“I don’t know, Meadow. You still took his call.”
“Because you told me to take the call and then you walked away acting like a jealous asshole,” I scream and poke him in the chest.
“You then went on a date with him the next day. What did you want from me, Meadow? You made your choice.” His voice cracks and I can make out the hurt swimming in his eyes.
“Maybe it was a mistake on my end. Maybe I shouldn’t have ever brought Julian into the equation. I’m to blame for that. But maybe if you sat down and actually asked about Julian or used your head maybe we could have talked, but you kind of forgot about him being your friend too and I found that kind of disgusting.”
“He wasn't good for you and he was fake anyway, so I did know better.” He smirks. And there's the cocky asshole coming out to play again.
“So, if I can't have Wes or you…then who am I supposed to date?”
“I don't know. I figure I’ll know when I meet them.”
“You’re such an ass. So I'm supposed to be single till you pick my prince charming? Thing is I want you...or I did…hell, I'm not sure anymore. Because all you seem to do is rip my heart open again and again.” My chin quivers and my voice breaks from the unshed tears that I’m doing everything in my power to contain.
“That’s not what I’m trying to do.” He steps towards me, reaching out for me and I instantly step back. I can't have him touching me right now.
“Isn’t it though? I told you I loved you after karaoke. I know I was drunk, but so were you. I figured maybe you would be honest again like you were on my birthday. And again, you admitted to me you couldn’t love me.” My voice raises and his eyes bulge as I declare the biggest secret of all. “I know it has something to do with Wes. Maybe in your mind you still have to work something out with his death. What, I don't know. So, I decided to let it go. I called the whole thing off with Julian and I thought maybe, somehow, we could work through these Wes issues you have or whatever is going on. Our friendship is more important. I mean I had been dealing with these feelings for a year, what was a little bit longer, right? But you had lunch with Kayleigh. Then you defended her to me. I couldn’t even look at you. Then today. I don’t know Dex, maybe I don’t know you after all.”
“Wait, wait back up. Your birthday?”
I chuckle dryly. “You know not everyone gets blackout drunk and forgets like you do. There was a reason why I was so mad at you and throwing shit around for days, Dex. Do you not realize how much it killed me when I realized you forgot we had sex?”
His mouth opens and closes like a fish, and he stumbles backwards a bit in his state of shock. “What do you mean we had sex? We had sex?” His voice croaks and his hands fly to his hair. “Oh my god, Meadow. I’m sorry.”
“Why?” I snap, feeling the blood in my veins boil and about to blow. “We had a pretty good time. I mean you did at the time. You told me that you were in love with me. In love with me! We both proclaimed our love for each other! This is so much deeper than you think! Then the next thing I know, you're telling me, 'you can't, 'you can't,' before you passed out. The next morning, you clearly had no memory of it because you acted normal, like nothing ever happened between us! Maybe I should have stayed in bed with you so you could remember our night together. I was so scared that you would reject me if I had spilled it out to you. So as I said, I thought it would be fun to help you see that you did love me, which is why I flirted, and the main reason I brought in Julian. I was hoping it would click the memory banks and you would become like a possessive man and claim me as yours, but it didn’t work. It’s my fault. But I ended up being right because if I had told you, you would have rejected me.”
“I’m sorry, Meadow.”
“Stop saying that!” I screech.
“The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. You know our friendship means everything to me. What can I do to fix this? I won’t bring Kayleigh. That was stupid and I'm sorry.”
“This isn’t about Kayleigh anymore, Dex.”
“Then what. What can I do?”
I swallow the hard lump now piled in my throat. It’s now or never and it might be a little unfair, but it needs to be done and I need to know for myself.
“I think this is your chance now. I know how you feel. How you truly feel. I know what's holding you back and I can understand it in a way. But this is it, Dex, now or never. Do you or do you not love me?”
He closes his eyes and is silent for a moment. I know he wants to say something, but what comes out of his mouth pisses me off more... “I don't deserve you,” he mumbles.
“That’s not what I asked you!” I snap. “I asked if you loved me.”
“Meadow…I...can't… it wouldn't be right.”
“For who?”
“For Wes. For You.”
"Wes isn't here! And me? I'm in love with you, damn it! There's something between us, Dex. Something more! Why do you keep on fighting it?" I seethe and wonder how Wes can be held over our heads at this point! He's gone. Though he'll always be a part of us, I don't know how we'll ever heal if he's like a ghost looming over us, never letting us go, never letting us move on.
“Doesn't matter and if you can't get that, that's where the problem is.”
I look up to the sky trying to keep my tears from falling. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I can't do this anymore. My whole body is trembling, and I feel as though I'm about to be sick. Around us, I feel the walls of our friendship start to crumble. They're no longer the strongest of concrete that had always held us together. They aren't going to be enough to make it through this storm we're going through right now.
“You're right. I don't get it. At least from your point of view. I thought I did, but obviously, there's something I'm missing and you won't tell me. Thing is, I don't think I care anymore.” I suck in all the pain, all the hurt, and then blow it out. There’s nothing left inside my heart, it’s hollow. Dexter Greene emptied what was left of me. “Fine. I accept now that you can't love me. It is what it is. At least now I know for sure.”
