by Joanna Bell
We walked back to the longhouse together as the evening drew quietly in around us, our hearts full of the things that remained unsaid.
Chapter Three
Heather
Life with my aunt and uncle turned out to be a bit like boot camp. Up at six a.m. every day to help with Brad – their older son, Daniel, had been shipped off to summer camp until late August – and then off to work at the local grocery store where I'd found a job as a checkout girl. Home by five, helping with getting Brad fed and bathed and put into bed and then lights out by nine-thirty.
Two weeks in, and there were no signs of softening on Brenda's part. I was allowed to have Saturday afternoons free, but any enquiries about going out on a Saturday night were shut down at once. She wasn't a kind woman – even her care for her own disabled son tended to the almost military in style, measuring his food out by the ounce and then lecturing him impatiently if he didn't finish it in the allotted time before his bath.
But as rigid as I found Brenda Renner, she wasn't my mother. And that was something.
It was during a break from work one day, as I sat outside the River Falls Grocery King eating a tuna sandwich that I first spotted Judy Decker. She was short and just a little bit pudgy – but the kind of pudgy that actually looked kind of cute on her – and she was wearing a sleeveless Whitesnake concert tee. It was as I was staring at her that she happened to turn and stare right back. Two girls, one in a Whitesnake tee and heavy eyeliner, the other in a Grocery King smock and heavy eyeliner. I think we both knew right away we'd both found a kindred spirit.
"Hey," she said, a little hesitantly.
"Uh, hey."
"You new around here?"
I nodded and swallowed the last of my sandwich. "Yeah. I'm just here for the summer. I'm Heather Renner – Brenda and Bill's niece. I love your shirt. Did it come like that or –"
"Nah. I cut the sleeves off myself. Was gonna cut it down the chest, too, but my mom would go crazy. I'm Judy, by the way. Judy Decker."
We stood chatting in front of the Grocery King for long enough to draw my manager out, scowling, to ask me sarcastically if I had time to take out of my busy social life to come back to work.
"Yeah!" I told him. "I'm sorry – I – just gimme a second. Do you have a pen?"
Jerry – the manager – sighed and pulled a pen out of his breast pocket before handing it to me.
"Give me your hand," I told Judy, quickly writing my number across the back of it when she did so. "Call me, OK? And, uh, try to be polite – my aunt is real uptight."
Judy grinned. "OK. See ya."
A couple of days later, the phone rang at Brenda and Bill's house, just as I was helping to clear the dishes off the table after dinner.
"Should I answer it?" I called into the dining room, hoping it was Judy.
"Remember what we told you to say," Brenda called back.
I skipped over to the little 'office' alcove where the phone sat and picked it up.
"Renner residence."
"Hello, this is Judy Decker, I'm calling for Heath –"
It was her! I hadn't been in River Falls for long, but I was already desperately lonely without any friends. "It's me!" I replied, grinning.
We'd barely got the greetings out of the way when Brenda suddenly appeared beside me, her hands on her hips, eying me.
"Hold on a sec," I told Judy, before offering Brenda a polite smile.
"I take it that call is for you?" She demanded, sighing heavily.
"Uh yeah, it is. It's Judy – Judy Decker. I met her at –"
"I don't recall giving you permission to hand out our phone number."
I took a step back, surprised. It hadn't crossed my mind that my aunt and uncle wouldn't allow me to take phone calls from any friends I made. "Oh," I said, glancing down at the floor as I had learned to do during conversations with Brenda. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you –"
"You have to help me with Brad's bath," my aunt said, taking the phone receiver out of my hand. "And you have to do the dishes. I don't know if you thought you were coming to spend the summer with us so you could spend all your time flirting with boys and –"
"Judy's a girl, aunt Br–"
Without a word to Judy, who was still waiting on the other end of the line, Brenda placed the phone receiver back in the cradle and gave me a sharp look. "And what did we say about backtalk? Your mother told me all about you, Heather, and if you think you're here to have fun this summer all I can say is that you're sorely mistaken. Now hurry up with the dishes so we can get Brad ready for bed."
Speechless at her rudeness but hyper-aware that my aunt was likely to respond badly to almost anything I said, I simply turned and headed back towards the sink, hoping that Judy Decker would see fit to drop by the Grocery King again so I could explain the abrupt end of the call.
And luckily for me, that's exactly what she did the next day. I was standing outside again, taking a short smoke break and trying not to think about what I was going to do at the end of the summer when she walked up with a huge grin on her face.
"Are you trying to lose weight?"
I shook my head confused. "No – I mean, my mom always says I need to lose five –"
"No," Judy laughed, pointing at the Diet Coke can sitting on the rickety wooden picnic table that Jerry put in place for his employees to use on their breaks.
"Oh!" I smiled, relieved I wasn't being insulted. "Oh yeah, uh, no. I mean, my mom says I could stand to lose a few pounds and I guess she's –"
"Ugh. You are so totally not fat. Your mom's full of it."
