She sucked in a sharp breath and then stared at the photo. Tears formed in those beautiful eyes of hers. She handed me back the phone and wiped her cheeks.
“I need to see her, Trevor. Now.”
“Okay, let’s go see her.”
No matter how many pictures I Googled, or how many things I read, nothing could have prepared me for walking into the NICU.
I tried my best to keep my emotions in check as Trevor wheeled us to the incubator that had a pink and white blanket draped over one half of it.
The name “Baby Girl Parker” was at the end and that broke my heart in a million pieces. Our daughter was hours old and didn’t have a name yet. Hadn’t felt her mother’s warm breath on her skin or heard my voice. Fear crept in.
What if she doesn’t know who I am? What if she won’t bond with me?
Trevor bent down in front of me, placing his hand on the side of my face. “Hey, don’t get in your head. I did the same thing when I first walked in here. She’s going to know it’s you. You have been her home for thirty weeks, she’s felt your love and heard your heartbeat since the moment she was a tiny gummy bear. I promise you, darlin’, she will know her momma.”
I nodded as he reached up and brushed a tear off my cheek with his thumb.
“Will you help me stand?” I asked.
“Of course, baby.”
Trevor and the nurse both helped me up. My eyes were closed as I dealt with the pain, but the moment I opened them and saw my daughter, I felt nothing but love. Everything else vanished and the only thing I felt was pure and utter love, and I wanted nothing more than to protect our child.
“Ms. Littlefield, my name is Kacy. I’m the NICU nurse who’s been taking care of your daughter.”
Smiling, I extended my hand. “It’s a pleasure meeting you. Please call me Scarlett.”
“Like I told, Trevor, we’re not only here for your baby, but for y’all as well. If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask me or any of the nurses on shift.”
I managed to whisper, “Okay.”
“Want to meet your daughter?” she asked, a smile on her face.
A part of me wanted to turn and run. I wasn’t sure why I was suddenly scared to death.
Then I felt Trevor’s arm around my waist and all the fear vanished. I knew with him by my side I could get through anything.
As I walked up to the incubator, I saw all the wires and tubes first. A sob slipped from my lips and Trevor held me closer.
“She’s as beautiful as her mommy.”
I looked at Trevor. He winked and leaned down to kiss me on the lips.
“It’s all going to be okay, baby. I promise. Come on, she’s been waiting for you and even though she may not physically be a part of you any longer, that connection will never be broken. She needs you now, needs to hear your voice and lie up against your heartbeat.”
Turning back, I took another step closer. Tears instantly filled my eyes. Her little chest was moving up and down and she had tubes and wires coming out from all over her.
I felt weak, but Trevor held me up, a gentle touch around my waist. Kacy was at my other side.
“She’s the best baby in here. Doesn’t give me any trouble at all!”
Laughing, I replied, “She must take after me then.”
Trevor chuckled. “Um, excuse me, I’m not the one who set the trash can on fire next to the courthouse.”
“Well, I see getting to know you two is going to be fun,” Kacy said.
My eyes scanned my baby’s entire body as I took her in. Kacy proceeded to tell me about everything that was hooked up to the baby.
“Dr. Jackson, the neonatologist, will be by here shortly. I’m sure you’ll have questions for her, please don’t hesitate to ask them.”
“How long do you think she’ll need the breathing tube?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. The doctor will take a good look at her, listen to her lungs again and she’ll make the decision when she feels like baby Parker will be able to at least move to a nose prong. We need to watch for apnea. Hopefully that won’t be a problem.”
“The feeding tube is just until she learns to suck?” I asked.
“Yes. Each time we take her out, she’ll be worked with on different things. Sucking is one of those. The occupational therapists will be working with her as well on those types of things. We’ll slowly introduce her to your milk, so that her digestive system gets used to it. I’ve already explained to Trevor what we are giving her, I’m more than happy to explain it to you as well.”
