by Max Frei
“Actually, I don’t know,” said Juffin, staring at me with unconcealed surprise. “In my book, it’s too much. I think I’m glad that Loiso is still kicking. I used to think that the Universe had become empty without him. Are you surprised?”
“Probably not,” I said. “I . . . liked him, although I do realize that I wasn’t dealing with the real Loiso Pondoxo, just my own reflection—idealized, augmented, and corrected in compliance with my own recommendations. You were right: it’s the most devastating kind of personal charm. In any case, I bought into it—lock, stock, and barrel. Who could ever resist himself? What does the real Loiso Pondoxo look like, I wonder? Or did you only deal with a nice copy of yourself, too?”
“It depends. Besides, Loiso and I have many mutual acquaintances. Take Maba Kalox, for example—he and Loiso used to be good friends. So I think I know what the real Loiso looks like. He’s moody but always aggressive—that’s the only thing that never changes in him. He’s not evil, but he’s definitely aggressive. When you’re dealing with the real Loiso, it seems as though he has no choice: he’ll either tear everything around into pieces or blow up himself. He’s a very charming person, and insufferable at the same time. His old friends in the Xolomi Higher Institute used to tell me that everybody adored Loiso. At the same time, they avoided inviting him to parties. Even back then, there was too much of him for others to be able to relax in his company. He poured bucketfuls of his unpredictability on others. Then again, Loiso was never really fond of parties or other social events. He was a self-contained fellow. Solitude fit him like a glove.”
“You seem to be madly in love with your old enemy,” I said.
“In a way, you’re right,” said the boss. “I love strange birds. Loiso Pondoxo was not just an eccentric psychopath; he was a brilliant sorcerer, too. He had an innate talent for Apparent Magic. People used to say that he’d learned to fly before he learned to walk, and I have reasons to believe that legend.”
“And yet you beat him,” I said.
“Well, looks like I didn’t after all,” said Juffin. “Still, better than nothing, I suppose. I was lucky that Loiso had begun taking lessons in True Magic much later than I had. Plus, he was more stubborn than talented. This put me at an advantage. It was probably the funniest battle in the entire history of the Troubled Times: two powerful magicians, neither wanting to kill the other yet being compelled to do it. On top of that, both of us were curious to find out how it would end.”
“Why did you even engage in that battle of the titans to begin with?” I said. “From the looks of it, you and Loiso could’ve become buddies.”
“It was my job,” said Juffin. “I had orders. Also, Loiso was very capable of destroying this World, and he certainly never lacked the desire to do it. It’s not a metaphor but a fact. He even had time to do some damage. Kettari, as you know, disappeared from the face of the earth, and for Loiso it was a mere warm-up before the main show. But in any event, we wouldn’t have become buddies. Fate has always been very persistent at making our paths diverge, and you can’t fool fate.”
“Yeah,” I said, “that I know. Well, that’s all very neat, but what am I supposed to do now, Juffin? I mean with myself, my darn dreams, Loiso, and Tekki, of course? I don’t know how to proceed.”
“Hold onto your seat, but I don’t know either. I don’t think you should do anything at all. Live and wait for the situation to unfold. Just make sure your head always stays on your own pillow. Perhaps Loiso can only communicate with you through his daughter. Tekki is his last living offspring, a small reservoir of his powers set aside for a rainy day. She’s a ‘window’ on our World. I suspect that your affair may have been a well-crafted trap from the outset.”
“But she has no clue,” I said nervously. “That’s for sure.”
“And that’s the dangerous part. If Tekki were capable of controlling the situation in any way, I’d feel much safer. She’s a good girl, Max. Don’t fret. You don’t need to run away from her to the end of the World. Just, to be on the safe side, don’t put your crazy head on her pillow, that’s all. Can you manage that?”
“It’ll be hard, but I’ll manage,” I said. My good mood had returned to me.
“Maybe it’ll be harder than you can imagine,” said Juffin. “You don’t know what your body is doing while you’re running around in your dreams. It tosses and turns, it kicks and mutters. The next thing you know, your head will be on Tekki’s pillow.”