Judy was dressed in an amazing outfit – denim miniskirt, a black cropped mesh tank top over a cropped white t-shirt and a length of ripped black lace tied around one wrist. On her feet were a pair of purple glitter jelly shoes, the kind I was coveting but hadn't been able to find in River Falls.
"About last night," I started, because I had to apologize before I started interrogating her on where she got her shoes. "My aunt wanted me to –"
Judy waved her hand. "It doesn't matter – I heard what she was saying. You weren't kidding about her being uptight were you? What are you, their slave?"
I smiled ruefully and looked out over the parking lot, where a woman in pale yellow short shorts and Dr. Scholl's sandals was clopping across the tarmac and yelling at two little kids who were running literal circles around her. "No. I mean, maybe a little. But believe me, anything's better than being back in L.A. with my mom."
My new maybe-friend slid onto the seat next to me and grabbed my Diet Coke to take a sip. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-two – how about you?"
"Same," Judy replied. "So why don't you just move out then? I mean, if you're twenty-two you don't have to be out here in the middle of nowhere, do you?"
I kept my eyes focused on the woman in the parking lot. "No, I don't. I just, uh – something happened back home. I got into some trouble and it..." I trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence.
"Some trouble?"
I turned and looked right at Judy Decker. Why not tell her? If she was going to judge me then it was best to get it over with, right? But she didn't really feel like the judging type, and if I needed anything that summer, it was a friend.
"I got pregnant. Last year, when I was in my first year at college. I went back to this boy's room and things got a little out of hand and –"
"Things got a little out of hand? What do you mean?"
A strange vibration seemed to have set up under my skin, one I remembered from the days immediately following the incident in Josh Muller's room. It set my teeth on edge and brought back all those feelings of helplessness and rage and loneliness.
"I mean they got out of hand. I liked him, OK? He was in a frat and he had this great smile and he said it was just so we could listen to records but, uh –"
"He raped you?" Judy asked, very quietly, when I trailed off again.
At once, I lifted my head and looked around, to make
sure no one had heard the word being spoken aloud. We were alone. Thank God. My heart hammered in my chest and my mouth suddenly felt dry.
There it was. The word. The one that had stuck in everyone's throat – the one that seemed to be too terrible to speak aloud. Judy must have seen my face turn white because she immediately began apologizing.
"I'm sorry. I have a big mouth – my mom always says so. I didn't mean to – you don't have to talk about –"
"No," I said suddenly – and a little forcefully. Where was Josh Muller? He was probably back on campus, spending the summer partying with his frat brothers. He was nowhere close to River Falls, New York. Neither was my mother. "No, it's alright. No one said he raped me. His parents actually threatened to have me kicked out of college if I didn't have an abortion. My mom said I should never have gone back to his room in the first place, and I did, so..."
"But did he? I mean, did he force you?"
It felt surreal to be talking about the incident that, after my parents pulled me out of college and I miscarried before they could try to strong-arm me into a 'procedure,' had literally never been spoken of again. I half-expected a lightning bolt to snake down out of the clear blue sky and strike me down. But there was no lightning bolt. There was just Judy Decker and her kindly, reassuring presence, and a wasp buzzing around the open can of soda on an early summer afternoon.
"Yes, he forced me. I tried to fight back at first but he was pretty strong – a lot stronger than me. He said if I kept fighting he was going to kill me, so I stopped fighting. And no one, uh, no one –" I heard my own voice rising and swallowed, hard, before continuing. "No one believed me. I didn't have any bruises or marks on me, and everyone who was at the party said they saw me leave with Josh."
"So he got away with it? And you had to leave college? And your parents – your mom – believed him? Not you?"
I shrugged. "If you knew my mom, you'd understand. She's never liked me. All she did after it happened was pull me aside and tell me that if I decided to have the baby I shouldn't expect any help from them at all."
"That is so harsh."
"I know. After I left college I just started having these weird episodes where I would feel like I was losing my mind or something. I tried getting a job but it kept happening, and then I started partying a lot more and – here I am, I guess."
We sat quietly for a little while, watching Grocery King customers coming and going in the parking lot. A couple of minutes before I had to go back inside, Judy looked over at me and said:
"I believe you."
I turned to look back at her and she repeated it.
"I believe you, Heather. Same thing happened to someone I know. That must have been so hard without your parents on your side, though."
I had to go back to work. I didn't have time to cry, and I knew Jerry wouldn't be happy if I went back to my till with red eyes and a runny nose.
"Thank you," I whispered to Judy as she gave my hand a squeeze. And then she asked me what I was doing that Sunday.
"Helping my aunt and uncle," I replied, as something in my new friend's eyes sparkled. "Why?"
"Because me and a group of people are going to a concert, and someone dropped out yesterday. I thought you might want to come along?"
Los Angeles – and my life there, which had lately included a lot of concerts and events – seemed a thousand miles away. I didn't know what kind of band would be playing River Falls, New York and I didn't care – a night out was just what I wanted. Maybe if I asked nicely Brenda would let me go? And even if she didn't, talking to Judy had made a few things clear to me – one of which was that there was actually nothing keeping me at my aunt and uncle's house, on their schedule. I didn't want to go home to my parents yet – especially not now that it seemed I might be making some friends – but I was a legal adult. I could help them with Brad and the housework and take a Sunday night off if I wanted to.
