, confused. Like I’m shocked or something and can’t wrap my mind around what’s happening right in front of me. But I have to think of a way to make her stay. In a split second I decide to tell her the truth, the thing I’ve never said before, not to anyone.
“I need you.” As the words leave my mouth, I know she can hear the truth of it, the pain in my voice. She pauses, her hand on the doorknob.
“That’s a mistake, Taylor,” she says, not turning to face me. Her voice is cold, so unlike her own. “You should never let yourself need anyone. They always let you down in the end.”
Then she’s gone, through the doorway and out of my life, leaving me alone in my apartment. Completely and entirely alone.
***
I don’t know how to deal with this.
That makes me sound like a melodramatic teenager, but there’s no other way to describe how this shit feels. Watching Zoe walk away from me like that, hearing her say those words in that cold, flat, foreign voice—I have no way to process this, no way to take it in.
We’re over.
How is that possible? She was the only good thing I had going in this shit hole of a life. And now she’s gone, just like that.
The crazy thing is, I could have dealt with it if
we’d had a fight. If I’d done something stupid to make her mad. Or if she’d realized what a fuck up I was and decided to bolt. It would hurt like hell, sure, but at least it would make sense to me. I wouldn’t even blame her, really. I’d always thought she was too good for me. But this…
I just don’t understand what happened. We went to bed on Thursday night as happy as we’d ever been. Her birthday had been amazing, just about perfect. I thought I’d made her happy, really happy. As for me, I was finally starting to feel like I had some peace in my life, like I could imagine a place free from the overwhelming guilt that sat on my shoulders. Zoe gave me that.
And then, in the morning, when she’d found the letter and I’d blown up, I thought it was such a big step for me. I’d seen red when she brought up the possibility of my leaving, the realization that I was trapped here hitting me the way it always did. And when my hands had started to shake, when I started to feel like punching the wall would be a real good idea, I stopped myself. I took a time out, just the way she had taught me. I’d been proud of that.
But she was gone when I came out. Gone without a word or a note. I figured it was her version of a time out. Maybe it freaked her out when I got pissed like that, maybe she needed some time away. So I gave her space, gave her a few hours.
Was that what I did wrong?
Or was it the school thing after all? She says she wasn’t worried that I would be leaving her. What if I had it backwards? Could she be pissed that I wasn’t going? Was she finally realizing that a life with me meant being stuck right here forever? Had she finally realized what a loser I was?
I slam my hand against the coffee table, frustrated. The truth is, I have no idea what caused her to bolt like that. And now I never will.
The word “never” echoes in my head, and I jump up from the couch. I can’t stand to sit in this apartment another minute. This place only feels right with her here. I look around at the little signs of Zoe that have begun to creep in. There are now books and magazines scattered on the side tables, the countertop. Pictures of the two of us, of our friends, hang above the desk. She’d brought over a crocheted throw for the couch, saying I kept the air too cold. There was even a new lamp, one we’d picked out together on one of our Boring Ass Normal Shit dates. For the first time since I moved up here, it feels cozy, warm. Like a home.
I can’t handle the thought that she isn’t coming back.
I grab my keys and head out the door. I don’t know where she’ll be tonight, but I should be able to find her friends. Maybe Ellie can tell me what the hell is going on.
After checking the Burrito Barn and two house parties, I still haven’t found Ellie, but I do find Hunter and Everett playing pool at Gino’s, a bar on the outskirts of town.
“Hey, man,” Everett says when he sees me, and my heart constricts. The look on his face is not good.
“Ellie told us,” Hunter says. “I’m sorry, dude. I thought you guys were good together.”
“What’d she tell you?” I ask, hoping my voice sounds normal.
They share a look.
“She says you and Zoe broke up,” Hunter says.
I close my eyes. There it is, then. I didn’t hallucinate the entire thing, and there’s no sense in denial. If she’s telling her friends we broke up, she must have really meant it.
“Hey, you okay?” Everett says, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I open my eyes, seeing concern on his face. I don’t even care how lame I look right now, I just want to know what happened.
“I just don’t get it,” I say. “I thought we were doing good. I have no idea why she would…why she…” I trail off. I can’t bring myself to say the words.
“That really sucks,” Everett says. He pauses, as if not sure he should say more. “To be honest, I’m kinda surprised it lasted as long as it did.”
“Why?”
Hunter answers for him. “She not really the dating type, you know? I don’t think I’ve ever seen her with a guy for half as long as you two were together. She just…” He shrugs. “Zoe doesn’t do commitment. She never has. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.”
I almost want to laugh. Two months ago I would have said the same thing about myself. And Zoe had certainly told me as much about herself. This is just fun. She’d even told me that she would never change. And I’d believed the same was true about me.
Funny, somehow I thought we’d both changed. I guess I’d been wrong.
