The bishop remains standing. “I’ve been there, you know,” he continues. “In the very heart of the grotto. I knelt in the very place Moses Himself must have knelt.”
He’s waiting for a response. I clear my throat. “It must have been . . . indescribable.”
“Not really.” He shrugs. “You probably feel closer to God during your morning devotionals. It’s . . . unrefined, after all. Raw ore. It’s astounding enough that a natural formation could induce any kind of religious response, much less one consistent enough to base an entire culture on. Still, the effect is . . . weaker than you might expect. Overrated.”
I swallow and hold my tongue.
“But then, you could say the same thing about the whole religious experience in principle,” he continues, blandly sacrilegious. “Just an electrical hiccup in the temporal lobe, no more divine than the force that turns compass needles and draws iron filings to a magnet.”
I remember the first time I heard such words: with the rest of my crèche, just before our first Communion. It’s like a magic trick, they said. Like static interfering with a radio. It confuses the part of your brain that keeps track of your edges, of where you stop and everything else begins—and when that part gets confused, it thinks you go on forever, that you and creation are one. It tricks you into believing you’re in the very presence of God. They showed us a picture of the brain sitting like a great wrinkled prune within the shadowy outline of a human head, arrows and labels drawing our attention to the most important parts. They opened up wands and prayer caps to reveal the tiny magnets and solenoids inside, subtle instrumentality that had subverted an entire race.
Not all of us got it at first. When you’re a child, electromagnet is just another word for miracle. But they were patient, repeating the essentials in words simple enough for young minds, until we’d all grasped the essential point: we were but soft machines, and God was a malfunction.
And then they put the prayer caps on our heads and opened us to the Spirit and we knew, beyond any doubting, that God was real. The experience transcended debate, transcended logic. There was no room for argument. We knew. Everything else was just words.
Remember, they said afterward. When the heathens would tell you there is no God, remember this moment.
I cannot believe that the bishop is playing the same games with me now. If he is joking, it is in very bad taste. If he is testing my conviction, he falls laughably short. Neither alternative explains my presence here.
But he won’t take silence for an answer. “Don’t you agree?” he asks.
I tread carefully. “I was taught that the Spirit lives within iron filings and compass needles as much as in our minds and our hearts. That makes it no less Divine.” I take a breath. “I mean no disrespect, Teacher, but why am I here?”
He glances at the envelope in his hand. “I wished to discuss your recent . . . exemplary performance.”
I wait, not taken in. My guards did not treat me as an exemplary performer.
“You,” he continues, “are why we prevail against the heathens. It’s not just the technology that the Spirit provides, it’s the certainty. We know our God. He is empirical, He can be tested and proved and experienced. We have no doubt. You have no doubt. That is why we have been unstoppable for a thousand years, that is why neither heathen spies nor heathen flying machines or the very breadth of an ocean will keep us from victory.”
They are not words that need corroboration.
“Imagine what it must be like to have to believe.” The bishop shakes his head, almost sadly. “Imagine the doubt, the uncertainty, the discord and petty strife over which dreams are divine and which are blasphemous. Sometimes I almost pity the heathens. What a terrible thing it must be, to need faith. And yet they cling to it. They creep into our towns and they wear our clothes and they move among us, and they shield themselves from the very presence of God.” He sighs. “I confess I do not entirely understand them.”
“They ingest some sort of herb or fungus,” I tell him. “They claim it connects them with their own God.”
The bishop mmmms. Doubtless he knew this already. “I would like to see their fungus move a monorail. Or even turn a compass needle. And yet, surrounded by evidence of the Lord’s hand, they continue to cut themselves off from it. This is not widely known, but we’ve recently received reports that they can successfully scramble entire rooms. Whole villas, even.”
He runs one long fingernail along the envelope, slitting it lengthwise.
“Like the room you purged this morning, Praetor. It was scrambled. The Spirit could not manifest.”
I shake my head. “You are mistaken, Teacher. I’ve never felt the Spirit more strongly than I did in that—”
The grim-faced escorts. The detour through Golgotha. The shaft of inexplicable sunlight. Everything falls into place.
A yawning chasm opens in the pit of my stomach.
The bishop extracts a sheet of film from the envelope: a snapshot of my passage through the Tunnel of Light. “You are possessed,” he says.
No. There is some mistake.
He holds up the snapshot, a ghostly, translucent image of my head rendered in grays and greens. I can see the demon clearly. It festers within my skull, a malign little lump of darkness just above my left ear. A perfect spot from which to whisper lies and treachery.
I am unarmed. I am imprisoned: I will not leave this place a free man. There are guards beyond the door, and unseen priest holes hidden in the dark corners of the room. If I so much as raise a hand to the bishop, I am dead.
I am dead anyway. I am possessed. I am condemned.
“No,” I whisper.
“I am the way, the truth, and the light,” the bishop intones. “None can come to the Father except through me.” He stabs at the lump on the plate with one accusing finger. “Is this of the Christ? Is it of His Church? How then can it be real?”
I shake my head, dumbly. I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot believe what I see. I felt the Spirit today. I felt the Spirit. I am as certain of that as I have been of anything.
