Throughout the course of the weekend, I’d had plenty of time to think and had come to the conclusion that I should take my mother’s advice and tell the counselor everything. I was focusing on finally getting some help so that I could deal with Sara once and for all.
Last night, I had also decided to do some research on the internet and see what I could find out about bullying and how to cope with it. The one thing that clearly stood out was that if a person finds themselves in a situation where they are being bullied, they need to find someone to talk to for advice and help. I was surprised to find out that most people who are bullied, tend to keep the problem to themselves just like I’ve been doing. But this never solves anything. In fact, it usually makes matters worse. It’s horrible not having anyone to confide in.
Miss Jennings, the counselor had a very kind and reassuring manner and I found her really easy to talk to. She sat and listened while I poured out the details and she didn’t comment at all except for saying, “Go on, Julia, I’m listening,” in a really encouraging and non-judgmental tone. And the best part was that she actually seemed to believe my version of what had been going on.
She asked me how I reacted when I felt intimidated by Sara and I explained that she made me feel nervous and scared. Miss Jennings told me that this was where my problem was. She said that bullies often pick on people who have a weakness or who they can get a reaction from and if the bully is able to feel power, then they simply continue. She said that the secret to dealing with people like Sara is to hide your fear.
“You need to be confident around her, Julia. If she believes that she’s not affecting you, she’ll eventually get bored and stop.”
“But it’s not that easy!” I exclaimed. “Look at the things she’s capable of. She’s crazy and she’s completely obsessed with upsetting me!”
“That’s because she knows she can upset you,” said Miss Jennings quietly. “The trick is to be confident and show her that you aren’t upset anymore!”
“What are you good at, Julia? What do you like doing?” Miss Jennings asked.
“I love dancing,” was my quick reply. “And a group of girls and I are entering the dance off competition in a couple of weeks. We’re really hoping to win!”
“How do you feel, when you’re dancing?” she continued. “Does it make you feel good inside?”
“Absolutely!” I replied. “I feel great when I’m dancing.”
“Then that’s it!” she said excitedly. “That’s the feeling that you need to have, not just when you’re dancing but all the time, and especially when you’re around Sara. Show her that you are a confident person. Look her in the eye rather than looking away when she stares in your direction. And don’t back down if she confronts you.”
“I’m sure that isn’t as easy as it sounds,” I said to her.
“No, it’s not,” was her reply. “But if you need to, then just fake it! Pretend that you’re really confident even if you don’t feel it. As long as she thinks that you are, then that’s all that matters. And soon, it will come naturally to you and you won’t have to fake it anymore.”
“We can practice right here in my office,” she suggested. “I’ll pretend to be Sara giving you a hard time and you have a go at being the new confident Julia Jones.”
“Okay,” I hesitatingly agreed. “I’ll give it a try.”
At first it felt silly, standing tall with my shoulders back and looking Miss Jennings in the eye. I really struggled to look and sound confident, but after a while, it became easier and by the time I left her office, I almost felt like a different person.
Miss Jennings arranged for me to see her every day that week so I could practice acting and feeling sure of myself, rather than scared and fearful. And it just so happened that Sara wasn’t at school after all. Apparently she was unwell, but I wondered if she was actually worrying about finally being caught out for what she had done to me at camp.
By the time she returned the following Monday, I was feeling pretty confident, I must admit. That was until I saw her face to face and then the familiar feelings of anxiety and fear started to take hold.
But Miss Jennings’ words rushed through my mind. “Take a deep breath, stand tall and look her in the eye. Remember, fake it if you have to!”
So that was what I did and the frown of confusion that crossed her face was enough to give me the courage to continue. “Hello Sara! Have you been too sick to come to school? Or has something else been worrying you? Do you know that you have an appointment with Miss Jennings today?”
I could barely believe that the confident voice I was hearing was actually coming from me. Then I strode straight past her, head up tall and shoulders back, smiling triumphantly at the glimpse of total shock that had appeared on her face. I flicked my hair to one side and kept walking.
I finally allowed myself to breathe. I was trembling slightly at what I had just done and was worried that she might even come after me. But there had been no need. I had actually put her in her place for once and it felt so good!
The dance competition…
Finally the day of the dance competition arrived. The girls and I had been practicing every spare moment we had and felt that we were definitely ready. There were ten dance groups in all and I knew that we had some tough competition, particularly from Sara’s group and also Blake’s, but I felt confident that we’d at least make the top three.
The whole school was assembled in the hall ready for the concert to begin. I glanced across at Sara who was sitting nearby. She gave me a quick look and then turned towards the stage. Since my visits with Miss Jennings, the fear I used to feel whenever I was anywhere near Sara, had disappeared. I was now able to look her in the eye without feeling nervous or intimidated.
At first, she kept trying to embarrass or humiliate me at any opportunity, but I just knew that I had to stay strong. I began by pretending to feel totally confident even though I was shaking inside. Sometimes I even laughed at her nasty comments, making out they didn’t bother me in the slightest. Then it didn’t take long at all before I noticed that she was losing interest. She’d lost her power over me.