Dex rubs his wrinkled forehead, “Listen, Meadow, I’m sorr—”
“Stop!” I hold my hand up. “Just stop. I’m going back inside to tell everyone I have a headache. Then I’ll go home. Don’t worry. I’ll have them move Julian and maybe myself.” I spin on my heel needing to get away from him, away from the devastation he caused my heart.
This is why they always say you never cross the line from friends to lovers because it’s almost impossible to turn back. How do I forget Dex took my heart and disintegrated it into ashes?
I enter the restaurant, not even caring that my face is a mess and that I’m crying. Our parents are going to ask a hundred questions and I have no answers to give them. All I know is I have to get out of here. I need to be alone with my broken heart. When I get to the table, Joy and my mother quickly stand and without a word, my mom gathers me in her arms. “What happened?”
“Not here. I need to go.” I wipe my face to rid the residue of my tear stains. “And can you please move Julian back to where he was with our friends. We’re not dating. There was some miscommunication.”
“I knew it,” Joy says coming in and rubbing my back. “I know that couldn't have been...Is that what has you so upset, sweetie?”
I don’t say anything, but there’s no denying anything to the two women that I consider my mothers. One biological and the other God-sent. Not that they couldn’t smell something wrong between me and Dexter the second we walked in the door.
Plus, look at me. I’m a hot mess.
“I can talk to him, hun. That boy has been jealous of the mention of you and Julian since he found out. Also, I was hoping this would push him…I didn't expect him to get a date. He’s always been stubborn!”
“Joy!” my mother admonishes.
“What? He's in denial.”
“What are you girls going on about?” Thomas says leaning back in his chair, sipping his water. “Why don’t you al
l sit down? You’re drawing attention”
“No, I have to go.”
“Honey, what is going on with you two?”
“Nothing that we can't work out. We always do. It'll be fine, I’ll be fine.” I try to convince them, but it's my heart and myself that I’m trying to convince. “But can you guys email me everything else that needs to be handled by next weekend?”
“Of course, sweetie. Do you want me to come with you?” my mom says gently.
“No, I need to be alone right now.”
“Okay.” My mom smooths my hair back and when I look up, I see Dexter walking in. He looks as bad as I feel, with his hair standing on all ends and the top of his blazer unbuttoned.
“Don’t be too rough on him. All of this is not his fault.” I give both women a small smile and pick up my purse. “I’ll talk to you guys later.”
I step away from the table and as I breeze past Dexter his fingers brush my arm. I’m mildly disappointed when he doesn’t say anything, but what did I expect—he can’t.
He can’t.
Chapter Ten
Dexter
When Meadow walks past me, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a look of pure crumbling devastation on her face—at least, not since Wes died. The vacant eyes, the tear-stained cheeks, her quaking shoulders, I did that. I hurt her. Ripped her heart out, like I did that night seven years ago when Wes died, all because of me.
But I did the right thing.
She has to know a relationship between her and me isn’t something that can ever happen.
Then why does it make me feel like shit? To know I lost the best thing and the most important person in my life.
“Dexter William Greene! What did you do to her?” my mother hisses quietly, with her hands on her hips. She’s trying not to grab the whole attention of the restaurant, but she still manages to make a few heads turn from the tables around us.
“Mom, I…” I have no idea what to say or how much information Meadow gave them.
“Joy, leave the boy alone.” My father interrupts and I thank god for his peace saving efforts.
“I want to help.” My mom sits back in her chair and Valerie nods agreeing to the assessment. If I don’t get out of here soon, they’ll both have me under the bright lights of an interrogation room till I confess.
“No, you want to dig for information because Meadow didn’t give you all of it.” He chuckles. “But right now it’s obvious he needs to go after her.”
“Actually, I don’t know about that.” I disagree. If I don’t tell her what she wants to hear right now, Meadow Lexington might chop me up into little pieces.
I slept with her and I don't remember. Right there is enough for her to have my balls. Much less that I didn't tell her I loved her back.
“Well, either way, you're no good to us. And I’m saving you from your mother and Valerie. Now go.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
With a quick goodbye, I hightail it out of the restaurant. When I get to my truck, my head falls back on the headrest as I replay the events of today. It’s as if a tornado came roaring through and exposed every secret and pent up emotion we've been hiding. Now there's this huge mess left to clean up.
The place I need to start at and uncover some more truths is with Julian. I pull out my phone and find his contact, stabbing each letter into the keyboard as I text him.
Where you at?
We need to talk A.S.A.P
I'm thankful that his reply is instant.
Julian: I’m at the office.
What’s up?
I’ll be there in ten.
Julian: Dude,
what’s going on?
It’s about Meadow.
Julian: I see. Alright.
See you in ten.
Pulling out of the lot, I head down the highway to my office building on South Street. The whole trip, I try to process what the hell I'm going to say to him, but the only thing I can think about is the soul-crushing look on Meadow's face. I barge into SJD designs and race down the halls lined with glass walls of our offices. When I reach Julian’s, he's busy drafting at his desk.
