by Tara Brown
“I won’t ever have kids, but I look at the kids I’ve saved from the streets or domestic violence, and I see that as an important role. Could I have kids and do this job? Absolutely, but it takes a special kind of partner. You need to be supported by a person with regular hours and an understanding heart.”
She lost me there. Everything I was feeling and thinking got worse. The thick black line on the floor was still there in my mind. On one side, it would be about me, and on the other, it would be about him.
I sat and spaced out until she finished. I clapped along with everyone else, but I was sick. I fled the classroom before Dean could corner me. Gerry had, no doubt, told him of the bad thing I’d done.
I walked home slowly to do my homework.
Of course, I ended up looking up more sightings. Just putting his name into the Internet yielded a million responses. Images of him shopping with Danny at the mall, drinking a soda with a dark-haired girl, giving her a smile I would sell my soul for. There wasn’t a single picture where he was doing anything wrong. Everything he was doing was normal celebrity shit. It was me. He wasn’t the problem. He was just chasing his dream, and I was willing to crush it to make him mine. I hated the person I was becoming with him.
There was something wrong with me. I was becoming something like my ex-stalker with Lochlan. I understood Mitch’s need to control me and have me be with him. It was an addiction. I had used Lochlan’s love and guilt as a weapon. I’d manipulated him. I didn’t recognize myself. I packed my bags. I needed to get away before he got home, hating himself for whatever he’d done when he was angry.
I packed everything and slipped out the door to the living room. Danny was gone too. I dragged my bags out the door and down the hall. I didn’t ever know where I was going. The closest hotel was the Sheraton. It was going to have to be my new house for a couple days until I could find something else.
I flagged a cab and jumped in as the driver loaded my bags. He drove fast, maybe sensing the crazy inside of me. I paid him and dragged my bags to the door.
The bellhop grabbed my stuff and carried it inside. I got my room and followed my bags to the elevator. It was like for every step I took, little pieces of me dropped off onto the shiny floor. By the time I got into the elevator, I was completely numb and totally hollow.
I was making a mistake. I knew that. I was taking the wrong turn at the fork in the road. I was choosing the unspectacular and protecting my heart. I would regret it for the rest of my life. I knew that. The problem with picking the safe road was that your mind instantly wanted you to see all the things you’d missed on the other road.
His smile flashed in my mind as I held myself and fell asleep, telling myself I was doing it for him, when really I was picking me. Unspectacular me.
Chapter Eleven
Good night North Dakota
I had everything mapped out for the project. I nodded when I saw how I had reasoned it all. I was back on top. My torts were done. My project was completed. I had my debate on swamplands polished and memorized.
Granted, I had to turn off my phone, forbid any calls to come through to my room, ignore my own brother, and not watch any sort of media to do it. I sat back and smiled, crossing my arms over the robe and sighed. It was a blissful sort of peace being away from him.
The pounding on the door took all of that away.
“Erin, it’s Gerry. Hurry up.” I looked at my project and then at the door. The panic in his voice claimed me. I ran for the door, opening it.
He looked rough. “You’re okay?”
I nodded, confused and scared. “Is he?”
“Yeah. God bless your brother. He took him home to North Dakota. We canceled the shows for the week.”
My jaw dropped. “He did what?”
“He is a saint. I swear it.” He came in and closed the door.
“Oh my God. He took him home?” I swallowed hard.
Gerry scowled. “Be grateful. He was a wreck. He was so mad at you, I thought he was going to destroy the house. He came to my place. I think he expected you to come there. Anyway, Danny came and was wonderful. He’s an amazing guy. Half our success is Danny. He keeps Lochlan cool and makes it about the music, ya know?”
“What are you talking about? How did you find me?”
He ate some of the chocolate from the wrapper on the counter. “I’m talking about your brother! Have you been doing drugs or drinking? I phoned all the hotels within a short distance. It was easy to find you. You’d be surprised how many gays work in hospitality.”
“I don’t think that would shock me.”
He laughed. “Come on, they’re waiting for you at your place.”
