by ANDREA SMITH
At nine that evening, I was back in Indy with a plan to get my girl back.
But first, I needed to know if my girl was still…well mine.
“Hey Summer…” I didn’t get very far before she started ripping me a new one.
“Dirk Roland Sexton, where have you been? Do you know how much pain my sister is feeling because of you? You broke her heart and now you’re calling me? See, this is why I never fall in love, it looks miserable.”
“Yeah, about that…I need a favor.” I said, hoping she would be on board.
“Are you planning to make this all better?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Then, I’m all ears.”
Forty
Autumn
Three weeks prior...
“H-he’s gone!” I wailed grabbing another tissue from the box my twin sister held out to me. “Just like that... h-he leffft!”
“Hush now, sweetie,” Summer said soothingly, wrapping an arm around my shoulder in an effort to comfort me and hopefully stop the waterworks. “Maybe that’s a good thing, Autumn.”
My head snapped up immediately from where I’d buried my face in a now soggy tissue. “How can you say that?” I hissed incredulously, shooting a glare over at her. “I loved him! I really, really loved him!”
I blew my nose with a vengeance, my eyes narrowing as I continued to stare at her.
She pulled her arm away from me and crossed them defensively. “Then why?” she asked.
Why?
“Why?” I screeched, “How can you ask me why? Nobody sees it coming. It just happens... you know like that song ‘Only Fools Fall in Love,’ I was a fool, a damn fool!” I sputtered, the tears spilling once again down my cheeks. I jumped up and walked over to fiddle around with my hermit crabs. All were still there and accounted for which meant I had isolated the culprit: Carlos.
“That’s not what I meant,” Summer replied quietly. “What I meant was why didn’t you tell Dirk you loved him?”
Valid question. But did I have a valid answer? I sniffled and grabbed another tissue to wipe my cheeks dry while I scrambled to find the answer. The truth was plain as day. The skinny girl had fallen in love; but the fat girl? Well she went with whatever felt safe for her heart, because experience told her that women like her don’t get men like him.
“I know why,” Summer said succinctly. “It was because you felt like he was out of your league, wasn’t it?”
Maybe that twin-to-twin telepathy thing was real even with frats.
I looked at my twin and nodded. “Can you blame me?” I asked.
Summer was immediately on her feet, her arms wrapped around me tightly. “Don’t you see how beautiful you are?” she asked sincerely. “Do you even know how jealous I’ve been of you at times?”
I glanced up at her. “Please Summer... please don’t patronize me,” I pleaded quietly.
“You just don’t get it at all, do you? Well that’s a damn shame because it is so obvious to everyone else. You have charm, charisma, an endearing personality. What about your sense of humor that is sexy as hell? And let’s not stop there,” she continued, “I would die to have your hair, your gorgeous brown eyes, your perfectly arched Scarlett O’Hara eyebrows, and at the risk of sounding creepy, your pouty lips that celebrities pay thousands of dollars for Botox injections which don’t even come close.”
I reflected on what she said and realized there was no patronization there at all. My sister was being totally honest with me, and in doing so, proved that even the skinny beauty queens have hang-ups, after all, we’re all flawed human beings in one way or another, right?
I gave her a smile. “Scarlett O’Hara eyebrows, huh?”
She returned my smile, “Yep, and I hate you for them.”
“Well,” I replied, “You have her waistline and I hate you for that, so I think we’re even.”
We hugged one another and then she pushed away and asked the question I knew was coming. “So, what are you going to do about it?”
I shook my head, “What can I do? He’s gone. He probably couldn’t stand the sight of me and went to one of the other stations.”
She walked over to my crab tank and gazed in at my pets. I knew Summer thought it was weird the way I loved and cared for my hermit crabs. “You know,” she said, “I never got these. I never understood your fascination with these little creatures, but now I totally get it. You relate to them because you understand why they need their shells to protect them. I looked them up on Wikipedia, ya know?”
“No,” I said, clearing my throat, “I didn’t know. Why?”
