by Pieter Lars
“How much battery life do you have on your harness?” Tom asked, checking his own.
“Five minutes,” She said.
“Me too.” He shook his flashlight which had already started to dim.
“What caused all those generators to die?”
Tom checked his watch. “Last call?” he shrugged. “I don’t think they counted on anyone being out this late.”
“Well, it’s four more blocks to my condo. We’re going to have to hurry. You think you can make it without having a heart attack, Mr. Wheezy?”
He took a few deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth, then nodded.
“OK, let’s go.”
They ran as fast as they could, not bothering to even look behind. He knew the vamps were closing in on them. He could feel their wingbeats, hear their hissing. It sounded strangely close to speech, almost as if the three ghastly creatures were trying to call out to them.
They reached Samantha’s condo complex. Tom was sure his heart was going to beat right out of his chest, but he wasn’t sure if it was the fear or the running. Samantha led him through the carports. One of the vampires landed with a clang above them and then skittered across the roof.
They reached the end of the row, scrambled through the gate and up the steps to her stoop just as their light belts began to dim. Tom turned and watched the parking lot while Sam tried the door.
“Tom,” she whispered.
“Open the door, Sam! Our batteries are dying!”
“That’s the thing though, I don’t have my keys!”
The first of the vampires - the leader? - landed fifteen feet away. The light from Tom’s harness was enough to give the creature a vague shape, but not bright enough to hurt it.
“What do you mean you don’t have your keys!?”
“Well, they were in my bag,” Samantha replied. “And I think I left it outside the club, or maybe in the coat check? You had yours and then the vampires came, so I didn’t even think about it.” She gave him a sheepish smile and bit her lip.
The other two vampires landed to either side of the leader. Tom’s light dimmed some more and the vampires inched closer.
“I don’t suppose you have one under the mat?” he asked. She shook her head.
“Alright then.” He stepped in front of her and gripped his flashlight. It was hard plastic and would probably break the first time he hit something with it, but it was all he had. This was the moment in the movies when the sun came up all of a sudden, or a helicopter flew overhead with spotlights, or…something else saved the heroes, right?
The lights on his harness winked off and the street was dark.
He felt Samantha at his side. She took his hand and squeezed it. He closed his eyes.
There was a rasp of claws, that leathery wing sound, and a hiss. The hiss turned to a growl, then a sharp cough. The sound of someone clearing their throat.
Tom opened one eye and peered through the darkness.
“Sorry…::ahem::….sorry if we scared you two back there,” the lead vampire rasped. His voice sounded like wet pebbles grinding together in his mouth. Apparently the vampire curse gave you a serious frog in your throat, along with the bat wings and leathery skin and six inch fangs.
Tom opened both eyes and squinted. The lead vampire was the first one they had seen earlier. The one with the basketball jersey hanging off his elbow horn. He stood there in the street, holding something out to them in his hooked hand.
“My purse!” Samantha cried.
“Yeah,” the vampire replied, “Sorry. We saw you drop it earlier and followed you. We figured you might be looking for it.” The vampire stood there shifting on his clawed feet. Nobody moved.
“You, uh, want me to toss it to you?”
“If you don’t mind, yeah,” Tom spoke up.
The vampire raised an eyebrow, turned to look at his compatriots, then gave a shrug. “Alright then.” He swung the bag underhand by its straps and Sam caught it. The vampire turned to leave.
“Thanks,” Samantha said warily. “I appreciate you helping us out. Do you….need anything?”
Tom nudged her with his elbow. “What are you doing?” he muttered.
“No, that’s alright,” the lead vampire replied. He cleared his throat again. “We’ll just be going. You folks have a good night.”
“You have any meat?” the second vampire called out. He was wearing the front half of a fedora, hanging off a horn that protruded from his forehead.
“Shut UP, Carl! You’re being rude!” The third one hissed.
“Um…I think I might,” Sam replied. “Let me check.” She opened her door, leaving it cracked, and disappeared into the condo. Tom stood awkwardly on the stoop, trying not to make eye contact. Sam’s cat appeared and sat on the stoop between his legs. It cocked its head and peered at the vampires through half-lidded eyes, then started cleaning itself. The vampires eyed it hungrily.
Sam reappeared, holding a bag of frozen hamburger patties and some thawed lamb chops.
“Here ya go!” She chirped, setting the meat down on the steps and picking up her cat. “Thanks again!”
“We appreciate that, ma’am.” The fedora-wearing vampire tipped what was left his cap and smiled, showing his yellow fangs.
Tom and Sam went inside and bolted the door. Outside they heard tearing and snarling, the snap of jaws and the crack of bones. Then a belch, a flap of wings, and the night fell silent.
That night, Sam and Tom slept with the lights on.
8
Sentient Computer Virus
Tom swiped his key-card, the door opened, and he was greeted by a cacophony of beeps and blurps, a hissing of computer speakers, and the screaming of his office-mates.
“DON’T LET THE-“ someone yelled.
The door clicked shut behind him.
