by Tillie Cole
“Flame,” I whispered as his touch ignited sparks between my legs.
“Maddie,” he groaned in response, moving the finger to the other breast, repeating the action. I felt on fire as he explored, and I was lost. Lost in his gentle touch—the most gentle of touches.
Then, as Flame moved closer still, I felt his lips press a kiss to the corner of my mouth as his hand traveled south. Turning my head, I caught his searching mouth with my own, just as his hands fell to my hips, his fingers hooking the side of my undergarments.
I stilled against warm lips, as Flame’s hands pulled my undergarments down my legs. Still connected at the mouth, I looked up to see Flame’s eyes closed and his nostrils wide as he breathed in slowly.
Then as if feeling my stare, those beautiful eyes opened and a redness filled his cheeks. Feeling my undergarments at my feet, I stepped out of the material and shuddered at my reality. I was naked, with a man.
Just as fear began creeping in, to assume its familiar hold, Flame’s hands cupped my cheeks and he pressed his lips so softly against mine. His hips pressed in further, and I could feel the evidence of his excitement pressing against my thigh.
Then murmuring against my mouth, Flame whispered, “I want you, Maddie. I want you so fucking much…”
Spurred on by his confession, and the burning desire building between my thighs, I ran my hands down over his broad chest, over his torso, and down to the waistband of his leather pants.
Flame hissed, but his hands were locked in my hair, his eyes watching me as I slowly released the top button.
His jaw clenched as my trembling hands travelled down to the zipper. Finding the metal tab, I pulled it down, feeling warm hard flesh hit my hand.
This time Flame did move. On a loud groan, Flame’s head snapped back and his teeth gritted together. From this distance, I could clearly read a dark tattoo on his gums, the one that read ‘PAIN’.
Faltering in my touch, I went to withdraw my hands, when Flame’s hands tightened in my hair. “Keep going,” he ordered. “Maddie… keep going…”
Swallowing at the guttural tone of his broken voice, I continued in my task. Hooking my hands into the waistband, I slowly pulled the leather material down, the pants falling to pool at his feet.
We both stilled. We breathed as we both now stood bare, completely bare for one another. Flame’s head fell forward. His lips were trembling under the shadow of his beard, but I could see the desperation in his eyes.
Leaning forward, I whispered nervously, “We can do this.”
Choking on a moan, Flame nodded his head, and stepped out of his leather pants. Fear held me captive, standing flush against Flame. But I forced myself to step back, and when I did, my heart and my hope soared.
Flame stood before me, all thick muscles and tattoos, with his manhood erect and flushed. But what took away my breath was the fact that his looming presence did not fill me with dread and fear. Because this man before me, the one my soul loved, was my safety. The man with whom I could only ever be this free and trusting.
The man who was mending my fractured soul.
Backing away further, my legs hit the soft mattress of the bed. Pressing my hand down onto the cool linen, I climbed on the bed, and lay down. Flame stood in the center of the room, looking as nervous as I felt. I held out my hand, and meeting his eyes, whispered, “Come to me, Flame… please…”
With a tensed body, Flame shuffled forward until he sat on the mattress. We lay down in our usual positions. Only there was nothing 'usual' about this time. About this moment right now.
Laying my head against the pillow, I inched my hand forward, my palm flat to the mattress beside Flame’s head. Flame, watching every move I made with flared eyes, mirrored my movement. A smile pulled on my lips, and crawling my fingers forward, I lay my hand over his and sighed at the connection.
Flame’s eyes closed, and when they opened, he shuffled further forward and slid his calloused hand around my waist, pulling me against his chest. I gasped as my bare breasts met the hard muscles of his wide chest.
Our stares held, until Flame leaned in and stole a kiss. His lips crushed to mine, and in seconds his tongue pushed into my mouth. I met his tongue with my own, groaning at the too heady sensation of my bare skin flush against Flame’s and our hot mouths fused.
On a low groan, Flame’s hands pushed me flat to the mattress, and he rolled his large body over mine. A cry ripped from my mouth as I broke our lips apart. Panic was coursing through my body, the feel of Flame’s too strong body bringing back painful memories, until my frantic eyes focused on his handsome face, and I immediately calmed.
