All of Me

by ANDREA SMITH

  I liked her style. She was a ball buster and that’s exactly what I needed in this time slot.

  “Mr. Sexton, your father is here. Just an elevator ride away,” Bridget announced and just like that my mood deflated instantly.

  Thanks, Dad.

  “Great, give me a few minutes to finish up here Bridget.”

  “Wow,” Autumn commented gathering up the lunch remnants from the conference table and tossing them into the trash, “Somebody just let the air out of your happy balloon.”

  I looked over at her quickly. Damn, could she read me that easily? As if she read my mind, she gave a soft chuckle.

  “Your body language speaks volumes, Mr. Sexton. Just sayin.”

  “Please, it’s Dirk. Mr. Sexton is my crotchety old man,” I replied.

  “Maybe we should grab a beer sometime and share family horror stories,” she said with a grin. “I’ll bet you mine can top yours.”

  “I’ve got a trust fund that says otherwise,” I answered with a breezy nonchalance that belied my feelings. “That’s, if I still have one after our meeting,” I added mumbling and then hoping she hadn’t heard that last part.

  “Yeah, well. Guess what? Rich people may own a lot, but they don’t own the market on family drama.”

  Stuck in a meeting with my father was the furthest thing from fun anyone could imagine.

  “Dirk.” He said by way of greeting.

  “Father.” I answered like the spoiled brat that I was.

  “I heard you have a new late-night show,” he said, taking a seat and wiping down imaginary lint from custom made trousers, right at the knee. It was such a pretentious gesture. Like the air itself was too soiled for his presence.

  “I do. She’s going to be amazing.” I said, my excitement matching the tone of my voice.

  “Can I trust you won’t be taking her to bed and costing us millions in lawsuit settlements?” he asked, almost bored with the conversation already.

  “Jesus Christ, Dad. No, of course not.” I was offended, but then I remembered last year’s catastrophe with Heather Ritter.

  I got fucked over by her, for sure.

  She came on to me, in my office. I fucked her against the wall and then told her it was a one-time thing.

  My mistake was not telling her ahead of time.

  Mea Culpa, motherfuckers.

  She was the reason I was upfront, these days, before sticking my dick in anyone.

  “Of course not?” he asked and I knew he was thinking of Heather, too.

  “Look. I messed up last year but I haven’t so much as looked at another employee since. Cut me some slack, will you?”

  “Son, I have to be a hard ass with you. Your mother and I were too lenient. Too certain that you would magically grow up responsible and intuitive. Your mother still has hope. Me, I’m waiting for proof.”

  With that little nugget of fatherly information, he rose from the seat and walked over to pat me on the back.

  I didn’t know if it was condescending or fatherly love.

  “Don’t fuck this up, son. Your mother hates being wrong which leads to me not getting laid.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Dad. Really?” I needed some brain bleach for that image to go away.

  “Grow up, Dirk. Old people have sex too.”

  With that, he walked out and left me feeling a little bit sick inside.

  Eleven

  Autumn

  It was Saturday and while I didn’t work at the station on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, I did pick up hours on 900 Call Ramona. Dee had no issues with a flex schedule, and the extra money was good as I had plans to upgrade my living conditions. A second floor walk-up to a cramped four room apartment wasn’t appropriate for a twenty-five year old college graduate I’d decided long ago. But now with a steady income, it was morphing from a goal to a reality in the very near future.

  My first week on Quirk-99 had gone well. I could tell both Neil and Dirk were pleased with the ramp up of callers I was receiving. I was careful not to be too prickly with callers since Dirk had kind of cautioned me after that call from the whiney-pooing enabling mother who wanted to trash the educational system for her son’s obvious academic laziness.

  Whatever.

  He’d had a meeting with his father who apparently owned all of the radio stations in the network, and I couldn’t help notice the change in his demeanor once Bridget had announced his arrival.

  Was Dirk an only child?

  The heir apparent?