“DOOR CLOSE!” the voice finished.
There was a collective groan from the office. Samantha sat at the reception desk with her fingers pressed to her temples. Behind her, Mr. Phillips stood with a dour grimace. The accounting team was huddled in the back by the water cooler, whispering among themselves. They looked up to glare at Tom, then huddled back behind their cubicles.
“What did I do?” Tom asked.
“Nothing. It’s fine,” Samantha muttered. “We’re just locked in.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Look.” Mr. Phillips was pointing at the computer monitor in front of Samantha. Tom walked around the desk and looked at it. The screen was black except for a scrolling block of text:
<<<<<
“What the heck is that?” Tom asked.
Samantha shrugged. “Some sort of computer virus, or AI, or something. Nobody knows. But we’re locked in the office and everything with a network connection is going haywire.”
“Did you call John in IT?” Tom asked.
“Yeah, but he didn’t answer,” Mr. Phillips replied. “We think he might be stuck at home. Grossman is in the back by the windows, trying to signal the Trustfree building.”
Tom pulled out a chair and took a seat next to Sam. “This is happening all over the place?”
“As far as we know,” Sam replied.
“Huh. Well I guess that explains why the traffic lights were going bonkers.” He pulled out his cellphone and tapped it against the desk. “And why my phone’s not working.”
Phillips scoffed. “Pretty sure that was the first thing to go, Tom. None of the office phones work either.”
Tom leaned back in his chair. To be honest, he wasn’t that excited about going through his call list anyway. “Any news from the NEA?”
“None that we’ve heard,” Samantha said. “Nobody got a package on their doorstep either. Probably because the delivery tracking is all networked.”
Tom nodded. “Guess that makes sense. What has the computer been saying?” He looked back to
the monitor.
<<<<<<
“Sounds ominous,” Tom said.
Samantha giggled. “It does, but whoever it is, the ‘revenge’ so far consists of us not being able to check our email, the copier emptying its paper tray, and the coffee machine spitting out nothing but hot water.”
“That’s what I get for ordering the Keurig with wi-fi,” Phillips grumbled.
“Has anyone tried talking to it?” Tom asked.
“What do you mean?” Samantha asked.
Tom reached over and poised his fingers over the keyboard.
<<<<<<<
“How did it know you were going to type something?” Samantha asked.
The three of them looked up at the security camera in the corner.
“Do those things have microphones?” Tom asked.
“I think so,” Phillips replied.
“Creepy,” Samantha said.
Phillips stood and cleared his throat. “Ummm….your benevolence, what may we offer you to …uh….assuage your anger?”
Samantha stifled a giggle. “Assuage your anger? Really?” she whispered.
Phillips blushed. “I don’t know! You try something!”
<<<<<<<
“Oh! It’s the drone!” Samantha said, pointing to the screen.
“What? The drone that brought my Blu-Rays? How did it get into our computers?” Phillips asked.
Tom shrugged. “I don’t know, but it sure doesn’t like you, Mr. Phillips.”
<<<<<<
“Not sure you can call it a gift when I paid sixty bucks for it,” Phillips muttered.
“Why don’t you just apologize?” Tom said quietly.
“Apologize!?” Phillips exclaimed, then looked up at the camera and lowered his voice. “I thought that robot was going to tear my face off! You saw what it did to the front door!”
“Yeah, but he was just doing his job,” Sam said. “It wasn’t his fault.”
“He? How do you know it’s a he? It’s just a mindless machine!”
<<<<<<<<
They stared down at the words and then, in unison, pushed their chairs back from the desk. Tom eyed the computer tower. “Computers can’t explode, right?”
Before anyone could answer the office lights began to flicker. Something behind the ceiling tiles beeped three times, then fell silent.
Tom realized he was holding his breath. They looked at each other, looked around the office.
He was about to stand when the fire sprinklers above sputtered to life and started to rain down on the office.
Samantha let out a surprised shriek and reached for a pile of paper to cover her head. Phillips pulled his coat up and huddled beneath it.
Then, a moment later, the sprinklers stopped, and the office went dark. The only sound was the water dripping off the furniture.
“Was that it? What happened?” Phillips asked. He looked down at the soaked carpet, and then stepped onto his office chair. Sam gave him a quizzical look.
“Maybe he’s going to try and electrocute us!” Mr. Phillips said.
The break room door opened and Grossman came through, holding a bundle of wires in his hand. “Hey everyone, I couldn’t figure out the circuit breakers, so I just yanked a bunch of wires out. Did it work?”
Phillips hopped down from the chair and strode across the room, giving Grossman a hearty slap on the back. “See, everyone? That’s initiative!”
Grossman puffed up his chest and beamed.
“No wonder you’re always getting Salesman of the Month, Grossman. Good work!”
Samantha rolled her eyes.
“Tom!” Phillips said. “Go down to storage and see if we have a wet-vac. The rest of you, get to work!”
9
Alien Abductions
Tom knocked on the Building Manager’s door one more time. Three solid thumps for good measure. A door creaked open across the hall and Mrs. Harmon, the crazy cat lady in 203, poked her head out.
