by L.H. Cosway
More blinking. “Wow, that’s … where did this decision come from?”
“After finding out about Vee’s lie, it just suddenly occurred to me. I know you probably think I’m mad, but nothing has ever felt more right.”
My friend stared at me for a long moment, her eyes flickering back and forth between mine. “And it doesn’t frighten you? I mean, you’ll never even get to fall in love.”
Love is terrifying, I thought silently, Noah at the forefront of my mind. If not feeling the sinking, wonderful, scary, exhausting emotions I felt when I was around him was the sacrifice I had to make, so be it. I didn’t want to live on a stormy sea. I wanted to live on calm waters.
I shook my head. “No, that doesn’t frighten me. I’ll find fulfilment in my faith.”
“But you’ve never even had sex,” she whispered. “You’re only nineteen. You might change your mind.”
“I don’t think I will.”
“Have sex then, and see if you still feel the same way,” she said, a hint of challenge in her eyes.
I scoffed, shaking my head. “Okay, I’ll just go out and grab the first man I see.”
“Or woman. Who knows, you might be gay. Maybe that’s why the thought of never having sex with a man doesn’t make you sad,” she joked lightly. “And why being cooped up in a convent with a bunch of other women appeals so much.”
Again, I thought of Noah. “I’m not gay.”
She eyed me a moment, chewing her lip. “Nah, I didn’t think you were. Can I show you something?”
“Sure.”
She left the bed and knelt on the floor, pulling out one of her art folders. Plopping it open, she sifted through several sketches before revealing one that made my breath catch.
“How did you …”
“I did it from memory. It’s not perfect, but I think I caught something of his likeness.”
She’d done more than that. Aoife had drawn a charcoal portrait of Noah, and it was captivating. She’d caught every dark shadow, every mysterious, haunted line. I couldn’t drag my eyes away.
“You can keep it, if you like,” she said, and I glanced at her, cheeks flushing.
“Um, no, that’s alright.”
“Does he scare you?” she asked in a quiet voice.
I met her gaze, and in a moment of unfiltered honesty answered, “He terrifies me.”
“What I wouldn’t give to know what that feels like,” she said on a sigh. “I mean, Jimmy gives me tingles, and it feels nice being with him, but the chemistry between you and Noah. That’s a once in a lifetime feeling.”
“It’s not a good feeling, Aoife. It’s intense and uncomfortable and like there’s this constant itch under my skin.”
A smile tugged at her mouth. “Ah, now I get it.”
“What do you get?”
“The whole nun thing. You’re running away from how you feel about him. You’d rather never know, but I think you need to find out before deciding.”
I shifted in place, frowning down at her exquisitely drawn portrait. I wanted to roll it up and keep it forever, so that in years to come, when I was sitting in some quiet convent garden, I could look at it again and remember how I felt. The feelings would be fainter, just a small wisp of nostalgia, but that would be far more tolerable to the madness burning inside me now.
Suddenly, several foil packets dropped down in front of me. I blinked. “Are those—”
“Condoms. Yeah. Just in case you decide to take my advice,” Aoife answered, and I flushed the deepest shade of red that was humanly possible.
***
Several days went by. I knew I had to return to Vee’s house sooner or later, and I suspected I’d outstayed my welcome at Aoife’s. The two-bedroom flat wasn’t big enough for three people.
Love, sex, marriage and babies were the themes that filled my head all week. Maybe Sister Dorothy and Aoife were right. I could at least try and find out for certain if they were things I could live without. The condoms Aoife gave me were currently burning a hole in the front pocket of my school bag.
“Hey, Estella,” Kean said as he approached me one evening after school.
I was going home at last, carrying both my school bag and my backpack full of clothes that I’d packed the night I went to stay at Aoife’s.
“Oh, hi, Kean. I didn’t see you there,” I said with a small smile.
“Yeah, you looked a million miles away. Can I help you with one of those bags?”
“Um, sure,” I said and handed him the one with my clothes and other possessions.
