“But I want to take care of both of them.”
Stevie props her chin on her fist. “Does she know that?”
“Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.” I run a hand through my hair. “What am I supposed to do? Yesterday I was trying to get back into her life, and now I’m a dad with no rights to my own kid. I don’t know how to handle any of this.”
“Now you have to woo them. Show her that you want them both.”
“How do I do that?”
“The same way you went about softening her up after you lied about being a millionaire NHL player—do nice things for them. She’s a single mother living on a single income. Don’t you remember how tired Joy and Kyle were at the beginning? Even now, it’s a miracle if they’re still up after ten. From what I’ve seen, being a parent is freaking exhausting, so I can only imagine that being a single parent is like signing on to be a zombie for a good three years.”
She definitely has a point, one I hadn’t really had time to consider. “This is why I want to help take care of them.”
“Yeah, but Lainey needs help without feeling like she’s being railroaded. Get her groceries delivered so she doesn’t have to waste time shopping, get her a housekeeper, send her to the spa so she can get a freaking pedicure. Joy loved it when Mom and I did that for her. She couldn’t see her damn feet for the better part of half a year, and I’m betting now she doesn’t have the time, energy, or money to indulge in things like that. Give her a reason to trust that you’re going to be there for both of them and that you’re not just a playboy and a liar.”
“It was one lie.”
“Unfortunately, it was a pretty damn big one. She needs to know she can rely on you, so be reliable.”
“Okay. I can do that. I can be reliable.”
Less than twenty-four hours ago I was thinking about all the ways I wanted to get back into Lainey’s pants and her bed, and now all I can think about is how I’m going to find a way to cement myself back in her life so I don’t miss out on any more time with my son—because I sure don’t want him to grow up without a dad.
CHAPTER 20
SHOW ME YOU MEAN IT
Lainey
I glance at Walter’s closed door as I back out of the elevator. I don’t want to hurt him, but I need to give RJ a chance with Kody—and possibly give us a chance too, depending on what he wants out of this. It isn’t until I spin Kody’s stroller around that I notice the pile of boxes stacked beside my apartment door. “What the heck is all this?” I ask Kody, who babbles and shakes his teddy bear rattle.
The door across the hall opens, and Walter appears, arms crossed over his chest. “Most of them have been here since I got home from work. Except the two on the top—they arrived a few minutes ago.” He’s still dressed in his work wear, a pair of khaki pants and a white short-sleeved button-down complete with pocket protector and striped tie.
“Oh, hi, Walter.” I slip my key into the lock, aware we need to have a conversation, one I’m not excited about.
Walter is right there to help me, rushing over to hold open the door while I get Kody inside. He assists with all the boxes—some of which are heavy, based on the way the veins in his neck bulge and his face goes red with exertion.
Once we’re done bringing everything in, he stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I didn’t realize you were seeing other people.”
I unbuckle Kody from his stroller and pick him up, half using him as a shield for this conversation. “It’s not like that, Walter.”
“Really? Because last night you went on a date while Eden watched Kody, and then you brought him back here and flaunted him right under my nose.”
I realize how it all must look to him—and how I would feel if I were in his shoes. “I wasn’t flaunting him. He’s Kody’s father.”
The anger shifts to confusion. “I thought you said his father wasn’t interested in being part of his life.”
I rub my temple. “I thought he wasn’t. We recently reconnected.”
“Reconnected how? Are you planning to get back together with him? He hasn’t been a part of Kody’s life at all, and now you’re going to let him jump back in like he’s been here the entire time? Is this stuff all from him?”
“Maybe?” I glance at the stack of boxes. Logically they must all be from RJ, but I’d have to open them to be sure. “It’s a complicated situation, Walter. I don’t really know what’s going on myself right now.”
“What about you and me?” He motions between us.
“I don’t know about that either,” I say honestly.
His shoulders curl forward, and he nods at the floor.
