I ran upstairs as best I could, trying to stifle my sobs.
Diamond was leaning up in bed on one elbow. ‘Hetty?’ she whispered, sounding frightened.
‘Sorry, darling. I didn’t mean to wake you.’
‘You’re crying! What’s the matter? And you smell funny. A bit like Samson.’
‘Don’t!’ I burst out crying afresh, casting myself down on the bed.
‘There now. Don’t cry. Are you sad because you won’t be Alice any more?’ she whispered anxiously, smoothing my tousled hair.
‘I won’t be anything any more!’ I wailed. ‘I’ve spoiled everything, for you as well as for me. I’ve lost us our lodgings as well as our position at the Cavalcade. We’re ruined, Diamond, and it’s all my fault.’
‘Tell me what you’ve done,’ she said, holding me close. ‘I promise I won’t mind, no matter what it is. You’re my Hetty and I love you, and everything will be all right, just so long as we can be together.’
So I sobbed out the whole sorry tale, half expecting her to pull away from me in disgust too. But she held me close and did her best to comfort me.
‘Samson’s a big horrid pig. Poor you, Hetty. I would hate to have him kiss me. Mrs Ruby’s horrid too. We don’t want to work at the Cavalcade any more. We don’t want to stay at Miss Gibson’s either, though she does give us lots of treats. Still, you’ve sewn her lots of lovely dresses, so I think we’re even.’
‘But what shall we do, Diamond? Mrs Ruby’s going to make sure we don’t work anywhere else. Miss Gibson doesn’t want us here any more. Where shall we go?’
‘We could go to Bertie’s! That would be lovely,’ she said.
Bertie! I thought about him, my mind whirling. I put my head in my hands, trying to steady it.
Think, think, think, I muttered to myself.
‘We can’t tell Bertie about Samson,’ I said.
‘But he’ll believe you, Hetty, I know he will.’
‘Yes, he knows what Samson is like. So what do you think he’ll do?’
‘He’ll be very cross,’ said Diamond.
‘Of course he will. He’ll try to fight Samson, won’t he? And who do you think will win?’
‘Samson,’ she whispered.
‘Exactly.’
‘Bertie might win. I’m sure he’s very good at fighting.’
‘Samson could beat anyone. Remember, they said he used to be a strongman. He’ll fight, and Bertie will do his best to fight back – he won’t give up, you know what he’s like. Bertie will end up horribly hurt.’
‘I don’t want him to be hurt!’
‘Neither do I, Diamond. And then Mrs Ruby might dismiss him, because she always takes Samson’s side.’
‘But that wouldn’t be fair.’
‘She isn’t fair, you know she isn’t. And if Bertie gets dismissed from the Cavalcade, he won’t be able to work anywhere else either, she’ll make sure of that. It’s been his dream to be a music-hall artiste ever since he was small. He loves working here. Remember when we first met him, how he showed off to us? I’ll never forgive myself if he loses his job.’ I started crying again. What was the matter with me? Why did I always spoil things for the people I loved? I had made Jem unhappy on his wedding day. I couldn’t make Bertie wretched too.
I twisted his gold Mizpah ring round and round. No one else could make me laugh like Bertie, no one else could surprise me so, no one else knew me through and through, not even Jem. We were a matching pair, the foundling girl and the workhouse boy, both of us cocky and ambitious and determined. That was why we got on so well – and why we bickered constantly. Perhaps we could never be properly happy together, because we were so alike.
‘I can’t tell Bertie and wreck his life. We’ll run away, Diamond, without telling him why.’
‘But he’ll be so sad!’ she said. ‘He’ll think we don’t care about him any more.’
‘I know, but it’s the only fair thing to do.’
‘I shall miss him so,’ Diamond said mournfully.
‘So shall I,’ I said. ‘Oh Lord, my head. It’s still spinning. Never, ever drink alcohol, Diamond. It feels good at first, but then it makes you feel so wretched.’
‘I know,’ she said. ‘My pa drank and drank and we always had to keep out of his way. Well, after Ma died I had to keep out of his way whether he was drunk or sober because he hated me so.’
