by Tillie Cole
Resolved, I moved to his bed, and careful not to touch his skin, set to the task of unthreading the ties. When the last ripped piece of linen dropped to the floor, Flame’s body immediately folded in on itself, curling into a small ball in the middle of his bed.
When I stepped back, I could not help but think that, lying like this, he appeared to be a small child. So broken and afraid.
I stood there for several minutes, wondering what could have happened in his life to make him this way. Then my eyes drifted around the rest of the small cabin, and I set to cleaning. I needed to help him in some small way. And I could clean. I could not do much, but I could do that.
Everything was in disarray. The biggest culprit—bloodied rags, dried and littering the floor.
I made quick work of picking up all the litter, then came to a standstill when I reached the only clear area in the room, the only place not cluttered with things. Glancing down, there was a trapdoor built into the floor. I bent down to inspect the scratches and dried blood staining the wood. I could smell the bucket before I got to it, and unable to stand the smell, decided it would be the first thing I cleaned.
A few hours later, the cabin was clean and tidy, and I was preparing the ingredients for soup. Just as I had begun to chop the vegetables, an agonized cry cut through the cabin.
Dropping the chopping knife, I fled from the kitchen and ran into the open bedroom. Flame was writhing on the bed, his fingernails raking at his arms. His back was arched, his body facing the side, his hips rocking back and forth as though someone was behind him… as though…
My stomach dropped, caving into an empty pit at what the position of his body portrayed—Flame pinned down, someone behind him, someone...
No…
And he was screaming in pain. Unable to stand what I assumed was happening in his head, I ran round to the far side of the bed. Flame’s face was scrunched up in agony. His eyes squeezed shut as he panted through his mouth. Then I looked down. He was excited. His manhood was erect and pushing against the material of his leather pants. Yet as excited as he appeared to be, the pain on his face, and the toe-curling tortured cries streaming from his mouth, told me he was anything but.
He was trapped.
He was trapped in his mind.
Reaching the head of the bed, I stood back and called out, “Flame!” His body thrashed still, so I inched closer. “Flame!” I tried again, but the cries from his lips were coming stronger, drowning out my voice.
Rushing to the very edge of the bed, I lowered my head and cried out “Flame!” for the third time.
This time Flame’s body bowed, his eyes snapped open, and on a loud roar, he leapt from the bed, his large hands landing on my arms. Flame’s huge strength pushed me backwards, until my back slammed against the wall, knocking the air from my lungs.
His fingers dug into my arms bringing tears to my eyes. I looked up to find his black eyes boring holes into mine. This was not the Flame I knew. This was killer. The Hangman with the blades.
With gritted teeth and a low growl of rage, his calloused hands began to move toward north. My stomach shredded when I realized he was going for my throat. He was going to choke me.
He meant to kill.
Closing my eyes, I tried to think of what would calm him down. But his hands had reached my shoulders. I racked my brain, searching for an answer, when all I could think of was what calmed me.
My entire body shook with fear, but I managed to inhale a deep enough breath to desperately sing, “This little… light of mine, I’m… gonna let it shine. This little light… of mine, I’m gonna… let it shine. This little light of… mine, I’m gonna… let it shine. Let it… shine, let it shine… let it shine…”
Flame’s hands stilled on the side of my neck as the words trailed off to a complete stop. His breathing was strained, the warm crackled puffs of air flowing over my face. I was frozen to the spot. But then his hands began to shake profusely, and as I forced myself to open my eyes, I was faced with two lost inky pools staring at me in confusion. I held my breath, as Flame’s eyes rapidly flitted from side to side. And then I saw it, a flicker of recognition jolting him from the darkness possessing his mind.
On a shocked hiss, Flame staggered backwards until he crashed against the far wall and he slumped to the floor. His hands lifted in front of his face, and he stared at them as if he could not believe what he had just done.
His hands lowered.
His lips shook.
And as those tired dark eyes filled back up with life, he paused in breathing, then whispered, “Maddie…?”
