by Tillie Cole
My chest squeezed in gratitude, but I couldn’t find the words to fucking reply. The kid had been taught shit. He’d actually been schooled. That was more than I ever had, and I was so fucking happy about that fact.
Tanner flicked his chin at me and sat down. Then it went real fucking quiet. I ripped the label off my beer as I built myself up. Taking a real long deep inhale, I looked up at Asher. I already had his attention. He was still watching me, his eyes looking so fucking much like Isaiah’s and mine that it was surreal.
Someone coughed, causing me to snap the fuck round and flick my head toward the line of trees. “Come with me,” I ordered. Asher’s eyes grew wide.
I didn’t wait for him to get up. Instead I took a swig of my beer and pounded through the circle of club pussy hanging around and onto the raised verge. From up here you could see right over the forest surrounding the compound and out to the empty acres beyond.
I heard the shuffling of Asher’s boots first, then his deep breathing. Without looking back, I flicked my hand. “Sit down.”
I counted six seconds until he dropped beside me. Not too close, sitting about a foot away. And he didn’t say shit to me, just sat there, head hanging low, eyes to the ground.
I pictured Maddie and me in that fucking church. And I told myself that this kid, my blood, wasn’t going anywhere. That he was here to stay and that I wouldn’t fucking hurt him. I thought it, tried to get it through my head, but it was real fucking hard to believe.
Taking another swig of my Bud, I lowered the bottle and asked, “You doing good?”
Asher tensed, then nodded his head. “Yeah.”
I blinked, trying to think what to say next, when I asked, “AK treating you good?”
Another nod of the head and another, “Yeah.”
I knew this wasn’t going real well. I couldn’t fucking talk to folk. I couldn’t ever fucking say anything right. Asher looked out over the woods, but I looked to my left, watching his face. Fucking seeing me in that face. Seeing the same kid I once was. And like me, Asher had been kept in that cellar… and fuck knows what else.
“I ain’t good at talking,” I abruptly blurted. Asher’s face turned to me, and he swallowed. “I mean, I ain’t good at talking. At all. I don’t read people like others can. I’m not good with people’s emotions or shit, or mine. I… I always fuck up things I wanna say, and people get real pissed, and I end up getting killing mad. It just all goes fucking wrong. All the fucking time."
“I know, Flame.”
I frowned. “You know?”
“Viking and AK have told me that… that you’re different from others. That you talk different to most people.” He swallowed and said, “They’ve told me how to speak to you. So, I get it.”
I glanced back to AK and Viking. Viking was fucking around as always, but AK’s attention was focused our way. I flicked my chin at him, and he raised his beer in return.
Asher began pulling the grass from the ground, and as I took another sip of my beer, I noticed his hair. His dark hair, cut in a…
“Your hair’s like mine,” I said. Asher stilled. “You got a Mohawk,” I added, as my hand lifted to run through my own.
Asher’s face went bright red. “Yeah. I… everyone keeps telling me I look like you.” He shrugged. “I needed it cut, because poppa never cut it. So I asked for it to look like yours.”
“I don’t understand. Why the fuck would you wanna look like me?” I asked. Asher’s expression changed. I didn’t know why his expression changed either. I couldn’t fucking read him.
“Because… because you’re my brother,” he said under his breath. I froze and could feel my pulse slamming real fast. “I… I never had a brother before. I was always on my own. But I often wondered what it would’ve been like if I’d had someone else there with me. Poppa always talked about you. He said horrible things, things that he believed in his warped head, things Pastor Hughes had told him, but I never heard them. I never believed them. He said horrible things about me that I knew weren’t true, so I thought that was probably true of you too.”
As his words sunk in, a question came out my mouth. “Did he fuck you? In that dirt cell, did he fuck you?”
Asher froze, and his head dropped.
“Tell me,” I pushed. “I need to fucking know.” I tapped my head. “I need to know because it’s all I think about up here.”