  It made sense what with his cocky demeanor and obvious “Roland” comments. In a way, I felt some compassion for him along with some feminine curiosity. Clearly Dirk R. Sexton was a puzzle to be solved. That was kind of my thing - solving enigmas; dissecting psyches.

  While my twin just dove into friendships and relationships at face value until she learned different, I was more content to sit on the sidelines to observe and analyze before dipping my toe into the murky waters between lust and love. I’d always used caution with people. Maybe it was a protective measure borne out of uncertainty and fear of failure. Summer had no lack of confidence where anything was concerned.

  I thought back to the summer after high school graduation. I had spent two months in the Black Belt region of south-central Alabama as a volunteer worker with Habitat for Humanity. I’d returned in mid-August, my arms and legs still dotted with bug bite scabs and calamine lotion smeared all over the various poison ivy and poison oak rashes that were in places nobody ever wanted to have to scratch.

  Summer had spent the summer lifeguarding at the Country Club pool. She’d picked me up at the airport in her convertible, legs smooth and tanned, her hair with golden blonde streaks from the summer sun.

  “Guess what?” she said immediately after I climbed into the car and was fastening my seatbelt. “Drew and I did it.”

  “You did?” I asked, frankly surprised it had taken that long for them to have sex, particularly since they’d gone together for the better part of our senior year. “So,” I continued, “How was it?”

  She’d shrugged as if it was no big deal. “It was okay I guess. I mean it was the first time. It kinda hurt, but I got through it.”

  I’d laughed at her response. “You’re a trooper.” I replied. “Do you feel closer to him now?” I mean, wasn’t that how it was supposed to be once you and your long-time boyfriend sealed the deal sexually?

  “Oh, we broke up,” she said, pulling her car onto the interstate, gunning the accelerator. The wind was whipping through my already tangled hair, so I grabbed a ball cap out of my bag and put it on to stave off further chaos.

  “What? Why?” I asked. “Because of the sex?”

  “No silly,” she said with a giggle. “It was just time. There was nothing left to figure out after we had sex. No mystery or challenge left. Besides,” she continued, signaling to change lanes, “he had this nasty ingrown hair on his ball sack. I couldn’t get the picture of it out of my mind. Yuck! It was sooo gross!”

  And that had been it. Drew was dust in the wind. She’d already moved on to another lifeguard at the club. A third-year college guy who had great skin she’d told me...

  “Hello? Ramona are you still there?” the male voice on the other end of the phone said.

  I perked back up, “Yeah, sugar, I’m here. And everything you told me was so darn fascinating.” The truth was, I hadn’t even been listening. It was my last call of the evening and the guy wanted to do all of the talking which was fine by me at $2.99 a minute.

  “So,” he continued, “Do you think I should take that promotion at work?”

  What?

  “Umm... sure do darlin’. I mean, how can you not take such an opportunity? Those kinds of chances don’t come around that often. It would be downright foolish not to take it.”

  I hoped I was giving him solid advice. It was quiet on his end for a few moments, finally I heard an audible sigh.

  �
��Thanks, Ramona. I think you’re right. Moving to Saskatchewan isn’t a deal breaker. If my wife refuses to go, then I guess it’s time for a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I’ll start proceedings straight away. Thanks for listening and for giving me the push I needed. Have a great night.”

  Click.

  Oh. Hell.

  I glanced at the clock. I had to meet Summer at the day spa for our monthly appointment. It was her treat so how could I refuse? We’d do the yoga thing, then the Zen meditation session, followed by a body wrap, massage, whirlpool, and a cucumber face mask.

  Afterwards, we always treated ourselves to a vegan lunch - her insistence because the only meat that ever passed her lips was the occasional dick when she was in the mood to blow her current boyfriend. Something she kind of told me was “yucky” but necessary.

  Frankly, I enjoyed giving blow jobs, but I was no expert by any means. My last relationship had ended a year ago. I’d been seeing Arthur for a couple of years. We’d met in college as study partners and the relationship had progressed to friendship, and then as fuck buddies.

  There was never really any romance involved, and when Arthur landed a managerial position in Rhode Island that was pretty much our curtain call. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the sex. It had been nice having a flesh and blood pecker pumping into me that didn’t require batteries.

