“When I found out I was pregnant I was so glad I had started hiding money. I was going to need it. There was no way I was going to raise a baby in that environment. So I bided my time and continued to hide it away in the desperate hope I would have enough to run when I got the chance; and that I would live long enough to get that chance. I had thought he would back off a bit when he found out I was having his baby, but he didn’t. His drug use increased exponentially from what I could tell, he cheated on me more blatantly than before, sometimes even bringing the girls home while I was at work and I’d have to kick them out when I got home.”
“I was so much a prisoner because I knew if I left at the wrong time he would make his father drag me back or force me back. Then, when I was about six months along with Cadan, Travis’ parents were going to be out of the country for a big anniversary trip. I figured this was my chance and was just starting to pack when he came home early. It was the worst beating he ever gave me.” I pause as my stomach clenches again. This time it’s harder and longer than the times before and it takes me a few seconds to catch my breath. Chance waits patiently and doesn’t push me at all.
“That night he left bruises everywhere, my back, legs, chest, arms, neck, face, and head. Everywhere except my stomach. I guess he was with it enough to not want murder charges and I think that’s what they consider it if you kill a fetus. The split lip and the rope burns hurt the most, but—”
“Wait, what? You had rope burns on your wrists? Why the fuck? He tied you up to beat you? While you were carrying his kid?” Chance’s voice is quiet but seething.
“Y-yes.” My chin drops to my chest, shamed that I hadn’t protected myself and Cadan better. But I promised the truth, and this is the truth.
“He wanted to make sure I wouldn’t leave, couldn’t leave, until he was finished with me. He said he was going to show me who I belonged to so I wouldn’t forget and when he was done I would never forget my place again. I was his property, he owned me. I don’t remember how long it went on for, I must have passed out at some point. When I woke up he was coming in the house, but I don’t remember him ever leaving, and I wasn’t tied up anymore.”
“I acted like I was still asleep and I listened as he found the money I had hidden away. He laughed when he found it. He knew, or at least thought, he really had me then. When he left I hauled myself up, called Bay to come get me, and I ran. She and Mike took a lot of heat from Travis and the other cops while they let me stay there, but since his parents weren’t due back until the week after I met you I was fairly safe for a little while. They would be bastards, but not to the degree of arresting me, Bay, or Mike. Not until Jim was back. I knew I had to get out of their house before he got back. I couldn’t let them get hurt for me. Really hurt, the kind of hurt that leaves marks or earns you a permanent record.”
“So, I called you because no one else would hire me in town. I was a virus, at least until I came to my senses and went back to Travis. That’s how they saw it. And I know it sounds messed up, but I can’t be mad at them. You shouldn’t be mad at them. It’s a tiny little town and he has all the power, he can hurt them so much. They all felt sorry for me, which in some ways is worse, but I know a small part of them all just wished he’d kill me already and get it over with so they wouldn’t have to look at me anymore. The rest of them liked having me around because when I was acting up like a child – I heard someone say that about me once in a grocery store, that I just needed to stop acting up like a spoiled child and he wouldn’t hurt me – he was leaving the rest of them alone.”
Chance’s eyes are dark and cloudy and it’s clear I haven’t made him understand yet. “Most of them didn’t know he had a drug problem, Chance. They thought I was difficult, they believed the things he said. That I was cheating on him and didn’t see how hard he was trying to make things work because he loved me so much. They didn’t understand. They couldn’t talk to me because he didn’t like me talking to anyone. Many of them rationalized that his jealousy, though perhaps a bit out of control, was justified because I had already cheated on him so many times. No one ever imagined that I had never cheated on him, that every bit of that story was a lie.”
Chance leans forward, “Look close, Alex, and make sure you’re listening.” His voice commands as well as his words. “You never did a thing wrong, and even if you had cheated on him, lied to him, whatever, it wouldn’t have given him or his family the right to do the things they did to you. And you don’t get to make excuses for all the people that have let you down in your life.”
