by Ava Harrison
Now when I look at him, words ring over and over again in my head. They run over me, they suffocate me. They drown me.
Parker is gone.
Three words, it’s always been three words.
Parker needs you.
Parker is gone.
Parker needs you.
Parker is gone.
Over and over and over again.
Three words can change your life.
THE SEMBLANCE OF HOPE that still lived inside me died. I could feel my chest constricting. The doctors gave the news: he would never wake. Neither parent knew what to do. Seconds, days and then weeks passed, but no decision could be made. What would Parker want was asked so many times I lost count. He had no will. He never spoke of his final wishes. What twenty-five-year-old had a will? What twenty-five-year-old imagined that they would be heartbroken, go out to a bar, and then drive their car headfirst into a pole? There was no way to know what he would want. DNR was an option. He could live for years attached to a machine, but what kind of life would that be?
From outside Parker’s room I heard the screaming. Mr. and Mrs. Stone battling on what to do. They had been battling for over three weeks. My chest constricted and bile ran up my throat. The endless arguing made me need to recede into myself and hide. Each time they battled another part of me died. I needed to flee this hell, but I couldn’t leave him. I felt an eternal emptiness in my soul. I had no idea what to do. The one person who could help me make sense of this was no longer able to. My rock wasn’t here, and I couldn’t do this without him. I didn’t know what to do without him.
As I gripped his hand tightly, praying for clarity I heard Parker’s words. The words that lead us here. ‘And that’s why you need to get away.’ And I finally understood how to make it up to him. How to make this right. How to show him I loved him and that all of this had not been for nothing.
“Parker? I know you can’t hear me, but I’m going to do it. I’m going to go. This is all my fault. If I had just said yes. If I’d just admitted the truth to you. We could have gone together. I was too scared and I lied. But I’m going to do it. I’m going to do all of it . . . for you.” I leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
“Goodbye, Parker. I love you.”
With moisture streaming down my cheeks, I barreled through the cold of the hospital. Through the confusion and chaos in my path. Then my arm hit someone and through misted eyes I looked up and my gaze met cloudy steel orbs. His eyes were red-rimmed and swollen. His arm reached out to steady me, but I didn’t wait for him to help me. I just ran until I was clear of the doors. Suddenly, the patter of giant rain droplets smacked across the pavement. I had stepped out into a torrential downpour. It was only fitting.
I sobbed. I sobbed right alongside the heavens that wept with me. I embraced the release, and in the middle of the parking lot, I let go. Let go of all of it. Picked up the phone and dialed. I knew where I would go. A place where I wouldn’t need to be privy to the fighting. Where I wouldn’t need to hear them weigh out the pros and cons of keeping an empty body in a bed. A place where Parker always said I should go.
Before I knew it, I was on a plane, on my way to honor Parker’s last wish . . . on my way to find me.
“It’s time.” A familiar voice says. Turning toward the sound, I peer through squinted eyes to find Chase standing behind me. I don’t know how he’s here at the hospital with me right now. When he arrived from Italy. How he got here. But I don’t care. All I know is at this very moment, despite everything that has happened, I need him. I need him holding me up. Just as I feel Chase’s hand gently stroke my shoulder, the doctor enters the room with Parker’s parents.
“Are you ready?” the doctor asks Mr. and Mrs. Stone. I want to scream, “No! I’m not ready!” but it’s not my place. They speak, but I can’t hear what they’re saying. I’m too numb to hear. I feel nothing. Time stands still as we wait for the moment to come. The moment a beautiful, bright light will be blown out.
“Parker. Oh God, Parker, please don’t leave me! Please. Please, you can’t go. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! Please don’t leave me. No, you can’t take him. He can’t leave me,” I mutter through choked sobs.
I lean over to kiss his cheeks. They’re still warm. This can’t be real. This is nothing but a bad dream. He was going to Europe with me. This can’t be the end. We have so many pins left. So many places on the map we haven’t seen yet. Chase speaks in a hushed voice to Parker’s parents, but it’s hard to make out what he says over the pounding of my heart.
