by Tillie Cole
The door to Styx’s cabin opened. Styx and Ky walked out. Their faces lit up when they saw Flame standing beside me, every inch the Hangmen, as he stood in his leather pants and leather cut, his scarred bare chest and torso on show.
“Fuckin’ Flame!” Ky called and began clapping. Styx smiled beside Lilah’s husband. The two men approached and Ky stood in front of Flame. “You doing good, my brother? Y’all were going through some fuckin’ crazy shit for a while there.”
Flame took his blade from his belt and ran his finger down the edge. This was his tell that he was anxious. Ky, not receiving an answer, turned to Styx. “Church, Prez?”
Styx nodded, then walked to Mae and crushed his lips to hers. Mae melted in his arms. Ky then did the same to Lilah, and without conscious thought, my gaze drifted to Flame. As always, he was watching me, but this time, his nostrils were flaring, and his blade was running along his wrist. Panic flared within me. Something was troubling him in his head.
“Flame, let’s go. Got a shit ton of brothers that’ll be fucking relieved you haven’t checked out on us for good.” Ky’s voice snapped me back to the moment and I cleared my throat.
Flame glanced to Ky, then to me. I forced a smile to hide my trembling legs. Those kisses… Flame’s intense stare...
“Maddie?” Flame rasped, and I noticed all around us had gone silent.
Hating the attention, I stepped closer to him. “Return for me after your meeting and we shall go to your cabin. You still need to rest.”
Flame nodded once, and joined Styx and Ky who were already walking away in the distance. But he looked back. He looked back eleven times. Eleven. I counted.
“Maddie?” Mae’s voice made me look her way. Her face wore an expression of worry and she said, “Go back to Flame’s cabin? You are to stay with him further?”
“Yes,” I said feeling embarrassed by too much focus on me.
The sound of a gentle cough sounded, and I heard Beauty say, “Well, I gotta get to the shop and open up. Busy day ahead.” I kept my gaze down as she said her goodbyes to Lilah and Mae.
“Sarai, darlin’. I’ll bring you by the shop soon, okay? Get you out in the world more.”
“Thank you,” I heard Sarai say in return.
Moments later, I looked up and Mae and Lilah were stood together watching me. Heat surged through me and I asked, “What? Why do you stare at me?”
Lilah’s eyes widened at my sharp retort. “We worry for you, Maddie. Because we love you.”
Some of the venom left my body and I said, “You do not need to worry. I am fine.” Neither said anything to me, but I continued. “Yes, I am to return with Flame. He needs me.”
The tension from my sisters’ clear disapproval thickened around us. I kept my attention to the ground. I would not be moved on this. They did not know Flame as I did.
Lilah eventually moved to sit down and I saw Mae do the same. “Maddie, join us?” Lilah asked. Spotting the free chair between Mae and Lilah, I took a seat.
“Maddie, we are to accompany Sarai to church this afternoon. Would you like to join us?”
I lifted my head and glanced across to Sarai. Her young face wore a hopeful expression as she looked to me. “Mae and Lilah have told me of your church. That it is pure and does not share the same beliefs as The Order on women and our duties. I should very much like to see such a place. Right now I cannot comprehend it to be real.”
My stomach tightened seeing such disbelief on her face and, sitting forward, I said, “I would love to come with you. Pastor James is a lovely woman. She will show you what we have found of faith outside of the commune.”
Sarai’s blinding smile could have lit a dark room. “Thank you,” she said with tears in her eyes. She then got to her feet, drawing all attention. “I shall go and rest if we are to leave this afternoon.”
“Okay,” I replied and watched as Sarai walked off into the cabin.
Seconds passed as Sarai left us alone, then I suddenly blurted, “What does it feel like?”
I kept my focus on my busy hands in my lap, feeling my face heat with embarrassment, when Mae asked, “What, sister?”
Lifting my hand to my lips, I ran the fingertip along the plump flesh. Flickering my eyes to Mae, I asked, “To join lips. To kiss.”
Mae’s eyes flared widely then darted to Lilah. I heard Lilah getting up from her seat and she moved to sit down on the warm grass at my feet. Her hand pressed to my knee and her blue eyes were filled with questions.