“Ahem, that’s very unlikely,” I said, embarrassed. “Tekki and I sleep at different times and often in different places. This morning was an exception rather than a rule.”
“Okay, we’ll see,” said Juffin. “Deep down in my heart, I’m sure these are vain efforts. Loiso is probably powerful enough now to get to you without Tekki’s help. He got you once, and now it doesn’t matter which pillow your head rests on. On the other hand, who says that visiting Loiso will necessarily harm you? He’s a dangerous creature, of course, but you weren’t born yesterday, either. I’ll bet you’re curious as heck.”
“I am,” I said. “I’m so curious it makes my head spin. Loiso was right about that chiffa fox. You and I are very much alike.”
“You bet he was. I’m not sure which of us is more curious. You, probably.”
“I’m just younger so it’s easier to lure me out of my foxhole simply by standing on your head. And that’s exactly what your old friend there is doing.”
We both fell silent, each thinking his own thoughts. After a pause, I said, “You know, Juffin, I’m absolutely sure that your great and mighty Loiso Pondoxo poses no danger to me, at least not now. Otherwise, my heart would’ve warned me.”
“And it hasn’t?”
“Nope. So I’d love to pay him a couple more visits on my own volition. The only thing that stops me is that the situation might change at some point and there will be no going back.”
“There’s no going back for you already,” said Juffin. “Because there’s no going back for anyone. It’s just a fairy tale, a pacifier that’s as good as a lullaby. Okay, let’s consider this conversation about Loiso over. Enough for today. I suspect that you and I will have plenty of time to get sick of this topic. A word of warning, Max: this is a real secret. No one must know about your meeting with Loiso. And I mean no one. Period. Well, except maybe for Tekki, but it’s up to you. On the one hand, she has the right to know. On the other hand, who knows what she might do to try to protect you from her daddy?”
“What can she do?” I said.
“She still might try. She holds very dear the chance to touch your body from time to time, you know. Besides, she has her own bone to pick with Loiso. She really hates being in her own shoes, even though I know a lot of people who’d trade with her in a heartbeat.”
“Being in one’s own shoes is a special thing. There are very few who are lucky enough to be happy about it,” I said. “But we always find something attractive about being in someone else’s shoes.”
“Very wise words, young Max,” said Juffin. His lighthearted mockery had a pacifying effect on me. I knew that when Sir Juffin Hully spoke in this tone, the World was safe. It wouldn’t disappear or collapse. It would withstand whatever some Loiso Pondoxo or other might do to try to destroy it.
“Speaking of my wisdom,” I said. “Something intriguing and peculiar happened last night—” I was going to tell him Captain Giatta’s story, but Juffin shook his head and didn’t let me finish.
“Talk to Kofa about it.”
“How do you know what I was going to say?” I said.
“I don’t, but my heart tells me that story is meant for Sir Kofa’s ears. Did you think you were the only one with a good adviser sitting in your chest?”
“Fine. Then I’m not lunching with you,” I said. “To reach an understanding with Kofa, one must speak with his mouth full.”
“Are you saying that you’re willing to sacrifice one of the two possible lunches?” said the boss. “Now I see that Loiso
cast the evil eye on you after all.”
I chuckled and sent Sir Kofa Yox a call.
Kofa, I’m starving. Besides, I’m dying to share a little secret with you and you alone.
Imagine that, I’m also dying to share a little secret with you, or possibly Melifaro. I haven’t decided yet. Where are you, by the way?
I’m sitting in the Glutton and staring at Juffin’s empty plate.
Good. Bring in Melifaro and start eating. I’ll join you in a quarter of an hour.
“Are you done talking with Kofa?” said Juffin, getting up from the table. “Wonderful, let’s go.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you,” I said. “Sir Kofa told me to stay here and expand my circle of companionship, if possible.”
“I see. Good luck expanding it then. Kofa doesn’t give bad advice. Good day, Max. Maybe we’ll run into each other later today.”
“It’s a small world. And the House by the Bridge is even smaller,” I said. “Thank you, Juffin. You set my mind at ease.”
“Really? Silly me. I had hoped to scare the living heck out of you instead.” He waved goodbye and left. I sent a call to Melifaro.
