21
Nora sat cross-legged on Tate’s warm coat in front of the fire… in a ramshackle shack… in the middle of a blinding snowstorm. Looking around the tiny room with all the events of the past day running through her mind, it was hard to tell if she was stuck in a surreal dream or if this had become her reality.
He sat in front of her, his long legs stretched out, extending far beyond the edge of his jacket. His face was lit from the firelight that both illuminated and cast shadows. There was no pain etched in his expression, and she hoped the aspirin was working and that he was not stoically ignoring discomfort.
So much had happened in the past twenty-four hours, she was not sure it was in her to delve into deep emotions, but what she told him was true. As soon as they were rescued, there would be little time for a long, heartfelt conversation. He would go back to his life on the other side of the country and she’d return to her job at the hospital and her little apartment.
She cast her mind back to Nathan’s funeral. She sucked in a deep, cleansing breath before letting it out slowly. “You and Nathan used to talk about living on the ranch when you were young, but then you two spent just as much time talking about sailing the seas. Selfishly, I’d hoped that you would both ignore the siren’s call and stay on dry land. I thought you’d marry me and we’d have a bunch of kids to raise on the ranch.” Looking down at her hands in her lap, she sighed. “I now know they were the silly daydreams of a young girl.”
“Nora, they weren’t silly. And you’re right, at one time, those had been my dreams, too.” He reached over and placed his large hand over her much smaller ones, the touch warm and comforting.
Lifting her head, she held his gaze, nodding ever so slightly. “But you were always destined for more adventure, Tate. I knew it and didn’t fight it. I just always thought you’d come back to me.” She chuckled, then added, “Or that you’d take me on your adventures with you. I suppose, to be honest, that was what I hoped for. That you'd take me and we’d discover new things and new places together.”
“You’ve got to know, Nora, that when I left to join the Navy, that’s what I thought would happen. And even when I decided to become a SEAL, I had no idea it was going to be so hard or push me beyond all my limits. I had no clue how much focus it would take. I had fellow team members or commanders who were married but knew their wives were back home raising children mostly as single moms while their husbands were out on missions. Those men missed birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. Some of the marriages didn’t last, and I knew more than one who got a Dear John email in the middle of a mission.”
At the mention of a breakup email, she remained quiet but lifted her eyebrow, holding his gaze without wavering.
He sighed heavily and squeezed her hand. “I know, I know. That’s what I did to you. It wasn’t until Nathan was killed and I saw your anguish and felt it mirrored in myself that I knew I’d do anything to protect you. Even from me.”
“And the night of Nathan’s funeral? When we made love in the barn loft? I’ve got to tell you, that it felt different that night. I know that’s such a girl thing to say—”
“No, it wasn’t just you. I felt it too. It was as though we couldn’t get enough of each other, and I wanted to drown my sorrow and grief and guilt in your sweet body.”
“And I felt the same, Tate. I wanted you to take away all the pain.”
“But we didn’t use a condom. Never even thought about it.”
She shook her head slowly, sighing heavily. “It was dumb and irresponsible, but I think we were so caught up in what we needed from each other at the moment that the idea of birth control flew out the window.”
They sat again in silence, before he asked, “When did you know?”
She shrugged and said, “Not for a while. I know that there are early detection pregnancy tests, but I just didn’t think about it. I’d lost my brother and was drowning in grief. My father’s heart problems only got worse and losing his son made it scarier. To be honest, it was right about the time I got your email.”
He sucked in a quick breath and winced. “I think that was the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life, Nora. I saw your grief at Nathan’s funeral, and all I could think of was if something happened to me. I didn’t want you to have to go through that again. It was stupid, but it didn’t hit me that breaking up with you was still losing me. I swear… I think… somehow in my mind, I still thought I could come back to Wyoming someday and we would be together.”
The wind outside and the crackling of the sticks in the fire was the only sound heard for a moment. She picked up the water bottle and took a long sip, allowing the fresh water to help her focus.
“The timing sucked, that’s for sure. If I’d realized I was pregnant sooner, I could have told you, and then we could’ve planned together. It might have given you hope on your missions that when they were over, you had something to look forward to.” Shrugging, she added, “Or maybe it would’ve just made you feel trapped.”
Shaking his head vigorously, he said, “No! I would never feel trapped by you. Making a child with you would be the greatest honor.”
His words pierced her heart and she winced before being able to hide her pain. Pinching her lips together for a few seconds, she then forged ahead. “It was at that time that I finally realized I hadn’t had my period. For a week after I got your email, I didn’t leave my bed. Caroline finally dragged my ass out, and when I told her my fear, she was the one who got a pregnancy test. I took it that day and it was positive. She wanted to tell you right away, but you were on a mission. And I didn’t want you to be with me out of a misguided sense of duty.” Another sigh left her lips, and fatigue pulled at her. “A couple of days later, I had a lot of cramping. Caroline took me to the ER, and I was miscarrying. I was about nine weeks along.”
She dragged in a ragged breath, but no tears came. This time, the silence between them was heavy with deep, unspoken emotions.
