by ANDREA SMITH
“But…I was bored out of my goddamn mind.”
Was that a gasp on the other end of the line?
“Are you okay?” I asked, worry making me stop my strokes.
“Oh, yeah, yeah, sugar. Don’t worry about me. I was upset for you. That’s horrible about S…your date.” She said and I could have sworn she’d covered the mouthpiece and cursed.
“Go on, continue your story, baby. Did you try and get fresh with her, right away? Good girls don’t like being the town pump as my Granny used to say.”
Right. My story.
“Well, no. I mean it never got to that point. I behaved well. Like a pure gentleman. So, we were kinda on a double date. I mean the two girls, who are sisters by the way, met us at a bar. Us being me and my best friend whom I had to practically bribe to go. He wanted to check that the Dewey Decimal system at his library was on point.”
I chuckled at the memory of Heath giving me every lame excuse out there to get out of going to the pub with me. Mainly because he knew my infatuation with Summer and couldn’t quite understand why I needed to drag him into my hook-up. I told him it was complicated and as my friend, he needed to do me a solid, just like I’d do him the same whenever he needed it.
“Ah!” I jumped out of my skin when Ramona screamed in the mouthpiece.
“Are…you…”
“I’m so sorry, sugar. I found my dildo…”
“Okay.”
I hated Mondays.
“Go on, sweetheart, don’t mind Ramona.”
“Yeah, so after all that, my best friend and my employee hit it off like they’d known each other their whole lives. And Ramona?” I asked, getting the courage to voice my feelings. Jesus.
“Yeah, baby. Tell me.” She breathed into the phone.
“I hated how chummy they were getting. I was feeling…something weird.”
“Sugar, that’s called jealousy. Maybe you don’t like to share your best friend?”
Hmmm, that actually made sense and I told her as much.
After giving her a rundown of the rest of the night, I told her about the ‘HRcalypse’.
The moment.
That’s when Ramona gasped in the phone and I knew I was fucked.
“That’s bad, isn’t it?” I asked. She could sue for harassment. Or worse, tell my father.
I groaned at the thought.
Fuck my life with a double-edged sword.
“You know what, Ramona?” I asked, since she was being uncharacteristically quiet.
“What’s that, sugar?” She whispered, her voice trembling. Was she close to orgasm?
“I’m going to keep dating the sister. There’s no way my employee is anywhere near my type. I think maybe it was the alcohol and yeah, the thing about my best friend clicking with my employee so quickly and me not clicking with the sister who actually is my type. I mean, yeah, my shallowness is coming through, but it’s also a good business decision. So, I think I’m doing the right thing here. What do you think?”
“I think you’re on the right track, Roland. I think you need time and not rush things.”
That was what I needed to do. Eventually, Summer and I would mesh better and then we’d have sex and I’d blow her mind as she blew my cock and the world would go back to normal.
“Thank you, Ramona! I have to go. Have a great night.” And I hung up.
It was time to call Summer and ask her out to a proper dinner.
Fifteen
Autumn
Well, well, well Roland was obviously still reluctant to peel the layers of shallowness from his psyche as evidenced by his call to Ramona earlier this evening.
I had to admit, the call had unnerved me. I hadn’t even recalled that ‘HRcalypse’ moment he’d spoken of being just that wasted. I was sure Dirk’s only concern was that I would recall it and run to HR screaming “sexual harassment!” It seemed that was becoming more and more of the social motif these days.
Right before I left for the studio, Summer called me all giddy and giggly. Apparently, Dirk had called her and invited her out for dinner this coming Thursday. She was lamenting about what to wear, when I broke off and told her I had to feed the crabs and then leave for work.
“Eww... you still dabble with those disgusting creatures,” she replied obviously aghast.
“Yep, well we all have our hobbies, Sis.”
“I guess, but ick! Anyway, I’ll be tuning into the show while I hit my treadmill. You’ll be awesome as always. Love ya!”
