by L.H. Cosway
“No, it isn’t, but I forgave her. She was just as much a victim as I was.”
“Why did Victor attack you?” I asked, stunned by what he was telling me. Maybe it was easier to speak the truth under the veil of night.
Noah gave a heartless chuckle. “He never needed a reason why, Estella. My father put on a good show, but few people knew the real him. Underneath the cheerful façade lay a violent monster. Then he turned me into one, too.”
“You’re not a monster.”
The way he sat in shadow, watching me sleep was a little unnerving, but Noah wasn’t a bad person. If most people’s behaviour sat on a level axis, Noah’s sat on one that was slightly tilted. Anyone else would think twice about entering my room uninvited in the middle of the night, but he didn’t think like everyone else. His childhood had malformed him in ways I couldn’t even begin to fathom.
At my statement, he climbed off the chair and approached the bed. He sat at the very end of the mattress, leaving several feet between us. “Were you sent to a young offender’s prison?” I asked, and he nodded.
“I was transferred to a regular one when I turned eighteen.”
“When were you released?”
“Two years ago.”
“And what have you been doing since then?”
“Being Aleksy Mazur.”
“Why?” I whispered.
“Because Noah Dylan has too many demons, and I didn’t want to be him anymore,” he answered flatly. My chest gave a sharp pang. “My cellmate was from Poland. His name was Tadeusz. We had to find ways to pass the time so I learned the language and the accent from him. Languages come easy to me. I pick them up fast.”
He held my gaze, and my throat grew heavy. I wanted to reach out and pull him to me, embrace him until the shadows of his past melted away. Somehow, though, I suspected there wasn’t anything that could make him forget. What happened with his dad would always stay with him.
A memory came back to me, when he’d talked of Dante’s Inferno and how he was destined for the seventh circle of hell. It was where murderers spent their eternal punishment.
The idea of Noah seeing himself as a killer broke my heart because if what he said about Victor was true, then he was no killer. Everyone was entitled to defend their own life.
“If your father was so cruel, then why have you put so much effort into this remembrance ceremony?”
“Because I want to put it behind me. I want to put it all to rest. Then, finally, I can move on with my life.”
That seemed logical – too logical almost. I didn’t see Noah as the sort of person who put things to rest. I saw him as the sort who righted wrongs, who enacted revenge with a bloodied sword.
“I’m sorry I woke you,” he said softly, eyes lowering to my bare shoulders. I wore only a thin, sleeveless pyjama top.
The air thickened, and my skin heated as I took in his shirtless form. He was cut from marble, more stunning than any renaissance sculpture.
“Why are you in my room, Noah?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
His mouth curved, and his green eyes practically blazed. “When I said no to having sex with you, and when I stopped kissing you on the beach, I was trying to be good. But I’ve changed my mind. I want to be bad.”
His words sent my insides into a tailspin.
“Be bad then,” I murmured quietly. Bravely.
I braced for impact as he closed the distance between us and climbed atop me. He took my hands in his, lifting them above my head, and I fell back into the pillows. His grip was so tight it was almost painful, but I liked the sting of it. Noah hovered above me, multitudes flashing behind his eyes. The only noise in the room was the sound of our laboured breaths.
I arched my spine, and our hips brushed. Everything inside of me was frenzied as I confessed, “I’ve never done this before.”
His eyes blazed like green fire in the dark. “Neither have I.”
Time stood still. Confusion filled me as I absorbed what he said. “You’ve never?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Not even in the last two years?”
“I never met someone I wanted to be with. Not until you.”
My heart pounded. A steel band wrapped tight around the sentimental organ. Noah was a virgin?
“Changed your mind?” he asked wryly, his expression self-deprecating.
My attention was drawn to the way the muscles in his arms stood in relief as he held himself above me. I swallowed thickly. “No, I’m just a little shocked.”