“I can’t imagine your pain, Nora, And I’m so sorry that I wasn’t around to share it with you.”
Setting the empty water bottle to the side, she reached out and took both of his hands with hers. “I used to think there were reasons why bad things happen, but I’ve come to realize that in our lives we have incredible highs and incredible lows. Often, there’s no explanation or reason other than it’s just part of life. I’ve already told you that I was pretty messed up for a while. I missed a semester of college, but finally got my degree and started working. If it hadn’t been for your family, Tate, I don’t know what I would’ve done when I lost Dad and then Grandma and Mom. I know it was hard on your family to be so close to me and yet have me hide away whenever you came home, but I just didn’t think I was strong enough to see you. Even ten years later, I wasn’t strong enough.”
“Babe, you’re the strongest woman I know. Hell, you’re the strongest person I know.”
She threw her head back and laughed. “Oh, I hardly think I could outlast your former SEAL buddies or your new coworkers.”
He shook his head and said, “There’s all kinds of strength, Nora. I’ve got friends who can do whatever it takes to get a mission done, but I’d put your emotional strength up against any of them.”
Uncomfortable with his praise, she glanced down at their clasped hands. He thinks I’m put together now, but he didn’t see me at my worst. She lifted her gaze and it settled on his shoulder, thinking of his injury and how he received it. “How does your shoulder feel?”
“There’s a dull ache, but then I’m not doing much with my shoulder right now, so it feels a lot better than it did.”
“You threw yourself in front of me.” It had happened so fast, but, as though in slow motion, he managed to push Bob down and get his own body in front of me, the knife hitting him instead.
“I hope you know I’d do anything to protect you. I failed in that years ago, but I don’t plan on failing again.”
She shook her head slowly, fatigue pulling at her. �
��You didn’t fail me, Tate. Failing me would’ve been to leave me after I told you I was pregnant. You didn’t do that. You never knew. By the time I was listening to Caroline and ready to tell you, I miscarried.”
The feel of his strong fingers wrapped around hers warmed her heart more than the fire. How can fingers be strong? How can everything about him make me feel protected? She lifted her gaze to his and, with a great deal of hesitation, asked, “Did you ever think of me?”
He nodded, his eyes searching hers but full of guilt. “Yes. I know I was the one who broke up, but you never left my mind. I carried a picture of you in my wallet… it’s still there. It was one of you, me, and Nathan. It served as a memory of where I came from but also a reminder of what I wanted. When you avoided me so much over the last ten years, I figured that ship had sailed and I’d completely lost my chance with you.”
“Was there ever anyone else special?” She asked the question but hated the idea of what his answer might be.
“No. Not special. I dated some but nothing ever satisfied me like being with you. I figured I would end up being an old bachelor.”
She sucked in her lips tightly, trying to keep the smile from emerging.
“But what about you, Nora? I know you were dating someone seriously.”
Her smile dropped from her face. “I did. I tried. It was a mistake.”
“A mistake?”
She shrugged and sighed. “I thought what I needed was the absolute opposite of you. Caroline hated him, but I figured he was around, steady, and not adventurous. By then, my dad had died, and I really just wanted some stability. But as we got closer, I think I knew it was never going to be forever. I would’ve ended it at some time, but he beat me to it.”
“He broke up with you? Was he stupid?”
Jerking back, she blinked. “Well, you broke up with me!”
“That’s what I mean. I was stupid and admit it!”
A rueful chuckle slipped out and she shook her head as her heart pounded, wondering how he would take the words that were coming next. “The reality is when he found out some things about me, he was no longer interested in taking a chance on me.”
Tate raised his eyebrows, his chin jerking back, but he remained quiet.
Continuing, she explained, “In the ER, because there was a lot of heavy bleeding when I miscarried, they did some uterine scraping. Later, my doctor said there was scar tissue and the result was that I might not be able to have children.”
“Oh, fucking hell, Nora.”
His voice was full of anguish, and she winced at the strong emotion lacing his words. Shoulders slumped, she dropped her gaze to her lap, starting to pull her hands away from his. He gripped tighter, and her eyes jerked back up to his in question.
“Babe, I don’t know what to tell you except to say this. Any man would be lucky to have you by their side, children or no children. Just being with you would make every day better. And if that’s not how he felt, then he was not worthy of your time.”
A shiver ran through her at the intensity of his gaze. It blazed through her, and she couldn’t understand how she felt so cold and so hot at the same time. He lifted his hand and cupped the back of her head, leaning forward to place his lips on her forehead. Her breath was so shallow she was afraid she might pass out, but she closed her eyes and memorized the feel of his lips on her skin. He pulled back slightly only to lift her chin upward and placed his lips on hers. The kiss was gentle. Yielding. Giving what she needed at that moment: comfort. She had no idea what his thoughts were about their future. Old wounds had been exposed and she felt raw. And yet, for the first time in many years, healing eased into her mind. But where does that leave us?
Too tired to figure out her tangled emotions and too afraid to ask him, she simply said, “We’ve gone over a lot of heavy tonight, Tate.”
He reached up and brushed her hair from her face, his thumb gently moving over her bruised jaw. “Do you want to lay down and rest?”
