I can’t stop myself from leaning forward as he drops my hair and turns away, flipping my grilled cheese. I try to gasp for air quietly though I think they can probably hear my heart pounding all the way back in Maryland. “So, yeah, I like red okay, I guess,” he says.
I finish my grilled cheese as he brings in the rest of my stuff from the truck. I’m relieved that I’ll be staying here since he’s the only person I know, but feel uneasy as well, since I don’t actually know him. I try not to analyze my feelings too much. I don’t have any other options, so no matter how good or bad this turns out, this is all I’ve got right now.
I wash my plate in the sink and set it in the drainer. I’m contemplating drying it and putting it away when I notice the dishwasher. I open it and see that the dishes in it are clean so I take out the plates that look like the one he gave me, since I know where he got those from. I stack them on the counter, then gather them up and hobble over to the cabinet they belong in. I put them away and see that the coffee mugs go next to them and the larger plates above them so I go back and repeat the process with those. Then I gather up the silverware and put that away in the drawer where he got the butter knife.
I see colanders stacked on a shelf in the room off the kitchen where he got the pan, so I get the colander out of the dishwasher and head that way. I step into a cozy laundry room that doubles as a pantry and dish storage. It’s painted a soft blue and the tile floor is older. The washer and dryer are the front-loading kind I’ve never seen outside of a home store. I hope I get to use them.
“You don’t have to do that,” he says behind me. I drop the colander on the floor and spin toward him, startled. My ankle gives out and I stumble. His hands grasp my upper arms to steady me and pain shoots through my right arm. I must yelp, because he immediately lets go and I start to fall again. His arm slides around my waist and he hauls me against him and walks me back over to the bar stool, where he gently pushes me down. “You’ve gotta get a little less clumsy, girl. You’re taking years off my life,” he says as he studies my arm. “Son of a fucking bitch,” he hisses the words and I look down surprised to see that my upper arm is black and purple, complete with finger imprints on the inside of my arm. You could probably buy Travis gloves by holding them up to my bruises to gauge size.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “It usually doesn’t bother me so much. I’m sure tomorrow it won’t hurt so much, I’ll be used to it by then, and then I won’t act so stupid.” I want him to stop looking at me like that. Like I horrify him. Instead he looks more angry, more horrified. I can’t seem to do anything right today.
He drops my arm and stands up straight, pulling my head against his chest, and I feel his chin on the top of my head. It’s odd that I just met him today. It should feel awkward, him holding me like this, but I feel safe when he holds me. Safer than I ever have before, even when he’s upset with me.
He doesn’t say anything for a long time and I’m afraid to say anything, I don’t want to stick my foot in my mouth and make him let go. His heartbeat sounds so strong, so steady. He smells so comforting I begin to forget that he’s mad at me and my eyes get heavy. He shifts and drops his chin to my shoulder and I’m awake again as his breath brushes against my ear with every exhale, sending twisting tendrils of desire down my spine.
“Don’t you ever be sorry, Alex,” he whispers. “No one should ever hurt you. No one has the right to touch you with anything but kindness, love, and respect. If anyone ever hurts you again, you tell me.” He pulls back and looks into my eyes. Their silvery blue has gone the deep gray of tornado clouds in a moonless midnight sky. “I don’t care where I am, I don’t care who they are, you call me if anyone ever hurts you again, Alex. You hear me?” he asks. I nod. I can’t speak with him so close, sucking the air out of my lungs, making my heart race so fast it will have to explode for me to find relief.
“You promise me, Alex. I don’t care if it’s your family, a friend, the President, the Pope, the son of a bitch that did this, especially him actually, I don’t care. Anyone. You promise you’ll tell me.” He demands.
“I promise,” I choke out and take a deep gasping breath. I don’t know why I can’t breathe when he’s this close.
“Okay,” he says, pulling me in again, “Okay.” He holds me for a minute or so longer, then releases me. “Let’s get you settled in your room. You must be exhausted,” he says, holding out his hand.