A tear slipped from the corner of my eye. Flame leaned down to capture it on his lips. My heart raced at such a sweet act coming from such a powerfully-built man. Then I made myself calm; this was Flame. This was my Flame.
Relaxing into the mattress, my unsteady arms lifted to lie on Flame’s shoulders. At my touch Flame relaxed too, and I could feel his hard length pressing against my thigh. But this time I felt no fear, just a simple need to be joined, in every conceivable way.
Flame’s eyes were repeatedly squeezing shut, and his head had begun to twitch. I knew this meant he was just as nervous as I. Only, he did not know how to express it.
Running my hands up his neck, I threaded my fingers through his hair. Flame exhaled, and when he met my eyes, I asked in a quiet voice, “Are you ready?”
Flame’s eyelids pulled down, lines marring his forehead and he confessed, “I’ve never done this before. I’ve never been with anyone this way. Only with, forced by…” he trailed off as his huge arms began to shake. My heart lurched when I knew what he was telling me.
“Shh…” I soothed and stroked his hair. “I am the same. Because I too have never done this before. Not like this. Only with you. Only ever with you.” I swallowed back threatening tears and whispered, “Only ever because of you…”
“Maddie,” Flame said. I cried as a tear dropped from his eye. Leaning forward, I kissed away the salty drop, exactly as he had done with me. Chasing away the demons of our pasts.
For several long seconds we breathed in the same air, until I pushed myself to move my legs, to open my legs for Flame. Flame’s jaw tightened as his length fell between my legs at this small movement.
I could feel the fear, the nerves threatening us both. The air crackled with fear and tension. Running my hand down between our stomachs, my fingers met Flame’s length. I stilled as my hands wrapped around it and Flame groaned aloud. Then I saw it in his eyes, the sheer need, and lowering his head to mine, I murmured against his lips, “Make love to me.”
Flame moaned and his hips moved forward. I directed him inside me, and my mouth parted on a quiet gasp when he pushed gently inside.
Our bodies were trembling as we hung on the precipice of becoming one. Then as Flame’s large arms tensed, shaking at the enormity of what we were about to do, his eyelids hooded and he whispered, “You are my Maddie…” immediately before he pressed himself forward, his length filling me so impossibly full.
Needing to find purchase, to ground me in this moment, my hands wrapped around Flame’s neck. A pained groan tore from his throat. Then we stilled as he lay inside of me.
I waited for him to move again, I waited to follow his lead, but when I looked up, his face appeared torn with agony. His breathing was out of control and sweat had beaded on his forehead. My hand lifted to sweep across his brow, and he gasped for breath. His taut arms trembled, and haunted dark eyes grew to the size of saucers.
“Flame?” I asked, the last of my nerves fraying, seeing the man I had fallen so deeply for coming undone.
My hand stayed on his face and I focused his attention to me. “Flame? What is it?”
His eyes closed and his lips paled. His breath stalled, then on a sharp gasp they opened and he whispered, “I don’t think I can do this.”
My heart sank at the gutting tone of his confession. “Why? Tell me what is wrong?�
�� I gently pushed.
Flame’s focus fell to his arms, and he said, “I need pain. To come… I need pain.” He blinked, then blinked again. “I only know how to come through pain.” He sucked in a breath. “Not like this. Never done this before.” Flame’s attention fell back to me. “I want to, Maddie. I fucking want this, so bad. I need this… but I need pain. I’m fucked up and I need pain to go through with this.”
Flame lifted his hand and took hold of mine. He moved them slowly to his arm still at my side. Taking my fingers, he pressed my fingernails into the flesh on his forearm, and dragged my nails down his skin.
Flame hissed and I felt his length swell within me as my nails marked his skin. Color burst on his cheeks, and with his eyes still closed, he released my hand and demanded harshly, “Again. Do it again.”
With a timid hand, I moved my fingers to the top of Flame’s arm and dragged my fingers down to his wrist in a slow, hard motion. Flame’s hips bucked harshly inside of me, an aggressive cry leaving his lips.