"Yeah," I said, nodding. "Yeah I would love to."
"Mad cool! So how about we just meet – um, do you know where the skating rink is?"
"Beside the school, right?"
"That's it. Meet us there at two on Sunday, OK?"
I balked slightly. "Two? As in, two in the afternoon?"
Judy smiled. "Yeah, it's a little early but we gotta drive. Come on, I promise you'll have a good time!"
"OK," I agreed, filled with the double exhilaration of having confessed the incident with Josh and the feeling that Judy and I were on our way to becoming real friends. "OK, yeah, let's do it! Two o'clock, at the skating rink. I'll be there."
I got up to go back inside and Judy grabbed my arm just before I did so.
"I forgot – wear something totally bitchin' on Sunday. And don't forget your hair and make-up!"
I spent the rest of the week doing what I did every day – following the routine. And I never did find the right moment to broach the subject of having Sunday afternoon off with aunt Brenda. So when Sunday actually rolled around and she found me in my room at just past one o'clock in the afternoon with a hot curling iron in one hand and a can of hairspray in the other, her eyebrows immediately flew up. I forced myself to keep calmly attending to achieving the maximum hair volume possible – after all, I didn't have to make excuses to my aunt. Brad was napping and she and Bill could deal with him that evening without me for one night.
"And what do you think you're doing?" She asked finally, when she realized I wasn't going to offer up an explanation without being asked.
"I'm getting ready," I replied. "I'm going out with Judy Decker – remember she called a few days ago?"
Aunt Brenda stood silently for a few moments as her eyes got wider and wider. "You're going where?" She asked, and I could hear from her tone of voice that whatever was coming was not going to be good. "I'm sorry, Heather, but I don't recall giving you permission to –"
"You're right," I cut her off – which I probably shouldn't have done. "You didn't give me permission, because I didn't ask. I'm twenty-two years old and I've done everything you asked since I got here – including handing over most of my paychecks, which I don't actually have to do. It's just one night, I'll be back soon and –"
"You are living in our house!" Brenda barked, her cheeks – already caked in hot pink rouge – getting even pinker. "You are living under our roof! You are eating our food! This isn't some vacation house where you can just come and go as you please – and if you think it is, all it takes is one phone call to your parents and –"
"And what?!" I asked, raising my voice and standing up to face her. "You're going to send me home? After I pay you half my paycheck every two weeks and help you out with Brad for hours every day, on top of my job? Sounds like a bad deal for you, aunt –"
"How dare you!" She spluttered, as I heard uncle Bill calling from downstairs, asking what was going on. "How dare you! After we take you into our home! After we –"
I'd had enough. I knelt down and scooped my make-up and hairspray and various hair accessories into my purse and walked out, pushing past my uncle as he made his way towards my bedroom. The last thing I heard before I left was my aunt's aggrieved voice, swearing that she was going to call my parents and send me home on the next flight.
"Yeah right," I said to myself as I headed down through the backyard, boiling with anger.
The walk to the skating rink ended up taking a lot longer than I thought it would. It took so long, in fact, that I didn't even get there before a silver Datsun honked and pulled over to the side of the road just in front of me. Judy's head immediately popped out of the front passenger window.
"Where the hell were you?! We waited and waited and then we decided to come looking for you. Now get in or we're gonna be late!"
There were already five people in the car – three in the backseat and two in the front. After a little maneuvering I found myself half-on, half-off the lap of a man with a big, glorious poof of blonde hair and jeans so tight I hardly dared look at them.
Judy did the
introductions. Her boyfriend, Steve, was driving, and in the back with me were Patty, Chad (of the tight jeans) and Christie. Everyone was in a boisterously good mood, and thankfully the windows of the car were all rolled down so I wasn't overcome by hairspray fumes.
It was the first time for weeks that I'd been with a group of people my own age, just talking, hanging out, not worrying about what anyone else was thinking of me. It was only when someone mentioned that it was five-thirty that I thought to ask where we were going. Three and a half hours of driving? Were we going to Canada?
Judy turned around and looked over the passenger seat at me, a huge grin on her face. She looked at Patty, Chad and Christie.
"Should we tell her?"
"Tell me what?" I asked, looking around and seeing now that no one was even trying to hide those 'we know something you don't' expressions on their faces. "Come on, tell me what? Where are we going?"
Christie giggled and shrugged. "Oh, nowhere. There's just this totally obscure British band we heard about, just doing a small show in Buffalo."
"What British band?" I asked, exasperated but happy because the truth was it really didn't matter if we were going to see some band I'd never heard of – I was dressed up, I was with new friends and neither my mom nor my aunt Brenda could do anything about it.
Steve looked at me in the rearview mirror. "You probably haven't heard of them, Heather. I don't think they're famous in California."
"That's fine!" I replied – what did they think I was going to do? Go crazy because the band we were going to see were new to me? "I don't mind. I just wanted to get out of that house for a few hours."