  Summer on the other hand had a host of past boyfriends/lovers. Most of them semi-long term. She wasn’t a one-night stand kind of girl. But she was definitely picky. Sometimes too picky. I never saw her fall really head over heels for any of them. And she was always the one who eventually became bored or disenchanted and terminated the relationship.

  We were both sitting in the warming lumbar vibrating chairs, having our feet massaged when her cell phone trilled. “Oh crap,” she said grabbing it from her purse on the table beside us. “Oh shit, Autumn. It’s Dirk! What should I do?”

  “Umm... you’ve been wondering why he hasn’t called so maybe you should answer your phone?” I suggested giving her an eye roll.

  She nodded, tapping her screen. “Hello,” she crooned in her sing-song voice, which sounded a bit shaky on account of the vibrating chair she was sitting in. “Oh yes, I’m able to talk. Just doing a spa day with Autumn. What’s up?”

  There was a pause while Dirk was most likely telling her it was his dick that was up.

  “Oh well, I dunno. This is the one day a month Autumn and I devote to each other, you know? We finish up here and then reward ourselves with a couple of spinach salads. Plus, it is kind of last minute, Dirk.”

  She muted her phone and looked over at me. “I’ll let him grovel a bit. He wants to meet this evening at the Lizard for drinks,” she whispered to me.

  “Why are you whispering?” I asked.

  She giggled and then un-muted her cell. “Oh really? Hang on a minute, let me check with her. She muted her phone yet again. “He says he can bring his friend Heath and you’re welcome to join us?”

  Oh great. A pity invite so he can get Summer in his snare. “It’s up to you, Summer. I’m game if you want to go. Or, I can just go home. Maybe this is a date, you know?”

  “Hmmph,” she said waving her free hand at me dismissively, “He even apologized for the invite being last minute. He said he’d been finishing up some work at the station and just wondered if we wanted to hang out. I’m not going if you don’t go.”

  My twin. She might just be the one to push me over the edge. He called her to hang out. Now it’s we only because it would’ve been rude for Dirk not to include me in the invitation! So, he’s likely going to call in a marker from his friend Heath, in order to bring his plan to bang my sister to fruition.

  “Fine,” I said, “But we need to stop at my place so I can change.” No matter how pathetic his friend might be, I wasn’t about to go into the bar wearing my sweat pants and an oversized Joan Jett tee shirt that had definitely seen better days.

  Summer beamed. “We’ll be there in about an hour give or take,” she told him. “See you then.”

  Roughly ninety minutes later, Summer and I, freshly groomed and still glowing from our spa day sashayed into The Thirsty Lizard. It was only six in the evening, so just the weekend locals were hanging out, watching NASCAR or other random sporting events on one of the various flat screens sprinkled throughout the bar.

  The back room had some guys shooting pool, and a couple of people were tossing darts. I spotted Dirk right away as he stood up from the table he had claimed and waved us over.

  His friend’s back was to me, but I knew exactly what Dirk, a.k.a. Roland, was up to. He didn’t know that Autumn had his whore dog number. I was curious to see who poor sucker Dirk had to bribe to come with him for the sake of getting into Summer’s pants. Hah! He was in for a shock with my sister’s new-found sex policy. This was going to be a real LMAO moment.

  This was a double-whammy situation. Not only was I meeting my boss for drinks so he could see my twin sister’s hoo-hah up close and personal, but I had to spend the rest of the evening pretending to enjoy the company of a total stranger.

  With Summer about two strides ahead of me, I looked around the bar for any emergency exits, just in case I needed to make a quick escape. A girl was never too sure, right?

  As soon as we reached the table, both men rose to their feet and Dirk’s friend turned around, a nervous smile plastered on his face. Summer barely paid any attention to the guy, her sights clearly set on Dirk’s sexy smirk. And by sexy, I do mean man-whory. The fleeting thought of just how many women he’d lured onto his dick with that smirk crossed my mind. Maybe Ramona could ask Roland.

