Being responsive to the other’s legitimate needs.
Empowering the other to contribute effectively to the cooperative effort; soliciting the other’s views, listening responsively, sharing information, and otherwise helping the other—when necessary—to be an active, effective participant in the cooperative problem-solving process.
Being appropriately honest. Being dishonest, attempting to mislead or deceive, is of course a violation of cooperative norms. However, one can be unnecessarily and inappropriately truthful. In most relationships, there is usually some ambivalence, a mixture of positive as well as negative thoughts and feelings about the other and about oneself. Unless the relationship has developed to a very high level of intimacy, communicating every suspicion, doubt, fear, and sense of weakness one has about oneself or the other is likely to be damaging to the relationship—particularly if the communication is blunt, unrationalized, and unmodulated. In effect, one should be open and honest in communication but appropriately so, realistically taking into account the consequences of what one says or does not say and the current state of the relationship.
Throughout conflict, remaining a moral person—therefore, a person who is caring and just—and considering the other as a member of one’s moral community—therefore, as a person who is entitled to care and justice.
In the heat of conflict, there is often a tendency to violate the norms of cooperation. For example, you begin to attack the other as a person (“you’re stubborn,” “you’re selfish,” “you’re unreasonable,” “you’re inconsiderate,” “you’re narcissistic,” “you’re paranoid”). Recognize when you start to do this, stop, apologize, and explain what made you angry enough to want to belittle and hurt the other. If the other starts to do this to you, then interrupt, explain why you are interrupting, and try to resume a mutually respectful dialogue: “You’re calling me names; that’s making me angry and makes me want to retaliate, so pretty soon we’ll be in a name-calling contest and that will get us nowhere. Let’s stick to the issues and be respectful of one another. If you’re angry with me, tell me why. If I’m at fault, I’ll remedy it.”
It is wise to recognize that you, as well as the other, have hot buttons that, if pressed, are likely to evoke strong emotions. The emotions evoked may be anxiety, anger, rage, fear, depression, withdrawal, and so on. It is important to know your own hot buttons and how you tend to react when they are pressed, so that you can control your reactions in that event. Sometimes you need to take time out to control your emotional reactions and consider an appropriate response to what elicits them. Similarly, it is valuable to know the other’s hot buttons so as to avoid pressing them and provoking disruptive emotions in the other.
The Values Underlying Constructive Conflict Resolution
The norms of cooperation and constructive conflict resolution reflect some basic values, to which people who are “profoundly divided by reasonable religious, philosophical, and moral doctrines” can adhere (Rawls, 1996, p. xxxix). A reasonable doctrine includes conceptions of the values and norms with regard to conflict that people who adhere to another reasonable doctrine (as well as those who adhere to one’s own) can endorse and be expected to follow during conflict. Thus, pro-life and pro-choice advocates in the abortion conflict may have profoundly differing views, but they are both components of reasonable doctrines if the adherents to each are willing to follow common values in dealing with their conflict about abortion. Among such values are reciprocity, human equality, shared community, fallibility, and nonviolence. A brief discussion of these interrelated values follows.
Reciprocity.
This is the value in the maxim, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” My understanding of the maxim as it applies to conflict requires each party to treat the other with the fairness that it would normatively expect if in the other’s position. It assumes reciprocity from the other—fairness to and from the other. The fairness in behavior, process, and outcomes expected is normative. As defined by one’s culture, it is how the conflicting parties should or should not behave toward one another if they are, at a minimum, to avoid a destructive conflict or, more positively, to promote constructive management of their conflict. The norms against violence, disrespect, deceit, and irresponsibility are widespread standards for avoiding destructive conflict.
Human Equality.
This value implies that all human beings are equally entitled to just and respectful treatment, with consideration for their needs and to such basic liberties as freedom of conscience, thought, and expression, as well as freedom from coercion. You are entitled to this from the other, and the other is entitled to this from you too. Human equality does not imply that people necessarily have the same status, privileges, power, needs, or wealth. It does imply that such differences are not the consequence of one’s violation of the other’s entitlements.
Shared Community.
Implicit in constructive conflict resolution is mutual recognition of being part of a broader community that members wish to preserve, a community sharing some key values and norms. Such recognition occurs despite important differences between oneself and the other.
Fallibility.
The sources of disagreement between reasonable people are manifold. Disagreements may arise from such sources as the nature of the evidence, the weight to be given to types of evidence, and the vagueness of the moral or other concepts involved, as well as from differences in basic values or worldviews. Reasonable people understand that their own judgment as well as the judgment of others may be fallible.
Nonviolence.