She nodded.
“I’m going back out to grab a few more sticks for the fire, then we can catch a few hours of sleep. I know someone will come for us tomorrow on snowmobiles.”
“What if they can’t get through because of the storm?”
He kissed her forehead again and stood. “Baby, these guys know what they’re doing. They’ll get through.”
She pushed up to stand, stepping off his coat. Once he was bundled against the weather, he headed back outside. She looked out the door, but he was out of her sight. The snow was deepening, and in a different time and place and situation, she would think it was beautiful. Now, it had created an oasis for her and Tate to reconnect. But when the morning comes, where will we be?
22
As soon as Tate stepped outside the cabin, the blast of snow and ice slapped him in the face. He sucked in a quick breath, but the frosty air pushed tangled thoughts to the side. Maybe this will keep my mind on the mission. Focus had never been a problem, but it was increasingly harder to be around Nora and not want to take her into his arms and make love to her. But just like it was obvious that sex after Nathan’s funeral had been ill-timed, this was not the right situation either. When I’m with her, I’m going to take care of her… in all ways. With that vow first and foremost on his mind, he tramped through the thick snowdrifts.
Her words had burrowed deep inside him. When he told her that she was the strongest person he knew, he hadn’t exaggerated. But he was done with leaving her alone to face whatever life threw at her.
Still full of recrimination, he quickly moved into the nearby woods and managed to find more sticks to go along with the few other chopped pieces that had been piled behind the shack. Ducking his head again as he went through the doorway, he dropped his armload and turned to secure the door as best he could. It did not fit well, but he tried to keep most of the wind from entering the interior.
She was huddled near the fire and a shiver moved across her. Stepping closer, he dropped to his knees next to hers. “You cold?”
She shook her head. “No, not cold. I just… this is all so…” She dropped her head and lifted her hand to her forehead at the same time. “I suppose I’m just tired.”
He did not doubt that she was exhausted but was equally sure that everything they had talked about stirred up emotions that she had not had a chance to process. “Nora?”
She responded to his gentle voice and lifted her head, holding his gaze. Dark circles had formed under her eyes and the bruise on her cheek was still swollen. Her eyelids drooped, but she gave her attention to him.
“We’re going to lay down and try to sleep for a couple of hours. We’re done talking for now, babe, and things have been heavy. But I want you to try to sleep and everything else we’ll deal with tomorrow.”
She held his gaze for a long moment, her eyes searching his. He did not look away. She must have found what she was looking for because she gave a little nod before scooting down onto his coat. He lay next to her, and it did not escape his notice that she placed him on the side that allowed him to not put pressure on his injured shoulder. Lifting his arm, he wrapped it around her, offering his chest for her pillow.
He hoped she would be able to find sleep, and it did not take long before her body grew heavier and her breathing deepened. He smiled, knowing she might be exhausted but that she felt safe in his arms.
Sleep did not come easily for him, the multitude of thoughts still running through his mind. He had no idea what the future would bring, but knew with Nora back in his life, he was not going to let her go.
Her bed moved and Nora blinked slightly, aware that light was seeping into her room. The illumination seemed odd, but she closed her eyes, hoping for a few more minutes of sleep. When the mattress shifted again, she jerked her eyes open and realized she was not in bed but lying mostly on Tate.
With her hand on his chest, she pushed herself up, eliciting a grunt from him. “Sorry,” she mumbled, still trying to clear her mind. “What time is i
t?”
He sat up and stretched, then, crouching as he stood, moved to the door. “It’s still early, but the sun reflecting off the snow makes it seem extra bright.”
“Is it still snowing?”
“The wind has died down, so it seems the storm has passed even though snow is still falling.”
She pushed up and stood, mimicking his stretching. Walking over, she nudged under his good shoulder, encircling his waist with her arms. He pulled her in tight, and they stared out the door for a moment. “It looks really deep out there. Do you think anyone will come today?”
He dropped his chin and looked down at her, a smile on his face. It was the most beautiful sight she imagined waking to and prayed it would not be the last time.
“Absolutely. The FBI, DEA, and police will want to get up here and shut down the meth lab and get their hands on the producers. I’ve got a team member working with the local FBI agent who has snowmobiles. They won’t have any problem getting up here.”
“Will they be able to find us?”
“Babe, stop worrying. I promise, they’ll get here.”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot about your tattoo tracer.” She felt assured and gifted him with a smile. Glancing at his shoulder, she said, “I need to take a look at that.”
His arm squeezed her waist. “Other than being a little stiff, it’s okay. I’ll get it worked on when we get to the hospital.”
She held his gaze, judged him to be truthful about his level of pain, and then turned to look around the room. “This feels strange.” He squeezed her arm and she continued. “I just slept on the ground in a little shack and yet it seems better than the cabin. I didn’t even want to eat anything there because it was so unclean.” She crinkled her nose as she turned her gaze up to him. “I thought that someone that was stockpiling for some kind of takeover would be super organized and, well, maybe not clean, but just have everything in its place.”
Tate (Lighthouse Security Investigations Book 6) Page 17