“He tried.” Asher whispered, “Every time he came into that cell, he tried. But he couldn’t ever do it.”
“I don’t understand,” I said, my stomach uncoiling in relief at the fact he didn’t fuck him. He hadn’t fucked Asher.
Thank fuck.
“It was the drink, I think. He could barely walk after my mama died, when he put me in the cellar for the first time. He couldn’t get it up, Flame. He’d get mad, he’d beat me.” He held out his arms. “He even tried to cut me at first, but he’d almost drunk himself to death by the time you arrived.” Asher sighed, then said, “Mostly he just kept me in that cellar and called me a sinner, preached his bible talk to me from above. Don’t think he had the strength to do much else.”
I inhaled a sharp breath, then slowly exhaled, feeling all the concern I’d had, leave my body. “That’s fucking good,” I admitted. Asher lowered his head again.
He lifted his hand and ran it through his hair. Just as I’d nearly finished my beer, he said, “I want to look like you because I wanna be like you.”
My head snapped to the kid. “Why the fuck would you wanna be like me?”
Asher pointed at me. “You’re huge, strong, can protect yourself.”
“I lift a lotta fucking weights,” I replied.
Asher shook his head. “I saw what you did to our poppa. I know what you did to Pastor Hughes and Elder Paul.” Asher threw a handful grass to the ground, and said, “I used to dream of being able to do that to Poppa, what you did. After my mama died, when he beat on me with a bat in that cellar, I wanted to hurt him back. Because he took my mama from me. My mama, Flame. She was such a good woman. But too weak to cope with him.” Asher sniffed, and quickly used his forearm to wipe his face.
My head twitched, not knowing what the fuck to do. But Asher pulled his shit together, and choked out, “Then the older brother I always prayed would come back and get me, did. And you killed that fucker. You killed him so that he couldn’t hurt anyone ever again.” Asher started pulling the grass again, and said, “That’s why I wanna be like you. I don’t want to be hurt by anyone again. I wanna be able to defend myself, like you. I wanna be able to protect myself, from people like him.”
I looked at Asher’s size and knew that when he was my age he’d be a big motherfucker too, but all I said in response was a promise. “No one will fucking touch you again. You got me, and a fuck load of Hangmen, at your back. And no one fucks with us. No one.”
Asher was silent, then as his head dropped forward, his breathing changed. I turned, panicking at what the fuck was wrong, when I saw water in his eyes. I ran my hands down my face when he said, “Thank you.”
I blew out a breath, and sitting forward, elbows on knees, I put my head in my hands, feeling like the worst brother on the damn planet. “Asher, I can’t be touched. Fuck, I can’t… I can’t—”
“I know,” he interrupted, as he wiped his cheeks dry.
“You do?” I rasped, fucking hating myself for being so fucked in the head.
“Yeah, AK explained. Flame, he told me everything about you. I kept asking about you, so he sat me down and told me. I just want to know you more. And you never really came out of your cabin, or even talked to me.” He paused, then added, “But I know you can’t be touched. AK was real clear about that.”
“Right,” was all I could say in response.
Asher looked behind him, and then back to me. “But Maddie can touch you.” I froze. Holding my breath I nodded my head. “It's all good,” he quickly replied. Turning a deep shade of red, he said, “She’s real pretty. And… and I’m glad she
can touch you. I’m glad you have her.”
Maddie’s face flashed into my head, and I stated, “She’s fucking beautiful. She’s everything to me.”
“Yeah,” Asher said, then his face flushed redder still. “And Flame? Will you call me Little Ash? It’s what I’ve been getting called by all the brothers. Viking said it was my road name… and… and I like it. It feels new, different, like I’m someone else. Just, Asher reminds me of—”
“I get it,” I said, cutting him off, knowing I hated the fucking name Josiah just as much, if not more, as he hated Asher.
“Thanks,” Little Ash replied, and we returned to our silence. Just as I was about to get up, not knowing what the fuck else to say, Little Ash said, “I really like all the bikes round here.”