“Because I wanted to understand your fascination with them, I guess. But the interesting thing is they can’t survive without their shells because of their soft vulnerable abdomen, which is prone to predators if left exposed. Their abdomen is where their circulatory and reproductive organs reside,” Summer continued, as if she was reciting an article from National Geographic, “And the thing is, it reminds me of you.”
“What?” I asked, totally aghast.
Okay, I was like a hermit crab?
“It’s not what you think,” she replied hastily. “With you... it’s your heart you try and shield behind that invisible shell. But Autumn, there was no need to do that with Dirk. And I know this for a fact.”
I cocked one of my perfect Scarlett O’Hara eyebrows which triggered her to continue.
“Okay, so I’ve talked a lot about this with Heath, you know? We’re kinda getting close, but that’s a different story. I also ran into Graham at the gym.”
“And?” I prodded, not understanding where she could possibly be going with this.
“Annnd,” she said, “He had one beauty of a shiner goin’ on. So naturally, I asked him about it. It wasn’t easy getting the truth out of him, but you know me, I was on a mission. So he finally admitted that Dirk had gone all Rocky Balboa on him!” she finished, her voice full of excitement. My sister loved drama, what could I say?
“Okay, why?”
She squirmed a bit, not wanting to spill the rest, but I knew she would as I continued to glare at her.
“Umm... well, apparently, he thought by offering you the Yoga deal, he could get in my pants, but I swear to God, Autumn, that was his excuse because you are awesome and you and Dirk will kick some yoga ass on those television commercials.”
“So, Dirk was protecting your honor, then? Well now you’ve convinced me more than ever that I need not protect my heart from Dirk. Thanks, Sis.”
“No! No,” she said loudly, “That’s not all. What really set Dirk off to the extent that he made a trip to the gym for the sole purpose of punching Graham out was the fact that Graham had referred to you as fat, and Dirk --- and this is paraphrasing what he said was to never insult his girlfriend, that’s you,” she clarified, “or Dirk would put his penis totally out of business!”
“He didn’t!” I replied loudly, not hiding my astonishment.
“Oh, but he did!” she shrieked, giggling with joy. “He loves you Autumn, can’t you see that?”
“Do you really think so?” I asked, still not convinced.
“Yes, I’m damn sure of it. You’ll hear from him again. Heath and I both think so.”
“Maybe,” I said, not so sure. “Hopefully. I mean we do have that gig for yoga. I guess we’ll see.”
Three weeks later...
It had been three weeks since my sister and I had discussed the debacle which was Dirk and Autumn. Not one damn word from Dirk Sexton. So much for fucking love.
Fuck love!
I couldn’t even bitch to Summer about it because she and Heath were on some sort of insta-love roller coaster. I mean, I was happy for her because this time it seemed as if she was totally invested in Heath Sparks, and he in her. I didn’t want to bring her down with my depression and blues. Life had to go on, and I had a career to consider. It was survival of the fittest. If nothing else, Carlos, my ca
nnibalistic crab, had taught me that much.
Once I’d concluded that Carlos was indeed the culprit, I purchased another crab tank and fully laid it out with the sand, salt and freshwater pools, rocks, branches, and extra shells. And then I purchased two other, larger crabs. I named them King Kong and Godzilla. Once the crabitat was finished, I added Carlos to the mix. “Survival of the fittest,” I’d murmured placing him in the tank with the larger two. “Let’s see if we can’t all get along.”
It was time to leave to do my show, and for the first time I dreaded doing it. I wanted to crawl into my bed, pull my covers up and over my head, and sleep for a month or two. Enough time to mend this fractured heart, or so I thought.
Neil sensed my depression over the past couple of weeks. He was like a second dad to me, always trying to cheer me up, joking with me and the callers, stepping up to the plate more than he should have to during my funk period. He knew I was hurting, and he knew my hurt was slowly morphing back into pissed off. I had been going to the gym every day before work to bone up on my yoga stances. I was determined that Dirk Sexton would not one-up me on these television spots. I was the main character, pushing the theme that yoga was NOT a skinny girl activity. It was for all shapes, sizes, ages and gender, and for that, I felt it was worthy of the respect and dedication it deserved. Yoga was not for the body as much as it was for the mind and inner peace. A stress reliever; an inner cleansing of the soul. I needed that, and by God, Dirk Sexton needed that as well!