Before he can say anything else, the buzzer for my door goes off. My phone also pings in my purse. “Just give me a second.” I shift Kody to my hip and hit the intercom button. “Hello?”
“Delivery for Lainey Carver.”
“Okay. Come on up.” I buzz the person through.
“I guess I should probably go,” Walter says dejectedly.
“I’m really sorry, Walter. I don’t want to mislead you, but this whole situation is just . . . confusing.”
“I understand.” He bops Kody on the end of the nose. “See you later, little guy.”
He leaves my apartment as a deliveryman steps out of the elevator rolling a cart of boxes. I recognize the name of the company on the side of the box; it’s one of those high-end grocery delivery services.
Walter disappears inside his apartment without another word. I feel bad, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now. I allow the deliveryman to come in and unload the cart in the kitchen. The boxes take up all the space on the counter. Once he’s gone, I put Kody in his activity center to play while I unpack everything. Fresh produce and ready-to-cook meals, as well as a variety of types of baby food, fill my cupboards and my fridge.
I have to assume that all of this is from RJ. I can’t even begin to guess how much this cost. Everything is name brand or high-end organic produce. I expected to have to make time for grocery shopping this evening, and now I’m set for at least the next week, if not longer. It’s thoughtful and kind, which is more in line with the RJ I knew in Alaska.
Groceries unpacked and put away, I feed Kody, then sift through my now-stuffed fridge and debate what I’d like for dinner. I settle on a pasta dish. It’s supposed to serve three to four people, which means I’ll have plenty of leftovers for lunch tomorrow.
The muffled ping of my phone reminds me that I have unchecked messages. I leave the package on the counter and bend to kiss a happy Kody on the top of the head as I retrieve my phone. I have two voice mails, one from my mother and another from RJ.
I listen to the one from my mother first; it’s a request for a call back. She left the message less than twenty minutes ago, but if I know my mother, she’ll call again before an hour has passed. She knows I’m home from work, and she calls at least three times a week to check in on me and Kody. She wants me to come back to Washington, but I like it here. I also like not being smothered. And now I may have another reason to stay.
I skip to the next message, and RJ’s deep voice fills my ear and makes all sorts of warm tingles happen in my body. “Hi, Lainey, it’s Rook, RJ. It’s . . . hi. I’m sorry about last night. I’m sure this isn’t easy for you, and it’s not for me either. I don’t want to take Kody away from you. I just want to help and be a part of his life and yours, however I can. I sent you a bunch of stuff today, things I thought you could use. When you have time, can you call or message to let me know if everything arrived? I hope I hear from you soon.”
He’s obviously trying to show me he wants to be involved. Buying these things is . . . helpful, but it’s not the same as getting up in the middle of the night for feedings or dealing with Kody when he’s fussy for hours. The only way I’m going to know if he’s really serious about wanting to be part of his life, and maybe mine, is by allowing him to spend time with us.
I listen to the message three more times before I finally call
him back.
It doesn’t even finish ringing once. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I chew on the inside of my lip, trying to summon some courage.
“Did you get my message? And all the stuff I sent?”
“I did. Thank you. Um . . . I was wondering if you want to come over? I have all this food and these boxes to open . . . maybe we could have dinner?”
“I’d love that, but I don’t want you to feel obligated to invite me over. I sent all that stuff because I want to help however I can, and I figured this was a good start,” he says softly, sounding hopeful.
“It was. It is a good start, I mean. And I don’t feel obligated. Not really. Not in the way I think you’re thinking.”
“I can be there in less than half an hour.”
“Okay. Great.”
I realize I’m still in my stupid uniform, and I likely smell fishy. I take Kody with me into the bathroom and sing to him while I shower away the eau de aquarium.
I decide to go with leggings and a long, loose shirt. I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard, but I also don’t want to look like I’m not trying at all. I’m back to my prepregnancy weight, but my boobs are twice as big because I’m breastfeeding, and my stomach is a little less toned thanks to how big Kody got while he was in there. I have a few stretch marks left behind as an extra reminder that I’m a giver of life, and I don’t mind them one bit.