Chapter Eleven
Flame
I was in the Punishment Cellar and he’d come for me. I was in the darkness; I’d been there for a long time…
Above me I heard the hatch open. He jumped in beside me, the pale light from above making it easy for me to see the blade in his hands.
He stank of alcohol. And I could hear him breathing heavily. I heard him unbuckle his belt. I closed my eyes when he began to walk toward me. This time he didn’t give instruction, he just turned me round, removed my pants, spread my legs, and pushed against me.
I gritted my teeth when the pain came. My fingernails scraped against the walls, as I tried not to cry out. Then came the blade, scraping down my back. I felt the blood begin to pour; I felt better. It still hurt, but he was freeing me from the flames, from the evil within. He said he was taking the evil from my flesh.
He grunted in my ear and his breath washed over my face. It stank of the alcohol he always drank. It made me feel sick. But I couldn’t be sick or he would get angry.
Then he moved faster. It hurt more and more. My hands trembled against the wall, but he didn’t stop. He kept on pushing harder, the blade slicing along my skin, freeing the flames. Then he dropped the blade and his hands gripped my hips, fingers digging in deep. I hated him touching me. I had evil in my veins, and it took her from us. He’d told me it was why she was gone—because of my touch. That the flames within me infected her, making her think evil thoughts… making her do that sinful thing that left us alone together.
I tried to breathe. I tried to open my mouth, to tell him not to touch me or he would be infected too, but he slammed into me one more time, shouting in my ear as he pressed me against the wall.
I waited for him to move, not wanting his chest to touch my back. He staggered back and I dropped to the floor. I glanced round. I could see him standing, looking down at me. His fists were clenched. Automatically, I covered my head with my arms. He normally hit me. He would get angry after he took me, saying it was needed for my soul.
Suddenly, he spit at me, the wetness hitting my cheek. “You evil fucking retard!” he snapped, and kicked out his foot, hitting me on the leg. “It’s your fault she’s gone. She couldn’t stand that she’d created you.”
My heart hurt at his words, feeling like something was cracking inside. I hadn’t wanted her to go. I loved her, she was kind to me. I didn’t want to have the flames in my blood. But I couldn’t get them out. I tried to scratch them out. But no matter how much blood fell to the ground, I could still feel the flames underneath my skin. Burning fire scalding my flesh.
Then my baby brother began to scream. I hated his screaming. It hurt my head. I lifted my hands to put over my ears.
“Fuck!” he shouted, then pushed open the door to the house and climbed out, slamming it shut to leave me trapped inside. “Shut your mouth you little cunt!” he roared at my brother. But my brother just screamed all the more.
I rocked on the spot, humming to try to block out the sounds. But I could still hear the screams, I couldn’t block them out. Dropping my hands, I held out my arm and clawed at my skin. I had to get the flames out. If I got out all the flames he would love me. And he wouldn’t shout at the baby. And the baby would stop screaming.
So I clawed at my skin.
I clawed until I felt blood running down my arms.
Until I could feel the flames comin
g out…
“Flame?”
I gasped for breath and opened my eyes. My hands were on my head and I was rocking against the wall. But there was that voice again…
Maddie. The voice belonged to Maddie.
“Flame? Talk to me.” Maddie insisted. Then I remembered my hands on her skin. On her arms… on her neck.
“No!” I was going to hurt her, then… This little light of mine, I’m gonna shine…
I recognized her voice. I heard her voice. In the darkness, I heard her voice. My eyes stung when I heard that voice in my head… when I heard her sing.
“Flame?” Her voice was closer now.
I could hear footsteps on the floor, but my head was full. I could hear screaming, I could hear the baby screaming. But I couldn’t touch him. And she’d gone. Because of me.
Then he’d come to me, night after night…
“Flame, look at me.” Unable to do anything else, I looked up and blinked away the water blocking my sight, the images fogging my mind. They cleared when I saw her. When I saw her green eyes.