“No, that’s okay. I read up on it. TPN right?”
Kacy smiled. “You are absolutely right.”
I was scared to ask the next question. “When can I hold her?”
“How about right now?”
Tears filled my eyes again, but this time I kept them back.
“Yes!”
“Trevor, why don’t you help Mom into the rocking chair while I get baby Parker ready.”
It felt like it took me forever to get into the chair, but when I finally did, I looked up to see Kacy holding the tiniest baby I’d ever seen in my life.
“Let’s pull that gown open so that she can be up against your chest without any barriers, Mom.”
The moment the baby was placed in my arms, I felt the most powerful surge of love. I feared it wasn’t going to happen, but I felt the love flowing instantly between us.
Tears of happiness streamed down my face as I stared at her.
“Hey, beautiful girl. Sorry it took me so long to get here. You sort of took us by surprise.”
Trevor was right next to me, taking a video on his phone. “Everyone is dying to see…”
He paused and looked into my eyes.
“What’s her name, Scarlett? Do you know?”
I nodded. “Do you?”
He nodded and said, “Let’s say it on three.”
I grinned.
“What if we each say a different name?” I asked.
Trevor glanced at Kacy. “Then Kacy gets to pick.”
Her smile faded. “What? No way.”
“On three?” I asked, gazing back down at the baby.
Trevor cleared his throat and quietly counted. “One. Two. Three.”
“Aurora.”
We had both said the same name. Trevor looked relieved, and I felt like I was going to burst with happiness. I was still scared. For a million different reasons. Our daughter was in the NICU, she couldn’t breathe on her own, and the future wasn’t really known. But in that moment, with our daughter named, with the possibility of a beautiful future, I was happy. Happier than I’d ever been in my entire life.
Walking slowly into the NICU, I focused on Aurora’s incubator and tried to tune all the other activity out. The first two days of her life I’d suffered from anxiety and broken down more than what I thought was normal. Trevor never left my side.
Cord and Maebh had come to see me and brought us clothes and essentials. They were the second group of people to see Aurora. Trevor’s parents were the first grandparents to see her. Mine had been too worried they would make the baby sick and refused.
I was being discharged from the hospital and Trevor had rented a condo only a block away. He said there was no way we were going to be more than five minutes from Aurora.
I smiled when I got to the incubator. She wasn’t in it. Instead, she was sleeping peacefully against her daddy’s bare chest. She looked so incredibly small against Trevor’s giant body. His large muscles nearly swallowed her whole. When he took his shirt off he got stares, not only from some of the nurses…I caught a mom peeking over once or twice.
Trevor and Aurora were both sleeping, and I couldn’t help but stare at the two people I loved more than anything in this world. In the last two days Aurora had come a long way. She was now on a nasal cannula, and Dr. Jackson felt like she would be breathing without it any day. The PICC line was delivering her nutrients and medicine, if needed. The plan
was for me to keep pumping breast milk for when Aurora was ready to receive it. Dr. Jackson said he hoped to be able to deliver that through a nasogastric tube soon.
“Scarlett, I have to be honest with you,” Kacy, my favorite nurse who took care of Aurora, whispered. “That is a pretty darn sexy sight right there.”
Laughing softly, I nodded. “It is. How long has he been holding her?”
“Not very long. He helped change her diaper and was asking about a bath for her. I wanted to wait until our next scheduled time frame to do the bath so you could be here. It always amazes me when most dads dive right in with the care of their little ones.”
I faced her. “Most dads? Not all dads?”
She frowned. “Unfortunately, no. Even some moms are hesitant but that is very rare. Some of the fathers are in denial and won’t even come and see the baby. Others, well, they come in to hold the baby during a lunch break and leave. I’d have to say a majority, though, are in tune with their kids and will do anything to help with their care.”
“Wow, I mean, when I leave here, I get such an overwhelming sense of grief. The guilt of not being here if she needs me is a struggle and I’m hoping it will get better as the days go on. I trust y’all with her, please don’t get me wrong. I just hate leaving her.”