I tensed in fear. I froze on the mattress, my hands dropping to my sides. I tried to breathe, but it seemed out of my reach.
Flame’s eyes opened, just as a tear trickled down the side of my face. He watched the droplet fall into my hair and he reared back his chest.
“Maddie?” he rasped. “You’re crying.”
I glanced to the scratches I had made on his arms, the skin red and raised, and I felt sick. I shook my head on the pillow. “I cannot Flame,” I said barely making a sound. “I cannot have pain involved in this act. Not between us.” I cast Moses’ face from my head, and meeting Flame’s pained eyes said, “I want this with you. I want this with you, so badly. But I cannot. I cannot cause you pain. It is not within me… it is not how our joining should be. We need this to mean more. We need this to be just us, not about our pasts.” I swallowed back the emotion threatening to take hold.
The hard muscles on Flame’s chest tensed and flinched then, devastated, he said, “I can’t fucking do it without the pain. I’m fucked up and need the pain.” His expression fell, and with large lost eyes, he whispered, “Maddie… how do we do this? I want it so fucking bad… but I don’t think… FUCK!” Flame’s teeth gritted and his hands fisted the linen sheets.
Inhaling deep, I lifted my hands to lie on his dark bearded cheeks. Flame sighed as in defeat, his broad shoulders sagging. His eyes would not meet mine, his eyes were forever on mine, and his avoidance shattered my heart.
“Flame?” I said softly. “Look at me.” Flame looked up at me through lowered long black lashes, and I said, “We have to do this. We both have to do this to move on. No fear. No demons. Just us. You and Me. Flame and his Maddie.”
“Maddie,” he responded gruffly, almost painfully. “I don’t know… I can’t… the pain, I need it—”
“You have me,” I interrupted, feeling the strength of that statement resonate in my every cell. Flame stilled, watching me with a profound intensity. Boldly, rolling my hips, I said, “We need to make this our first time. We need to make this the first act of love we have ever known. This is the night we lose our innocence, without the pain.” Another tear fell from my eye, and I added, “We have been lonely too long.”
“I don’t know how to do this without pain,” Flame said in a desperate tone.
Pulling his head down, his forehead met mine. “Focus on me. Make me your one thought. Replace the pain with thoughts of my face. My touch… my love…”
Flame’s lips pressed a whisper of a kiss to the side of my mouth. And desperate to see this through, I moved to run a hand down his arm over the scratches I had made. Guilt engulfed me, and I hushed, “Your pain causes me pain. Your distress causes me distress.”
Flame froze, and glancing down at my hand, he said, “I don’t want to cause you pain. I couldn’t fucking stand causing you pain. Not you.”
Hope filled my heart, and I pushed, “Then try. Try to make love to me without the scratches or the blades… without the hurtful memories of your past. Just… me and you.”
Flame’s eyes closed, his body deathly still, then threading his fingers through mine, he began to move.
And the tears fell.
Flame’s head had tucked into my neck, and at the sound of my gentle sobs, he looked up and, pouring from his eyes, were tears too. My heart broke at the sight of this man becoming so undone.
And then he moved, expelling painful frustrated groans, my name slipping from his lips. Eleven times. “Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie…” A sob followed as he gradually built up speed, his hand gripping mine so impossibly tight.
And the tears did not stop. They did not stop as Flame’s groans of pain gave way to groans of pleasure. They increased in tandem with mine, his fullness within me igniting something in my blood, a build-up, a build-up of whispers under my skin, of a light shining behind my eyes.
Flame’s breathing changed, and as he looked down at me, his face wearing an expression of disbelief, my finger stroked along his bearded cheek.
“Maddie!” he growled, his hips rolling faster as his large arms lifted to cage me on the bed, our fingers still entwined. My pulse increased when the sparks in my blood surged with heat. Unable to keep from closing my eyes, a cry came from my lips as a feeling so intense took hold of my body. My back arched, guiding my breasts to brush against Flame’s hard chest. I panicked at the unfamiliar sensation, but all I could feel was Flame—before me, above me… inside me… within me…
Just as my eyes fluttered open, Flame’s large body tensed, and releasing a deafening roar, he jerked within me. Heat filled my body… Flame’s heat.