But when I looked behind her, I could see him walking forward. Anger ripped through my chest. He couldn’t hurt her. He couldn’t touch her, like he did me. I could see his eyes on her.
I had to make him go. He had to go.
My hands pushed off the wood beneath me and his attention snapped to me.
“Flame?” Maddie whispered, as she scurried backwards.
“No!” I shouted. She was moving nearer him. And he was removing his belt. My heart dropped when I saw his hands undoing his belt.
I staggered across my cabin. I needed to get to the hatch. I needed to save her. She’d been hurt enough. I couldn’t let him hurt her too.
My hands dropped to the button on my leathers and I hurried to undo it. But my hands were weak, my body wasn’t reacting right. When I looked behind me, he was following. I pulled my leathers down and off my feet, and heard his voice. “I’m gonna take the sin from your body, from your flesh, boy.” I sat down over the door, my chest hunched forward as I lowered my hand to touch my cock. It was hard. I was ready for him. Ready for his pain.
Looking around me, I searched for the knife. It was lying beside me. Picking it up, with him towering over me, I moved my hand on my cock, stroking back and forth. The blade of the knife struck at my flesh and I counted. “One…”
He stood behind me, his chest pushing against my back. I could feel him pushing inside. The pain always felt like it was too much, but I needed it. He’d made me need it.
I counted on.
Something moved before me, and I looked up, my heart beating too fast. Maddie before me, her hand over her mouth.
I worked my hand harder, needing to come. When I came, he left. Then he would leave Maddie alone. He pushed his cock against me harder. Striking the blade across my stomach, I screamed “Eleven!” and came on the hatch. The vomit came quicker this time. In seconds I leaned over the bucket at my side and emptied my stomach. But nothing came up. My head pounded and my vision became hazy when I pulled back.
Unable to remain sitting I fell over to lie on the hatch. Then I heard heavy footsteps walking away. I knew he was leaving the cabin. But I knew he’d be back… at least he was gone for now. I breathed as deeply as I could manage, but the skin across my chest stung, making it difficult.
A sniffing sound made me freeze. Blinking, I looked up at Maddie. She had dropped to her knees and now, she was just a few feet away. Then I felt an ache in my chest when I saw tears falling from her eyes. Her bottom lip was trembling and her hands were clutched in her lap.
“Flame,” she whispered when she saw me watching her. “Why did you do that to yourself?”
I wanted to move closer to her, but my body was too weak. I was so tired. Maddie shuffled closer, until she was almost at my side. She wiped at her cheeks, then asked, “Answer me, Flame. Why did you just hurt yourself?”
My mouth felt sore, my lips barely able to move, but Maddie had asked me a question and I wanted to answer. “He came for me. To release the flames, the evil. I saw him behind you, so I had to protect you. I… I had to protect you.”
Maddie stilled. I saw her throat swallow. “Who came for you?”
I thought of the man in my head—dark eyes and dark hair. “Him,” I replied, my skin crawling at his image in my head.
Maddie frowned still. “And he comes for you? To do… that?” she asked, her voice catching slightly as she spoke.
I nodded my head, then I laid my cheek to the floor. I was tired.
Maddie eyes dropped to stare at her hands. I stayed watching her. Her long black hair was touching the floor as she sat down. It was my favorite part of her. Except for her green eyes. And her small hands. I always thought of her small hands.
“I like your hair,” I said as I stared. Maddie’s green eyes lifted. A blush coated her cheeks and my stomach tightened at the sight. Every time I looked at her, my stomach clenched. And when her eyes looked at me like they were doing right now, my heart always raced. The pulse in my neck always beat faster.
“Thank you,” she whispered, and I caught her full lips hook up at the side. It made her look even more beautiful than I already thought she was.
The room became silent. Maddie took a deep breath and told me, “I like your hands.”
A feeling of heat suddenly filled my body. But it wasn’t the flames. This felt different. My muscles weren’t burning. My skin wasn’t crawling. It felt… strange…
… I frowned. Maddie had liked something on me? No one had ever liked me. No one had ever commented on how I looked. I forced my hand to move. It felt like a dead weight underneath me, but I pushed it out until it lay flat on the floor in front of me. I studied the colored tattooed skin, flames covering the entire thing.