I sat back down to the grass, and said, “I’m good with bikes. Harley’s and Choppers especially.”
Little Ash smiled up at me and said, “AK told me you can build them from scratch.”
“Yeah.”
Little Ash dipped his head, then lifted his head, a new expression on his face. “Would you build me one, Flame? Vike said he’d teach me how to ride, but that I needed a bike. He said to talk to you about it.”
“Yeah, I could build you one,” I said.
“A black and chrome Fat Boy? Like yours, with Flames on the side? AK showed me how to use the net. I’ve been reading all about them and how they’re built. I wanted to understand how you built them in your work shop. Then AK told me you could customize the paintwork as well. He told me you’d done your Harley.” He turned his head away and said, “I went and had a look one night when I couldn’t sleep. And I loved it. I loved the flames and skulls on the side. It looks amazing, Flame. So if I could, I’d like one just like it. Just like yours.”
A warm feeling spread within my chest, and I said roughly, “Whatever you want.”
“Good,” Little Ash replied, a smile on his lips.
I frowned at why he was smiling, then he asked, “And can I watch you build it? In that workshop you got out back?”
I wondered why he’d want to fucking do that. But I shrugged and said, “Yeah. Never had anyone watch before, but… yeah, okay.”
“Good,” Little Ash said, his voice stronger. He went back to pulling up the grass, then asked, “And Flame?”
“Yeah?”
“I like living with AK. I get that you ain’t good with people being around you too much, except Maddie. I know you need space, but, do you think, that maybe, I could come round your place sometime? Just to, you know, hang around with you some?”
My chest tightened, imagining having my brother in my house. My brother. “Yeah.”
Little Ash breathed out a long breath, then sitting back said, “I think… I think I’m gonna like it here, Flame. I think I’m… I think I’m gonna like having a big brother.”
My heart fucking pounded, and not knowing what the fuck else to say, I just said, “Yeah.”
*****
Maddie
I had watched Flame call Asher over to sit with him. And I had watched as his back had tensed, and he muddled through a conversation. As I watched, my heart swelled with happiness.
“I like this look on you, Maddie.” I glanced to my left and looked up to Mae. Her blue eyes were shining as I took hold of her hand.
“For once, in my whole life, I like being me.”
“Because of Flame?” Mae asked.
I thought about her question. “Mostly, yes. He has brought me to life. But through him, I feel more at peace with myself. Does that make sense?”
Mae’s hands spread over her slightly rounded stomach, and she replied, “I know exactly what you mean.”
I tipped my head up at the sky, and embracing its vastness, said, “I never thought of myself as a strong person. But it is amazing how much strength you discover you have deep inside, when someone you love depends on you to be their rock, when they find themselves weak. How much courage you can muster, when the one you love relies on you to keep him from falling to the ground. And how much happiness can be harbored within your soul, when you allow someone into your heart.”
“Maddie,” Mae hushed, “I understand completely.”
I smiled at my sister. “You will make a fantastic mother, Mae.”
Mae’s smile faltered, and her head dropped slightly. “Do you think so?” she asked nervously. “We never had one, Maddie. How am I to know how to be a good mother?”
I squeezed Mae’s hand. “You may not have had a mother, but I have.”
Mae frowned. “You did not, Maddie. You were like me, and Bella. We never knew our parents.”
“I did,” I countered. Mae shook her head in protest. But I cut in and pronounced, “I had you.”
Mae’s lips parted in shock, and she whispered, “Maddie.”
“You will be the best of mothers, Mae. Because you and Bella showered me with an abundance of love. I did not know how to express my emotions back then, nor could I tell or show you how much you meant to me. But I see it now.”
A tear fell slowly down Mae’s cheek, and she asked, “But you have found your path now?”
“Yes,” I replied, seeing Flame walking toward me, Asher by his side. “I absolutely have.”
