Amy tried to convince herself that telling Matt was going to be the hard part and she just needed to get it over with. Deep down inside, she knew that the real hard part was going to be seeing him every day at school. Knowing what it felt like to be loved by him—physically, not emotionally—and knowing that was over.
Reaching inside of herself for her deepest inner strength, Amy sniffed once more and checked the mirror to make sure there wasn’t any evidence of her tears. Nope. She was good to go.
She shivered as she left the warm confines of her car. The cold air hitting her face did, she had to admit, did have a refreshing quality to it. Her boots shuffled along the brick path to the back door of Matt’s house.
Rounding the corner, he was once again waiting for her in the doorway. He stood there in sweats and a t-shirt, freshly shaven and looking sexier than should be legal.
Maybe just one more time with him wouldn’t hurt.
No. She had to be strong. One more time would not be a good idea, no matter how tempting it was.
“Hey, beautiful. Feeling better?” Matt’s deep voice warmed Amy from the inside out.
“Hi. Yes I am,” she said weakly.
She had to be strong. Walking up through the doorway, Matt closed the door and pulled her into his strong arms. As much as she just wanted to let herself go and melt into him, she refrained.
Stepping back, she tried to ignore the fact that her heart felt like it was being squeezed like a lemon. “Um, sorry to bug you this early.”
“You could never bug me.” Matt’s face was etched with concern. “Is everything okay? Do you want to sit down?”
“No. I mean, yes,” Amy stammered. “Yes, everything is fine. No, I don’t want to sit down. This won’t take long”
“Okay.” Matt nodded hesitantly as his brow furrowed. He crossed his arms, and the movement put his forearms on sensual display. Amy’s mouth went dry as she tried to swallow. He asked, “What’s up?”
Oh. Right.
“Well, I just wanted to stop by to let you know that I think we have reached the goals I was looking to reach and phase two is complete.” Amy really didn’t think she was doing this right but she had no idea how to end this kind of an arrangement. She’d even Googled it and had come up empty-handed.
“Phase two is complete,” Matt repeated slowly.
“Yes. Thank you so much. It exceeded my expectations.” She forced herself to smile, hoping she could someway, somehow, end this on a good note.
“Amy?” Her name on Matt’s lips filled with so much emotion caused her to take a step back. His emerald-colored eyes searched hers and were filled with equal parts confusion, worry, and—if Amy wasn’t mistaken—pain.
She didn’t want to cause Matt any more pain or suffering in his life. He’d had his fair share. But she knew she had to do this. Her eyes began filling with tears once again.
Not wanting Matt to see her cry, she quickly said, “I have to go. I’m sorry.” She hurried towards the door as tears began falling down her face. This was so much harder than she’d thought it would be.
“Wait, Amy.”
Matt stepped in front of the door and she ran into his chest, just like she had the first week they’d met. Despite the pain crushing her heart, her mouth turned up in a grin at that memory. So much had changed since then. They’d grown closer than she’d ever thought possible in such a short amount of time.
She looked up at him and smiled through her tears. His brow furrowed deeper and he reached up and ran his strong fingers through her hair. God, she was going to miss that. For just a moment, she let her head rest in his large hand. Feeling cared for. Feeling special. Feeling loved.
Knowing that this wasn’t real and she needed to protect whatever piece of her heart was still intact, she stepped back, out of his comforting hold. “I have to go.” She tried to summon a strength she wasn’t sure she even possessed.
“Why? Can’t we just talk about this? You’re crying. What’s wrong?” Matt moved towards her.
Amy’s head was swimming, and all she wanted to do was throw herself into Matt’s arms and say, “Never mind. Forget what I said. Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen. phase two is still on.”
But she knew that if it was this hard to walk away now she wasn’t sure she would be able to do it and remain in one piece later.
“Nothing’s wrong. I just need to go. I can’t do this anymore.” She tried to step around him and he blocked her path once again.
“Why?” His voice was strained with emotion. “Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”
Amy’s hands were shaking. Tears were falling down her face. Her stomach felt like she was going to throw up. She didn’t know how to make him understand without just telling him the truth. But she couldn’t tell him how she really felt.
Perhaps sensing Amy’s inner battle, Matt reached up and cupped Amy’s face with his hands, his thumbs brushing across her cheeks, wiping the tears away. “Amy, you can talk to me.”
“I can’t do this because…” She sniffed and felt the already present knot grow larger in her throat. Maybe it was because of his tenderness. Maybe it was because he kept asking. Maybe it was just because she liked to tell the truth. For whatever reason, the words just tumbled out of her mouth. “Because I love you.”
He froze for a moment before his hands dropped from her face. He stood in front of her his chest rising and falling rapidly.
Now that she’d started, she might as well just lay it all out there. “I love you, Matt. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. That wasn’t part of my plan. And to be honest with you, I think it most likely would have happened even if we hadn’t done phase two.”
Matt stood in front of her, looking shell-shocked. She wasn’t even sure if he was hearing—much less processing—the words she was saying.