I brush out my hair, braid it while it’s still wet, and finish up by applying a little concealer under my eyes to manage the dark circles. I exhale a long breath as I stand in front of the bathroom mirror and inspect my reflection. This isn’t a date, but in a lot of ways it feels like one.
My stomach growls, reminding me that I haven’t eaten since lunch, at the same time as my buzzer goes off. Kody lets out an aggravated wail, and I pluck him from his activity center, rushing down the hall to buzz RJ in.
I wait by the door, bouncing Kody on my hip while I listen for the elevator. I usher him in quickly, feeling a pang of guilt as I glance at Walter’s door.
I need to find out what exactly RJ wants out of this. I don’t want to open my heart back up to him just to have it broken all over again. It was one thing when we were both single and looking to enjoy each other’s company, but now my life is completely different. And so is his.
I close the door in time to see Walter’s start to open. I lock it and slide the chain latch home. Kody gives me another annoyed squawk and rubs his eyes. “Is someone getting tired?” I coo and kiss his cheek.
RJ holds up a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of wine, and a little gift bag and gives me a chagrined smile as he glances around my apartment. Since he appeared at the aquarium, he’s been sending me flowers regularly, so there’s a bouquet on almost every available surface. It’s a good thing most of them came in their own vases, since I only had one of my own.
I glance pointedly at the stack of boxes still sitting just inside the door. “As if all of this wasn’t enough?”
“I didn’t want to come over empty handed.” He rocks back on his heels and smiles, making that little dimple that matches Kody’s pop.
Kody wails again, head bumping against my collarbone as he pats my boob and grabs on to my shirt. “I think I’m going to have to feed him again before I do anything else. This is his witching hour. He’s tired, but he’s hungry.”
“What can I do to help? Can I feed him?”
“I’ve got the feeding part covered.” I motion to my boobs.
“Oh, right.” RJ’s gaze drops and his eyes flare, cheeks flushing. “Should I start on dinner, then?”
“Sure. It’s on the counter. Let me show you where the pots are. I was thinking the pasta puttanesca would be nice.”
He follows me to the kitchen, and I show him where the pots and pans are. I check the recipe—the meals come with directions—and then I leave him to get started while I settle in the chair in the living room to feed Kody.
He latches on quickly, always extra hungry in the evenings, like he’s been waiting all day for my boob because a bottle just isn’t the same. I smooth out his dark, thick hair, trying to settle the cowlick, which keeps curling back up.
“Hey, Lainey, can I get you something to—oh shit, sorry!”
I look up to find RJ standing in the middle of the living room, eyes comically wide and focused on where Kody is latched on to my breast, one hand splayed protectively over the swell.
“I, uh . . . I wanted to see if I could get you something to drink, but you’re booby, I mean busy. I mean—sorry.” RJ blinks a bunch of times and averts his gaze, but he doesn’t seem to be able to help the way his eyes keep darting back to me and my exposed breast.
“Water would be nice, actually.”
“Okay. I can get you that. I’ll be right back.” He returns a minute later, setting the glass on the table beside me while trying to keep his eyes anywhere but me and failing completely.
I touch the back of his hand. “There’s a privacy blanket over there, if it would make you more comfortable.”
He looks at me and then down again and back up. “What?”
“I can cover up if it makes you uncomfortable. For now, anyway,” I amend.
He licks his lips. “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m not uncomfortable.”
“Then don’t cover up for my sake.” His eyes stay on mine, and a wry grin pulls at the corner of his mouth. “It’s more envy than discomfort at this point, anyway.”
I blush, not knowing what to say, but pleased he’s still attracted to me.
He heads back to the kitchen.
Kody snuffles, and his hand flexes on my breast. “Don’t worry, little man, they’re all yours for at least another six months.” Although it’s nice to be reminded that I won’t be a feed bag forever.