“It is like nothing else,” Mae said, prompting me to watch her face. A secret smile had ghosted upon her lips and her breathing quickened. “It is one of my most favorite things to do in life.”
“And you, Lilah?” I asked shyly.
“Everything,” she admitted with a subtle rasp in her voice. “Because I never dreamed that I would ever have a man that loves me for me. But Ky does. He loves me more than I think I deserve.” Lilah’s hand lifted to run down her scar. “Even when I hurt myself, when I cut my hair, he still wanted me. And when he kisses me, it is my confirmation that I won his heart. That he is mine. For life.”
Lilah’s hand squeezed my knee, and with a cautious expression, she asked, “Why did you ask, sister? Is this something that you have been thinking of… of trying with Flame?”
I lowered my head, just simply trying to breathe, and confessed, “I fear it is something I shall never be able to do.” I composed myself and added, “I find myself dreaming of kissing Flame. I dream of him touching my face and bringing me to his lips. And in my dreams I have no fear. I do not fear his touch. And I do not fear that I have never been kissed before. Because Flame keeps me safe. There is no fear to be had in his presence.” I brought in a long breath, and felt my heart crack. “But the reality is that I fear his touch, though it is newly craved by a part of me I felt had died. I am afraid of what feeling another man’s hand on my bare skin would evoke. Of the memories I have tried so very hard to move past.” I looked first to Lilah, then to Mae and held her gaze. “What if Flame’s touch suddenly became Moses' in my mind. And what if I became trapped there again? Unable to speak through crippling fear? Would a simple kiss be worth it then?”
My vision became focused on Lilah’s pretty face and I huffed a humorless to myself. “Flame, I fear, has been hurt more by a person’s touch than even I. I do not think he will ever be able to lay his hand over mine, let alone kiss me.”
Mae sighed, and brushing a piece of hair from my face, said, “You deserve to be loved, Maddie. And I know I did not suffer as brutally as you did, nor did Lilah or Bella, but Lilah and I have found men who enabled us to move on. To find life-long happiness.”
My lips trembled. “I do not think Flame would ever be able to be that way with me.”
“Then is he truly the one for you?”
Taking Lilah’s hand I pressed it over my chest. “That beat, that new lease of life pounding within my chest? It is his. The awakening of my heart belongs to Flame.” I steadied my tears.
“Maddie,” Lilah whispered. Shifting to her knees, her hands on the side of my head, she kissed my forehead. “I do not know what will happen in the future, but I am grateful that Flame has brought out this possibility in you.”
Lilah sat back down on the floor and Mae sat back in her seat. Then Lilah said, “When I make love to Ky it is not anything like what we endured at the hands of those men. He is kind, and gentle, and I do not think I could feel closer to him at any other time than when we are joined.” I tensed at her words. Lilah cast me a watery smile and continued. “It is the physical manifestation of what I feel in my heart.” Lilah inhaled, never breaking our gaze, then she expressed a wish. “I hope one day you can know what that feels like. And I hope when you do, you feel nothing but happiness. Happiness without fear.”
I did not say anything in response.
Chapter Sixteen
Flame
My brothers were already waiting in the meet room when we arrived. Styx and Ky entered
first, and I followed. When I did, Hush and Cowboy were first to their feet.
“Fuck, Flame!” Cowboy exclaimed as he drew to a stop in front of me. “You’re back!”
I flicked my chin at his smiling face, then Hush said, “Glad you’re okay, brother. You scared the shit out of us for a fuckin’ minute back there. Never seen anyone cut up like that before.”
My jaw clenched, as I tried not to think of the woman getting shot. Of that fucking baby crying, and of the little boy sitting on the sidewalk. Tank’s huge body suddenly moved before me, welcoming me back. Then Bull, Smiler, and finally, Tanner.
Tanner dropped his head and ran his hand through his beard. “The woman survived. I hacked into the hospital records and checked. Her kids too.” Relief rippled through my body.
“Thanks,” I said and he shook his head.