But even with that determination to one-up him once he had to come back for the taping, Night Hawk still had the blues.
I was in my sound booth, no plans for a theme tonight. I would play it by ear, and didn’t give a flying fuck how it went. I’d developed a cold, sinus infection, flu—whatever—over the last few days. I was running a bit of a fever and I felt like total shit. I’d downed a couple of capfuls of Nyquil® Severe Cold and Flu Night Time Relief Medication because I wasn’t about to ditch for a sick day.
It was cool. I had a fresh box of tissues, a bag of cough lozenges, orange juice, and water and had rubbed some old Vicks Vapo Rub on my throat. A special thanks to Cassidy for giving me the insight on this stuff. Loved the smell of it. I’d even wrapped an old knee sock around my throat and safety-pinned it to keep my neck and throat covered in order to keep the vapor in working its magic.
“You look like shit,” Neil commented as I got into the sound booth several minutes after he’d taken his place. That never happened, I mean him beating me in. “Are you okay to do the show?” he asked, concern in his voice.
“Right as rain,” I said with a giggle, followed by a raspy cough. “Can you pull some CDs?” I asked handing him a Post-It® note that I’d scribbled on. He looked at the note, and then back over at me.
“Sure,” he said with a puzzled look, “What’s the theme tonight?”
“No theme. We’re pantsters tonight, Neil,” I said, getting ready behind my console. “We play it by ear.”
Several minutes later, Neil gave me the signals, ready to go live.
Five, four, three, two, and one!
“Hello Indy! You’ve got the Night Hawk here on Quirk-99. It’s Midnight Caller time, and you know what? Today is open topic. But, I’d kinda like to hear your take on love. Doesn’t matter what position you take - good, bad, indifferent, undecided - just the whole concept of this thing which clearly is elusive and overrated in the Night Hawk’s opinion. But please peeps, don’t let that stop you from sharing your conception of it. Right now, while you’re gathering your thoughts, Neil is gonna spin one of my faves. Yeah, I’m a classic rock nut, I admit it. So here’s a tune from J. Geils Band, ‘Love Stinks,’ and may I add, yeah, yeah?”
Neil pushed the button and the beginning chords to one of the best Geils’ tunes started playing while I cracked open an orange juice, guzzling some Vitamin C.
Once the song concluded, the lines were lit up. Thank fuck, I hoped these callers made it short and sweet because I truly wasn’t sure how long my voice would hold out.
“Who we got, Neil?” I asked, my voice raspy.
“We’ve got Simone from Gary, she has her opinion on love.”
“Sounds good, go ahead Simone, the Night Hawk is listening.
“Hi there Autumn,” she said, “Thanks for taking my call. I think love is elusive. I think, oftentimes, it’s mistaken for other things.”
“What other things?” I asked.
“Well, for example. There was this one guy a couple of years back. We had this sort of chemistry, I dunno, it’s hard to describe. The sex was phenomenal. And what I mean by that is that I craved that part of it. But not much else, so I think love is sometimes mistaken for lust, does that make sense?”
“It makes absolute sense, Simone. So, what’s your take-away from that experience?”
“I think lust is fantastic. But love? Well I can’t honestly speak to that because I have no point of reference for it in all honesty. But from what I’ve seen with my friends? Well it seems to me that sex is more enjoyable and love is a complication.”
“Thank you for your honesty on this, Simone. I kinda see your point, I think.”
“Neil, who is our next caller?”
“We have Natalie from right here in Indy, and I think you’ll like her perspective on love.”
“Right, go ahead Natalie.”
“Hi Autumn, I’ve been listening to your show from the get. I love your voice, your heart, and your humor. But I haven’t heard that lately, so I have to ask if you don’t mind, does Night Hawk have the blues?”
