by Hope Stone
“Pig.”
He playfully oinked in my direction before jogging over to his own bike. I didn’t wait for him to get his helmet on and mount his bike. I was sure he’d catch up. So, I shifted into gear and twisted the throttle, leading the bike out of the parking lot. There wasn’t a ton of traffic on this street, which I was sure appealed to Outlaw Souls when they obtained this building, so I didn’t have to wait at all before pulling out onto the road.
The wind whipped around me as I sped up, shifting into a higher gear. I felt powerful and free like this, and the bike was like an extension of my own body. It was so easy to control.
It took no time at all for Blade to catch up to me, falling into formation by riding behind me in the other side of the lane. We’d only ever be side-by-side during stops at stop signs or traffic lights. It had been a while since I rode, but it all came back to me easily. I found that I was operating the motorcycle without even thinking about it. It was like my body remembered what to do without the need for input from my brain.
I didn’t have a destination in mind. I just wanted to go. So, I wound my way through La Playa randomly, traveling familiar roads. I wasn’t thinking.
Then, I passed a trio of riders going in the opposite direction. I immediately recognized the lead rider as my dad. Dread crept up my spine, and I pulled off the road right after they passed. What if my dad recognized me? It might not be likely because I was wearing a full-face helmet, but it was possible. I looked over at Blade as he pulled up alongside me.
Shit.
Damn Blade and the stupid patch he was wearing on the back of his jacket. If my dad recognized me and saw that, it was going to cause a problem.
“What’s wrong?” Blade asked as he pulled off his helmet. “Why’d we stop?”
“That was my dad we passed. Fuck.”
“So?”
“So?” I repeated, shaking my head. “Look at what you’re wearing.”
Blade frowned. “Is this another Outlaw Souls thing?”
“Of course it is. My relationship with him is rocky enough without him thinking that I’m involved with Outlaw Souls.”
“You know what? That’s pretty fucking sad if you ask me. Why should you have to worry about what he thinks? What’s he done to deserve such devotion?”
“He’s my dad,” I said defensively. I didn’t want him to know that he made a good point. It didn’t change anything.
“Yeah, well, dad’s aren’t always all they’re cracked up to be.”
“It’s called loyalty, Blade. Maybe they don’t care about that in Outlaw Souls, but Las Balas takes that seriously.”
“Whatever, Kat.” Blade looked pissed, and I hated that it bothered me. “I’m out of here.”
I watched him ride away, trying not to feel too guilty. I knew that I’d hurt his feelings, but I knew my dad would be angry if I were fraternizing with the enemy. When Blade was out of sight, I pulled my helmet back on and pointed my new bike toward home. Somehow, the thrill of the ride had left me.
Twenty-Two
Blade
I was back at Luca’s street fighting ring. I knew it was a back idea, with Outlaw Souls trying to find the weapons and force him out of town. Also, I hadn’t harassed Raymond Groves’s widow the way that Luca asked me to. I wasn’t sure how I would talk my way out of that.
But I always went a little nuts on the anniversary of my brother’s death, which happened to be today. For some reason, knowing that it happened on this date brought all the dark shit I tried to keep buried right to the surface.
I needed an outlet, and fighting was as good as it got. Of course, I’d used sex as a distraction in the past, but my relationship with Kat was complicated—if I could even call it a relationship at all—and I wasn’t interested in sleeping with anyone else. I supposed that I could since we’d agreed to have emotionless, casual sex, but I hadn’t found anyone else attractive since that first night I spent with her. She was too good in bed.
Shockingly, luck was on my side tonight, and Luca was absent again. I had no idea what he was up to, but I didn’t care. I was just happy that I didn’t have to act like I was interested in getting paid to do his dirty work. I wasn’t sure I had it in me to even pretend tonight.
Alex was also absent, but that was because I didn’t invite him. He was my cousin, so he knew exactly what today was, and I didn’t want to have to see his pity-filled gaze. He’d probably try to get me to talk about my feelings too.
No, thank you.
I had already participated in one fight this evening, and my opponent was a tough motherfucker. I’d won in the end, pummeling his face a couple more times than I needed to as a way to release some aggression, but I’d also taken a knee to the kidneys and was surely sporting a black eye.
It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. The world was full of bad shit, and life tended to screw you over at any opportunity.
I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing as I waited for the current fight to end so that I could go another round. I never did that, always signing up for one match and getting the hell out of here, but I was looking to hurt someone tonight. Or maybe I wanted to get hurt.
I didn’t know anymore.
When it was time to step back into the ring, I knew that my focus was off, but I didn’t care. My opponent for this fight was young. He almost looked like a teenager, but he was muscular. When the fight began, we started circling each other. I’d seen my opponent fight, and I knew that his style was similar to my own—keep moving. This should be interesting.
I surged forward, ready to jab him in his exposed side, but he pivoted at the last second, using my own momentum against me to kick at my leg, making contact that sent me sprawling.