She placed her hand on my arm. “Trust me, I understand and you’re not the only parent to feel that way. Here, I have something to give you. We were out of the caterpillar, and it’s my favorite one to give to new preemies. Be right back.”
Trevor opened his eyes. He smiled when he saw me.
“Hey, how are you feeling?”
“Good, I walked over here and, it felt good to move around.”
His eyes roamed my body with lust. I glanced down at what I was wearing. Yoga pants and an oversized T-shirt that said Frio River Ranch.
“You look beautiful,” he whispered.
I tilted my head and gave him a scowl.
“Don’t look at me like that. You do, Scarlett.”
“I haven’t had a decent shower or washed my hair in days, and I don’t have a stitch of make-up on. Plus, I look like a homeless person with leaky boobs.”
Trevor kissed Aurora’s head. “Like I said, you look beautiful. Doesn’t she, princess? Mommy always looks beautiful, even dressed like a homeless person and especially with her leaky boobs.”
Tingles swept across my body and I had the urge to walk over and kiss him. So I did. Then I kissed our daughter.
“Hello, sweet Aurora Belle. How is my baby girl this evening?”
Aurora moved, and I knew it was because she heard me. My heart melted at the sight, and it also broke in two. It killed me to see our daughter like this, but there were other babies in here in far worse condition, so I counted my blessings that our daughter was improving each day. I knew things could change, so I wasn’t going to be picky with her progress.
“Mom won’t stop calling me. She wants more pictures.”
I giggled. “Who wouldn’t want to see pictures of this beautiful little girl? My folks left before I came down. I signed all the discharge papers, so Daddy is bringing our stuff to the condo.”
“Damn. I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Scarlett.”
“No, I’d rather you were here. Like I said, my folks were there, and they’ll be at the house to help with things the first few days.”
Trevor nodded, but I still saw the guilt in his eyes.
“Oh, good. You’re up, Dad.”
Slowly standing up from my bent-over position, I watched as Kacy held out a silver bracelet to me.
“What’s this?” I asked as I took it from her. It looked like one of those bracelets you use for Pandora charms.
“This is called NICU Journey Beads. A NICU nurse came up with this as a way to celebrate milestones in the NICU. You start with the caterpillar bead and when you leave you’ll get the butterfly bead. I also want to give you this one, the giraffe. It’s the keeping baby warm in the incubator bead. Then we have this one!”
She threaded another bead onto the silver bracelet. “This is the Kangaroo for, of course, the importance of skin to skin. And this one is for you, Dad! The first diaper change. For each milestone Aurora has, we’ll add another bead. She’ll get to wear it as a necklace when she leaves the NICU for home.”
My heart was overjoyed as I looked at the four beads on the bracelet. “We’re at four already!” I softly said with excitement. One of the rules in the NICU was that loud noises were a no-no. Everything was kept at a controlled level because most of the little ones were still developing their hearing.
“Do we get one for a bath?” Trevor asked, a huge smile on his face.
I giggled. Who would have thought we would be so excited over beads? But each of these beads represented something monumental in our minds.
“You bet you do. She is scheduled for her first bath during the next scheduled round.”
“I can’t wait to help with the bath,” I said with a grin
“Sorry, Dad, it’s time for Aurora to head back to bed,” Kacy said, taking Aurora from Trevor and placing her back in her incubator with practiced ease. Trevor yawned and ran his hands over his face.
“Why don’t you head to the condo and get some sleep. I’ll stay here.”
“Scarlett, you had major surgery. You can’t be hanging out in here. You need to rest.”
“I’m fine. I don’t want to leave her.”
Kacy was busy writing something in Aurora’s chart, not paying attention to us bickering. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time, and it most assuredly wouldn’t be the last that she’d hear parents having this same argument.