I covered my eyes with my hands. “My Lochlan is in my hometown?” I shook my head. “Lochlan, he’s at my house?”
He laughed. “I have a flight booked for you to go see him, don’t worry. I know I’m not bloody well missing it.”
I crouched to the floor, hugging myself. “Oh my God. He’s in Grand Forks, with Danny. Do you know what this means?”
He shook his head. I swallowed my stomach acids. “He’s meeting my parents and winning them over, and when I break up with him, I’m going to be the monster. No one can be mad at Loch. No one.” I slapped my forehead. “Oh my God, Danny. You asshole.”
I pulled off my robe and pulled on my clothes. Gerry blushed and turned around. I sneered. “Oh please, we’re on the same team.”
He snorted and started shoving my clothes into my bags.
“I have to turn in this project before we go.”
His cheeks blushed a deeper red. “I can get Dean to pick it up from my place. He has a key. He might even still be there.”
I laughed bitterly. “Of course he does. God, tell me he is as sexy under the clothes?”
He gave me a sly smile. “Girl, whew.” He fanned himself. I nodded. “I knew it. I could tell.”
He gushed. “He’s so sweet, and he wears those professor sweaters with the elbow patches. Oh my God. He lifts weights and runs and plays tennis. He is so fit. His friends are amazing and fun. They’re foodies, and they love wine and music. They think he’s the lucky one. He does too. He thinks he’s lucky to be with me.” He sounded so mystified, I loved it.
I nodded. “He is the lucky one.”
His eyes glistened. “I’m so sorry for screaming at you.”
I shook my head and leapt into his arms. “I needed it.”
He hugged me. “You and Dean are the same. You’re so clean cut and straight-laced, and you don’t see how amazing you are.”
“He can’t live without you, Erin. He can’t. No one can live the star life all the time. They need the other half.” I wanted to choke him. I wanted my job to be as important, but we both knew the truth of it.
We raced from the room to the car, and then to Gerry’s to drop my stuff off. Dean was still there. The only time I wasn’t having a stroke was when Dean kissed Gerry goodbye. My heart melted when he ran his hand along his jaw and pulled him in. He took my bags and my report, and gave me a wave.
Gerry got back into the car, giving me a sideways glance. “Shut up.”
I gushed. “Oh my God, you guys are so cute.”
He put a hand up. “I don’t want to jinx this one, okay? So stop!”
I zipped my lips and beamed. He rolled his eyes.
When we got to the airport, we ran as fast as we could to catch our flight. Even the ride on the plane didn’t stop me from obsessing. We hit turbulence, and I barely batted an eyelash at it. I didn’t do my usual paper-bag thing or anything.
Nothing was going to get in the way of my desperate fears. One side was a broken heart, and the other was a barren wasteland where I lived, trapped because I never stayed with him. I never let him love me or gave him a chance.
We had barely landed and I was on my feet. I wanted to pull the emergency hatch and run down the tarmac.
We finally deplaned, which resulted in me running as fast as I could through the air
port. Gerry was wheezing behind me when we got to the taxi stand. He paced with his hands on his hips, and finally after a second, he pointed. “Loch’s right there. Whew . . . Erin, I’m naturally thin. I don’t really do the whole running thing.”
I ignored his sweaty sniveling. My eyes followed his pointed finger.
Lochlan was surrounded by a group of girls. He didn’t see me. He hadn’t made it into the airport to get me. He was swamped.
He passed the paper back to the girl jumping up and down and lifted his eyes. He stopped doing what he was doing and pushed his way through them. They followed, but he ignored them. He walked as fast as he could to me, scooping me up in his arms. “Sorry, I got held up.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to do this here.”
He grinned at me. “Stop making everything so hard.” He kissed my cheek and put me down. He grabbed my hand and patted Gerry on the shoulder. “Hey man. Thanks for getting her to come here.” My stomach sank. I’d been played. Fuck, my brother I expected—but Gerry? I gave him an evil look, but he was swamped by screaming girls. He waded through them, finally making it to where we were. We ran to my dad’s truck. Lochlan jumped in, locking the doors as we got in.