I was happy Dirk had asked her out on a proper date. Really, I was. But I put it all behind me as I took my place in the sound booth and waited for Neil’s cue that I was live.
“Good evening Indianapolis. I’m Autumn Dey and you’re tuned into Midnight Caller on this I-hate-Mondays night. But no worries, it’s almost Tuesday peeps! Let’s talk about our weekend, what do you say? I’m sure I’ll get calls about how much your weekend sucked donkey balls; others will call to share just how perfect their weekend went. I’ll go first, okay? I had a fantastic weekend… well, except for the hangover which sucked, but I met somebody who was pretty damn cool. It was a last minute thing, where I actually thought I was gonna be the proverbial third wheel, but much to my surprise, I met a cool guy who loved tequila shooters as much as I do, and we had a blast shooting darts, trying not to pierce a real live human being after our third or fourth shot. I don’t think I’ve had so much fun in like ... forever. So, the hangover was definitely worth it. So how about you call in and let me know what your weekend was like - good or bad, I want to hear it. We’re going to take a quick station break for local news, and then I want to see those phone lines lighting up with callers telling me what was fantastic—or horrible—about your weekend! Let’s commiserate. It’s therapeutic I promise!”
I pushed the button sending it to the news and a commercial break. Neil gave me a thumbs up, and as the news and commercial played, I was delighted to see the phone lines lighting up. Thank fuck.
After the commercial break, I pushed the lighted red button, “Who do we have on the phone, Neil?” I asked.
“Autumn, we have Summer from Indy. She wants to share her fantastic weekend with you.”
Oh, fucking great. My sister.
I hoped to God she didn’t blow my cover.
“Umm, go ahead, Summer. Tell me about it.”
“Well Autumn,” she crooned, “My weekend held a bunch of surprises. I was at the gym with my umm... best friend and got a last-minute call from a great and definitely hot guy I’d recently met. He asked me if I wanted to meet him for a cocktail. Now, I have to say, I’m pretty inflexible on last minute date invites, and I explained to said guy I was with my err, best friend. He said no problemo! He and his BFF were at a sports bar and said if we had time, to stop by. Very casual, no big deal. So, we went. My BFF and I really hit it off with both guys. I definitely see some sparks in the future! I mean my BFF is just crazy about the guy she met. I see a future there, and as far as my guy? Well, I think I might be able to whip him into shape,” she said with her signature giggle.
I nearly barfed at Summer’s assessment. Yeah, I thought Heath was a pretty cool dude, but let’s face it, he’d shown no further interest in seeing me, unlike Dirk the Dick who was anxious to plant his flag inside my sister’s va-jay-jay. I wondered if Dirk was listening to Summer’s big radio reveal. I couldn’t fathom his reaction to my twin’s use of the word “whip.” For Dirk Sexton, I’d bet my full-figured fanny he had a whole different idea of how a whip would be involved.
Summer was rambling on, and I could bear no more so I interrupted her mid-sentence. “Summer, it sounds like you had a win-win weekend. Good for you, hun, but our lines are lighting up like a Christmas tree, gotta go. Neil, who’s our next caller?” I said as I pushed the end button on my twin. All I needed was for her to go on and on and make it seem like more than it was between Heath and me.
“Autumn, we have Chelsea fr
om Noblesville. She had quite an exciting weekend.”
“Go ahead, Chelsea, tell me about it.”
“Hi Autumn... hey, by the way, I gave you a fake name, is that okay?”
“Absolutely. Tell me about your weekend.”
She gave me an evil giggle. It bordered psychotic. “Well,” she said, “I was stalking my ex and you know, he’s so damn predictable so it wasn’t all that hard to find him, you know? So, his car was parked in the back lot of his favorite meat market bar, and as luck would have it, I had this brand new can of red spray paint and---”
I interrupted her. “Chelsea, is this an ex-husband or an ex-boyfriend?”
“Does it matter?” she asked.