Chapter Seven
It’s been almost two weeks since I ‘moved in’ with Chance. I started work last week and we’re beginning to get a routine down. We get along surprisingly well and it’s a relief. I keep waiting for him to tell me that it’s time to go to my own place, but since I don’t even get my first paycheck until next week, I’m not sure when that’s going to be able to happen. I’m trying really hard not to dwell on it. My stomach is getting bigger and more uncomfortable by the day. My clothes are far too tight now, but I try to leave things unbuttoned or wear the more stretchy things I have as much as I can.
Today is Wednesday so I get my shower while Chance goes into town to get breakfast. I’ve told him repeatedly I’m capable of making breakfast but he insists on picking it up every morning. I don’t complain, but I do feel bad that it’s yet another thing I owe him for. I get out of the shower, dry off, and get dressed.
I don’t bother with hair and makeup other than brushing my hair back into a ponytail. I haven’t since I got here. I like just being myself without all the extra. It would just melt off in the heat anyway. I notice the bruise on my arm is almost gone. Only the tiniest yellow spot remains to remind me it ever existed. I can’t wait until it’s completely gone. Every time Chance sees it his eyes get cloudy again and I hate that I let him down.
I hear his truck pull in and head for the front door, where Shadow meets me. I pet him and talk to him as we go out on the porch. Chance slides out of the truck with a fast food bag and throws a hash brown to Shadow, which he catches like the expert he is. We walk back into the house together, talking about the things that need to be done at the office today.
I really think I’m getting the hang of it. I mostly just answer phones, handle filing, some minor spreadsheets, and relay messages, but Chance and his brother, Jace, have so much to do. They have to get permits, get clearance from underground for jobs, make sure that each sub-contractor reports to the right place at the right time, make sure deliveries come in on time. It’s mind-boggling. It’s a tremendous amount of responsibility but they handle it well and it seems that everything gets done on time. I get very few angry phone calls.
We sit down at the kitchen island and eat our breakfast, drink our coffee, and talk. We’ve become good companions I think. I don’t really know anyone here, so I only have him and Shadow for company at this point.
I haven’t talked to Bay since the night I arrived. She cried while apologizing for what Mike did, then screamed at me and called me terrible names I know she didn’t mean for moving so far away with a guy I had just met. I understood her anger, and concern, so I accepted it and promised her I would call her if anything happened. Chance assured her she could call anytime she wanted to talk to me, and gave her the house line, his cell number, and the office number, but she hasn’t called since. I guess she wasn’t that concerned after all? I don’t want to run up Chance’s phone bill to call her, so I don’t even ask him if I can use his phone, though I know he would let me. I don’t have anyone else I want to talk to, and she probably needs time to cool off anyway.
Sometimes he seems to want to ask about that, about why I have no friends, no family that I speak of, but he catches himself and I appreciate that. I’m simply not ready to discuss my life before I came here. Not yet anyway.
Chance gathers up the wrappers from breakfast and stands to throw them in the garbage. He looks good this morning, every morning actually. Today he’s wearing dark jeans, a snug black t-shirt that’s almost too small for his sizeable biceps, and scuffed work boots. His short, dark hair is
always perfect, though he most often covers it with a baseball hat sporting the company logo. I find myself noticing how good he looks more and more often, though I try not to. He’s been such a good friend to me, provided for me, and I don’t need to screw everything up by adding the complication of romantic feelings when he clearly feels sorry for me and is just trying to be nice.
“You ready to go?” he asks as he pours his coffee and mine into travel mugs he keeps next to the sink and tops them off. I nod and we head out for work.
When we get into town, he makes a left at the light and then a right instead of going straight like we usually do to get to the office. I’m confused, but assume he’s going the back way for some reason, until he blows right by the road that would take us to the office and puts his blinker on to get on the highway. “Where are we going?” I ask.