I clear my throat, and cross my arms over my chest, widening my stance in front of him.
Julian throws down his pencil and rocks back in his chair when he sees me. “Do I need to have security ready for this visit? Or do you come in peace?”
“I want to know why. Why would you fuck with me like you did?”
“I see she finally told you everything.”
“She did. Now tell me!” I bellow, and I hand it to the motherfucker when he doesn't flinch.
“Because it’s as clear as day you both are in love with each other and you needed help to fucking see it.” He shrugs, not giving a fuck that he went behind my back.
“You should’ve told me.” I pound my fist to my chest.
"Give me a break, man. It was clear as day to everyone else how you both felt about each other. Because trust me, you wouldn't be here sulking and upset if you didn't feel the way that you do." He smirks like he's not affected by any of this. Like he's proud of what he did.
“You shouldn’t have stuck your business in it.”
“Maybe not, but she came to me. The girl is hopelessly in love with you and felt stuck. She told me what happened on her birthday.”
“She told you!” I hiss, shaking my head. “I don’t believe this.” Did she go around telling everyone about my drunk ass sleeping with her and then forgetting? Way to boost up my self-esteem and make me feel even more like an ass.
Thanks, Meadow.
“Listen, she didn't do it to be spiteful. Believe it or not, I was being her friend and Meadow had her own damn worries about everything. About you rejecting her because of something to do with Wes? She said that you said that you can’t love her?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. Hearing those words out loud from someone else is bizarre. Though it doesn't make them any less true.
I can't love her, not in the way she wants me to. Not in the way that I want to.
“She thought you needed to see it. I swore in the office after our “first date” when your head was about to explode you would have taken her from me then, but you didn’t. So what the fuck is going on? You should be wherever she is, not here with me.”
“I’m trying to make sense of everything. But also because she’s right, I can’t be with her.”
“What?” He scoffs, pushing back from his chair and stands. “That’s fucking bullshit! Why the fuck not?”
“It’s not bullshit. It’s the fucking truth. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.” He rounds his desk and inches closer to me.
“I don’t have to explain anything to you. I only came here wanting to know how someone that was my friend could do what you did.”
“Because you need someone to fucking help you.” He jabs his finger in my chest and I knock it away. But it doesn't shut him up. “You love that girl and for some damn reason you’re being stupid and not allowing it.”
“Because you don’t get it. You don’t fucking get it!” I shout and in an instant, Julian’s nameplate goes flying across the room and clatters to the floor.
“Then make me get it, dude!” Julian grabs my shoulders and shakes me like a disobedient child. “All I’ve been fucking doing this whole time is being yours and Meadow’s friend. That’s fucking all. Let me do that. Tell me what the fuck is going on. Because obviously, this is bigger than actually not loving her.”
I pry his hands off me and shove him back. My fingers push through my hair as I collapse into the chair in front of his desk. The fight in me leaves and I suddenly feel drained. “You're right…” I mumble.
“Just tell me, Dex. What the fuck is going on with you?”
With a heavy sigh, I realize I came here to start cleaning up a mess. Secrets are what put Meadow and me in this disaster in the first place and I'm holding onto the biggest one of all.
“You
know what I think about most of the time when I look at Meadow…” I pause, my elbows falling to my knees and I tug on my hair till it hurts, wishing I could pull out all the strands. “Every time I look at her, I remember that she should be happy with Wes, with like a hundred babies. Because thanks to me I killed the ending she was supposed to have with him.”
“What?” Julian plops in the seat in front of me, frowning. “What are you talking about? How is Wes’ death your fault? You guys were hit by a drunk driver.”
“We were, but if I hadn’t been such a dick to him and brought Meadow to that party in the Valley to spite him when he asked me not to, we wouldn’t have been on that road in the first place. I missed hanging out with my best friend alone, so Meadow and I got trashed. Then when it ended, we were left with no ride. There were no cabs or anyone available to take us back. My only option to get home besides calling our parents was Wes….and I kind of wanted to say 'fuck you' to him.” My eyes close and my lips tuck in from the sharp knife piercing in my gut knowing that was the main reason for it all.
I wanted to show him that I could still do whatever I wanted with Meadow even though they were dating, that she was my friend and I could take care of her too. We could have fun and she would be okay under my watch while he was in college. Though, under my watch nearly got her killed and ultimately did kill Wes.
“So you see, we wouldn’t have been there if he didn’t come and pick us up because I was being an asshole. I don’t deserve her because I fucked up everything she could’ve had. She could’ve had everything. The perfect fucking life.”
“Dex...you can't possibly—”
“It doesn’t even matter,” I snap, cutting him off. “Loving her is betraying Wes. I also took his life away from him, you know. He loved her so damn much. It was freakin’ sickening some days. Now I feel like a bigger tool knowing I slept with her. More so that I don’t even remember it. I used her. Wes would definitely kick my ass because I would kick my own. I hated any guy that couldn’t compare to Wes. I made him that promise before he died that I would take care of her and that was to keep her away from low lives that would only use her.”
The Love Plan Page 11