“Well, yes it does. If what you’re about to tell me involves any violation of a restraining order, a protection order, or pending divorce litigation, anything you say to me on this show is able to be subpoenaed in a court of law.”
There was dead silence on the other end.
“Hello? Hello? Chelsea are you still with me?”
The sound of the dial tone echoed over the air. “Well, I think Chelsea might do well to enroll in some anger management classes. Who’s next Neil?”
“Actually, we have Daniel from Indianapolis on the line. He wasn’t happy with his return on investment this weekend, Autumn.”
“Okay, go ahead Daniel. Tell me about it.”
“Here’s the deal Autumn. You chicks all want equal treatment, equal rights, continually harp on shit about being sexually harassed, repressed memories or mistake a benign hug or pinch as something more than that, so what the hell? How’s a guy supposed to know when a chick that he’s taken out three times, paid for dinner, drinks and entertainment is actually ready to cut loose with a little putang if you get what I mean?”
I looked through the glass at Neil who had his fist up to his mouth, laughing and shaking his head.
“Daniel,” I replied succinctly, “Here’s my advice. If you hang on the line, my producer Neil will give you a toll-free number where you can order a blow-up doll to cater to all of your sexual whims and fantasies. She won’t expect dinner, you don’t have to take her to the opera, and there’s no need for banal conversation. Truthfully, it sounds like you two are made for each other. Oh, and as an added perk? If you put her in the passenger seat of your car, you can use the car-pool lane on the interstate with no fear of getting a ticket. Definitely a win-win Daniel.”
I ended the call and looked through the glass at Neil as he picked up the line to give Daniel the toll-free number to Adam and Eve.
“We’re into another commercial break here peeps. Don’t turn your dial, I have a feeling we’re going to be well entertained tonight, so please stay tuned. And by all means, call into the show and share your story with me. The number is 555-WQRK. We’ll be right back after these important messages from our sponsors.”
I took my headphones off and took a drink of water. After the calls I’d taken, my weekend didn’t seem nearly as unproductive as I first thought. I only hoped that Heath had not been listening to the show. I would definitely be calling Summer out for her gushing assessment that I was crazy for Heath. My God, did my sister have shit for brains? Did she think I was that pathetic? Heath and I had fun. Nothing romantic, nothing sparking, just a great time hanging out.
Sometimes my sister was simply clueless.
Sixteen
Dirk
Sitting at my home office finishing up some last-minute paperwork for the executives, I had Midnight Caller on as background noise.
Big mistake.
Not at first, of course. Not at all.
In fact, the subject of the night was interesting, people calling in to talk about their weekend like one would with their best friend. The concept was smart, and Autumn’s voice and choice of vocabulary spoke to her generation. Not that I was much older than her but the added years could sometimes show in our differences in speech. Or maybe that was my elite upbringing. Who knew? It didn’t matter, really.
The important thing was that she was reaching the younger audience and we’d been missing them for a while now. I was winning and that shit felt good. In the short time she’d been hosting the late night show, we’d brought on four more sponsors for her time slot.
But then, the first caller’s voice sang across the line and every single one of her words had me cringing more and more. Words like “inflexible,” “future,” and for the grand prize of red flags, we had “whip him into shape.”
With every word that flowed out of Summer’s mouth and over the airwaves, I felt the unforgiving grip of fear strangle me. The fear of commitment. The fear of losing control. The fear of being trapped into something that didn’t fit my ten-year plan.
But I needed to man the fuck up. I was a grown man and commitment wasn’t a death sentence. Monogamy wasn’t a trip to the slaughterhouse. Quite the opposite if the rumors were true. Being with only one person was somehow liberating, they’d said.
“They” were all the family members just waiting for me to make them happy with crawling little half humans.
To be honest, I wasn’t afraid of commitment. I was afraid of making a mistake. Of choosing the wrong person.
I was terrified of settling. But I needed to get a grip here. We had dinner plans Thursday night. Nothing heavy. No expectations. Just our first official date. Summer was actually my type. She had her feet on the ground, was educated, had a dedicated career with a good income, and a great body to boot.