Is it me thinking these thoughts? Is it the demon, whispering to me?
“It seems there are more of them every day,” the bishop remarks sadly. “And they are not content to corrupt the soul. They kill the body as well.”
They force the Church to kill the body, he means. The Church is going to kill me.
But the bishop shakes his head, as though reading my mind. “I speak literally, Praetor. The demon will take your life. Not immediately—it may seduce you with this false rapture for some time. But then you will feel pain, and your mind will go. You will change; not even your loved ones will recognize you by your acts. Perhaps, near the end, you will become a drooling infant, squalling and soiling yourself. Or perhaps the pain will simply grow unbearable. Either way, you will die.”
“How—how long?”
“A few days, a few weeks . . . I know of one poor soul who was ridden for nearly a year before she was saved.”
Saved. Like the heretics at Golgotha.
And yet, whispers a tiny inner voice, even a few days spent in that Presence would be easily worth a lifetime. . . .
I bring my hand to my temple. The demon lurks in there, festering in wet darkness only a skull’s thickness away. I stare at the floor. “It can’t be.”
“It is.” Then, after a moment: “But it does not have to be.”
It takes me a moment to realize what he’s just said. I look up and meet his eyes.
He’s smiling. “There is another way,” he says. “Yes, usually the body must die that the soul can be saved—crucifixion is infinitely kinder than the fate that usually awaits the possessed. But there’s an alternative, for those with—potential. I will not mislead you, Praetor. There are risks. But there have been successes as well.”
“An . . . an alternative . . . ?”
“We may be able to exorcise the demon. We may be able to remove it, physically, from your head.
If it works, we can both save your life and return you to the Lord’s presence.”
“If it works . . .”
“You are a soldier. You know that death is always a possibility. It is a risk here, as it is in all things.” He takes a deep, considered breath. “On the cross, death would be a certainty.”
The demon in my head does not argue. It whispers no blasphemies, makes no desperate plea against the prospect of its extraction. It merely opens the door to Heaven the merest crack, and bathes my soul in a sliver of the Divine.
It shows me the Truth.
I know, as I knew in the crèche, as I knew this morning. I am in the presence of God, and if the bishop cannot see it, then the bishop is a babbling charlatan, or worse.
I would gladly go to the cross for just such a moment as this.
I smile and shake my head. “Do you think me blind, Bishop? You would wrap your wretched plottings up in Scripture, that I would not see them for what they are?” And I do see them now, laid bare in the Spirit’s radiance. Of course these vile Pharisees would trap the Lord in trinkets and talismans if they could. They would ration God through a spigot to which only they have access—and those to whom He would speak without their consent, they would brand possessed.
And I am possessed, but not by any demon. I am possessed by Almighty God. And neither He nor His Sons are hermit crabs, driven to take up residence in the shells of idols and machinery.
“Tell me, Bishop,” I cry. “Was Saul wearing one of your prayer caps on the road to Damascus? Did Elisha summon his bears with one of your wands? Or were they possessed of demons as well?”
He shakes his head, feigning sadness. “It is not the Praetor that speaks.”
He’s right. God speaks through me, as he spoke through the Prophets of old. I am God’s voice, and it doesn’t matter that I am unarmed and unarmored, it doesn’t matter that I am deep in the devil’s sanctum. I need only raise my hand and God will strike this blasphemer down.
I raise my fist. I am fifty cubits high. The bishop stands before me, an insect unaware of its own insignificance. He has one of his ridiculous machines in one hand.
“Down, devil!” we both cry, and there is blackness.
I awaken into bondage. Broad straps hold me against the bed. The left side of my face is on fire. Smiling physicians lean into view and tell me all is well. Someone holds up a mirror. My head has been shaved on the left side; a bleeding crescent, inexplicably familiar, cuts across my temple. Crosses of black thread sew my flesh together as though I were some torn garment, clumsily repaired.
The exorcism was successful, they say. I will be back with my company within the month. The restraints are merely a precaution. I will be free of them soon, as I am free of the demon.
“Bring me to God,” I croak. My throat burns like a desert.
They hold a prayer wand to my head. I feel nothing.
I feel nothing.
The wand is in working order. The batteries are fully charged. It’s probably nothing, they say. A temporary aftereffect of the exorcism. Give it time. Probably best to leave the restraints on for the moment, but there’s nothing to worry about.
Of course they are right. I have dwelt in the Spirit, I know the mind of the Almighty—for, after all, were not all of the chosen made in His image? God would never abandon even the least of his flock. I do not have to believe this, it is something I know. Father, you will not forsake me.
It will come back. It will come back.
They urge me to be patient. After four days they admit that they’ve seen this before. Not often, mind you; it was a rare procedure, and this is an even rarer side effect. But it’s possible that the demon may have injured the part of the mind that lets us truly know God. The physicians recite medical terms which mean nothing to me. I ask them about the others that preceded me down this path: how long before they were restored to God’s sight? But it seems there are no hard and fast rules, no overall patterns.