  Gross. Maybe even Ramona didn’t want to know.

  “Ladies, welcome. We’re glad you could make it,” Dirk said, as he took Summer’s hand and brought the back of her hand to his awaiting lips for a chaste, when-did-we-land-in-a-Regency-novel?, type of kiss.

  Summer gave her customary giggle perfectly coupled with a pseudo-shy shrug and a tilted head for the added school-girl affect. We were well into our twenties, that act needed to find a retirement home.

  “Sorry it was so last-minute, but Heath and I were planning to have drinks and I figured it was the perfect occasion to have a laid-back first…umm… double-date?” Dirk ended his statement with a question either because the word gave him an instant rash or because he was lying right out of his fire-flaming pants.

  “Oh, don’t worry about it! We were almost done, anyway,” Summer crooned, as she turned to the guy whose name was, apparently, Heath and waited for formal introductions. “Hey, I remember you,” Summer said, “You were here with Dirk the last time Autumn and I were in here. I'm sorry we weren't introduced then,” she finished with a flirtatious giggle.

  I rolled my eyes; Dirk cleared his throat. “Allow me to rectify that situation,” Dirk said, waving his hand toward Summer and me. “Autumn and Summer Dey, allow me to introduce my long time friend, and ultimately, my best bud, Heath Sparks, and I might add, don't believe a word he says about me. He knows nothing, Heath Snow.”

  “I thought you said his last name was ‘Sparks’?” Summer piped up, a quizzical look furrowed her brow. Obviously, the Game of Thrones reference fell short with Summer who never watched fiction on TV. Her only interests were with reality TV because “That’s real life.” Her words, not mine.

  Heath and I, however, chuckled and while Summer was trying to figure out why she was suddenly out of the loop, I squeezed myself in and shook Heath’s hand. “Nice to meet you, Heath,” I said, and then paused to let Summer catch up.

  “Well, I guess I missed something,” Summer replied, “Glad to meet you Heath. Thank you for allowing my sister and I to crash your Best Bud Bonding time.”

  Heath greeted my twin with none of the usual flirtatious male body language she was accustomed to and for that, I knew my sister was thrown for a loop. “The pleasure is mine,” he replied politely. “Ladies, please take a seat. Dirk has been talking non-
stop about your show, Autumn. I have to say, I've tuned in myself and don't begrudge my buddy his bragging rights on this one. Truly brilliant.”

  The ice was officially broken. Time for some alcohol.

  “What are you girls drinking?” Dirk asked, his eyes still on Summer.

  “I’ll have a glass of Chardonnay,” she said, “Kendall Jackson if they have it.”

  “You’ve got it sweetheart,” he replied turning to me, “Same for you, Autumn?”

  Summer giggled. She knew my choice of cocktails didn’t mirror hers. “Tequila shooter,” I replied, “Patron is my preference. Salt and a lime wedge instead of lemon.”

  Dirk quirked a surprised brow, but Heath slapped his hand against the table and pushed the half glass of draft beer away from him. “Damn, I knew I’d like this girl. I’ll have the same since you’re buying this round, Sexton,” he said with a crooked grin.

  “A man after my own heart,” I teased Heath. He was really a cool guy. Not the type I expected to hang with Dirk Sexton. Didn’t seem to have a shallow bone in his body.

  Two rounds later, I asked Heath if he wanted to toss some darts. I figured I’d give Dirk and Summer some time to hang out alone. And darts was my game.

  “We playing for money?” he asked

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Heath,” I said, “Come on, I’ll take you on cuz Mama needs some brand-new shoes.” Heath and I left the table and headed toward the back room.

  The tequila had definitely done the trick. I was all about having fun, whipping Heath at darts, and giving zero fucks about whatever Dirk had up his sleeve with my sister. I knew she could handle herself without my assistance. Besides, they were perfect for each other.

  He was Ken to her Barbie.

  She was Rachel to his Ross.

  Perfect together.

  Really... they were.

  Twelve

  Dirk

  I was bored out of my fucking mind.