He glances at me, clearly distracted, then at the clock on the dash of the truck. “I have to run somewhere else real quick, figured you could just go with me. Anyone that calls the office can leave a message and the important people with jobs already in progress have mine and Jace’s cellphone numbers if there’s a problem. That okay?”
“Sure,” I answer, though I think it would be easier if I just stayed at the office. I don’t know where we’re going, and I’m not dressed for any kind of serious business meeting. Since people rarely come to our little office, I’m allowed to dress casually so jeans and tanks is my summer work wardrobe. This has worked well, considering they’re the things that fit my expanding stomach the best since I can leave the jeans unbuttoned, but now I feel out of place. I wish I could just ask where, exactly, we’re going, but that would be rude. He just told me it doesn’t matter and this is what he needs to do, so I’m stuck with it.
I distract myself by watching the trees fly by my window. Some of them are beginning to turn yellow, orange, and red, and I realize it won’t be long until it’s September. He turns off the highway to Front Street and when he finally stops winding around back streets we’re in front of a doctor’s office. “Are you sick?” I ask. “I had no idea. You seemed fine. Why didn’t you let me make you breakfast, Chance?”
He laughs at me, again. It seems like he’s always laughing at me. “I don’t have much need for an Obstetrician or Gynecologist, Alex. I’m missing a few necessary parts,” his eyes sparkle as he chuckles.
“What?” I look at the sign again.
Hillside
Women’s Health Services
“Oh.” It’s for me. He made an appointment for me. Relief washes over me. I’ve been so worried since I left Maryland that things weren’t going okay, but I don’t have the money to—Wait, Chance, I can’t pay for this. My insurance hasn’t even kicked in yet. I know I need to be seen, but I can’t afford this. I really appreciate what you’re doing, everything you’ve done, but since Travis took all the money I had I really don’t have even one cent to put towards a doctor bill until—” he cuts me off, placing his finger against my lips, and leans forward until I can’t avoid looking him in the eye.
“Travis took all of your money?” he whispers. His eyes are cloudy gray again and I wish I knew when to shut up, but I nod anyway. “Is that why you moved in with Bay and Mike?” he asks. I shrug and nod, because I can’t speak when he’s this close. I know he understands when he says “But there was more than that? He did more than take your money?” and I nod again.
He drops his hand to the seat between us where it balls up into a fist and he slowly sits back in his seat. He leans his head back against the headrest and closes his eyes, breathing slow and deep, but his fist gets tighter and tighter. I don’t know what to say so I just wait. I wish I had never said anything, but now that I have, I have to tell the truth. I promised I would.
His hand flattens out, his eyes open, and he sits back up and faces me again. “We’re going to talk about this, Alex. We’re going to talk about this tonight because I need to know what I’m really dealing with, what you’re dealing with. I thought he was just an overly jealous asshole, but this is more. I think it’s more, and I need to know how much more so I can decide how big of a threat he is to you. So we’re going to have to talk about it, because I can’t protect you if I don’t know what I’m really protecting you from. Tonight. I can’t give you more time with this. I’m sorry.” I don’t know why my eyes fill up with tears. Why my heart hurts and I can’t breathe. I’m not scared, I’m not mad. I’m not upset with him, I understand and he’s right, but I can’t stop the tears from welling up. “It’s okay,” I whisper as I try to pull in air that can’t find its way to my lungs.
“Don’t cry, Alex. I’m sorry. I just need the basics, okay? I wish I didn’t, but I do,” he says, clearly desperate to make me stop crying. I swipe at my eyes with the heels of my hands, just as desperate as he is to make it stop.
“No, it’s fine, I’ll tell you. That’s not why, I don’t know why I’m crying. It must be the hormones.” I try to laugh it off.
“Oh, thank god,” he says, “I thought I made you cry. I don’t ever want to make you cry, Alex. I’m not that kind of guy.” He smiles and it’s as though the sun is in the truck with us. I think I’d do anything to make him smile.