I think he asks if they want us to leave. I wish for them to say yes because I can’t be here to see the life leave Parker’s body. But if they say I can stay, that’s right where I’ll be. I will never forgive myself for missing his last breath. I will never forgive myself for missing the moment he went to a better place, the moment he found peace. Mr. Stone shakes his head at Chase and then turns back and nods to the doctor.
“No, they can’t do it yet.” My words are raspy, hushed, and confused.
“Aria—” Chase’s voice breaks through my splintered mind. “His family needs to say good-bye. It’s time.” I shake my head. Barely audible words leave my mouth.
“I . . . I . . . I can’t . . . I can’t, Chase,” I stutter. He touches me. His fingers softly caress my shoulder. My gaze turns toward him, and he nods in understanding. I need to go with him, but I can’t will my feet to move. It’s time, I tell myself. I want so badly to object. To argue that they need to reconsider, but there is nothing to be said. It’s not my place, and it’s not fair for me to interject.
I turn and walk toward the wall, my fingers laced in Chase’s. Mrs. Stone’s whimpering grows fainter with each step I take. Chase pulls me into him, and I bring my face into his chest, leaving the world behind. I hear nothing but the soft thud of his heart beating. Pulling my head from the warmth of his embrace, the sound of the machine rushes back into my conscious. The room is my worst nightmare, sobs and whimpers, and then I hear the hum of the machine. I welcome the hum. It means for this brief second Parker Stone is still alive.
The hum continues as more people enter the room. A group of medical personnel gathers around now, taking final notes. One of them passes a clipboard to Mr. Stone. His hands shake so badly I fear he will drop the pen. My eyes no longer focus. My body seems boneless. I’m using Chase to hold me up. The sounds are still steady. I breathe in. I exhale.
Parker’s chest rises. I memorize the movement, etch it into my memory. I observe as they turn off the ventilator, and I turn away to fight through my tears. This can’t be the last thing I see of him. I try to focus elsewhere, but for some reason I can’t stop looking.
They take out the breathing tube.
Memories begin to flash, one after another.
Beep
The dimple on his cheek when he smiles.
Beep
The small scar he has above his left eyebrow.
Beep
His obsession with Reese’s Pieces.
Beep
The way he would softly say baby girl when I was sad.
Silence
The silence is suffocating.
THREE THIRTY-THREE P.M. I saw the last breath leave his body, and now I stand weighted to the wall as sobs wrack throughout the room. Agony descends upon me. An agony I never thought possible. A part of me died when the machine stopped. The part of me tethered to Parker ceases to exist.
I collapse forward.
I break.
A hand rubs my back. Those hands embrace me. Pull me in. Engulf me.
“He’s gone.” My whole body shakes as I hold on to him and rock in his arms.
“He’s in a better place.” His words come out strangled, as if he’s holding back his own meltdown. Hearing his voice is too much. The pain is palpable, and my knees buckle beneath me.
“I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.”
“You don’t have to be. I’ll be strong enough for you. I’ll hold yo
u up. I’ll be your strength.” More sobs break. “Shh, it will be okay. Everything will be okay,” he promises, but it does nothing to soothe the ache in my heart. Nothing will be okay. Nothing will ever be okay again. My skull begins to pound as sadness clamps down on me. I can feel Chase lift me up, and what’s left of me snaps like a twig.
“Please don’t make me leave yet,” I beg. I’m petrified my memories will begin to fade. “You can’t make me,” I whisper. I jump out of his lap and push past Chase, who tries to hold me in his arms. Leaning over the bed, I get close to Parker’s lifeless body.
“Please, I can’t remember the last time we laughed. I’m so afraid of my life without you. I stayed away, and I’m so sorry. I lift my hand to touch him. “I’m here. I . . . I’m with you. Park, oh God, Parker. Please, you can’t be gone. You can’t have left me. I’m so, so, sorry.” Warm arms wrap around me, pulling me gently back.