There was no scared reaction from me anymore so I guess there was no point in trying to antagonize me further. I could even see her friends were beginning to respect me. As I could no longer be pushed around, she stopped trying. And all it had taken was to develop some confidence.
I don’t think I could have done it without my dancing though. Being involved in something that I’m good at has made me feel so much better about myself and given me the confidence boost that I desperately needed.
Waiting for our turn to perform, I thought back over the last few months and the nightmare I had experienced. It all seemed like a dream now and it was hard to believe that it had actually happened. As I sat there, I wondered if Sara would look for someone else to bully. For some strange reason, people like her need to feel power over others as it helps them to feel good about themselves.
But as we were called on stage for our turn, all thoughts of Sara completely left my mind. I strode past her without a second glance, nervous but also excited to be performing in front of the whole school. As the music started, I spotted Blake Jansen looking towards me. Then to my huge surprise he nodded his head in encouragement and flashed me a winning smile.
It was such an amazing sensation to be on that stage doing something we loved and I knew afterwards that we had managed to blitz our dance. We all felt so proud! The applause was deafening!
Being handed the winner’s trophy and a $200 voucher to share with my dance group was the biggest thrill I have ever had. And to top it all off, Blake was one of the first to congratulate us.
“You guys definitely deserved to win,” he said sincerely.
Then, with a shy but hopeful look he asked, “Do you want to hang out together sometime, Julia? Maybe even during the holiday break?”
“Yeah, that’d be fun!” I replied, smiling happily.
And as we headed out of the hall together, I could see Sara’s eyes following us. Not that I cared whatsoever. School was over for the semester and I had a funny feeling that the holidays were going to be better than ever!
***
Book 3 - My Secret Dream
Dream…
He looked at me and I truly thought my heart had skipped a beat. I’d never experienced that feeling before. But the sight of the new boy, Harry Robinson, walking in my direction and smiling warmly at me was something I had only dared to imagine.
“Do you want to dance?” he asked.
“Okay,” I stammered. When he took hold of my hand and led me to the dance floor, I felt as if I were in heaven. “Is this really happening?” I wondered.
I could feel a familiar nervous anxiety starting to form in the pit of my stomach but his reassuring smile caused the uneasy feelings to completely disappear. The image of the two of us, hand in hand as we danced to the slow romantic tune was etched in my mind. And as Sara Hamilton and her friends looked on with envy, I was the proudest 12 year old girl alive at that moment.
The sudden loud ringing in my ears was deafening as the image of Harry’s handsome face quickly melted away. I opened my eyes and tried to focus. Then the realization hit me. I was actually in bed, my alarm was ringing and it was a school day. I had been dreaming.
“NOOO!” I cried. “That was the best dream ever! I want to go back to sleep and keep on dreaming!”
If only dreams did come true. This was the thought that flashed through my mind as I reluctantly tumbled out of bed and headed for the bathroom, only to find the door locked. Great! Just what I need - my brother in the bathroom again. I swear that every time I want to use it, he seems to beat me. And he’s worse than me! For goodness sake, how can a boy take so long? I headed miserably downstairs for some breakfast.
“Aren’t girls the ones who are supposed to hog bathrooms, not boys?” I asked my mother as I gulped down my cereal.
When my brother emerged, hair all gelled and reeking of after-shave, I was finally able to have my turn. With five minutes to spare, I stepped crossly over the dripping wet towel still lying in a pool of water on the floor and quickly got myself showered and ready for school.
Sitting on the school bus that morning, I thought back to the dream that I still remembered so vividly. Yes, if only dreams did come true! I would be the happiest girl ever! But I knew that there was no way that was going to happen. Why on earth would a boy like Harry Robinson even look at me, let alone ask me to dance? Ever since starting at our school a few weeks ago, he had hung out in the popular crowd with the popular boys and the popular girls – the pretty girls. The group that I longed to be a part of but knew that I never would. I stared glumly out of the window as the bus pulled to a stop at the front of the school.
Friends…
“Hey Julia!” called Millie. I looked up to see my best friend running towards me, grinning from ear to ear. “You’ll never guess what! Mom brought home a guitar last night. I mentioned that Mr. Casey is giving lessons at school and when I told her that I was keen to learn, she went out and bought one for me – just like that! It’s so cool! And I’m going to start lessons this week.”
“Wow!” I replied. “You’re SO lucky!”
Learning the guitar was something that I’d wanted to do for ages now. But my parents weren’t interested. “You have your dancing, Julia!” is what my mom always said when I asked her. “That’s enough! Music lessons are very expensive and we can’t afford for you to be taking up something else. Your dancing is enough!” she repeated. So I’d given up asking a long time ago.
I was happy for Millie but couldn’t help feeling envious. Everything Millie wanted, Millie got. And she was even given things that she didn’t want or hadn’t asked for. She knew that I’ve been really keen to learn how to play guitar and now that we have a guitar teacher at school, it’s the perfect opportunity. I’ve been talking to her about this for the last few weeks. But it now looks as though she’s going to be the one learning and not me.