“Not all men come out of prison wanting to have sex with the first woman they see,” his lips twisted sardonically. “I was damaged, still a kid in a lot of ways. I’d seen so much behind bars, but inside I was a terrified fifteen-year-old who’d accidentally caused his father’s death. I was seriously fucked up, and I hated people. I resented them for how easy they had it. Then I met you, and I recognised the demons in your eyes. They were so much like the demons in mine.”
My pulse thrummed, my skin tingling as I tentatively pressed my lips to his. A shudder went through his entire body as I whispered against his mouth, “If I pit my demons against yours, will they obliterate each other so we can both finally be free?”
His eyes flickered back and forth between mine. “I don’t know. Shall we find out?”
I nodded, and he dropped down so the entire length of his body pressed to mine. He flattened his palms out on my palms, pressed his forehead to my forehead so there wasn’t a single inch of us that wasn’t connected. I savoured the weight of him, the heavenly pressure of his body. It filled in the dips and curves and cracks in me, making me whole again.
The burden of my conscience, the guilt and worry I carried inside of me, all fluttered away like dust on the wind. I lifted my hips, arching my spine again, and this time I felt the distinct evidence of his arousal. The knowledge that he wanted me, that he burned for me like I burned for him, was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.
Noah’s lips found mine, and he kissed me softly, deepening it slowly, opening me up to him little by little. He moved his hips, and I adjusted my legs so that he nestled perfectly between my thighs. His kiss lasted an eternity, so long I started to recognise the unpractised, inexperienced, needful way he kissed me. It was almost like kissing fascinated him so much that he didn’t ever want to stop doing it. His palms remained flat against mine, the feel of our connected fingertips unexpectedly erotic.
It was hard to believe that at the age of twenty-five this was his first real time being intimate with another person. It was mine, too, and the thought swept me up in a heady, indescribable wave of feeling.
When one of his hands moved down, traversing past my wrist, the length of my arm and across to swoop over my breasts, I trembled.
“Is that good?” he asked curiously.
I nodded, responding fervently, “Yes, so good.”
A sexy smile shaped his mouth as his other hand found the end of my sleep shirt and pulled it up over my head. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and when the cool air touched my skin, every nerve ending awoke.
His eyes practically shone as he took me in, one hand softly caressing my breast. “You’re so fucking beautiful it hurts to look at you. I don’t deserve to touch you, but I will because I’m a bastard,” he said as he lowered his mouth, closing his lips around my nipple, making me feel so good I forgot my own name.
I undulated beneath him, pleasure scattering through my cells. I watched as he tasted my skin. He seemed enthralled by my body, and I was enthralled by his. I felt like I was floating as he moved down, his lips trailing across my stomach to the waistband of my underwear. Glancing up at me, his eyes flashed with desire.
“This okay?” he asked, fingering the hem.
In that moment, I couldn’t make a single sound. All I could do was breathlessly nod my head.
Yes, please, do whatever you want to me. Just don’t stop.
Noah tugged my underwear down until I was naked beneath
him. He was both a seductive devil and an inexperienced ingenue as he lowered himself down my body, kissing my stomach, trailing his mouth along my inner thigh. He absorbed me so exquisitely, existing completely in the moment. Everything I was made of was strung tight, like a bow about to snap.
He ran his nose over my inner thigh, and I gasped. He stared up at me, soaking me in, his eyes tracing the rise of my breasts, the curve of my hips, lingering between my legs.
“If there’s anyone who can restore my belief in God, it’s you,” he said right before his mouth met my most intimate skin, and my entire body convulsed. I looked down, entranced by the sight of his head between my legs. Our eyes met, and I was fit to burst with the light, feathery pressure of his tongue. Then he licked at me in earnest, sucking the bundle of nerves at the centre of me, and it wasn’t long before I shuddered beneath him.
Chills trickled over me as he climbed back up my body, eyes sparkling with enchantment. I reached for the fly of his jeans, and he trembled when my knuckles brushed over his lower stomach. He held still as I shoved his jeans down and tentatively took him in my palm. A deep, raspy breath escaped him as I guided him close until the core of our bodies met. I gasped at the connection, sucking in a breath, before I realised he wasn’t wearing protection. This was both of our first times, but pregnancy was still a danger. I shifted away from him, remembering the condoms Aoife gave me.