She said it so matter-of-factly, it nearly broke my heart. It was better to have grown up without a father than to have one who’d sold me for five guineas. When I had eventually found my father, it was a joy to discover that he was a sweet, kindly man, even though I didn’t care for his new family.
‘Perhaps we can travel up north again, to stay with my father?’ I said as we settled down to sleep.
‘The fisherman? But you said you didn’t like the fish, Hetty,’ said Diamond.
It was true that I had hated their staring eyes and gaping mouths, their slimy scales and hot guts – the reek that clung to my hands no matter how hard I scrubbed. I couldn’t bear to be a fishergirl again. I could never be part of that harsh salty world – and if I couldn’t fit in, Diamond would find it even harder, with her startling looks and dainty ways. My fierce stepmother had never liked me. She’d like Diamond even less.
‘Perhaps we won’t go to stay with my father after all,’ I said. ‘So where can we go?’
I shut my eyes tight and tried to ask Mama.
Diamond answered first. ‘We’ll go and see Madame Adeline and Mr Marvel,’ she said.
‘Oh yes! Yes, we will! I don’t suppose we can stay there for ever, it’s only a small cottage, and we’ll have to earn our living, but we could stay a few days. Oh, Diamond, of course, that’s where we’ll go.’
‘And Madame Adeline will call us her little stars and we will tell her all about our act,’ said Diamond.
‘We will show her! She will be so proud of us. Oh, wait, I’ve left the penny-farthing at the Cavalcade,’ I groaned.
‘No, Bertie and I took it. He tried to ride it but he can’t balance the way you can, Hetty. He had to wheel it most of the way home. It’s in the back yard.’
‘Dear Bertie,’ I said, clasping my ring tight.
‘I’m sure Mr Marvel could ride the penny-farthing, even though he’s very elderly. He was always very nimble – he taught me how to tumble without hurting myself. Perhaps we can train his monkeys to ride our penny-farthing too!’ said Diamond. ‘Little Mavis could scamper up and sit on my head. That would look splendid. We can have a whole new act!’
‘For a circus?’
‘No, not a circus!’ said Diamond firmly. ‘I never want to be a circus girl again. But perhaps we could perform in a marketplace? When I used to do my little show folk gave me lots of pennies. Shall we do that?’
‘Perhaps,’ I said, fighting back tears again.
I’d been a circus ringmaster, a music-hall star, a leading actress – but now it looked as if I would have to content myself with being a lowly street performer. It wasn’t just a matter of pride. All my life I had fought to progress upwards, but in the past few hours I seemed to be tumbling down again.
Throughout that long queasy night I thought of Madame Adeline. I conjured her up as she used to be, strong and lithe in her pink spangles, leaping from horse to horse, her red hair gleaming in the harsh circus gaslight. When I slept at last, I dreamed she’d turned into Marina Royal, proclaiming Juliet’s speech as she rode round and round, her own red hair unravelling, flying behind her like a cloak. I pedalled hard on the penny-farthing, scarcely able to keep my balance, while clowns threw buckets of water at me and the audience shouted abuse.
When I woke, the room had stopped circling, but my head hammered and I felt so sick I had to rush out to the privy in the back yard.
Miss Gibson was waiting for me in the kitchen, fully dressed, arms folded. ‘There! You’ve been sick, haven’t you!’ she asked.
I nodded wanly.
‘It serves you right. Th
e demon drink!’
‘Miss Gibson, you yourself have had the occasional tipple,’ I said.
‘But I have never been drunk as a lord!’
‘I am very sorry. I was a little drunk last night, though I only had two glasses of champagne – three at the most. It won’t happen again,’ I said.
‘How could you abandon poor Diamond while you went off gallivanting with that actor troupe?’
‘It wasn’t quite like that.’ I rubbed my forehead, trying to ease the blinding pain. ‘But I still behaved very badly. You don’t need to lecture me any further. Diamond and I will be leaving very soon.’
She looked a little taken aback. ‘There’s no need for that.’
‘You said we had to go.’
‘Yes, but not immediately. In fact, I might just be willing to overlook your behaviour if you’re truly sorry,’ she said.