She caught me off guard. Was it that obvious? But there was more to it than that. I was blue, but I was also kind of pissed. If Dirk had really loved me then why did he leave? Why had he not even contacted me to fire me or yell at me, or tell me he hadn’t lied to me? I felt myself getting choked up. Damn cold medicine!
“Umm... Natalie, that’s a great question! When I have the answer, I promise I’ll fill all of my listeners in, okay?”
“Take care, Autumn. We all love you.”
“Thank you, Natalie. Thanks to all of you. Let’s hear my next tune. Neil, how about some Adele. A perfect song I think, ‘Set Fire to the Rain’.” Keep listening, I’ll be back after the song.”
I pushed the button to send it to the song right before I got a sneezing fit.
“You okay?” Neil asked from the producer’s booth watching me.
“It’s just this damn cold, flu whatever,” I lied. It was more than that. Who was I kidding?
I listened to the lyrics of this song which was so perfect for the way I felt about Dirk. My eyes watered, and I sneezed a couple more times before my cue came that I was once again live, open for callers. God I so wanted this night to be over.
“We’re back listeners. I’m fighting a bug it seems, so sorry for the nasally voice, but it’s early still, so call in if not with your take on love, but a song that maybe you relate to your own feelings on love. We’ll be back after this quick station break. I have to blow my nose, so hang with me.”
Neil sent it to one of our Slather® ads which did nothing to improve my mood or emotions. I made a quick trip to the bathroom to splash water on my face. My cheeks were a bit flushed. I had a fever going on for sure. My eyes were glassy and my nose was running like a sieve. I thanked fuck Dirk wasn’t in town to see just how pathetic I looked.
I went back to the booth and put my headset on. I could see several of the lines were lit up, and Neil had a shit eating grin going on. What was that about?
I sneezed again, my sinuses were now totally under siege. I was losing this battle of the flu, I could tell. He gave me the cue, and then my voice which now sounded like a foghorn spoke into the mic. “I’m back Indianapolis. We’re talking about love, or requesting songs that you relate with love in your own life, you’ve heard my choices so far. Who do we have first, Neil?”
I watched Neil lean into his mic, the grin still going
. “Autumn, we have Roland, who’s just recently returned to Indy. And he specifically has a song request which I promised I’d play right away, and then his next request is for you to go home, take care of that flu, and he’ll see you soon, whatever that means,” he finished with a wicked little chuckle.
What the hell?
I didn’t have much time to mull it over in my head before the first few chords of a classic hit the airwaves of Quirk-99, from the legendary, late great Percy Sledge.
When a man loves a woman, can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else, he’d trade the world for a good thing he’s found...
I ripped off my headset and immediately jumped up from behind the console, looking at Neil. He got up from his console and came to the door separating our sound booth from the production booth. “I have my orders, Autumn. Dirk is back. He knows you’re sick. He wants you home in bed. I’ll play the ‘Best of Midnight Caller’ for the rest of the segment. He says no argument, and that he will see you on Tuesday morning at Steele’s Gym for the taping of your television spot. He’s going to see Graham tomorrow for the run down.”
“But... “ I croaked, my voice clearly giving out.
“No buts, babe. Boss’s orders. Feel better.”
I didn’t have the energy to argue. I grabbed my stuff and left for home. Thankful to be going there, and terrified of facing Dirk in three days.
Forty-One
Dirk
Everything was ready. I had plans and wasn’t afraid to implement them. Ramonagate was over and my unwanted “vacation” had cleared my mind and given me the perspective I needed to make rational decisions. Yes, I know. Just like an adult.
Go me.
The new plan was officially named MAMA—Make Autumn Mine Again. Freud would have a field day with that one, for more than one reason.
Having spoken with Graham about the details of this yoga performance, I found it refreshing he was as docile and polite as a purring kitten. His claws were still there, and he was an asshole at heart but he knew his place when it came to respecting the woman I loved.