“I know you’re used to being let down, I’ve seen that clear enough, but that doesn’t mean it’s the way it’s supposed to be, Alex. You’re responsible for how you react to the things people do and say to you, but from what I can see, you were backed into a corner before you ever met him, and it just kept getting smaller. He never had the right to touch you.”
He takes my hands, rubbing his thumbs over my wrists, and a shiver travels down my spine. His voice lowers until it’s just above a whisper, “I wish I could erase every mark he made. Take away every pain he ever caused you. I wish I knew the way to erase that trapped look from your eyes, Alex. I wish I knew how to help you.”
He looks deep into my eyes for a long moment, then shakes his head. “But the one wish I want the most is that the day will come when I ask you if you’ve done something, or if you want something, if you need something, without you apologizing for forgetting, for wanting, for needing. For being human. Of all the things I could kill that bastard for, it’s at the top of the list. He made you question who you are and that’s unforgivable.”
“I hope you’ll let me help you find yourself again, Alex, because I really want to be here the day you do.” He looks so sincere; I wish I could give him what he wants right this second. I’d do anything to take the anger from his eyes, but I don’t know how to answer him. I’m not even entirely sure what he means.
In the few weeks I’ve known him he’s become my lifeline, not just because I depend on him for the roof over my head and the food that nourishes Cadan and I, but also because he makes me laugh, he makes me smile. I miss him when he’s gone. I don’t just need to be here, I want to be here, with him. I don’t even look over my shoulder anymore.
It’s not because I’m miles and hours away from Travis and his family now, it’s because I feel safe here. I feel protected with Chance and Shadow in this little town, even when I’m alone in this big house. I don’t feel like I have to spend all of my time watching for threats. And maybe that’s foolish – letting my guard down. Maybe I’m just asking for trouble, but I can’t help it. I feel like I can close my eyes at night and not wait for the monsters to creep into my dreams. I know that’s because of Chance, I know that no matter how hard I try to repay him, I’ll never be able to give him everything he’s given me.
“Chance, I can’t even begin to explain how much you’ve done for me, but you already know. I still wish I could find a way to show you how much I appreciate it, how much it means to me. How much you mean to me. Of course, I hope you’ll keep being—” I gasp as my stomach balls up hard as a rock and pain rocks through me. I squeeze Chance’s hands and close my eyes against it as it takes my breath away.
He slides off the stool across from me, pulls one hand from mine, and I feel his arm around me. “Are you alright, Alex? What’s wrong? Is it the baby? What’s going on? Answer me, Alex!” His voice is panicky, but I can’t breathe, and I can’t answer. It feels like I’m being ripped apart from the inside. I feel his hand on my stomach, searching for the answers I can’t give.
“Alex, I need you to talk to me. How long have you been having contractions?” he asks.
What an odd question. I’m not having contractions. I’m being ripped the hell apart, something is destroying me from the inside out. Clearly, I ate something I shouldn’t have. If I was having contractions I would know. I believe contractions actually stop, but this is never ending pain, waves of it, and I can’t br
eathe anymore. I think I’m dying— and then it stops. Everything lets go. I’m panting for air, but the pain is gone. Thank God.
“I don’t know what that was. It’s been weird for a few hours I guess. Since I was out on the porch maybe, but it was just a little bit. It was mild. Like maybe Cadan was curling up in a ball over and over. Not like this.” It occurs to me that something must be wrong with Cadan.
“Chance! I think something’s wrong with Cadan! What do I do?” I jump up. He laughs as he pulls me close.
“Nothing’s wrong, Alex, you’re in labor. This is what happens.” He says and I shake my head.
“No. No. I’m not ready. I don’t have a place, I don’t have diapers, I don’t have a crib, I don’t have CLOTHES!” I walk away, to go to bed and pull the covers over my head like a child, because this just cannot happen right now, and my water breaks. I’m sure the look of shock on my face would be humorous in any other situation, but I fall to pieces, like a sandcastle under crashing waves.