She continued anyway. “Thank you so much, Matt. I have grown so much, and I know myself so much better.” She couldn’t stop the tears from falling down her face, but she smiled as she told him, “I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. I just know that I have to protect myself, my heart. So I have to end this”—Amy sniffed and her breath caught—“before I fall even deeper in love with you.”
With that, Amy went up on her tiptoes, pressed her lips to Matt’s cheek one last time, and stepped around him, opening the door and getting out of there. Walking through the cold, she shivered as she cried. Her heart was so completely filled with love and totally broken at the exact same time. Never when she started out on this journey would she have thought this would be her destination.
But even knowing the pain she felt now, she wouldn’t have done a single thing differently. Amy shut her car door and turned the ignition. Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” came softly playing through the speakers.
Perfect.
She drove home, singing her heart out with Whitney knowing, for the first time in her life, that the old saying was actually true: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Matt ran the razor across his jaw then rinsed it off beneath the running water, then repeated the motions completely on autopilot. It seemed like that had been his default setting these past two weeks since Amy had broken up with him. Or ended things, since technically they weren’t even a couple.
He’d felt like he was living in Groundhog’s Day. Getting up. Going to work. Coming home. Watching mindless TV. Going to bed. Then starting the whole process again. Every day was the same. On weekends, he’d just cut out the ‘going to work’ portion.
At school, a few students had asked him what was wrong. He’d told them that he was fine. He’d heard whispers that everyone thought he was just still having a hard time dealing with the loss of his wife.
Which he was. He still missed Jess. He thought about her every day. He would love her until he took his last breath.
But he wasn’t walking around like a zombie because of Jess. No.
He couldn’t seem to function on a normal level because of Amy.
He didn’t just miss her. Her smiles, her laughter, her touch. He craved her. Every fiber in his body screamed that he needed Amy.
He’d barely seen her over the last couple of weeks. The Monday after she’d come over to his house that cold Saturday morning, he’d been given his own homeroom. Matt didn’t know if it was just convenient timing or if Amy had made it happen, but either way, their paths had rarely crossed.
Tapping the excess water off of the blade, Matt turned his head to the side and brought the razor to his other cheek. As he was swiping it down, leaving a path of freshly shaven skin behind it, the overhead bathroom light caused his ring to shine in the mirror. He stopped mid-shave and the razor fell from his grasp.
Lowering both of his hands, he leaned on the bathroom counter, staring at the golden band that encircled his left ring finger. It hit him that he’d been using that ring as a shield to protect himself. He’d thought if he kept it on he would never have to risk feeling what he’d felt the day he lost Jess. That if he never loved again then he’d never lose again.
Which may have worked if he hadn’t met Amy. But wearing his wedding ring hadn’t kept him from falling in love with Amy. It hadn’t protected his heart from breaking wide open when she’d stood before him with tears streaming down her face, telling him that she loved him.
And he’d let her go. He hadn’t stopped her. He told himself he was doing the right thing because of the vows he’d taken and the ring he wore.
Slowly he slipped the ring off of his finger and set it on the counter. Matt stared at the band sitting there on the tile countertop. It wasn’t Jess. It was a symbol of what he and Jess had, but he wasn’t married anymore. His wife was gone. Yes, he’d always love her, but she wasn’t here to share his life with. They didn’t share private jokes and tell each other about their days. He couldn’t hold her in his arms or sleep with her in his bed.
Jess was gone. There was nothing he could do about that.
Amy was here. There was something he could do about that.
So what in the hell was he doing standing in his bathroom?
--- ~ ---
Amy already wanted this day to be over and it had just begun. Actually she wanted this week to be over and it was only Monday morning. In fact, if she was wishing for things, then she wanted this entire school year to be over. Behind her. In the rearview mirror.
She sat at the small table in the teacher’s lounge, listening to Mrs. Coolidge talk about her favorite topic—the downfall of today’s youth—while Mr. Gardine and Mrs. Canela argued over whether or not art programs in schools did or did not actually make a difference in students’ lives.
Of course Amy had opinions on both of these subjects. But she was not in the mood to engage. Her head was pounding and her stomach was upset from her second marathon weekend of crying, sad movie watching and binge ice cream eating.
In all of Amy’s possible outcomes for her project, she’d never dreamed that she would end phase two feeling this miserable. Logically, she saw how it made sense. She had reached heights she’d never known were possible, so why shouldn’t she reach lows that were equally as unfathomable?
“Ms. Maguire, don’t you agree?” Mrs. Canela asked.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I must have zoned out.” Amy smiled politely.
“You don’t quite seem like your bubbly self lately,” Mr. Gardine observed.
“Oh, I’m fine.” She waved her hand dismissively and stood to go rinse her coffee cup over at the sink. “Really, just busy. And I haven’t been getting good nights’ sleep.”
She poured out the almost full cup of now cold coffee and turned on the water.
“You know, I have some homeopathic remedies that help fight insomnia,” Mrs. Canela offered.
“Oh, okay. Thanks.” Amy didn’t feel like revealing the fact that what was keeping Amy awake at night, what had her tossing and turning in her bed, could probably not be cured by homeopathy. Unless they had found an herb that healed a broken heart.