He grinned at me. “You okay?”
I frowned. “I don’t know.”
He laughed and patted my leg. “You’ll get used to this.” He drove off like a bat out of hell. I was squished between him and Gerry. Gerry gave me a grin. I shook my head. “I can’t believe I just got played.”
Lochlan laughed. “You were acting so crazy, so angry and weird. We figured this was better than you driving me insane, and me murdering someone for the sake of doing it. I figured you’d be better at home, more normal for us both.”
I sighed. “I have classes, and I start work tomorrow.”
He shook his head. “No, you don’t. I phoned Brian and told him that if a single bar in Boston even thought about hiring you, we would break the contract.”
My right eye twitched. “Are you insane? Did you seriously just make a decision for me, without asking me?” I shook my head. “You know I keep feeling bad for how crazy I’ve been, but it’s not me. It’s you. You’re making me crazy. You think you were the only normal one before we met?”
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I froze until we got back to my parents’. I didn’t want Gerry to be any more uncomfortable.
I looked at Loch as he turned onto the road to home. He knew the way to my dad’s house?
Danny was out in the yard raking leaves. That, at least, warmed my heart. He waved at me, but I hopped out of the truck and went straight to the back of the house. Our dad kept the house from when we were kids. He worked as a lawyer in the city, but the commute never bothered him. He loved the feel of the country that the expensive golf course we lived on provided. Each of the properties had full-acre yards and fancy houses. Mom loved the cleanliness of the city. She liked tidy lines and pavement. When they divorced, she moved downtown into a condo. It was nice and clean. She ran a very successful real estate firm. Dad did all the legal work for it . . . still.
I went right for the swing set and sat on the big swing. Lochlan followed me. He went behind me and gave me a big push. He spoke just loud enough that the others couldn’t hear from the front yard. “Everyone knows you’re my girl. I can’t have you out in the public, especially in a bar like that. I have to keep you safe from all that. I don’t want you in the act with me. I want you to be the home I have in the real world.”
My eyes started to water. “Loch, this started so normally and it’s snowballed too fast. You’re not the guy I thought you were. I didn’t know you were about to skyrocket to fame when I met you.”
“I was already there when you met me. I’m still the guy you love, Erin.” He rarely said my name. He grabbed the swing, stopping me, and walked around the front. He knelt in the leaves. “That’s right. I know you love me. You don’t say it, but I know it. I was singing and I watched you fall in love with me. The difference between you and the fans is that you know the person I am. You’ve seen it all.”
I gulped.
He shook his head. “Don’t be scared. I won’t ever be Lochlan Barlow with you. I’ll just always be your Loch.”
I couldn’t see him clearly through the tears. I grabbed either side of his scruffy face. He kissed my palm. “I need you. I need you with me to be the success I want to be. You are the music for me.”
My lip trembled. “I’m sorry I said that about the show and you getting kicked off.”
His face came closer. He kissed my cheek. “Stop pushing me away. I’m not going anywhere. And stop running away.”
I sniffled and nodded. He wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled me into his arms. He lifted me and carried me to the back of the house. He pinned me against the siding. “I love you.”
I nodded, leaning in for the kiss. His lips didn’t brush softly, like I expected them to. They laid claim. He kissed me like he was starving for it.
Dad called from the window above us as I was sliding my hands down the back of Loch’s shirt, probably choking him but I didn’t care. I wanted to touch his skin.
“Erin, get in this house.”
I looked up, smiling. “Hey, Daddy.” He slammed the window shut.
Chapter Twelve
Cougar hunting
Mom scooped the fruit salad into bowls with the ice cream. “James, why do you insist on keeping these ugly bowls? Look at them. This one has a chip in it.” She shook her head and passed out the dessert.
He gave her a grin. “One of the benefits of being divorced, Jane, is that I don’t have to give a shit about those silly things. Hell, I might not even do the dishes tonight.”