“Shit, this is heavy. You got your wicked stepmother’s decapitated head in here or something?” he asked with humour.
Normally, I would’ve laughed, but the imagery was far too vivid, especially considering the anger I’d felt towards Vee when Noah revealed her lie. Was there some dark, mangled version of me that could resort to murder? I shuddered at the thought. It was another reason why a life of faith appealed so much. I could work every day through good deeds and prayer to eradicate the deep-seated parts of me that were ugly and twisted.
“No, I was staying at my friend’s house for a few days.”
“You brought a lot of stuff,” Kean chuckled.
“I did. How have you been?”
He ran a hand through his dark blond hair, looking a little shy. “I’ve been okay. My dad mentioned something about talking to you.” He winced. “I’m sorry if he said anything weird.”
I waved away his apology, even though from what I’d experienced of his father, I didn’t like him one bit. “It’s fine. He was a little drunk.”
“Oh, man, that’s embarrassing.”
“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” I said. “I’m used to drunk grown-ups.”
Kean eyed me, looking like he didn’t know whether or not to say something. “My mam says your stepmother’s an alcoholic. Is that true?”
I stiffened. “What makes your mam say that?”
Kean shrugged. “Vee’s made drunken late-night phone calls to our house a few times, ranting and raving at my dad. He accidentally put her on loudspeaker once, and she kept going on about him knowing something and doing nothing about it.”
I was surprised by this. I had no idea Vee made phone calls while drunk, but it was very possible. She locked herself away in the study so many nights. Who knew what she was doing in there?
“Speaking of my mam and dad,” Kean went on. “They’re away for the weekend. It’s my mam’s fiftieth so they’re spending a few days at a spa down the country. You want to come over and hang out?”
Normally, I would’ve said no, but right now, I’d take any offer that meant I could delay seeing Vee. Sylvia, too. I just didn’t know how to feel after what Vee said.
My mother is a vile, evil monster, and if anyone deserves a slow, torturous death, it’s her.
“Okay, sure,” I replied, and I swear no one ever smiled at me as wide as Kean smiled at me right then.
We walked along the beach to his house, chatting about this and that. I found him easy to talk to. If he wasn’t so influenced by his dickhead friends at school, he’d be perfect.
My eyes scanned Ard na Mara as we passed it in the distance. It sat quiet and foreboding, and the thought of sleeping there again had me breaking out in hives. I wondered how long it would take before I could join a convent. How many hoops would I have to jump through? My exams started soon, and even though I was no longer so sure about college, I knew I wanted to sit them at least. I couldn’t allow all the studying and preparation I’d done be for nothing.
Kean led me inside his house, and Sparky was there to greet us, tail wagging. The place was just as old as Vee’s, but it was completely different inside. It was one of those period homes that had been gutted out and modernised. The kitchen was bright and airy, with sky lights, marble countertops and one of those fancy islands for chopping vegetables and preparing food.
On the wall was a giant flat screen television. I looked around in awe.
How sweet would life be if you got to wake up in this house every day?
Kean brought me into the living room, where there was another giant flat screen and a humungous leather corner sofa. I sat down and leaned back. It was like sitting on a cloud, far more comfortable than any bed I’d ever slept in. Sparky jumped up next to me and licked my face. I giggled and wiped off the slobber.
“Do you want to watch something on Netflix?” Kean said, turning on the TV.
“Sure, that sounds good.”
“Here.” He handed me the remote. “Pick something. I’ll go make us some popcorn.”
Well, I could certainly get used to this. I flicked through the options, finally settling on one of those flashy superhero movies where they fake die at the end, then miraculously come back to life. If only real life was so magical. What I wouldn’t give to have my dad come back to me.
Kean returned with soft-drinks and a bowl of popcorn. He settled in next to me, and I took a handful of popcorn.
“I love this one. Good choice,” he said as the opening credits rolled.