‘I am sorry, but I think we’d better go all the same.’ I couldn’t bear the thought of staying on at Miss Gibson’s now that we were unable to work at the Cavalcade. Miss Gibson might relent, but I knew that Mrs Ruby would never change her mind.
‘Well, suit yourself,’ she said. ‘But don’t go telling folk I turned you out on the streets. I wouldn’t do that, especially not to a sweet little soul like your sister.’
‘I know,’ I said. I took a deep breath. ‘You’ve been very kind to us. Thank you for all your help and generosity. Now, I’d better go and wash. Excuse me.’
I ran upstairs, my head pounding at every step. Diamond was already up. She was still in her nightgown, but Adeline and Maybelle were dressed in their coats and bonnets, with all their outfits and little belongings packed neatly into a shoe box.
‘I’ve got my children ready,’ she said. ‘They’re very excited, especially Adeline, because she’s going to meet her namesake.’
‘We’d better get packed up too,’ I said.
It took much longer this time. We seemed to have acquired many more possessions since we started at the Cavalcade. It was a terrible struggle to fit everything into one small suitcase. When I’d succeeded at last, I realized I still had to write a letter, and had to unpack everything again to find my pen and ink and notepad.
‘Are you writing to Bertie?’ Diamond asked.
‘I just want to write a quick note. I still can’t explain, but I don’t want him to think we just set off without giving him a second thought,’ I said.
‘May I write him a note too?’
‘Yes, of course,’ I said, though I knew her printing wasn’t really up to a letter.
We sat cross-legged at either end of the bed, trying to compose our letters. It was a struggle for both of us. Diamond’s note was very concise:
Deer Burty I wil mis you so Love Diamond
My own letter was also brief:
Dear Bertie,
Please forgive me. We had to go. I shall always wear my Mizpah ring and whisper its message: The Lord keep us safe when we are absent one from another.
Love from
Your Hetty
I didn’t know the address of Bertie’s lodgings, and the Cavalcade would be shut on Sunday. When we went downstairs clutching all our belongings, I gave the sealed letters to Miss Gibson.
‘Would you be kind enough to give these letters to Bertie when he calls round? And if he doesn’t, perhaps you might hand them in to the Cavalcade tomorrow?’ I asked politely.
‘Why can’t you give them to him?’
‘We won’t be here. We’re not working at the Cavalcade any more.’
‘What?’
‘We’re moving on.’
‘But where will you go?’
‘We’re visiting a dear friend for a little while,’ I said.
‘Have you given Bertie the address?’
I shook my head.
‘Poor boy,’ said Miss Gibson. She fidgeted with her apron, crumpling the starched material. ‘He will be so upset.’
‘I know,’ I said, and one last tear slid down my cheek.
‘Look, you’ve been a very silly girl, but I’m sure there’s no need to rush off like this. I told you, you can stay here, so long as you mend your ways and never come home in that dreadful state again. And although I disapprove of the Cavalcade, by all accounts you two were a big success there. You don’t want to walk out of a good position.’
‘We have no choice, Miss Gibson. Mrs Ruby doesn’t want us there any more,’ I said.
‘Then work full-time for me, Hetty. I have to admit, you’ve made a big difference to my business. Your designs are proving very popular. If we work together for a few years, I might even consider making you a partner.’ Miss Gibson emphasized the last four words to show she thought this an extremely attractive offer.
‘It’s very generous of you,’ I said. ‘But I still think we must move on.’
‘Well, at least let me make you breakfast before you go,’ she said.
I still felt so nauseous that the very word breakfast made my stomach heave, but I knew we were facing a long train journey on a day when many eating places would be shut.
‘That would be very kind,’ I said.
Miss Gibson made enough breakfast for twenty girls: porridge with honey and cream, then eggs and bacon and mushrooms and fried tomatoes and buttered toast, along with a great brown pot of tea. Diamond and I did our best to eat heartily and so did Miss Gibson, but we couldn’t finish it.
‘I’ll make you up some bacon sandwiches for your journey – and there’s a freshly made ginger cake in the larder. You’d better take that too,’ she said, dabbing at her eyes with the hem of her apron.