She gave him a look and sat with her dessert.
He beamed. I frowned and Danny ignored it the best he could.
Mom gave Gerry a sly smile. “So Gerry, you’re the drummer?” I almost threw up.
He smiled sweetly. “I am, Mrs. Benson.”
She twirled her long brown hair. “Jane, please. That must be quite the workout then, hmmm?”
Danny winked at him. “He has strong hands.” Gerry blushed and tried to swallow his bite. Lochlan fought his laugh, pretending to be chewing, when I knew he was long done. No one chewed fruit and ice cream that long.
I needed it to end. I leaned forward to my mom. “Gerry’s dating my professor.”
She giggled like a friggin’ schoolgirl. “Oh, you like older women, Gerry?”
I gagged. Danny coughed on his fruit. Loch smacked him on the back, fully laughing. “Erin’s prof is a man, Mrs. Benson.”
Her face flushed. “Oh, wow. Good for you.”
I cringed and gave Gerry a look. He laughed. “Thanks. He’s quite the score, I will admit.”
My dad gave me a quizzical look. I shook my head. “So, I guess we won’t be coming for Thanksgiving since we’re here this week.”
Danny looked like he might cry. “Mom and Dad are coming to Boston.” I could kill him. He started this. He had to bring Lochlan here to lure me from my hiding place. Shit! I took a deep breath, downed my entire glass of wine and looked at my father with desperation.
Dad lifted his eyebrows. “You know I love that city. And we really want to see Thin Ice live in a small and intimate setting, before they only play places like Madison Square Gardens and the Fargodome.”
Gerry gave me a look. “Oh my God, I love Fargo. I knew your accent sounded familiar.”
I sighed. “I don’t have an accent.”
He laughed. “Oh man, Fargo is in North Dakota?” He smacked his head. “Wait, what was that line they always said?” His eyes opened wide. “The heck do ya mean?” He looked like he might pounce on Danny. “Say it.”
Danny snorted and did it perfectly. “The heckdoya mean?” He grinned and spooned the last of the ice cream into his mouth.
I covered my eyes. Dad instantly did it. “The heckdoya mean?”
I nodded and glanced at Lochlan. H
e smiled wide. “So many things explained in one meal.” I swatted him. He caught my hand and kissed it.
My mom turned it on thick, seeing Dad and Danny getting attention. “Oh, jeez.”
Gerry clapped and butt-hopped in his seat.
But they continued. “Ohhhhkayyyy.”
I was dying. My face was burning my hands.
“Errrrin, don’t be shyyyy. Doooo it for your friends. Ohhhh jeeeeez, don’t be embarrassed.”
“Yahhhhhh.”
I got up from the table and walked to the kitchen with my bowl.
“Ohhhhh sure, leave the table.”
I dumped it in the sink and leaned against the counter.
His warmth surrounded me. “It’s funny.”
I looked around to face Loch. “Not in Boston. Not when the press show up and want to interview them.”
He nodded. “I’m getting the impression that you fussing about my meeting them at Thanksgiving had nothing to do with me.”
I swallowed and whispered. “I feel bad. They’re my family, but it’s a train wreck. She’s hitting on younger men all the time, and he’s trying to be the younger men.”
He took my hands in his. “Princess, they live on a golf course. They have fancy stuff and look very respectable. If I saw them on the street, I would assume they had a lot of money. This house is very expensive and impressive. Trust me, when you come to meet my parents, you’ll see some shit that you’re not prepared for too. Yours are doing the whole mid-life thing. . . . ” His face darkened. “Mine are not.”
My stomach burned. He wanted me to meet them. It was too soon. I couldn’t even imagine what they would be like. He was so full of charisma. A whole house full of people who were amazing. I imagined them all playing instruments and having sing-alongs. I had to shut it down before I made it into something too big. I shut my brain down and nodded. I could do that. I could meet his family. I could do it all. It felt right to do it. I looked up and smiled. “Let’s tell my parents no to Christmas and go see your family.”