We sat and watched the first half of the movie, and I was again struck by how easy he was to be around. Maybe I was too hasty when I’d rejected him. My mind wandered to Aoife encouraging me to have sex so that I knew for sure what I’d be missing out on, and a bold idea entered my head.
Propositioning Noah scared the life out of me, but oddly, propositioning Kean didn’t frighten me at all.
And besides, Sister Dorothy had encouraged me to, well, try things out before I made a final decision. I knew she meant a proper relationship, but I didn’t have time for all that.
Trying not to overthink it, I turned to Kean, placing my hand on his knee. He glanced at my hand, his eyebrows lifting. I met his gaze, and my cheeks heated.
“Do you want to have sex?” I blurted.
His eyes bugged. “Uh, what?”
I repeated my question, my heart starting to race. “Do you want to have sex … with me?”
He stared at me for a long moment, and I saw a strange triumphant flicker behind his eyes, but it was gone so fast I didn’t have time to properly analyse it. “Right now?” he asked.
I swallowed for courage and nodded. “Yes, right now. Your parents will be gone all weekend, won’t they?”
Kean bobbed his head, a small grin shaping his lips. “Yes, they’ll definitely be gone.”
I thought he looked a little too pleased. Typical teenage boy. I placed my hand on his chest, making myself perfectly clear. “I don’t want to be your girlfriend. I just want to have sex with you once. Okay?”
Now he smirked. “We’ll see about that.”
“Kean,” I exclaimed. “I mean it.”
He lost the cocky smirk and shot me a kind smile. “Okay, Estella. Just once.”
I relaxed at his reassurance, and his hands grasped my hips. A tortured sound escaped him as he brought his mouth to mine. I found the press of his lips a little too urgent. It didn’t fill me with uncontrollable lust, in fact, it was slightly unpleasant.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
On instinct, my mind wandered to Noah, and without intending it I suddenly imagined kissing him instead. Kean’s palm lightly brushed my breast over the top of my uniform, and a zing of awareness swept through me. Noah’s eyes flashed in my head again, and my heart yearned for him to magically replace Kean in this moment.
My phone started ringing in my school bag and I quickly broke the kiss. The loud vibration filled the room, and I was glad for the interruption. Kissing Kean hadn’t been the pleasurable experience I’d hoped for. In fact, it only highlighted how much I wanted Noah.
“Hello?” I answered, bringing the phone to my ear.
“Where are you?” Noah asked, a hint of impatience lacing his deep voice. A tremble shuddered through me. I hadn’t seen him all week, not since he dropped me off at Aoife’s, so even hearing him speak over the phone was intense. Not to mention I was worked up from imagining kissing him instead of Kean.
“Why do you want to know?” I asked back.
“It’s Friday,” he answered simply. “We have a driving lesson.” I’d completely forgotten about our weekly driving lessons. I shot Kean a regretful glance.
“School let out over an hour ago.” Noah went on. “Are you at Aoife’s? I can come get you.”
“No,” I answered breathlessly. “I’m not at Aoife’s.”
“Then where are—”
“I’ll meet you at the house in five minutes,” I told him before abruptly hanging up.
“Do you have to go?” Kean asked, looking disappointed.
“Yeah, I have a driving lesson that I forgot about, but maybe I could come back later?”
“Sure,” he nodded enthusiastically. “I’ll be here.”
I grabbed my things and left. As I approached Vee’s house, I spotted Noah standing outside. He threw the butt of his cigarette to the ground and stubbed it out with his boot. Self-awareness took over as his eyes wandered over me. His focus settled on my lips, and I worried he saw how puffy they were from kissing Kean.
Not that it was any of his business. Right.
His eyes narrowed. “Where were you?”
“At the library.”
“You walked all the way from the library in five minutes?”
“No, I was already on my way home when you called,” I lied. I didn’t know how he’d react if I told him the truth. Would he be jealous and lash out? Or would he not care at all? With Noah it was so hard to predict his behaviour.