Dinner is almost ready by the time Kody’s done feeding. He’s sleepy and sated, at least for now, so I settle him in his swing, turn on the lullaby track, and join RJ for dinner at the dining room table, which I rarely use. I get two bites in before Kody starts fussing.
“Sorry, he gets cranky around this time in the evening. He doesn’t really like to be put down until he’s ready for bed.” I pick him up and cradle him in one arm so I can soothe and eat at the same time.
“I could hold him while you eat,” RJ offers.
“It’s okay. I’m used to doing most things one handed these days. The fact that I’m eating something that’s still warm is actually a treat.”
RJ sets his fork down. “I get to eat hot food all the time, with both hands. I really wouldn’t mind holding him. Please?”
I realize then that he hasn’t even had a chance to hold him once yet. Yesterday I was scared of what I stand to lose by bringing RJ into our lives. But I can see that he’s trying, and I can also see that despite the lies he told me, he’s still kind and considerate and trying his best—so I need to try my best too, even if I’m still afraid.
Besides, this isn’t about just me anymore. It’s about Kody growing up with a father he knows and who loves him, and I need to give RJ the chance to be that, if it’s what he truly wants. I can’t freeze him out because of my own fears, even if in some ways they’re valid. His lies make sense now that I’ve seen what his life is like, and I might not like what he did, but at least he’s not making excuses. And he’s not running the other way or throwing money at me to keep me quiet. He wouldn’t be sitting across from me at my dining room table, after cooking dinner he bought, if he weren’t trying to show he’s invested.
“Of course.” I kiss Kody’s forehead as I push back my chair and stand. “I’m sorry I didn’t think to let you hold him before now—it’s just that I’m so used to having him all to myself. It’s been him and me against the world.”
“I can understand that.” RJ smiles up at me.
I return the grin, directing him how to position his arms and cradle Kody’s head.
He
looks so tiny in RJ’s arms. I stand back and press my fingers to my lips, fighting tears as I watch RJ’s face light up with wonder. Kody makes a plaintive little noise, eyes darting to me. I stroke his warm cheek. “It’s okay, baby,” I coo. “This is your daddy.”
I grab my phone from the side table where I left it and snap a few pictures of RJ and Kody before I sit down and resume eating. RJ’s full attention is on our son, who has discovered his finger and keeps trying to eat it. Once I’m finished, RJ reluctantly passes him back. Kody snuggles right into my neck, one hand resting possessively on my boob. I sniff his head, taking in his baby scent and now the faint smell of RJ’s cologne.
After we’re finished with dinner, I pass Kody back to RJ and clean up the kitchen while he cuddles him. It’s sweet and wonderful and confusing—because it makes me hopeful.
Once the kitchen is tidied and the leftovers are put away, I open the bottle of wine and pour us each a glass, although mine is modest since I’ll need to feed Kody again around midnight. Usually I’d put him in his crib at this point in the evening, but I don’t want to take him from RJ, especially when they’re so enthralled with each other. Kody can’t seem to take his eyes off RJ, and he giggles every time RJ makes a face or tickles his little feet. While Walter seems to enjoy Kody, he never really settles with him, not like this.
Once RJ is seated, I help make him more comfortable by propping his arm up with a cushion. “Is that better?”
“Yeah, much. Thanks.” He smiles. “You’re great at this—you know that, right?”
“Not really. I’m just figuring things out as I go.”
“That’s kind of how parenting is, though, isn’t it?”
“Seems that way.”
I spend the next half hour opening the various boxes RJ sent. There are clothes—most of which won’t fit Kody for a few more months—toys, a new top-of-the-line stroller I drooled over when I was pregnant but knew I’d never be able to afford. There’s even a sweet little hockey jersey with “Bowman” and RJ’s number on the back—and a teddy bear with a matching jersey that’s almost the same size as Kody.
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