Obviously, there’s only one thing to do. There’s no way I can sit here and repeat all this bullshit in my head. She left me two hours ago and I already feel like I’m going insane. Talking to Hunter and Everett just reminds me of all the times the three of us were together this summer. It’d been nice to have an actual crew, people I could hang out with, trust. In summers past it was just me and Fred and whatever old acquaintance was throwing the best party. With Zoe, I had honest-to-God friends.
Zoe. I can’t think about her right now, can’t picture her face or hear her voice in my head. It hurts too fucking bad.
I leave Hunter and Everett at the pool table and head straight to the bar. I grab a stool and order a shot of whiskey as soon as the bartender glances in my direction. “Keep ‘em coming,” I tell him before downing the shot.
The whiskey burns a familiar fiery trail down my chest. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that searing heat. I think about the promise Zoe and I had made to each other to ease off on this stuff but dismiss it. What the hell does that matter now? Surely she can’t expect me to honor my promise when she doesn’t even want me anymore. The thought sends me right back to the shot glass. I can’t drink fast enough to make it go away this time.
I don’t know how long I sit there, but I do know that by the time Fred finds me I’m feeling pretty damn numb. My chest still hurts like someone stomped on it, but the pain is blurring around the edges, not quite so sharp.
“Hey,” my best friend says, sliding into the seat next to me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. I try to bring his face into focus.
“Everett called me.” He nods toward the back of the bar.
“Thought I needed a babysitter?” I sneer.
Fred shakes his head. “No. Just company.”
Company. I’m so grateful for him in that moment that I want to cry, an entirely horrifying prospect. Instead, I take another shot.
“She left,” I say after a minute of silence, knowing that he already knows but needing to say it anyhow.
“I’m sorry. That sucks.”
I shake my head, the lump back in my throat. Fuck.
“I don’t know why, man,” I say, my voice low. I picture her face, smiling, lying next to me at the beach. Laughing as she changes the radio station in my car. Putting her feet up on the dash to piss me off. The look on her face when we went down that first hill on the coaster yesterday. Eyes sparkling over the pillow in my bed. Moving in to kiss me. “I just don’t know why.”
“I don’t know either,” he says.
I take another shot, and her face starts to blur, melting into another face, one I try never to think of. Jim had eyes like hers, blue and clear.
“Why does everyone leave?” I whisper. I’m so tired now, so sick of watching the people I love walk away. I think about going home, back to that house, alone. Jim should be there, in his room, listening to his shitty CDs and talking to Sarah on the phone. And Zoe should be in my apartment, waiting for me in my bed. But they’re gone, both of them. Gone forever.
I put my head in my hands, scared I really am going to cry. My friend puts his hand on my shoulder, but I barely feel it. “They always leave.”
Chapter Twenty-four
Zoe
I can’t get his face out of my mind.
It’s not like there aren’t other things for me worry about right now—big, scary, terrible things. But still, it’s Taylor’s face that I see every time I let my mind wander, every time I close my eyes.
I hurt him.
Badly. That was clear when he all but begged me to stay. I wanted to, wanted to let my walls come down and fall into his arms, tell him everything, ask him to take it all away.
But he can’t do that. No one could take this away, not this time. My life is a nightmare, with no end in sight. I can’t justify leaving my mom alone again, not even for a minute. No more sleepovers with my boyfriend, no more dinner dates or trips to amusement parks. I owe her more than that, owe her to at least try to look out for her. At the very least I owe her my presence as she tries to pick up the pieces.
I’m stuck here for the long haul. Trapped. Rhode Island is as far out of reach as a foreign country. He said he wasn’t going to go, seemed to think that he is trapped, too. But that’s bullshit. His mother doesn’t need him, his father has all but abandoned him. What’s holding him here? I’ll be damned if it’s going to be me.
So I walked out of his apartment, knowing it was for the best. He can’t save me, and I’m not going to be responsible for keeping him here. One way or another, we would let each other down, eventually. It’s a given, just the way this fucked up world works. It’s smarter to cut our losses now, before it goes any further.
But that doesn’t make it any easier to stop thinking about him.
Ellie pulls up to the entrance of the hospital. We haven’t really talked since she picked me up outside his apartment. She knows that something’s up, knows I’m on the verge of completely losing it. But she doesn’t push me. This is Ellie, after all.
“You want me to come in with you?”
I shake my head. “No, thanks. My uncle will be here soon.”
She’s quiet again, watching me. “You dumped him, didn’t you?”
I nod, once. It would be too hard to explain, would hurt too much. I can tell she wants to know what happened, that she’s dying to ask. But she doesn’t. “Are you going to be okay, Zoe?”
I laugh, the sound bitter and more than a little crazy. “I don’t even know what that means anymore.”
“Will you call me later?”
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