“I should’a known the Klan,” He paused as he gritted his teeth. “My fuckin’ old man, was gonna pull a stunt like this. And I can’t trace what the fuckers are gonna do. Nothing is happening on their in-house system, which means it’s all verbal. My old man knows I’d find out their plans in a fucking hot minute if it was on a system somewhere. The cunt’s playing smart.”
AK and Viking entered the room just as Tanner walked away. Viking held out his arms. “Have you heard the news? The fuckin’ Psycho Trio is back in business!”
The sound of Styx’s gavel hitting the wood of the table cut through the noise of congratulation. Ky gestured to the seats. “Sit down, ladies. The quicker we start, the fuckin’ quicker it can end.”
We all moved to our usual seats, mine in the middle of AK and Vike. Styx sat at the end. His hands lifted. I pulled out my blade. Ky started talking business, but all I could see was the blade that I’d pressed to my skin. I ran it over and over the tattoos of my flames. I could feel the burning, the fire bubbling underneath, but as I went to cut, I thought of Maddie’s face. The blade paused and I took a deep breath. I wanted to cut, I wanted to get the flames out. But thinking of Maddie kept them calm. It made them sleep.
Gripping the handle in my hands, I held it down on the table, and when I looked up, it was to find a shit ton of eyes all watching me. I shifted on my seat.
“What the fuck are you all looking at?” I hissed, fisting my hands by my side.
Ky shook his head, and spoke for the brothers. “Nothing.” His eyebrows pulled down. “You good?”
“Yeah. Why the fuck wouldn’t I be?”
Ky shook his head, his palms in the air. “No reason. Just checking in.”
My hand reached for my blade. This time I pushed it against my skin. Blood trickled down my arm, but I didn’t feel shit. Because it was Maddie’s face in my head again, Maddie telling me she wasn’t leaving me.
“AK, Vike, you’re on a two day run,” Ky’s voice said. I looked up.
“What about Flame?” AK asked. “We always go together.”
I watched Styx sign as Ky interpreted. “The brother’s still grounded. He might be doing good, but he’s not going on no fucking runs. We had to cover a shit ton of tracks when the Klan attacked on the last drop off, and our brother here went nuclear. Hush and Cowboy’ll be going with you instead.”
AK leaned forward. “You okay with that, Flame?”
I glanced down at my knife drawing blood, then felt real fucking good about Prez' decision, because it meant I could stay with Maddie. “I’m good with it,” I replied. AK eyed me weird then sat back in his chair.
I caught AK look to Viking, who mouthed, “The little one.”
My eyes snapped up to meet Vike and he flashed me a smile. “Just saying you like being with the little one. To talk. Or stare at her. Or whatever the fuck it is you do.”
“Vike! Shut your fucking mouth!” Ky called from the back and everyone refocused on Ky. “Now. Any other business?”
No one spoke, and my feet itched to get back to the cabin. “Good,” Ky said, “Gotta get back to the missus.”
A cough sounded beside me, and Viking coughed, “Pussy”, under his breath.
The brothers started laughing. Ky pointed his finger at Viking. “Brother, the day a piece of ass has you pussywhipped, will the best fucking day of my life.”
Viking’s red eyebrows danced. “It’ll never happen, VP. I got a fucking anaconda under these leathers and there’s no way he’ll want one pussy for the rest of his life. He likes variety. Lots of wet and tight variety.”
“Anaconda, my ass,” Tank said from across the table. “It’s a fucking worm at best.”
Viking jumped to his feet and began unzipping his leathers. “You want me to fucking prove it, brother?”
Styx slammed the gavel on the tabletop. All the brothers made quick work of getting the fuck out of the room. Tank headed out first, and Viking ran after him. “Tank, get the fuck back here now! Got a fuckin’ certain someone that wants to meet y’all!”
The room emptied and, grabbing my knife, I stood. AK blocked my path. “You sure you’re okay with skipping this run? The old Flame would’a spilled blood about being benched from the road.”
“The old Flame didn’t have Maddie.”
AK’s eyebrows shot up. “You owning that shit now?”
“She owns me. That’s all that fucking matters.”
AK sighed and ran his hand down his face. When he dropped his hand he looked me dead in the eye, and asked, “Can you handle this shit, brother? Can you handle giving her what she might want from you?”