“Why?” I croaked, and glanced up to still find Maddie watching me. “Why do you like my hand?”
The blush on her face deepened. But her eyes were watching my hand as it lay on the floor. Suddenly, Maddie moved. She began to lie down, mirroring my position. My heart fired off like a cannon, when she lowered her head and pressed her cheek to the floor. Like this, she was looking directly into my eyes.
“Is… is this okay?” she whispered.
I nodded my head and replied, “Yeah. Just…” I tried to hold back my panic, and said, “Just don’t come near this hatch. Don’t… don’t touch me.”
“I will not,” Maddie confirmed quietly. The hand resting near her head inched forward in my direction. I stopped breathing as I thought she was going to touch me. But her hand stopped about an inch from mine.
I wondered what she was doing, when she said, “I like how your hand looks next to mine. It is so big and mine is so small. Yet I feel they look compatible.”
I focused on our hands and noticed that my hand was bigger than hers. Maddie’s little finger then extended, landing right next to mine. I thought of ripping my hand away, but something stopped me. I didn’t want her to touch me, because I didn’t want her to be hurt. My touch only ever caused people to be hurt. But I left my hand where it was, our little fingers staring at each other.
“I sometimes imagine what our hands would look like... touching. What they would look like with our fingers intertwined. I wonder if it would make me smile. At times I daydream that it would be something we could do.”
Maddie’s voice was so quiet as she spoke. I couldn’t take my eyes off our hands. I tried to picture in my head what she described. I saw her hand reaching out for mine, but then I thought of how it would make me feel, and I shook my head.
“Our hands can’t ever touch. I can’t… I couldn’t do it.”
Maddie’s lips pulled into a half smile, but water filled her eyes and her voice hitched.
“Why are your eyes filling with water? Why is your voice breaking?” I asked, confused. I had to understand what she was thinking. What she was feeling. I didn’t know, and I had to.
“I am sad, Flame. It makes me sad to know th
at we can never touch.”
The muscles in my stomach pulled tight with the knowledge that I’d made her sad. Then that warm feeling I’d felt cooled and I no longer felt good. “I don’t want to make you sad. Not you. I just can’t be touched. It makes the flames worse. I can’t touch you.”
“It is okay, Flame,” Maddie said in response. She looked up at me and added, “Because I cannot be touched by a man either. But I dream about it regardless.”
I took a deep breath as I looked around my cabin. It was different. My things had been moved. It was clean. And… Maddie? No one ever came inside. But Maddie was inside now. And she wasn’t running away. No one ever wanted to stay.
They always left.
I was always here alone.
“Why’re you in here, Maddie?”
Maddie’s body tensed, as she replied, “You have not been well and I came to try and make you better.” Her head tilted to the side and she asked, “Do you not remember?”
I tried to search my mind, but all I could hear were screams and shouts. I could hear bullets. Then I could feel people tying me down.
“I don’t remember. I just woke up to you. Woke up tired but seeing him standing behind you. And I had to save you.”
Maddie stared at our hands and whispered, “You always save me.”
“I have to.”
Maddie stopped breathing, then asked, “Why?”
I searched my head for the answer, then said, “Because I think about you all the time. You look at me in a way no one else does. I think about what those men in that fucking cult did to you, and I can’t stand it. I need to make sure no one touches you like that again. And…” I sucked in a breath seeing an image in my head.
“And what?” Maddie asked.
“And you touched me,” I hushed out. In my head I saw her wrap her arms around my waist in that commune. “And I touched you back. And you weren’t hurt by me. The flames didn’t burn too hot under my skin at your touch and make my head full of noise.”
“And I did not fear you,” she replied. “I fear a man’s touch. I find it abhorrent. But not yours. I wanted to embrace you that day. I needed to. Even if we cannot ever embrace again.”