“Where are you going?” Noah asked, his voice strained as I went to grab my bag in the far corner of the room. I pulled out one of the small foil packets and returned to the bed. Noah eyed it, looking apologetic.
“I should’ve thought of that.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, flushing. “Aoife gave them to me.”
“Aoife’s a good friend.”
“Yes, she is,” I agreed, glancing down at the condom. I bit my lip and met Noah’s gaze. “I have no clue how to, um ...”
He reached out, caressing my cheek. “We’ll figure it out.”
Noah crawled atop me again, his lips returning to mine. Slowly, I relaxed, pleasure seeping back into me as I lost myself in his kiss. In his lips and teeth and tongue. He lowered his face to my neck, scraping his teeth across my skin, and I undulated, moaning quietly.
“How are you so … so good at this?” I breathed, and he gave a deep chuckle.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think about it.”
A flush broke out across my chest. “Oh.”
He chuckled some more, a little of his cockiness breaking through, and every part of me burned for him. I was on fire. We couldn’t possibly get any closer, but my body begged for more. He drew back then, picking up the condom. He glowered at it, his brows drawn together in concentration as he tried to figure it out. I’d never seen anything sexier than Noah tearing open the foil and rolling the piece of rubber down his stiff length.
He positioned himself back between my thighs, and time slowed to a snail’s pace. I felt like I was holding my breath, unsure what was to come next. Would there be pain?
Noah’s eyes asked a question, and mine gave the answer. Yes, I want this. I only exhaled when he pushed inside, joining us completely. He seemed to breathe in the air I let out. The sharp, stingy pain of him entering me felt like a rip in space and time. Nothing else existed in that moment but the two of us.
His lips pressed to mine once more, his kiss ferocious, like he was trying to suck the pain out of my body and into his. I became aware that he was just as tense as I was, but probably for a whole different reason. Noah held still inside me, his eyes clenched shut.
“You feel incredible,” he said, jaw working. “Am I hurting you?”
I reached up to cup his cheek. “It’s a little sore, but it’s okay.”
He opened his eyes. “Do you want me to keep going?”
“Yes,” I breathed. “Don’t stop.”
He moved his hips again, gentle at first, but slowly increasing in speed. The longer he was inside me, the more I became accustomed to him, and the sharp pain started to fade. It was still there, but there was pleasure as well. The two melded, bringing forth a sensation that was unlike anything I’d ever felt. A moan escaped me, and the noise did something to Noah. He palmed my hips, and everywhere he touched felt like a claiming. I was mesmerised by him. I always found him attractive, but he was so much more than that. He was a work of art. A thing of beauty rendered even more exquisite by the chips and cracks he’d gotten along the way.
He lowered himself, bringing us closer as he dropped his face into my neck. He made a deep, guttural, growling sound into my skin. The vibration of it shattered through me. Nothing would ever live up to the sheer intensity of him. Not ever. He licked and sucked at my neck, then caught my chin in his fingers as he brought his eyes to mine.
“I never imagined I’d find someone like you,” he rasped, a flicker of sadness in his eyes. It gave me pause, but then his body shuddered as he came, his muscles straining from the pleasure. This was only our first time, and already I was lost, falling so deep I’d never, ever recover.
Noah Dylan would be my undoing.
22.
I woke up with warm arms around me. Noah breathed softly, still fast asleep as I turned to face him. His dark lashes cast shadows over his face, but those shadows didn’t seem so mysterious anymore. Now I saw some of the truth behind them.
And I loved that truth, even if it was stark and frightening.
He seemed so much younger asleep. I couldn’t see the demons in his eyes, nor the past that haunted him. I only saw the man who laid claim to me, body and soul.
I trailed my fingers over the planes of his cheeks, the curve of his chin, marvelling at his beauty. It was a small consolation prize, considering all he’d been through. I lifted one of his hands, running my thumb across the knuckles, noticing a small scar. I hadn’t looked closely enough at his hands before to see it, but the thin, silvery, jagged line shimmered in the morning light.