It didn’t feel good to land on the concrete, but I popped right back up, turning back to face the guy. I saw red when he shot me a cocky smirk. Trying to channel that anger into the fight, I came at him again. I anticipated his defensive move this time and managed to misdirect him and swipe his legs. He landed much harder than I had, but he didn’t take even a second to recover. Instead, he threw himself into me, taking me down to the ground with a bear hug around my waist.
Suddenly the fight turned into a wrestling match, and that wasn’t my strong suit. I preferred to keep my distance as much as possible. Still, I tried my best to overpower him, ignoring the way the bare skin of my back burned from scraping against the rough concrete beneath us.
He hooked his arm around my neck, and I head-butted him to loosen his grip before I lost too much oxygen and passed out. Rolling over, I tried to pin him beneath me, but his fist collided with my jaw, and the next thing I knew, he was on top of me. I kept my arms up, trying to block my face from his blows, but he managed to get one past. I saw stars as he hit me in the side of the head, and my right temple throbbed.
Shit. I was in trouble here.
I brought my legs up, trying to knock him off of me, but it didn’t work, so I bucked like a bronco and was able to unseat him. I had a brief moment of satisfaction as I started to stand. I made it onto my hands and knees before his leg swung around, catching me in the ribs. I heard a sickening crack as pain exploded in my side. My strength left me, and I collapsed onto the floor.
It was the strangest thing, but I didn’t mind losing this fight. As my opponent stood above me, I only cared about the adrenaline rush that flooded my system, making me feel alive. That was all I wanted today, to feel something other than regret and grief.
Coming here might have been reckless, but it was worth it.
I knocked on the door of Kat’s house, telling myself that I was an idiot for coming here. I knew that she didn’t want to fuck at her place. I wasn’t clear on the reason for it, but I suspected it was just another attempt to keep me at a distance. I should probably take a hint.
Instead, I’d come here after leaving the warehouse. I’d picked myself up off the floor after my second fight, using my t-shirt to wipe the sweat and blood from my face before shrugging on
my jacket over my bare torso.
The door of the house opened and revealed Kat in a thin white t-shirt with no bra underneath and a pair of skimpy shorts. Her legs were long and smooth, and I trailed my eyes all the way down to her black toenails. Her toes curled as I looked at them, making me smile. She folded her arms across her chest and leaned her shoulder against the doorframe as she looked at me through the screen door.
“You look like shit,” she said, and I grinned. I knew that I looked like a walking bruise, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I’d heal.
“And you’re such a charmer.”
“What are you doing here?”
I shrugged. I really didn’t have a good answer for that. I wasn’t here for sex. As good as it was, tonight wasn’t a good time for that. My emotions were already fucked.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
She hesitated, staring at me for a long moment. I wasn’t sure what she saw in my eyes, but it must have convinced her because she nodded and stepped back. I opened the screen door and entered the house. It looked different than the last time I was here, on the night of our first date.
“You redecorating?” I asked, looking around. I had been pretty damn distracted that night, but the following morning, I remembered thinking that the place didn’t really feel like Kat. It made sense when she told me that her mom used to live with her. There were a lot of floral patterns and old furniture. Now, there was a more modern feeling to the place. The walls were dark, but the furniture and décor were light and bright. Somehow, it screamed Kat.
“Yeah. Been working on it for a couple of weeks. It was time.”
I didn’t hear the sadness in her voice that I would have expected, and I was happy for her. She was finally moving on from her mom’s death. I wish I was that strong. My life kept moving forward, but I still felt haunted by Mark after all these years. Maybe I always would.
“You want a beer?” she asked.
“If I ever say no to that question, there’s something seriously wrong.”
She gifted me with a small half-smile before going into the kitchen and grabbing two beers from the fridge. She twisted the tops off and threw them into the garbage before handing mine over.
“I was just about to go sit outside for a bit,” she said, walking toward the back door. From behind, her shorts were so short that I could see the bottoms of her ass cheeks. I took a big gulp of my cold beer, rethinking whether I was in a good headspace for sex tonight. Why did she have to be so irresistible?
Kat looked back at me over her shoulder. “You coming?”
I followed her outside, where there was a covered patio. A glass-topped table was surrounded by cushioned patio chairs sitting next to a propane grill. Kat took a seat, and I sat across from her. Kat lit a citronella candle, and the scent of it filled the air between us.
“What’s going on, Blade?” she asked after we’d been sitting in silence together for several minutes. I was comfortable with it, but I should have known that Kat would question me. I was lucky that she let me in the house at all.
I sighed before tipping my beer bottle back and emptying it. I stood.
“I’m gonna grab another. You want one?”
“Sure.”
I took my time in the house, but when I returned, Kat was waiting patiently. She wasn’t going to let me get out of answering her question. I knew she had a right to know what was up with me, but it was hard to talk about. After I resumed my seat, I leaned forward, resting my elbows on the table.
“My brother Mark died ten years ago today.”
“Holy shit,” Kat said after a moment. “I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, well…” I didn’t know what to say. Her words were meant to comfort, but I’d realized long ago that there was nothing that could make this better.
“Can I ask what happened?”
“Yeah,” I stared at the label of my beer bottle without really seeing it. “He killed himself.”