“Please make it stop, Chance. I need another week. Just one more week and I’ll be ready for this, I promise. I’ll do anything if you’ll just make him wait one more—” the words die on my lips. I can do nothing but dig my fingers into his shoulders and try desperately to huddle myself into a smaller ball, make myself a smaller target for the arrows of pain slicing through my stomach. He holds me up, rubs my back, and whispers words in my ear that I can’t hear over the sound of my own blood roaring in my ears. When it stops, he’s still holding me up, still rubbing my back, still calm as can be. He tilts my head with a finger under my chin and looks into my eyes.
“We’re going to be fine.” He says steadily, “you’re going to be fine. We’ll get what you need, we’ll set you up here for now, there’s nothing to worry about. Cadan’s ready to meet his mom and you’re going to pull it together so we can go to the hospital and meet him. You hear me?” I nod, because I have no choice. “You’re not going to dwell on what you haven’t done, you’re going to have a baby, and I’m going to be right there with you, Alex. You’re not alone. Everything’s going to be fine.”
He sits me down while he gets everything I need, calls my doctor, then he helps me into the truck. As we pull out of the driveway the only thing I can remember is him saying “You’re not alone” and I repeat it like a mantra with every contraction. I’m not alone, I’m not alone, I’m not alone.
Chapter Nine
I wake up in a pink room I don’t recognize and am momentarily confused. When I try to sit up searing pain greets me and I am assailed with memories of the night before. Cadan. Where is he? I am searching for a call button when I hear voices outside of the room. Chance enters, followed by a nurse pushing a small, wheeled cart. There he is. My heart swells with a love so big I
never imagined it could exist.
Chance is carrying a take-out bag that smells like heaven on earth as he walks over to me and kisses my forehead. “Brought you lunch.” He says with a grin. Lunch?
“What time is it?” I ask.
He shrugs. “About two, I think. You had a pretty busy night so we thought we’d let you sleep. Cadan and I hung out in here with you for most of the night, but this morning he went to the nursery and I had to make some calls to find a temp for the office.” The nurse hands me Cadan and his warm little body fits perfectly in my arms. I had worried that it would be awkward, that I wouldn’t know how to hold him, but it seems we fit each other exactly.
“Then I got lunch and hunted down the little guy and we decided we’d come and wake up mommy, but it looks like we were too slow.” He stretches out a finger to Cadan, who promptly wraps his tiny little fist around it, and Chance’s grin is the biggest I’ve seen, he’s so enthralled with the baby. “He’s got a great grip, Alex. He’s gonna be a football star, maybe a baseball player, something amazing. He has to be with a grip like that,” he says and I laugh. I really laugh. It’s been so long and it feels good.
“Maybe he will,” I answer. “When do we get to go home?” I ask.
Chance laughs, “You went through hell last night, Alex. Don’t you want to take advantage of meal and baby delivery before you go running out the doors? I think the five hours of labor with no drugs would be enough to make any woman want to stay in bed for a month or two.”
I remember pain, excruciating, soul-searing pain. The nurses telling me I couldn’t have pain meds, that it was too late, and then it taking much longer than they had anticipated. The thing I recall most vividly though is Chance, right next to me, every second. Holding my hand, rubbing my back, counting off as I desperately pushed. When I said I couldn’t do it anymore, it was too hard, he said I had no choice, that my son needed me to keep going. That he knew I could do anything, I was the most amazing person he’d ever met, and he wasn’t going to let me give up. I remember staring into his unwavering gaze and feeling the pain lessen just enough. Just enough to keep going.
“I just want to take him home. I don’t like hospitals. I can’t relax in them.” I answer.