I’ve been waiting for you in the Glutton for half an hour already. What’s wrong with you?
Nothing’s wrong with me, but did you ever stop to think that it’s a good idea to invite me somewhere before starting to wait for me there?
I did. Just now. That’s why I’m talking to you. Also, if you hurry, you’ll have a good chance of getting here before Kofa.
Is this a business meeting or a party?
Does it matter.
Less than a minute later Melifaro rushed into the Glutton Bunba, this time wearing a brand-new fiery red looxi. I cringed but my colleague was quite happy with himself.
“Did I beat Kofa?” he said. “Sweet. Just tell me, has something happened or not? I must know, because if it has, I’ll eat twice as much as I usually do so I don’t have to waste time on it later.”
“I’m not sure. First Kofa will come and tell me his news,” I said. “Then I’ll decide. But you should eat more, just in case.”
“Thanks for the advice. What would I do without you?”
“Mostly stupid things,” I said.
“True, that,” he said and opened the menu. I noticed that his mood was going off the scale on the “Good” side of the gauge.
“Is everything super?” I said.
“Oh, I don’t know. I guess. Yes. It is!” Melifaro wasn’t speaking; he was singing, addressing, for the most part, the ceiling. Look at him, mister, and learn, I said to myself. And keep in mind that when you begin an affair, your face assumes the same idiotic expression. Maybe even more idiotic because you just love going overboard with everything.
“What’s with the mocking stare?” said Melifaro.
“Don’t take it personally,” I said. “If anything, I’m mocking myself. Well, maybe you, too. But just a little.”
“Oh, I don’t mind. Go ahead. It’s your right. That’s the only thing that husbands who are being cheated on can do, anyway.”
“Am I already being cheated on?” I said. “So soon?”
“You will be,” said Melifaro. “After your speech yesterday, it could happen any minute now. You took such a load off the girls’ poor minds when you said they didn’t have to stay in the bedroom with such a monster as you for the rest of their lives. I love you, man!”
“Me? Why me?” I said.
“Why not? Hey, look! Here comes our Master Eavesdropper-Gobbler! And he has his own face, for some reason. Way to blow the cover. Good day, Kofa.”
“It’s been quite a day, indeed,” said Kofa, sitting down next to Melifaro. “How come you’re not eating anything?”
“We were too busy talking about women,” said Melifaro.
“Really? How very original of you. Still, I suggest we order something to eat and talk about something less exciting so it doesn’t interfere with digestion. About work, for example. What kind of news do you have, Max? Is it serious or not?”
“Frankly, I’m not sure,” I said. “It may be serious, or it may be nonsense. We need to discuss it.”
“Well, I have something really peculiar to tell you, so I’m going to start, if you don’t mind.”
“I’m all ears,” I said.
“Some of you should be all mouth,” said Kofa, giving a kind look to the trays of food. He tasted the contents of his pot, nodded, and began his story. “After you and Kekki chatted about that sinning chest for a half hour, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And if I think about something for more than just a few minutes, my feet inevitably bring me to where I can meet the protagonist of a story, or at least where I can find out more about him.” Kofa looked at me, smiling. “No, boy, this isn’t a metaphor. It’s just my little talent—well, one of them, but it’s very useful. When I was the General of the Police of the Right Bank, not a day went by that I didn’t have to use it. I still do, occasionally. There are hundreds of taverns in Echo, praise be the Magicians, and there’s just one me. I’d be worthless at my job if I couldn’t come to the right place at the right time.”
“Awesome,” I said. “Until now, I had a very different idea about your job.”
“That’s what I thought. That’s why I decided to explain it to you while we’re at it. In addition, I want you to know why I knew that my story has everything to do with your friend’s stolen possessions, Max.”
Kofa fell silent and began eating, as though giving me time to process new information. Finally, he went on. “Last night, I took our ladies home and went out, never stopping to think about that sinning chest. I let my legs take me where they thought I should be. I ended up in the Drunken Rain.”
“Oh, that’s a good place,” said Melifaro in a tone of an expert.