Just Flame.
No pain.
Flame’s breathing was erratic, arms unsteady as his head tucked in my nape, then raising his head, his glazed eyes snapped into focus as his tears caught in his beard.
It was like I had seen him for the very first time. This man, my Flame, above me, fixing me back together. A sob came from his mouth and he rasped, “Maddie… my Maddie… mine…”
My heart stilled as I stared up at his disbelieving face. Without restraint, or any falsehood in my heart, I confessed, “I love you…”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Flame
Maddie’s hand was on my face as she spoke those words. And I swallowed, shaking my head.
“No,” I replied, my body freezing with fear.
Maddie’s forehead pulled down, and she whispered, “It is true, Flame. I love you. With all of my heart, I am yours. All that I am, you possess.”
I swallowed, but I couldn’t believe her. I wanted to, but his voice was in my head. No one will ever love you, boy. You’re a fucking retard. No one will ever want you.
My eyes squeezed shut and I rolled off Maddie, groaning when I slipped out of her. I fell to my back and stared at the wooden ceiling.
Flame… I love you…
“No,” I hissed once more as I replayed Maddie’s voice telling me those words. I lifted my arm to cover my eyes, blocking out the world, then I felt Maddie move. I felt her chest press against mine, I felt her firm tits push against my skin. Then her finger was stroking down the length of my arm, and I sighed at how fucking good her touch could make me feel.
Lowering my arm, Maddie’s face was focused on me. Her green eyes were shining, and she whispered, “I do not lie.” Leaning in, she pressed her lips to mine. As soon as our mouths met, the heat in my blood cooled, and I wrapped my fingers in her long hair.
When Maddie broke from the kiss, her finger stroked down my face and she said, “I do not know why you do not believe you are worthy to be loved, but I do love you, so purely and honestly that I can scarcely believe it myself.” Her eyes dipped as her fingertip traced the flame tattoos on my chest. “You have brought me back to life.” She choked on a laugh and said, “You have made my life.”
My heart pounded, my pulse raced, and lifting my hands, I bared my palm and said, “But all I do is hurt
people. I make them leave. Nobody can love me. It’s not fucking possible.”
Maddie leaned forward until her face was hovering just above mine, and she asked, “Flame, you must tell me. What has happened in your past to make you think this?”
Her finger stroked along my beard, and she said, “To make you think that your touch is harmful? To make you measure your life in sets of eleven? I want to know you. I want to know everything.”
I tensed as she asked that and I could feel sweat building on my forehead. “Maddie,” I whispered, opening my eyes and shutting them again, trying to not go back there. Maddie’s small hand linked within mine. My eyes opened and focused on our joined hands.
Maddie swallowed and confided, “I was six when Brother Moses first came for me.” Maddie’s breathing hitched and her voice began to quiet. “I was sitting alone in my quarters. Bella, Mae and Lilah had already been taken by their assigned elders, because they were older.” Her eyes looked away, then she continued. “I remember I had been sitting at the window, watching the normal people in the commune go about their daily duties. I remember I had been smiling at a butterfly fluttering around the courtyard outside.” Maddie’s mouth had pulled into a gentle smile, but then it vanished. “I remember hearing someone at the doorway. And when I looked over, an older large man was standing there, staring at me, with his arms over his chest. He was dressed all in black, and I remember his black boots.” Maddie shook her head. “I do not know why I remember those boots. Maybe it was the sound they made on the ground, or how they made him appear so tall and frightening? But I remember feeling so much fear that I was paralyzed. For years I had seen my sisters taken away by the elders, and every time they returned, they struggled to walk. They were quiet. Too quiet.”
Maddie sniffed, but there were no tears in her eyes. Then her hand squeezed in mine. “He told me I was to go with him. But I could not move. So he walked forward, his heavy boots like thunder claps on the ground. And reaching out, he gripped my arm so tightly in his large hand. I remember calling out at the sharp pain, and he smiled at me, his teeth gleaming under his long dark beard. Thinking back, I always see that smile when I close my eyes. Because he liked that I was in pain. He enjoyed causing me pain.”