Mr. Gardine grumpily put in his two cents. “Just don’t drink caffeine after five p.m. and you’ll be fine.”
“I’ll try that too.” Amy finished rinsing and drying her mug and decided that she would just go head to her homeroom for the last fifteen minutes before the bell. She really didn’t feel up to company.
She turned to head out of the door, and as she looked up, her breath caught in her throat. Matt was standing in the doorway, looking every bit as sexy as she’d ever seen him looking.
“Hi,” he said with a lopsided grin.
Amy’s heart was clearly not listening to her brain that was telling her not to react and began pounding loudly in her chest. “Hi,” she repeated, hoping she sounded completely unaffected.
She didn’t move. She just stood in place. Part of her current state of paralysis had to do with the fact that Matt was standing smack dab in the center of her escape path and the other had part was just because she hadn’t been this close to Matt in the last two weeks and it was making her feel a little lightheaded.
She had to get a grip. He’d just said hi. He was only a coworker. All she had to do was walk past him, make it to the privacy of her classroom, lock the door, and then she could have the mini meltdown that she deserved.
With a plan firmly in place, Amy held her head high and forced her feet to move across the room. As she approached Matt, she could smell him, and it caused a tingling deep in her belly. She tried to ignore it and paste on her friendliest smile as she approached him.
Thankfully, he stepped to the side as she brushed past him and moved out the doorway. She began moving down the hall and felt him fall in step beside her. Not daring to turn and look at him, she just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
“Amy.” Matt’s long fingers wrapped gently around her wrist. She felt the light touch all the way to her core.
“Yeah.” She looked down at where he held her and noticed immediately that he was not wearing his ring on his left hand. Her eyes shot up to his.
“Can we talk?” he asked with a sexy, dimple-appearing smile. The sight made her knees buckle.
“Sure. I was just headed to my room,” she said shakily as she pulled her wrist out of his grasp.
The short walk to her classroom felt like the longest she’d ever taken in her life. They passed and greeted students on the way, and Amy hoped she was pulling off cool, calm, and collected. From the strange looks on Candice’s, Tiff’s, and Tyler’s faces, she harbored serious doubts that she actually was.
Finally, when they made it to her room, Amy’s hand was shaking like a leaf as she put her key into the doorknob. They stepped inside and Amy made a beeline to her desk. For some reason, she felt like she just needed to sit behind it to anchor herself. She really wished that she could just calm down. It was just that she had absolutely no idea what Matt wanted to talk to her about. Her mind was reeling from all of the possibilities.
It could be anything. Just because he wasn’t wearing his ring didn’t necessarily mean anything. Maybe he’d decided to get a dog and wanted her opinion on the best breed. Maybe he wanted to know when the next staff meeting was. Maybe he’d decided to move back to Arizona. Maybe he’d…
“God, I’ve missed you.” Matt’s deep voice cut through the possibilities racing through her mind. The statement caused her already wobbly knees to give out on her and she plopped down in her chair as Matt stood beside her.
Maybe he’d missed her.
--- ~ ---
Matt’s heart clenched as he noticed that Amy looked as white as a sheet. “Are you okay?”
Amy nodded.
“Are you sure?” he asked again, because she looked about two seconds away from passing out.
She took in a deep breath and a small smile began to spread across her beautiful face. Instantly he relaxed.
“I’m fine. Just tired.” Her china blue eyes sparkled up at him, and he realized in hi
s rush to come and talk to her that he hadn’t really prepared what he wanted to say. He knew he better think of something fast though because the bell would be ringing in a few minutes and students would be flooding inside the room. He could wait and talk to her at lunch or after school but he didn’t want to. Because honestly, Matt didn’t think he could stand sitting through his classes before he set things right. Or at least attempted to.
“Matt?” Amy stared up at him expectantly.
Matt smiled down at her wide, eyes filled with warmth. “Sorry.” He might not know the exact words to say, but this was Amy—his Amy—so he figured he would just start talking. “I don’t know about you, but for me, these past two weeks have been miserable.”
Amy let out a forced laugh as she nodded in agreement.
“I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight, I can’t focus. All I do is think about you and miss you.” Matt cleared his throat. “Amy, I never thought I would love someone again. But I was wrong, because I do love you. I’ve just been too scared to admit it. I just…” He felt himself starting to get choked up but he pushed it down to continue. “I just didn’t think I could survive losing someone I loved like that again. But the thing is, Amy, I don’t have a choice in the matter.
“Because I do love you and I don’t want to waste any time we do have together being scared that something might happen. I just want to be with you. I want you to be the last person I see at night and the first person I see every morning.”
“You do?” Tears were falling down Amy’s cheeks, but Matt hoped they were happy ones.
“Yes,” he smiled and pulled her up into his arms. She came willingly and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her full lips to his. Matt reached up and threaded his fingers through her hair, tilting her head to deepen the kiss. God, he’d missed the feel of her soft lips against his.
Snow Days (The Hope Falls Series) Page 23