This happens a lot with Millie. She’s a really good friend and everything, but it seems that she always gets what she wants. And she often gets the things I want as well. I guess if you have rich parents and they’re happy to buy you things all the time, then why not?
The bell sounded and we headed off to class. I sat silently in my seat, thinking about Millie and how fortunate she was. I tried to convince myself not to be jealous but found it very difficult.
“You’re quiet today!” Millie exclaimed at morning recess. “Is there something wrong?”
“No,” I replied. “I’m fine. Just tired, that’s all.”
“Why don’t you come over to my house this afternoon and I can show you my guitar?” Millie asked. “I’m sure you’ll love it.”
“Yes, I’m sure I will,” I replied a little too sarcastically.
I then forced myself to snap out of it. I wasn’t being fair to Millie. Just because she was rich and was often spoilt by her parents didn’t give me the right to treat her badly. She was a good friend and didn’t deserve that.
So I continued, “I’d love to come over, Millie. I’m sure Mom won’t mind as long as I’m home by five.”
We agreed that’s what we would do and I proceeded to ask Millie about her guitar and what it looked like. As we sat there chatting, I spotted Harry Robinson and his friends, sitting in a group along with Sara Hamilton and some of her besties. Of course they were all together. They were the cool crowd. They didn’t even notice kids like Millie and I. Although for this I was grateful.
Sara was new to our school last semester and I had been through a terrible time with her constantly bullying me. It had actually become so bad, that I had wanted to change schools. I’d had no idea that someone could be so mean. It was only because Miss Jennings, the school counselor, had helped me to be more assertive and confident, that I was able to stop the bullying from happening. It’s amazing how effective it was when I simply stood up for myself rather than letting her bully me the way she did. And since then, she hasn’t been a problem. Not to me anyway! I’ve noticed that she has since found other girls to pick on though.
I guess that some people are just like that. Miss Johnson said that people with low self-esteem often try to build themselves up by attempting to have control over others. That’s certainly what Sara did to me. And looking back, I can’t believe that I put up with it.
I’m so glad to be over that problem and while I really don’t want to be Sara’s friend, I would still like to hang out with the cool crowd. And Harry is so good looking! No wonder all those girls want to be near him. I sat there absentmindedly thinking about the dream I had had that morning. Until Millie broke through my thoughts, “What are you thinking about Julia? You have a really strange look on your face!”
I turned bright red and looked away. I hadn’t told Millie about my crush on Harry and especially that I had been dreaming about him. That was just too embarrassing! Imagine if she told the other kids. And imagine if Harry found out. How humiliating that would be! I’d be the laughing stock of the whole of grade seven. Sara Hamilton and all her friends would think it was hilarious. No, I had already decided, that it was best to keep things like that to myself.
And besides that, Millie isn’t very good at keeping secrets. Last year, she told Kristy Richards that I didn’t like her. I can’t believe she did that. Sure it was true that I didn’t like Kristy Richards. She was really possessive of Millie and wouldn’t let me anywhere near her. Every time I tried to join in, she would take Millie in the opposite direction and leave me out. But I didn’t want Millie to tell her what I had said. Kristy ended up bursting into tears, I got into trouble from the teacher for being mean to her and she hasn’t spoken to me since.
I wish I could tell Millie secrets though. Isn’t that what best friends are for? But Millie has changed a lot lately. I know that she wants to be part of the cool group too. And sometimes, I think that she�
�d rather be friends with them than with me.
Some of those kids are learning guitar with Mr. Casey. He’s a really cool teacher and really popular with all the kids at our school. I’m wondering if that’s why Millie wants to learn, so she can become one of the cool kids and they’ll accept her into their group.
But I didn’t want to think about that happening. That would be terrible. So I switched my thoughts back to our plans for the afternoon. Then before I knew it, I was laughing with Millie and having fun, the way I usually did when we were together. It was so nice to be completely oblivious of everyone else, including Harry Robinson; just Millie and I, hanging out and being best friends. I decided there was no way that anything could affect our friendship.
I want to be a Rock Star…
“Millie’s guitar is so cool!” I thought to myself as I lay in bed, trying to drift off to sleep. Our afternoon together at her house had been fun, the way I knew it would be. It always is when it’s just Millie and I together, with no one else around to distract or bother us.
When Millie offered me a turn, I couldn’t resist and before I knew it, I had figured out how to play a simple song. “That’s amazing,” Millie had commented. “Who showed you how to do that?”
“No one,” I replied. “I just kind of figured it out by myself.”
“Julia, you’re a natural,” Millie had said. “You’re the one who really should be learning how to play.”
I tossed and turned, Millie’s words racing through my head. I would desperately love to learn how to play the guitar. People have commented many times that I have music in my blood. I love dancing and I guess I’m pretty good at that. But I love listening to music and singing, just as much. I often go on YouTube to learn the words to the latest hit songs. Apparently, my great grandmother was some type of classical singer, so maybe I get it from her. The problem is that neither of my parents are into music at all, so they’re not interested whatsoever in encouraging me in that direction.
Julia Jones' Diary - Boxed Set - Books 2 to 6 Page 5