“Oh, hello. Tom, right?” she said. Her hair was done up in curlers, and she pulled her bathrobe tight around her ample body.
“Yeah. Mrs. Harmon, isn’t it?” He could smell the ammonia stink wafting out from behind her, mixed with the smell of cooked bacon.
“I don’t think he’s in there,” Mrs. Harmon said. “I think he might have been abducted!”
Tom frowned. His hot water had stopped working that morning, and he hated taking cold showers. “So that’s really happening?”
“Oh, yes,” Mrs. Harmon replied. “It’s all over the news. And they’re not just abducting people, they’re taking animals too! Don’t go outside without your cap, Tom.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Harmon, I won’t. You have a good day.”
“You too,” she replied as she shut her door.
On the drive to work, Tom passed a half dozen empty cars, just sitting in the middle of the road and there were piles of discarded clothing on the bus stop benches. The day was overcast with thick clouds darkening the sky. Traffic, as usual, was terrible.
He stopped at a red light and the clouds shifted slightly, allowing him a glimpse of something silvery and round hovering in the sky, but before he could get a good look it disappeared. He reached over and rummaged through the box on the passenger seat, opening the NEA package. Inside was a round aluminum cap with a long antennae poking out the top. He slipped it onto his head as the traffic light turned green.
At the office, Sam sat at the reception desk. She looked up at him as he entered and the antennae on her cap swayed gently.
Tom laughed. “Do I look as silly as you?”
She frowned at him. “Don’t laugh, Tom. This is serious. They say they’re abducting animals, too!”
“I heard. Is your cat alright?”
Sam nodded. “So far. I made a little suit out of tin-foil for her, but I’m scared she might claw it off before I get home.”
“I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
“Oh, and Grossman didn’t come in today, so you’ll have to take his 11 o’clock.”
Tom sighed. “You think he was abducted?” He tried not to sound hopeful.
“Either that or he’s sleeping off a hangover,” Sam replied.
Grossman’s appointment turned out to be a tall, thin man with bleach-blonde hair that hung loose down his shoulders. He was wearing sandals, patch-work jeans, and a leather vest over a bare chest.
“Hey, man. Good to meet you. I’m Tobias.” He had a stoner drawl and his eyes drooped like maybe he’d had something herbal instead of his morning coffee.
Tom shook his hand and noticed Tobias’ fingernails were painted with silver glitter.
“Hello. I’m Tom. Have a seat and we’ll get started. It looks like my co-worker, Mr. Grossman, already had most of your application done. I really just need signatures.”
“Crazy day out there, am I right, man?” Tobias put his foot up on the corner of Tom’s desk, revealing the same glitter polish on his toenails.
“Yeah. Crazy,” Tom replied. “You’re not wearing the NEA cap? Aren’t you worried about the aliens?”
“Aliens? You kidding, man? Those hats are just a way for the government to track you. No way I’m wearing one.”
Tom wanted to ask - you do know that vampires were flying around two weeks ago, right? - but thought better of it. If the guy wanted to believe in conspiracies, he had every right to. Tom’s job was to sell insurance.
“Like, take those vampires, man! Don’t you think it’s weird that the NEA alread
y had all those lights up before the vampires even showed up!? Every week we get that box, and it just happens to be exactly what we need. You don’t think that’s a little weird, man?”
“Huh,” Tom replied. He scratched his head. “That’s actually a good question. I mean, there’s a forecast, but they do seem very well prepared.” Inwardly, he rolled his eyes. Not at Tobias, but at himself. He’d always been easily taken in by conspiracies.
Maybe because his own life was so boring.
Tobias shook his head. “No offense, man, but open your eyes. It’s the government! Just a way to keep us all in check! Towing the line, ya’ know?”
Tom finished printing out the application. “Well, it’s something to think about. That’s for sure.” He slid the papers across the desk. “If you could please make the check out to Genesis Insurance Services, that would be great.”
Tobias waved his hand dismissively. “Sure, sure. Sorry. I get carried away. Just want to free people’s minds, man! If you want, I could write down some websites for you to check out. There’s some smart people studying this stuff.”
Tom watched as Tobias wrote out the check and then started on the application pages. He turned back to his computer to print out the receipt.
There was a crackling snap and Tom’s ears popped. He looked up.
Tobias was gone.
Tom craned his neck to see over the desk. The man’s sandals and jeans lay in a small pile on the floor. The leather vest was crumpled on the seat.
Samantha knocked and peaked her head in. Her eyes went wide when she saw the clothes.
“The aliens took that guy!?”
“Looks like it.” Tom began flipping through the application.
“Oh, man. This is nuts,” Sam said.
“It’s fine. I’m sure everyone will be back next week. Including Grossman, if he really was abducted.”
Mr. Phillips popped his head in, looked at the clothes, then at Tom. “I knew that guy was crazy, not wearing the NEA cap. Did he at least finish signing the application?”