“No. You can’t take me. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to leave him yet. He needs me.” I lean over to kiss his cheeks. Warm still. “He’s supposed to go to Europe with me.” A strangling sound creeps out of my mouth. My hand lifts to my mouth. “Oh God,” I choke out. “This can’t be the end. So many adventures we didn’t take.” What little is left of my composure bursts like a balloon filled with too much air and breaks me into a million pieces. Parker had always given me strength. He made me strong, and without him, I tear apart. Chase’s arms wrap around my middle.
“No, I’m not ready to leave! Get away from me!” I screech at him just as his arms grasp me. I kick as he lifts me into his arms, scooping me up. “No! You can’t take me from him.” My arms flail to break loose. “I can’t leave him. I can’t breathe. Oh God. I can’t breathe without him. Put me down! He needs me. I never told him I loved him. He never knew! If I had known—” My body shudders with another round of sobs. If I had known those were the last words I would hear from his lips, I might have tried to stop him. I might have memorized the timbre of his voice. The way his lips puckered ever so slightly when he was upset. But instead, I let him leave. “Oh God,” I cry out while I wipe at the tears trailing down my cheeks. “Instead, I . . . I turned back to my outfit. I turned back to picking out my fucking outfit.”
My hands pound against Chase’s back as he cradles me in his arms. My body goes slack from the exertion, but my muscles still shake. Aftershocks. Repetitious trembling I can no longer control.
“Put me down.” It’s a whisper. Barely audible. “I . . . I.” My words are lost in an involuntary sob.
“I’ve got you, Princess. I’ve got you.” The levee bursts. My body crumbles.
“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry . . . I’m not ready to say good-bye. I’m not ready for him to be gone, Chase. Please don’t take him away from me! I’m not ready. I can’t say good-bye again.” Chase tucks me into his lap, cradling me, and I cry. I cry until I think there’s not one ounce of fluid left in my body. He glances over to Parker. I watch him and want to reach out to him to comfort him, but I can’t. I’ve got nothing left in me.
Chase returns his gaze to me as he gently lifts me up and places me on my feet. With care, he takes my trembling hand and guides us out the door. We don’t say anything as we leave the hospital. Neither of us seems able to speak. Sorrow closes our throats. We enter a cab, and I can barely muster the energy to mutter my address. Then I bow my head.
When we arrive at my apartment, he doesn’t move to enter. I silently pray he does, that he takes me in his arms and makes me forget any of this happened. “I—” My mouth opens, but I’m not sure what I want to say, so I snap it closed. He stares down at the floor for a few seconds before he lifts his gaze to meet mine.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow for the funeral,” he mumbles. His eyes mist over as he speaks.
“Tomorrow?” I can’t believe it’s so soon. But I guess it’s really not soon. Parker’s body might have only died a few hours ago, but his soul left weeks ago.
“Yeah.” That’s all he says, and right now, I’m thankful. If we talk, who knows where the conversation will go, and right now, I’m just not ready to go there. He stares at me for a few more seconds before he leans in and places a whisper of a kiss on my forehead. It’s just what I need, and I welcome the feeling. It soothes me. He steps away and turns with his shoulders slouched forward. I watch him go.
ANGRY CLOUDS PAINT THE distance above us. Tiny raindrops trickle down from the sky. Rows of tombstones stand before me, liquid collecting on the smooth, dark marble. It’s only fitting for a day like today. Chase stands next to me, his arm tightly wrapped around my waist holding me up. I don’t have the strength to tell him to stop. To tell him he can’t hold me like that anymore. I know if he were to let go, I’d fall.
The pastor is speaking, his words like a soft hymn above the pitter-patter of the soft shower. It drowns out the anguish coming from Parker’s mother. It drowns out the screams in my own head.
Parker’s father stands and makes his way to the head of the gravesite. My body shakes as he begins to speak. Chase gives me a little squeeze to remind me he still has me. Tears pour down my face.