“A good place I’ve never heard of,” I said.
“Life is long,” said Kofa. “There’s still time. Please don’t interrupt me.”
Melifaro and I felt ashamed and tried to look intelligent. Kofa appreciated our efforts, nodded, and continued. “The Drunken Rain was almost empty, just what a man needs to meet an old friend of his. My old friend’s name was Zekka Moddorok. He once was an apprentice at the Order of Green Moons.”
“Oh, Anday’s father and grandfather used to make a living working for that Order,” I said. “They became cooks after they had tired of pirating and settled in Echo. Then they died, when the army of your legendary Gurig VII burned down the Residence of the Order. But I thought all the members of the Order of Green Moons were killed in the beginning of the Troubled Times. Looks like some of them survived.”
“Of course,” said Kofa. “A few apprentices and nineteen Junior Magicians—everyone who happened to be elsewhere at the time. The Junior Magicians had to sneak out of the Unified Kingdom, and apprentices weren’t prosecuted because no one saw them as a threat.
“I became acquainted with Zekka Moddorok under completely different circumstances. He was a marauder during the Troubled Times and liked it so much he couldn’t stop even after the establishment of the Code of Krember. During the first years of the new Epoch, several famous robberies were committed, with and without the use of Forbidden Magic. The police couldn’t crack those cases: in the beginning of his career, General Boboota Box was an even dimmer bulb than he is now, and the organization lacked people with the intelligence of Lieutenant Apurra Blookey or the late Shixola.
“Chaos reigned until I put my work in the Secret Investigative Force on hold to catch that sweet young man Zekka personally. I’m not joking about him being sweet. You should have seen his large blue eyes and freckled button of a nose. Back then he was as old as you two are now, yet he looked like a spoiled teenager, much to the chagrin of his numerous victims. He ended up doing time in Xolomi—ninety years, no less. He was convicted of two murders, though most likely those were cases of involuntary manslaughter. But a murder is a murder.”
“So he just got out recently?” said Melifa
ro. “When did you lock him up?”
“In ’26. He got out late last year. I had almost forgotten about him—I had other things on my mind—but I recognized him immediately. The same round eyes and innocent, childish smile, as though he’s about to ask you if he can have another piece of candy.
“I immediately remembered that Zekka Moddorok had once had a good chance of becoming acquainted with the relatives of your friend, Max. Then I realized that he could be one of the accomplices of the chest thieves. It’s just too much of a coincidence. Plus, my premonition led me to the Drunken Rain, and when I looked at the rest of the customers—the three fellows who were dozing off—I felt nothing but boredom.
“Zekka didn’t recognize me at first—I had shape-shifted beforehand, naturally—but I wanted to speak with him as myself. There was no need to beat around the bush. By the time I approached his table, I had already taken off the mask. Zekka was taken aback, but I was very polite and lenient. When you want to crack open someone who’s not too bright, the best strategy is to let him think you consider him a witness, not a perpetrator. Out of pure relief, he’ll start lying so blatantly and profusely that at some point he’s going to say something he shouldn’t. That’s my personal expert advice to you, boys, absolutely free of charge.”
“Congratulations, Kofa,” said Melifaro. “I’ve heard this advice from you six thousand six hundred sixty-six times. A neat symmetrical number, isn’t it?”
“Very symmetrical, indeed. So nice of you to keep track of my advice rather than make use of it. But why dream of the impossible?”
“Where would I encounter those ‘not too bright’ fellows?” said Melifaro. “I work solely with geniuses and can’t make use of your advice.”
“Go on, Kofa,” I said. “What did he say that he shouldn’t have? Did he complain that Anday’s basement was too dusty?”
“Don’t rush me. I began by reminding Zekka of his acquaintance with Zoxma Pu. He frowned, pretending he was desperately trying to remember the name, which was already a glaring mistake on his part. No one who has been an apprentice at any Order will ever, ever forget the name of the Order’s chef. The kitchen is the coziest place in the Residence of any Order. A novice, baffled by all the magic, can go there and have a rest from the madness transpiring around him. It’s like coming home and pressing your face into your mother’s apron, if you know what I mean.