“We’re going in here though. We’ve got to get you and Cadan checked out, and I’m not worried about the money. I’ll pay for this. By your next appointment, your insurance should have kicked in. If it hasn’t, I’ll pay for that too.” He shakes his head and grabs my chin gently when I start to protest, so I can’t look away. “All the money in the world isn’t worth something happening to you or the baby because it wasn’t caught at an appointment. Money can always be made again, but you and that baby are one of a kind. I’ll pay whatever I need to pay to make sure you’re both okay.” I can see that he means it. The set of his jaw makes it clear that in this, he is immovable as the mountains around us.
“Thank you, Chance. I’ll pay you back, even if it takes the rest of my life. I don’t know how you can be so kind when he’s not even your baby, and I’ll never be able to make it up to you,” I say.
“Don’t ever say that to me again, Alex.” Chance’s jaw clenches tight and his eyes flash like lightening. “He’s a baby. He didn’t choose his father, he didn’t choose his circumstances, he didn’t choose any of this. He’s no less innocent or precious because he’s not mine.”
I’m stunned. He’s right of course, but I’d never had it put to me quite that way. I had fucked up Cadan’s life before it had even started. Then here comes Chance, and he’s trying so hard to save Cadan – from me. From the mess I’m going to make of my own son’s life if he doesn’t step in and give me a hand because I’m fucking hopeless. Who could blame him? I got knocked up by a drug addicted thief whose father is the police chief so I couldn’t even report him, and then I went and let him beat on me for a while thinking I could make him better before finally getting out. I can’t even take care of myself anymore. First Bay had to bail me out, now Chance. I don’t deserve to be a mother.
He climbs out of the truck, walks around to my side and opens the door. I try to keep my face normal. Cadan is kicking like crazy and it’s hard not to cry as we walk into the building and I check in for the appointment Chance made for me. When they ask for insurance and he answers “Cash” the guilt feels like a thousand bags of sand on my shoulders, pressing me into the floor.
Chapter Eight
The appointment goes well, despite my mood, and I really like my new doctor. She’s funny and kind, and didn’t yell at me too much for not seeing anyone for the last two and a half months. I got the impression Chance must have explained my circumstances on the phone when he made the appointment because they already knew that Chance wasn’t Cadan’s father, and that his father wasn’t going to be in the picture. The only surprising news is that she says I only have another two weeks until delivery and I thought I had over a month. She said my original due date must have been incorrect and that he actually could come anytime he wants now.
T
he terror of that possibility has caused my stomach to be in knots ever since. I don’t have anything I need. Not one diaper, no crib, no clothes, absolutely nothing for this child that I’m going to be bringing into this world. I don’t have my own place yet, and I can’t expect Chance to deal with a crying baby when he doesn’t have so much as a girlfriend. Those bags of sand that piled on my shoulders in the doctor’s office just keep getting friends until I feel like I can’t even lift my head anymore.
I think Chance must be shocked too, since he has a white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel and hasn’t said a word since he helped me into the truck. I almost wish I could just disappear and stop being such a burden to him, but I have no idea where I would go. I can’t go back to Maryland, I wouldn’t even know how to get back there at this point. And I don’t want to go back.
I know there’s nothing there for me now. Travis is a threat – to me, to Cadan, to everything I want for the rest of our lives. I enjoy my job and I enjoy living here. The mountains are breathtaking and calming to me. Looking out on the lake behind the house every morning when I wake up, and watching the moonlight shine off the water when I go to sleep, are the times I feel the most at peace. I don’t want to give it up, though I’m ashamed of how selfish that makes me.
We pull into the office and he assists me out of the truck, unlocks the office door for me, gathers up his stuff for the day, and leaves. All without saying one word. He’s never done that before and I know he must be really upset, that his good deed is going to leave him with an unwanted woman and a baby in his house.
Courage (Strength Series Book 1) Page 5