I dropped my bags inside the porch and went to get into the car when he stopped me. “You know how to drive a car now. I thought today we’d mix things up a little.” He nodded to his motorbike, and I vehemently shook my head.
“No way. I already told you. I have zero aspirations to learn how to drive one of those death traps.”
Noah took several steps closer until he stood only a few inches away from me. “You don’t seem to have any problem riding on the back of it with me.”
Something about the way he was looking at me, soaking in every detail, made my throat constrict. How was it possible that a look from Noah could affect me so much more powerfully than Kean did when he kissed me?
“That’s because you know what you’re doing,” I said.
He tilted his head. “You trust me?”
“To drive a motorbike, yes.”
A low chuckle from him. “Fuck, I’ve missed you this week.” The affection in his voice almost did me in. I’d missed him, too. More than I cared to admit. He reached out and slid his fingers through mine. “You almost make that house tolerable.”
My eyebrows rose. “I do?”
“You do.” He leaned in, inhaling. “Now, do you wanna have some fun or what?”
I didn’t know what possessed me. Maybe it was his drugging proximity, or the fact that I’d missed not seeing him all week, but I replied with a breathless. “Okay.”
19.
Driving a motorbike was nothing like driving a car. Learning how to drive a car had been a practicality. I was cocooned inside a metal box with the illusion of safety. But this was pure adrenaline. There was nothing but air between the bike and the road. The danger was palpable, indulgent almost. I knew I shouldn’t enjoy it, but I did.
Noah sat behind me, his arms around my waist. Every nerve ending came alive at the hum between my legs.
“Go a little faster,” he encouraged as we sped down the empty country road.
His warmth at my back was electric. I’d never felt more powerful than I did in this moment. His presence was invigorating, awakening.
I increased my speed, and he purred approvingly. “That’s it. Use your instinct.”
One hand dropped to my thigh, and I swallowed thickly. I didn’t take my focus off the road as his hand moved higher. How could I go back to Kean tonight after this pure, unadulterated high?
Noah obliterated me for anyone else.
“Do you feel that?” he asked over t
he noise of the engine.
“Feel what?” I replied.
His other hand moved up and pressed into the left side of my chest. “Your heart racing.” It was hard to concentrate with his hand there.
Again, his hand on my leg inched higher. Anxiety took hold, and I blurted, “I’m joining a convent.”
Just like that, his touch fell away.
“What?” he questioned, a sudden flatness to his voice.
I slowed down, pulling to a dodgy, unpractised stop at the edge of a quiet field. I took off the helmet, about to climb off the bike, when Noah’s arms pulled me back. He brought his mouth to my ear. “Did you just tell me you’re thinking about becoming a nun?” He sounded angry now.
“I’m not thinking about it. I’m doing it.” I pulled free of his arms and got off the bike. Noah turned off the engine and stalked after me. I walked into the field, needing the open space after blurting my confession. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that the claustrophobic feeling my decision gave me was not a good sign. Becoming a nun felt like the right choice and the wrong one all at once.
Noah came to stand next to me, his attention on the cows eating grass far in the distance.
“Why?” he asked, turning to me now. I felt his eyes on my profile so intensely I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“Why what?”
“Don’t play dumb. Why are you committing yourself to a nunnery?” His words were laced with frustration and anger and grief, and a whole host of other emotions I didn’t have time to identify. Did he really care about my choice this much? The thought made my pulse pound.
“Because dedicating my life to God feels like the right thing to do,” I told him.
“Bullshit.”
“Noah!” I exclaimed.
“You know I’m right.” I glanced at him, and his eyes were sharp as daggers. “The life of a nun isn’t necessarily godly. Have you any clue of the evil nuns have done in this country in the past?”
“I’m well aware of what nuns have done in the past, but that’s not what I’ll do. I’ll be a force for good.”
He threw his hands up in the air and laughed somewhat manically. “Jesus Christ, I might as well have taught you nothing.” He dragged a hand down his face. “I gave you all those books so that you could decide for yourself.”