“Why don’t you both head over and take a good nap. Her next scheduled time is in four hours. Go rest, you need to take care of yourselves. Let us do what we do best here, and that’s take care of Aurora.”
She reached for the beaded bracelet and tied it onto the incubator. “When Aurora leaves the NICU she’s going to have a beautiful necklace to wear at home.”
I pushed my arms through the incubator’s opening and stroked Aurora gently.
“Mommy and Daddy will be back, princess. I promise. Sleep good for Kacy and the other nurses. I love you.”
Trevor did the same thing. I could see the anguish on his face as we walked away.
When we got outside to Trevor’s truck, I broke down.
Trevor quickly had me in his arms, holding me gently.
“We should have her with us, Trevor! We should be pulling out of here with our baby in the car seat and heading back to Oak Springs. Not to a rented condo in San Antonio without our baby!”
He stroked my head softly. “Shhh, I know. I know. But this is the card we were dealt, and we’re going to make the best of it. That means going to the condo, resting, eating a good dinner, and then heading back in time to help with Aurora.”
My face was buried in his chest. I wanted to rip off his shirt and touch him where Aurora had been sleeping against him. Anything to feel closer to her. Instead, I stepped back, wiped my tears away and nodded.
“Right. I’m sorry. It just hit me that we were leaving, and she wasn’t coming with us.”
Trevor nodded. “Don’t be sorry. It hit me yesterday when I left to sign the paperwork for the condo. We’re going to get through this, Scarlett. You, me, and our little fighter in there, because trust me when I say, our daughter is a true fighter.”
The corners of my mouth rose slightly. “That’s because she’s a Parker.”
“Hell yes, she is,” Trevor replied, then kissed me gently on the lips.
After helping me into the truck, Trevor asked if I needed to stop and get any medicine.
“Nope, my folks picked up the prescriptions the doctor wrote. I’m going to start taking Motrin for the pain just in case they tell me they’re ready for the breast milk.”
“I hate that you have to pump and we are throwing it out.”
“I know. We can’t donate it, though, because of the pain meds
.”
“Still sucks, though.”
We were at our condo four minutes later. Thank goodness it was on the first floor. I could walk upstairs, but the less I had to move, the better.
“Shower?” Trevor asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
“My parents are here, Trevor.”
“No, they’re not. I texted and said we were coming home and your mom said they ran to Oak Springs and would be back in a couple of hours. She wanted to get some indoor grill.”
I groaned. “Oh Lord. The George Foreman grill?”
Trevor shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t remember. All I know is, I’ve got a few hours alone with you, and I want you to sleep for most of it. So come on. Let me take you to the shower and clean you.”
Letting him guide me through the condo, I glanced around as we walked through the rooms. It was beautiful and had to be costing Trevor a small fortune.
The moment we walked into the master bathroom, I gasped. It was like a spa. Trevor carefully pulled my shirt over my head. He reached behind me and unclasped my bra. I let it fall from my arms to the floor.
He dropped down and looked at the incision on my stomach. He frowned.
“It’s a beautiful battle wound. It’s okay, Trevor, I promise.”
When his beautiful blue eyes looked up at me, I noticed how tired he looked. He’d been rotating between staying with me and being with Aurora. I would go down to the NICU as often as I could, but my nurses were keeping me on my own damn schedule.
“I’m sorry this happened,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”
Cupping his beautiful face within in my hands, I pierced his eyes with mine.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
He closed his eyes and dropped his head to the floor.
“Trevor, look at me.”
When he lifted his head, I caught a breath. Tears rolled down his face, dampening his cheeks.
“This was not your fault. This was not my fault. This wasn’t Aurora’s fault. This is something that happened. Look at all those other families in the NICU. It happened to them, too. We’re not alone in this, and we need to remember that. Aurora is a fighter; you even said so yourself. We’re all going to be okay. All of us. What we need to focus on is that she’s with us, and we didn’t lose her and we’re not going to lose her.”
Reckless Love Page 25