Trajan burns on the wall beside my bed. Trajan burns daily there and is never consumed, a little like the Bush itself. My keepers have been replaying his cremation daily, a thin gruel of recorded images thrown against the wall; I suspect they are meant to be inspirational. It is always just past sundown in these replays. Trajan’s fiery passing returns a kind of daylight to the piazza, an orange glow reflecting in ten thousand upturned faces.
He is with God now, forever in His presence. Some say that was true even before he passed, that Trajan lived his whole life in the Spirit. I don’t know whether that’s true; maybe people just couldn’t explain his zeal and devotion any other way.
A whole lifetime, spent in the Spirit. I’d give a lifetime now for even a minute.
We are in unexplored territory, they say. That is where they are, perhaps.
I am in Hell.
Finally they admit it: none of the others have recovered. They have been lying to me all along. I have been cast into darkness, I am cut off from God. And they called this butchery a success.
“It will be a test of your faith,” they tell me. My faith. I gape like a fish at the word. It is a word for heathens, for people with made-up gods. The cross would have been infinitely preferable. I would kill these smug meat-cutters with my bare hands, if my bare hands were free.
“Kill me,” I beg. They refuse. The bishop himself has commanded that I be kept alive and in good health. “Then summon the bishop,” I tell them. “Let me talk to him. Please.”
They smile sadly and shake their heads. One does not summon the bishop.
More lies, perhaps. Maybe the bishop has forgotten that I even exist, maybe these people just enjoy watching the innocent suffer. Who else, after all, would dedicate their lives to potions and bloodletting?
The cut in my head keeps me awake at night, itches maddeningly as scar tissue builds and puckers along its curved edges. I still can’t remember where I’ve seen its like before.
I curse the bishop. He told me there would be risks, but he only mentioned death. Death is not a risk to me here. It is an aspiration.
I refuse food for four days. They force-feed me liquids through a tube in my nose.
It’s a strange paradox. There is no hope here; I will never again know God, I am denied even surcease. And yet these butchers, by the very act of refusing me a merciful death, have somehow awakened a tiny spark that wants to live. It is their sin I am suffering for, after all. This darkness is of their making. I did not turn away from God; they hacked God out of me like a gobbet of gangrenous flesh. It can’t be that they want me to live, for there is no living apart from God. It can only be that they want me to suffer.
And with this realization comes a sudden desire to deny them that satisfaction.
They will not let me die. Perhaps, soon, they will wish they had.
God damn them.
God damn them. Of course.
I’ve been a fool. I’ve forgotten what really matters. I’ve been so obsessed by these petty torments that I’ve lost sight of one simple truth: God does not turn on his children. God does not abandon the faithful.
But test them—yes. God tests us all the time. Did He not strip Job of all his worldly goods and leave him picking his own boils in the dust? Did He not tell Abraham to kill his own son? Did He not restore them to his sight, once they had proved worthy of it?
I believe that God rewards the righteous. I believe that the Christ said Blessed are those who believe even though they have not seen. And now, at last, I believe that perhaps faith is not the obscenity I once thought, for it can give hope when one is cut off from the truth.
I am not abandoned. I am tested.
I send for the bishop.
Somehow, this time I know he’ll come. He does.
“They say I’ve lost the Spirit,” I tell him. “They’re wrong.”
He sees something in my face. Something changes in his.
“Moses was denied the Promised Land,” I continue. “Constantine saw the flaming cross but twice in his lif
etime. God spoke to Saul of Tarsus only once. Did they lose faith?”
“They moved the world,” the bishop says.
I bare my teeth. My conviction fills the room. “So will I.”
He smiles gently. “I believe you.”
I stare at him, astonished by my own blindness. “You knew this would happen.”
He shakes his head. “I could only hope. But yes, there is a—strange truth we are only learning now. I’m still not sure I believe it. Sometimes it isn’t the experience of redemption that makes the greatest champions, but the longing for it.”
On the panel beside me, Trajan burns and is not consumed. I wonder briefly if my fall from grace was entirely accidental. But in the end it does not matter. I remember, at last, where I once saw a scar like mine.
Before today, the acts I committed in God’s name were pale, bloodless things. No longer. I will return to the Kingdom of Heaven. I will raise my sword arm high and I will not lay it down until the last of the unbelievers has been slaughtered. I will build mountains of flesh in His name, one body at a time. Rivers will flow from the throats that I cut. I will not stop until I have earned my way back into His sight.
The bishop leans forward and loosens my straps. “I don’t think we need these any more.”
They couldn’t hold me anyway. I could tear them like paper.
I am the fist of God.
Revision Point
Contrary to what you may have heard, God isn’t everywhere. The only place He reliably hangs out is in the temporal lobes—at least, that’s where Vilayanur Ramashandran found Him when he went looking in the brains of hyper-religious epileptics at UC-San Diego. You’ll never find the Almighty slumming in the parietal cortex, judging by radioisotopes An-drew Newberg tracked through the heads of a meditating Buddhist monk at the University of Pennsylvania. Most spectacularly—and controversially—Michael Persinger of Laurentian University claims to be able to induce religious experiences using a helmet which bathes the brain in precisely-controlled electromagnetic fields.
ReVISIONS Page 16