Mr. Stone’s words finally penetrate my mind. He talks of their many adventures and the old weathered map on Parker’s wall. All the places he’d been and all the places he’d yet to see. His words splinter inside me as I consider my planned adventure with Parker. How I went without him. My chest constricts as if I’m being suffocated. As if a heavy boulder lies on my chest and doesn’t allow me to breathe.
Chase grabs me closer, pulls me into his chest, and I let him. I don’t deserve this comfort. I don’t deserve to be the one standing on the wet grass on this summer day. More people speak following Mr. Stone. Each has a reminisce to share-a story, a highlight of the life Parker shared with us. The clouds part as another friend takes the podium and begins to speak. A tiny stream of sunlight breaks through the clouds. The light glistens off the water collecting on the coffin. I stand in silence, grieving to myself as I wait for my moment to walk forward. The sun shines brilliantly as I’m gestured forward.
Turning to Chase, I whisper, “I don’t know how to say good-bye, Chase.” His hand grips mine as he walks me forward.
“Then don’t. Speak from the heart. Don’t say good-bye forever, just good-bye for now.” He steps away with one final squeeze, leaving me to stand in front of the crowd. A suffocating sensation tightens my throat. My chest heaves from the effort of holding back my sobs. With swollen eyes, I stare at Sophie. She’s standing a few feet away, her eyes glistening with tears. My lips quiver uncontrollably, my throat feels hoarse as I begin to speak.
“All of the memories I have with Parker are so vivid so fresh, as if we were together only yesterday. It feels like only a moment ago he held me in his arms. Like a moment ago, he coaxed a smile out of me. Like only a moment ago, he got me to dream again.
“When I was younger, I used to write poetry. One day Parker found a poem I wrote that was crinkled up. He opened it and read the words—words that I believed were trash. He made me believe in my voice, and from then on, he encouraged me to write those poems. I stopped years ago. Too old to write poetry, I said, but I recently found one. It was Parker’s favorite. I wrote it when I was twelve years old.”
I pull the torn-up, crinkled paper out of my pocket. The pages are weathered and beaten. The words faded from dried up tears.
My castle in the sky
My world so far away
That’s where I can close my eyes
And stay away
My castle in the sky
My home away from home
The world where I can never fail
And always get to roam
My castle in the sky
Where you will never go away
Where no matter what happens
You will always stay
My castle in the sky
Is really in my heart
My soul is very frail
But not with my castle in my heart.
> “Thank you, Parker, for always being my castle.” Tears shimmer in my eyes as Chase walks forward and places his hand on mine. I move away, let him take my place, and I sob.
I cry for Parker.
I cry for Owen.
I cry for the part of me that longs to be back on that boat with Chase and pretend none of this is happening.
And I cry for myself.
For the empty feeling that I fear will never fill.
My heartbeat is slow, as if I died with Parker.
Numbness.
Emptiness
“Our journey together has come to the end, and although you are gone, you’ll never be replaced in our hearts. I promise you’ll live on through us . . . Forever. Good-bye, my friend.” Chase says to the casket, then the pastor steps forward again.
“The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want. He maketh . . .”
I will miss everything about Parker Stone.
Moisture continues to travel down my chin, and my chest quivers. I turn my face toward the casket. He’s gone. I don’t want to do this without him. I don’t want to be here without him.
Mrs. Stone approaches me, pulling me into her arms. Tears stream down my face as she embraces me.
“That was beautiful what you read. Parker would be so proud,” she whispers as she holds me, our bodies shaking with sobs. With a sniffle, she pulls away and Mr. Stone grabs her tightly and comforts her. As they begin to recede I turn to Chase. His eyes are red rimmed and his obvious pain breaks me further.
“I can’t. When will it stop hurting so bad? What do I do?” I say as another cloud rolls in. Tiny spatters of water hit my nose. Chase takes a step closer. His hand stretches across the space that separates us to collect a drop on his fingertip.
“The best thing you can do when it’s raining is let it. Don’t fight it. Eventually it will stop. Once it passes, you can dry off.” His words mean so much at this moment, and I let myself embrace him. He holds me tightly as I come undone.