Flame reached where we were sitting. I stood up and stretched out my hand. He gladly took it, and I could see the tension at being away from me, disappear instantly.
Asher stood awkwardly at his side, and I cast him a smile. “Hello, Asher.”
“It’s Little Ash,” Flame corrected abruptly. As I viewed his face, I understood why.
“My apologies. Little Ash,” I corrected.
“I’m good, thank you,” Little Ash shyly replied.
Flame’s head then snapped up at a young Hangman passing by. “You!” he shouted. The young man froze on the spot. His brown eyes bulged as they caught sight of Flame. “Get the fuck here,” Flame ordered.
Smiler rose from his chair across the yard and came over. “Yo, Flame. What you want with my cousin?”
Flame stared down at the young man and he demanded, “Name?”
“Slash. I’m the new prospect,” the young man replied rather nervously.
“How fucking old are you?”
The young man rocked on his feet. “Eighteen.”
Flame pointed at Little Ash. “This is Little Ash. You’re gonna show him around. You’re gonna fucking look out for him. You’re both the youngest here, and that’s how it’s gonna be.”
Slash turned to Little Ash and nodded his head. “You wanna come with, man? I can show you around.”
Little Ash nodded his head in reply, and began to follow Slash, hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans. Smiler shook his head at Flame and went back to the other men. Then Flame shouted. “Slash?”
Slash turned and Flame pointed straight at Little Ash. “He’s my little brother. Hurt him and I’ll slit your fucking throat.”
Slash paled, nodded his head and scurried away. As Little Ash turned his head to follow, I caught a ghost of a smile gracing his lips.
I pressed myself into Flame’s chest just as Lilah entered the yard. Seeing me standing with Mae, she came straight over and hugged me to her chest, then kissed Mae on her cheek.
Behind us, Ky approached.
“Sweet Cheeks,” he said smiling, winking at his wife. As soon as he reached Lilah’s side, he threw his arm over her shoulder and tipped her back for a kiss. Lilah laughed against his mouth.
It was not long before Styx appeared next to Mae, his arm protectively threading around her waist, his hand laying flat over her stomach.
Styx reluctantly moved his hand and began to sign, my sisters and Ky joining in the conversation. But I did not pay them attention, instead I glanced around the yard, at this new strange family I had found myself amongst, feeling safe under Flame’s arms now draped around my shoulders. Then my eyes fell upon the window of Styx’s apartment. The apartment above the compound in which I used to reside. And I remembered t
hose early nights after leaving the commune; I would sit at the window, staring down at the men I was convinced were evil.
All except one… the man with the dark eyes, who paced the ground outside my window; eyes fixed on me, as my hand pressed to the glass, wishing I had the strength to talk to him.
Pressing a kiss to Flame’s arm, feeling his chin rest upon my head, I decided I liked being down here, living my life, melded to Flame’s heart, and wrapped in his embrace.
I liked it much better.
Much better indeed.
Chapter Thirty
Prophet Cain
White tunic.
White pants.
My long hair down.
I was ready.
But as I stared at my reflection in the mirror, all I felt was nausea. And wrong. Everything about this place screamed to me that it was so fucking wrong.
A light knock sounded on the door that led to the altar. “Come in,” I called. Phebe entered the room, now freed from her seclusion.
“It is time, my Lord,” she announced and waited at the door.
I frowned. “You are not joining Judah tonight?”
Phebe looked down at the floor. “He has chosen Sarai in my stead. She has now been awarded the role of Judah’s first consort.” Her head dropped further. “As his only consort.”
My stomach rolled as I thought of my brother taking that child. I felt sick. Phebe looked up at me as music began to drift into the room. “My Lord, it is beginning. We must go.”
Forcing my feet to move, I followed Phebe down the narrow hallway, smelling the strong scents of burning incense, listening to the instrumental music grow in volume. My heart beat in time with the fast drumbeat pulsing off the walls. I prayed to God to get me through this.