I didn’t look up at Kat’s sharp intake of breath. I didn’t want to see her feeling sorry for me.
“I was sixteen. Mark was my older brother, but only by two years, so we were always pretty close.” I rubbed my eyes, trying to somehow scrub away the image in my mind. It wouldn’t work. It never did. “I found him afterward.”
“You…oh, my god, Blade.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “It was an overdose.”
“You’re sure it was intentional?”
“Definitely. He took an entire bottle of his antidepressants. He didn’t leave a note or anything, but it was pretty clear that he meant to do it.”
I clenched my fists as the familiar helpless anger flooded me. I hated being angry at Mark, but every time I thought about him leaving me behind like that…I just couldn’t help it.
“I’d be angry, too,” Kat said, her voice soft. It felt like she was reading my mind, and a part of me resented her for it, but that wasn’t fair.
“I shouldn’t be,” I shook my head. “I know that’s selfish of me, but damn it, he was my only friend. We moved all over the damn place growing up since our dad was in the army. He knew he was all I had.”
I hadn’t talked about this with anyone, not even the therapist that my mom had made me see after Mark’s death. I wasn’t sure why I was opening up to Kat now. She was still trying to keep me at arm’s length, convinced that we should be enemies.
“So, he struggled with depression?”
“For years. Our dad’s a real hard-ass and had all these expectations for the two of us, but especially Mark. He was the golden child. So, he tried to hide his depression for a long time. When he turned eighteen, he got on medication without our old man knowing. I thought it was working, but…clearly, I was wrong.”
“You know that’s not your fault, right?”
I let out a humorless chuckle. “Are you reading my mind or something?”
“No, but I think I’ve gotten to know you pretty well over the last few weeks.”
“Despite your best efforts.”
“That’s not fair,” she said.
I drained my second beer. “Haven’t you been listening? Life’s not fair.”
“I’m going to bed,” she said, rising. She started to walk past me, but I reached out and grabbed hold of her wrist.
“I’m sorry,” I said, not even sure what I was apologizing for. I just didn’t want her to make me leave. Just for tonight, I wanted to act like Kat gave a crap about me, that I was more to her than just sex.
Turning her hand over, Kat pulled me to my feet. “Come to bed.”
I wasn’t going to question it. Blowing out the candle, I followed her into the house and down the hall to her bedroom. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I sat on her bed to take my boots off. I felt like I could just collapse onto the comfortable mattress. I unzipped my jacket and felt Kat’s eyes on me.
“You’re not wearing a shirt? What kind of a fashion statement are you trying to make?”
“It was dirty after my fight,” I explained, tossing the jacket onto an easy chair in the corner.
“Fight? So, that’s why you look like you’ve been beaten with a bat.”
“Street fighting. I wanted to let out some aggression.”
“Looks like you lost.”
I kicked off my jeans so that I was just wearing a pair of boxers. Kat pulled back the sheets and slid into bed. When I did the same, she moved closer, pressing herself into my side and resting her head on my shoulder. I told myself not to read too much into it. She just felt sorry for me, and things between us would return to normal in the light of day. But it still felt really good.
I turned off the lamp on the table beside me, leaving us in almost total darkness. I couldn’t see Kat, but I could feel her and hear her even breathing. I felt my eyelids grow heavier and was almost asleep when her voice spoke, pulling me away from sleep.
“You know, it’s weird. Our dads are complete opposites. Yours is an intense army man with all these expectations, w
hile mine is a drunk that probably doesn’t think about me at all.”
“That can’t be true,” I said, even though the man was a Las Balas member. How could he not care about someone like Kat?
“It is. Sometimes I wish that we were closer, but I’m not going to spend my life trying to establish a relationship with someone that doesn’t care enough to try.”
“Fuck him,” I said, once again struggling to stay awake. I wanted to talk to her while I could. She’d be back to pushing me away soon. But exhaustion was winning the fight.
“I wish it was that easy.”
Me too. That was my last thought before I finally surrendered to sleep.
Kat was already awake and showered when I stumbled out of her bedroom the following morning. I found her in the living room, scrolling through television channels.
“You have any Tylenol around here?” I asked, taking a seat on the other end of the couch. I didn’t even have to speak to her to know that her walls were back up. She’d sent the message by leaving me to sleep in her bed by myself.
“In the bathroom,” she said without looking away from the TV screen.
I sighed through my nose and stood, walking to the bathroom and rummaging through the medicine cabinet. I needed something to take the edge off the aches and pains from my losing the fight last night.
I went back into the bedroom instead of joining Kat in the living room. I pulled on my jeans and boots, carrying my jacket into the kitchen, where I put it on the back of a chair at the table. I poured myself a pot of coffee and looked out the window above the sink, where a familiar motorcycle was pulling into the driveway beside my own.
“Your brother’s here,” I told Kat. She clicked off the television and joined me at the sink.
“What is he doing here?” she mumbled to herself.
She didn’t look happy, and I had a pretty good idea that it was because I was here.
“I guess I’ll go,” I said, putting my half-empty mug into the sink. “Thanks for not turning me away last night.”