‘That’s very kind of you, Miss Gibson,’ I mumbled. My own eyes were a little watery, and Diamond was openly sniffling.
‘I wish I hadn’t spoken so hastily last night. I don’t want you to go!’ she said.
‘Oh, Miss Gibson, you had every right to be cross with me, though I swear that I did nothing more than drink one glass of champagne too many. But we have to go, I’m afraid. Thank you for all your kindnesses while we’ve been staying with you. Please feel free to appropriate all my dress designs, I don’t mind a bit.’
‘Thank you, dear. That’s very good of you. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you,’ said Miss Gibson. ‘It’s so hard to find a girl who’s truly particular about her stitching nowadays.’
‘I know where hundreds of such girls are trained!’ I said. ‘Don’t worry, Miss Gibson. I will find you a substitute girl – and I’m sure she’ll be much less trouble than me.’
I retrieved my writing materials and, on a corner of the kitchen table, penned a hasty letter to Miss Sarah Smith. She was the children’s author who had taken an interest in me and encouraged me to write my memoirs. She was a governor at the Foundling Hospital and had influence there. I asked her to select a likely foundling – preferably my foster sister Eliza! – and arrange an apprenticeship for her at Miss Gibson’s establishment. Eliza was a little young, and I didn’t know if she was a truly competent seamstress, but I was sure she’d prefer life at Gibson’s Gowns to slaving away as a servant.
Then I packed my suitcase again, and Miss Gibson provided Diamond with a stout bag to carry Adeline, Maybelle and all their possessions. I made sure that Diamond made another trip to the privy, and then I went myself, because I knew that the facilities were meagre at best on long train journeys. I felt a little better with a full meal inside me, but my head still throbbed. It was partly the champagne, partly worry about our future.
What would we do once we’d visited Madame Adeline and Mr Marvel? I didn’t want to end up as a street performer. We’d never earn enough, and we couldn’t expect Madame Adeline to provide for us. While I was still on the privy, I thought I heard the doorbell go at the front of the shop.
My tummy tightened. Was it Bertie? What was I going to do if it was? I wanted to tell him everything – and yet I knew I mustn’t. I sat there trying to decide what to do. Perhaps I’d been mistaken. It was still very early for a visi
t. Bertie usually slept till past ten on a Sunday.
I dithered in the privy for another minute or so and then forced myself to go indoors.
Diamond was in the back room, her eyes wide. ‘We have a visitor!’ she said, grabbing my hand. ‘Come, quick!’
SHE PULLED ME into the kitchen. Marina Royal was perched on a wooden chair, resplendent in a deep navy velvet travelling costume, with two long strings of turquoise beads swinging to her waist. She wore a matching navy hat with a jay’s feather set at a jaunty angle. Miss Gibson was standing staring at her, looking uncomfortably like a servant in her black dress and white apron. She held her chin very high, to convey to Miss Royal that she was a respectable dressmaker who looked down on painted actresses.
‘Oh, Miss Royal!’ I gasped, blushing.
‘Good morning, Emerald. How are you feeling?’ she asked.
‘Not very well,’ I said honestly.
‘I’m not at all surprised.’
‘I’m so sorry I got in such a state last night. I feel so ashamed.’ I hung my head.
‘Oh well. I dare say everyone gets a little squiffy sometimes,’ said Miss Royal.
Miss Gibson sniffed loudly, making it plain that she had never been squiffy in her life. She poured Miss Royal a cup of tea, because she wanted to appear hospitable, but she served it at arm’s length, as if she might become contaminated if she came any nearer.
‘Thank you so much,’ said Miss Royal, sipping. ‘Well, girls, I see you’ve packed your bags. That’s fortuitous, because I came here to tell you to do just that.’
We stared at her.
‘What do you mean, Miss Royal?’ Diamond asked.
‘I mean, little Diamond, that Mr Parkinson and I are inviting you both to become members of the Players, our small but select band of actors.’
I heard her perfectly, but I wanted her to repeat the words again and yet again. I couldn’t believe it. I shook my head, utterly bewildered.
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