This value implies that neither you nor the other use coercive tactics to obtain agreement or consent. Such tactics include physical or psychological violence (e.g., humiliation), destruction of property or other valued goods, harm to one’s life chances (a potential career), and harm to one’s loved ones.
IMPLICATIONS FOR MANAGING CONFLICT
In prior sections, discussion focused on the attitudes, norms, and values that foster cooperation. These are necessary but not in themselves sufficient. Knowledge and skills are also important in promoting constructive resolution of a conflict. This is the thesis underlying this Handbook. Knowledge of the theory offers a useful framework for organizing one’s thinking about the social psychological consequences of cooperation and competition, as well as the conditions that lead to one rather than the other. It is a way of orienting oneself to new situations. Along with the other theories discussed in this book, it enlarges one’s knowledge of the range of conditions to be considered as one wishes to develop and maintain a constructive, cooperative process of conflict resolution and prevent developing a destructive process.
Skills are also vitally important for developing and implementing successfully an effective, cooperative problem-solving process. There has not been much systematic discussion of the skills involved in constructive solutions to conflict. There are, I believe, three main kinds useful to the participants in a conflict as well as to third parties (such as mediators, conciliators, counselors, or therapists) who are called on to provide assistance to conflicting parties. For convenience, I label them rapport-building skills, cooperative conflict resolution skills, and group process and decision-making skills.
First, there are the skills involved in establishing effective working relationships with each of the conflicting parties and between the conflicting parties if you are the mediator or with the other if you are a participant. Some of the components of this broad category include such skills as breaking the ice; reducing fears, tensions, and suspicion; overcoming resistance to negotiation; establishing a framework for civil discourse and interaction; and fostering realistic hope and optimism. Thus, before negotiations begin between two individuals or groups perceiving each other as adversaries, it is often useful to have informal social gatherings or meetings in which the adversaries can get to know one another as human beings who share some similar interests and values. Skill in breaking the ice and
creating a safe, friendly atmosphere for interaction between the adversaries is helpful in developing the prenegotiation experiences likely to lead to effective negotiations about the issues in dispute.
A second, related set of skills concerns developing and maintaining a cooperative conflict resolution process among the parties throughout their conflict. These are the skills that are usually emphasized in practicum courses or workshops on conflict resolution. They include identifying the type of conflict in which you are involved; reframing the issues so the conflict is perceived as a mutual problem to be resolved cooperatively; active listening and responsive communication; distinguishing between needs and positions; recognizing and acknowledging the other’s needs as well as your own; encouraging, supporting, and enhancing the other; taking the perspective of the other; identifying shared interests and other similarities in values, experiences, and so on; being alert to cultural differences and the possibilities of misunderstanding arising from them; controlling anger; dealing with difficult conflicts and difficult people; being sensitive to the other’s anxieties and hot buttons and how to avoid pressing them; and being aware of your own anxieties and hot buttons as well as your tendencies to be emotionally upset and misperceiving if they are pressed so that these can be controlled.
A third set of skills is involved in developing a creative and productive group problem-solving and decision-making process. These include skills pertinent to group process, leadership, and effective group discussion, such as goal and standard setting; monitoring progress toward group goals; eliciting, clarifying, coordinating, summarizing, and integrating the contributions of the various participants; and maintaining group cohesion. This third set also includes such problem-solving and decision-making skills as identifying and diagnosing the nature of the problem confronting the group; acquiring the relevant information necessary for developing possible solutions; creating or identifying several possible alternative solutions; choosing the criteria for evaluating the alternatives (such as the “effects” on economic costs and benefits, on relations between the conflicting parties, and on third parties); selecting the alternative that optimizes the results on the chosen criteria; and implementing the decision through appropriate action.
People are not novices with regard to conflict. From their life experiences, many have developed some of the component skills involved in building rapport, constructive conflict resolution, and effective group process and problem solving. However, some are not aware that they have the skills or how and when to use them in a conflict. The fact that everyone has been a participant and observer in many conflicts from childhood on results in implicit knowledge, preconceptions, attitudes, and modes of behavior toward conflict that may be deeply ingrained before any systematic training occurs. Many of a person’s preexisting orientations to conflict and modes of behavior in it reflect those prevalent in his or her culture, but some reflect individual predispositions acquired from unique experiences in the contexts of family, school, watching TV, and the like.