“You kill me.” I whispered the words he’d spoken to me twice before, only now understanding their meaning. Noah made me feel like I was dying an exquisitely pleasurable death. I rested my head against his chest, closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat.
I wasn’t sure how long I spent like that before his hand moved, travelling across my hip and over my stomach. “Morning,” he said, voice raspy.
I turned my head to look up at him, his sleepy, half-mast gaze staring back at me. One edge of his mouth curved in a tired grin. My bare breasts were flush with his chest, and I felt my nipples bead from that almost grin. I couldn’t believe I’d slept in the same bed with him all night—completely naked. My stomach tightened and clenched in the most delicious way.
“Good morning,” I replied quietly, unable to look away. His hand continued to stroke, cruising past my bottom and to my thigh. His fingertips prodded, lifting my leg slightly and bringing us even more flush.
“Much better,” he murmured, and I felt him hardening beneath me. Just like that, my breathing quickened. “How do you feel?” Noah asked. “Sore?”
“A little,” I said, closing my eyes at the feel of him against me.
“Want me to make it better?” he asked huskily, his hand coming between us to stroke me. I shuddered at his touch, gasping when his fingers found my core. I pressed my mouth to his neck, scraping my teeth along his skin. A little trick I learned from him last night. Noah groaned, still touching me as he adjusted himself and slid inside me. It was so easy, so effortless. I cried out as he moved his hips, pumping into me from underneath slow and deep. I opened my eyes, and the sheer passion and need in his gaze nearly did me in.
We were both so overcome with pleasure, so drugged by one another that I didn’t immediately realise he was inside of me bare.
“Wait,” I gasped. “We forgot to …”
“Shit,” Noah growled, realising, too. “I didn’t mean to. God, I just …”
“It’s okay, don’t stop,” I reassured breathily, not wanting him to pull ou
t because it felt too good to have him inside me. “Neither of us has been with anyone, just …”
“I’ll pull out,” he responded fervently, and I nodded, relieved we were on the same page.
I never looked away, never broke the connection as he drove my body to the height of pleasure. Any soreness from last night was slowly fading, a new, dizzying sensation taking hold. I loved how he filled me, loved the connection between our bodies. Noah had an awareness of me, an instinct of knowing just where to touch, how much pressure to apply to drive me wild.
The emptiness that always lingered inside me felt so much smaller now. And last night I didn’t have a single nightmare, only blissful, dreamless sleep.
“Your body is incredible,” Noah said. “I never knew I could feel like this. That I could be so …” he trailed off, overcome.
I cupped his cheek, my heart squeezing at his raw vulnerability. “I know,” I whispered.
The moment was abruptly shattered when a door creaked open down the hall. We both froze. My eyes widened as we listened to Vee leave her bedroom and go downstairs, a sobering reminder we weren’t alone in the house. Her room was at the other end of the hall, with several other bedrooms between hers and mine, so I doubted she heard us. I still felt panicked though. This thing between Noah and me felt so precious and new, and I didn’t want to taint it with anyone else knowing. Not yet.
“I should probably get ready for work,” Noah said regretfully, pressing a soft kiss to my temple.
I nodded, closing my eyes against the feel of his lips, trembling when he pulled out of me. He sat on the edge of the bed, and I fell back into the pillows. He cast a reluctant look my way, swearing under his breath as he gazed down at me.
He reached out, stroking a hand through my hair. “I wish I could stay here all day with you.”
“I wish you could, too,” I replied, heart pounding. I didn’t want to spend a single moment away from him, and that was a scary thought because I still had a path to follow. A curse to break. And the very act of breaking it meant I couldn’t be with him. I deflated at the idea.
Noah’s eyes ran down my body and back up. I held the duvet to my chest, every part of me tingling from his hands, mouth and tongue. The memories of how he devoured me filled my head. I was tied up in knots over him, and we’d only spent one night together.