Fury built and with gritted teeth, I said, “It ain’t like that. I wouldn’t… she wouldn’t…”
“Can you keep the flames down? Can you keep your shit together when things don’t go the way you want? ‘Cause Styx will fuck you up if you hurt her.”
Feeling the flames ignite under my skin, I twitched my head and backed AK against the wall. Lifting my knife, I sliced my blade down my arm needing the flames to be let loose before it got too much and I tore off AK’s head. AK just stood there and let it happen. The minute the blade sliced into my flesh and the blood ran free, I met AK in the eyes and hissed, “I won’t fucking hurt Maddie. I’d die first. She stays with me always. In my cabin, by my side. And no fucker will be taking her from me.”
“She’s moving in with you?”
“She’s mine,” I snarled.
AK’s chest almost pressed against mine and I jumped back, knife in hand. “Flame, you’re sounding really fucking insane now. More insane than usual.”
“I need Maddie,” I spat out. Then seeing her face in my head, seeing her smiling, I lowered my knife to my side and added, “She’s in my head all the time.” I looked up at AK, and confessed, “I slept. With her beside me, I can sleep with no demons in my head. And she sings to me. To me. No one’s ever sang to me before.”
AK dropped his head and hushed out, “Fuck, brother.”
“I need her.” I tapped my head. “In here, I need her.” Then I bounced my fist over my heart. “And here. I feel her in here too.”
AK’s shoulders rose and fell, then he said, “You didn’t cut yourself at the table. You always fucking cut yourself at the table.”
I stared at him, not saying shit, and he nodded his head. “The little one, right?”
My eyes fell to my arm dripping with blood and I swallowed. “She calms them. With her, they don’t burn. I sleep, they’re calm… I can’t be without her.”
“Fuck,” AK said again and clicked his fingers to make me look up. “You listen to me, Flame. You fucking listened to me when you were a scrawny lost seventeen year old kid, and I need you to listen to me now. You fucking lose it, you come find me. You freak the fuck out again, like you did on the Chechen drop off, and you find me. The little one fucking wants to be around you when most bitches would be running a fucking mile in the other direction. That’s a fucking big deal for you both. You don’t have to be a fucking genius to work that shit out. And I don’t want you to hurt her, or you, again. Because if you hurt her, Styx will kick your ass out of this MC, and we b
oth know you need us. You won’t do so well outside on your own. So we have a deal?”
I heard his words. I knew I couldn’t hurt Maddie, but I agreed anyway.
AK blew out a breath. “I hated seeing you that far gone, brother. I ain’t got any idea what set you off, and I’m pretty fucking sure you ain’t gonna share, but it’s damn good to have you back.” He smiled and said, “Need you back in the trio. Viking’s a fucking nightmare on his own.”
“Someone say my name?” Turning to the door, on cue, we saw Viking coming through zipping up his leathers.
“Mention the devil and he’ll fucking appear,” AK muttered as Viking threw his arm around AK’s shoulder. AK looked at the hand lying on his shoulder and said, “That hand better not have fucking just touched your grass snake.”
Viking pulled his hand away and punched AK on his arm. “It’s a fucking anaconda, and you know it.”
AK flicked his chin, ignoring Viking. “We okay, Flame?”
Gripping my knife tighter in my hand, I could feel skin twitching. I needed Maddie. I needed her right the fuck now.
“Flame? We good?” AK repeated.
“We’re good,” I replied, then turned and left the room.
Passing through the club, I never looked at the brothers prepping to go on drop off. Instead, I burst out of the back exit and hit the dirt road that led to Styx’s cabin.
Quickening into a run, I cut through the trees to where Maddie had last been. Mae and Lilah were sitting on chairs: no Maddie.
My eyes searched the clearing but Maddie wasn’t anywhere in sight.
“Where’s Maddie?” I asked.
“She has gone to wait for you at your cabin,” Lilah said.
I backed away and broke through the line of trees. I ran until my cabin came into view. I pushed the door open, my eyes immediately finding Maddie at the only seat I owned, next to the large living room window.
She was drawing again. She’d changed clothes. This time wearing a sleeveless white dress. And her long black hair was tied back.