Before students can acquire explicit competence in conflict resolution, they have to become aware of their preexisting orientations to conflict as well as their typical behaviors. Awareness and motivation are developed by having a model of good performance that students can compare with their preconscious, preexisting one. Internalization comes from guided and repeated practice in imitating the model. Feedback on the students’ successfulness gradually shapes their behavior to be consistent with the model, and frequent practice leads to its internalization. Once the model has been internalized, recurrence of earlier incompetent orientations to conflict is experienced as awkward and out of place because there are internal cues to the deviations of one’s behavior from the internalized model. In tennis, if you have internalized a good model of serving, internal cues tell you if you are deviating from it (say, by throwing the ball too high). If self-taught tennis students have internalized poor serving models, training should be directed at making them aware of this and providing a good model. So too in conflict resolution.
In summary, the discussion in this and the preceding sections has centered on the orientation, norms, values, and skills that help to develop a cooperative, constructive process of conflict resolution. Without competence in the skills, having a cooperative orientation and knowledge of conflict processes is often insufficient to develop a cooperative process of conflict resolution. Similarly, having the skills is insufficient to develop a cooperative process without the cooperative orientation and motivation to apply the skills or without the knowledge of how to apply the skills in various social and cultural contexts.
IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING
The material already presented in this chapter has several implications for training. They center on the social context of learning, the social context of applying one’s learning, the substantive content of the training, and the reflective practitioner.
The Social Context of Learning
The theory described in this chapter suggests that the social context of learning be one in which cooperation, constructive conflict resolution, and creative controversy are strongly emphasized. The teaching method employed should take the form of cooperative learning, and the conflictual interactions within the classroom or workshop between teacher and students and among students should model those of creative controversy and constructive conflict resolution. The social context of learning should walk the talk, and in so doing offer students the experiences that support a cooperative orientation, exemplify the values and social norms of cooperation, and model the skills in constructive management of conflict.
The Social Context of Application
It can be anticipated that many social contexts are unfavorable to a cooperative orientation and the use of one’s skills in constructive conflict resolution. In some social contexts, an individual who has such skills may expect to be belittled by friends or associates as being weak, unassertive, or afraid. In other contexts, she may anticipate accusations of being “disloyal,” a “traitor,” or an “enemy lover” if she tries to develop a cooperative problem-solving relationship with the other side. In still other contexts, the possibility of developing a constructive conflict resolution process seems so slim that one does not even try to do so. In other words, if the social context leads you to expect to be unsuccessful or devalued in employing your skills, you are not likely to use them; you will do so if it leads you to expect approval and success.
This explanation suggests that in unfavorable social contexts, skilled conflict resolvers often need social support as well as two additional types of skill. One relates to the ability to place yourself outside or above your social context so that you can observe the influences emanating from it and then consciously decide whether to resist them personally. The other type involves the skills of a successful change agent—someone who is able to help an institution or group change its culture so that it facilitates rather than hinders constructive conflict resolution. I mention these additional skills because it is important to recognize that institutional and cultural changes are often necessary for an individual to feel free to express his or her constructive potential.
The common need for social support after training has occurred has implications for who are selected for training and also for posttraining contacts. There are several ways to foster a social context that is supportive: train all of the participants in it, train the influential people, or train a cohort of people of sufficient size to provide effective mutual support in the face of resistance. Posttraining contacts with the training institution and its trainers may also yield the social support necessary to buttress the individual in a hostile environment.
The Substantive Content of Training
In prior sections of this chapter, I have outlined what I consider to be the attitudes, knowledge, and skills that amount to a framework for education in constructive conflict resolution. A skillful trainer fleshes out such a framework with substantive content that is sufficiently vital and i
ntellectually compelling to engage the interest and motivation of the student, is relevant to his or her most common and most difficult conflicts, and is sufficiently diverse in content and social context to facilitate generalizing and applying the training in a variety of situations. To accomplish these objectives, a trainer must not only have a clear framework for training, but also must be open and creative so that he or she can respond to the students’ needs effectively.
The Reflective Practitioner
One of the important goals of education in this area is to help the student, as well as the trainer, become a reflective practitioner of constructive conflict resolution. I refer to two kinds of reflection: on managing the conflicts that you are experiencing and on the framework of conflict resolution that you are employing. Self-reflection about how you are handling conflicts is necessary to continuing improvement and also to prevent old habits, your hot spots, social pressure, and the like from making you regress to less constructive modes of conflict resolution.
Conflict resolution as a field of study is relatively young; it is going through a period of rapid intellectual development. It is experiencing an upsurge in research, theoretical development, and practical experience that I hope results in improvement of the frameworks that are used for training in conflict resolution. The reflective practitioner, by reflecting on his or her practice, can learn from as well as contribute to this growing body of knowledge and reflected-on experience.
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