The nurse takes my vital signs and joins in against me, “I can understand that, honey, but once you get home a lot of women find that having a baby at home is overwhelming. They’re not going to let him go yet anyway,” she nods at Cadan, “and you wouldn’t want to leave him here all by himself, would you? Take the time you’re given, girl, and try to enjoy it the best you can. A year from now you’ll sell your soul for five minutes to yourself.” She pats my hand and leaves the room.
I look at Chance, who’s smiling like the cat that stole the cream. “Fine. I’m clearly outnumbered and I’m certainly not leaving Cadan here, but I’m making it clear I’m not happy about it. I want out of here.”
“Duly noted,” he nods seriously. He picks up the fast food bag from the table and sits it on the bed next to me, then takes Cadan from my arms. “Eat. I got you a turkey sub and fries. They’re supposed to be bringing you iced tea in a minute, since this morning you said it was the best you’d ever had. I’m pretty sure that was the exhaustion and pain talking, it’s hospital food you know, but I refuse to argue with a beautiful woman.”
I snatch the bag off the bed and dig in. I hadn’t realized how hungry I am. He got me my favorite things and I’m going to show him my deep appreciation by devouring every last bite.
The next two days pass in a blur. I spend my time learning Cadan’s different sounds and faces, watching bad daytime TV, and looking forward to visits from Chance. He’s working again, so he stops in for a few hours after work, but that’s the only time I see him. The nurse must have mentioned that I was becoming bitchy with boredom, because he brought me his tablet. It’s a little better now that I can read, play games, and whatever else I feel like doing but even that is becoming tiresome.
Cadan sleeps – a lot. I hadn’t realized babies slept so much and it gives me even less to do. Once I muttered aloud that if he’d wake up and cry at least I’d have something to do, and I thought the nurse on duty was going to birth a cow right there. Apparently, I should be much more careful with my wishes. Right now I’m just wishing to get the hell out of here. Cadan is amazing and I love looking at him, holding him, taking care of him, but I want to do it at home. With Chance. I want to take advantage of every moment I have left there.
Last night I mentioned to Chance that I get to go home soon and I was concerned about not having what Cadan needs. He told me not to worry about it, but I can’t help but worry. I’ve been researching all of the things babies need on the tablet and it’s such a daunting list. I knew it was, it’s not as if I’ve never figured it all out, but when I’m depending on a man to get it all, a man that doesn’t even have kids, well – concern is a mild word. And it makes me feel worse when I add it all up. If he does get everything, I’m never going to be able to pay it all back. Yeah, he said not to worry about it, but how can I not?
Cadan wakes up and wraps his little hand around my finger as I lean over to adjust his blanket and all thoughts of things still needed are
lost.
Chapter Ten
“Sign here, and here, and here – oh, and here,” the nurse directs me as she goes through the stack of papers she’s set on the bedside table. It’s break-out day, as Chance has been referring to it. I’m so nervous I can barely follow her instructions because my heart is pounding so hard. On the bright side, if anyone ever tries to verify my signature they’ll surely fail since my hand is shaking too hard for even me to read what I’ve written.
Chance isn’t here yet, but he called and said he’ll be here shortly and they’ve agreed to let Cadan and I wait here in the room until he arrives. Now I understand what they all meant when they said I would be overwhelmed. I haven’t even left yet and already I feel like I’m going to screw everything up. What if he gets sick? What if I don’t understand what his crying means? What if I don’t know that he’s sick and he gets really sick? What if I dress him wrong and he gets too hot? Or too cold? What if I ruin his life because I don’t know any better and he needs therapy for the rest of his life?
Chance walks in and stops my mental meltdown. He’s wearing the black t-shirt and jeans I love seeing him in the most and my heart skips a beat or two. He looks nervous and I notice he’s carrying a bag and a car seat. The most wonderful navy-blue car seat with little teddy bears all over it. It’s exactly like the one I was looking at a couple of days ago and I can’t believe he remembered it. “Oh my god! You got the teddy bear one,” I reach up to hug him as he comes over to the bed, “thank you, Chance. This is awesome.”
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