Shaking my head, I let those thoughts fade from my mind and chuckled at Autumn’s antics on the phone and realized that she was quite savvy about a lot of different subjects. Like the law, as evidenced by her swift handling of the ex from hell.
When my phone rang, I looked over and saw my buddy’s face lighting up on my screen and laughed. He’d probably heard the show and wanted some input.
“What’s up, man?” I answered without preamble.
“Dude. Sounds like I have an “in” with Autumn. Have you been listening to the show?”
“I have,” I replied tersely. “Off and on while doing paperwork.”
“That sounds boring, so you’re cool with that, I mean, if I ask her out?”
I paused, searching my mind for the previous conversation with Ramona and decided to let Heath in on my mental assessment of the situation. I was jealous. There, I’d said it.
“You don’t need my permission, Heath but I have recently realized that I have these…” I made movements with my hands around my chest, as though he could actually see me, to signify my feelings.
“These what?” Heath pressed and I pictured him pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
“You know, feelings and shit.” I finally said, rolling my eyes at the ridiculousness of the entire conversation. In that moment, I cursed Ramona for making me say those words.
“Feelings? For Autumn? I can back off, man. I thought you were into her sister.” Heath said, sounding more than a little confused.
“No, asshole. Jealous that your attention is elsewhere than on me.” Even as I said the words, they just didn’t feel right. My feelings and my words didn’t mesh and now I was even more confused.
Heath burst out laughing, the sudden raucous making me jump from the previous silence.
“What the fuck, Heath?”
“Dude, you almost had me. Jesus Crossroads, man. Where did you get that shit? 1-900-Psychiatrist?” His laughter was a steady beast punching me in the gut until he eased off and on a long sigh, asked me again, “So, you good with me asking Autumn out?”
So, was Ramona wrong? Was the feeling not jealousy, after all? Self-reflection was for the birds, I was more confused now than when I just followed my lust.
“Um, yeah. Just don’t be a dick to her. She’s a valuable asset to the station, and I don’t want you to do anything to kill her mojo,” I replied, knowing that wasn’t the case at all. Heath was a good and decent man
. He wasn’t like me. Never had been. Never could be.
“You sure it isn’t more than that Dirk?” he asked, “I mean shit, you have Summer on your hook, what are you up to? Thinking about nailing a twinsome?” He paused and then his tone changed. “Can you? I mean, are they into that kind of kink? Jesus, my inner teen would give his left nut for a twin threesome.”
I wanted to punch his face for being so crude. How dare he. Was I rubbing off on my best friend?
I looked down and noticed I was hard as a fucking rock. Apparently, my teenage self was totally on board with the scenario Heath had painted.
“Heath, there are so many things wrong with what you just said that I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Relax,” he said, chuckling. “Have you lost your edge with the ladies, man? You ready to give up your reputation?”
For whatever reason, Heath was trying to push my buttons and I had no clue what the motivation was behind it.
“Nope. I’m trying to focus on relationships not hook-ups, bro. And all I’m saying to you is, don’t try to play my game. At least not with Autumn.”
“So, you’re giving me advice?” Heath asked, still chuckling. “What is your stake in all of this?”
“Shut the fuck up, man. I already told you. She’s an asset to the station. Our numbers are up. Sponsors are growing. I don’t need you fucking all of that up by trying to get into her pants because you think you can roll that way... with her.”
“What do you mean with her?“ he asked, his tone now serious. “Because what? Because she’s not model thin or picture perfect like Summer?”
“That’s not what I said,” I growled, starting to get really pissed at my friend. What the fuck was this?
“I call bullshit on that.”
“I’m serious,” I argued. “I think Autumn is a great girl. I told Summer that very thing the other night when we made our dinner date.”
It was silent at the other end for a moment or two. “Now, do you want my take on this?” He asked, legitimately waiting for a response.
“Uh, sure.” This, I was sure, I would regret later.