Courage (Strength Series Book 1)

by T. L. Nicholas

  I hand him over, mentally shaking myself for resisting. They’re right. I’m not strong enough yet and I need to accept their help while it’s available. I go into the living room, Sharon’s arm around my waist as she prattles on about the weather, work, the house, etcetera. I get myself settled in on the couch with a blanket, only then realizing she offered herself as a live crutch for me. Chance hands off Cadan as Sharon flips through channels on the television, asking me what I want to watch. We settle on a new detective show and I cuddle up with my boy as they leave the room.

  Chapter Nineteen

  It’s only been three days since I came home, but I’m already feeling stronger, though not quite back to my old self. Sharon and Martin are going home today and I’m really going to miss them. They’ve promised to come back soon and I’m looking forward to it. Sharon and I have more in common than I ever would have guessed, and it’s been great to have another woman to talk to.

  I am now strong enough to walk and hold Cadan at the same time, and I can stand up – even quickly – without falling over or feeling as if I’m going to. I’ve come quite a long way since leaving the hospital.

  The police have been by twice, but don’t really have anything to tell me. More so, they seem to want me to reveal some helpful piece of information that I don’t have. I don’t know what he was planning on doing with me, I don’t recall seeing him at all, except for when he was standing over me in the kitchen, and I have no idea why he didn’t bother with Cadan – though I’m more grateful than I can say that he didn’t. They informed me that they’re investigating his father, Jim, for corruption and abuse of power, among other things. I chose not to add to the charges, though I sensed they wanted me to give them something. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or not, the fact is I’m scared, so I plan to talk to Chance about it when I get the opportunity.

  Sharon walks in looking lovely in an ice blue cashmere sweater, black slacks, and heels. She leans down to hug me, and I’m surprised to see tears in her eyes. “You take care of yourself, girl, and that baby. I’m really going to miss ya’ll. I’ve gotten myself quite attached,” she says as she pulls away and smoothes her sweater over her hips.

  “I will. You take of yourself and be careful going home. I’m going to miss you too. This is the closest I’ve ever been to having family,” I answer as I stand to walk out with her.

  She stops and puts her hands on my shoulders, staring into my eyes with her icy blue ones, “Closest? You’re not close to it, hon, you’re in it – like it or not. You and that sweet baby boy are family now. Chance brought you home and we’ve decided we’re going to keep you,” she laughs.

  “But I don’t know—,”

  “Hush now. It doesn’t matter what you don’t know. I know enough for the both of us,” she says, winking at me. I have no idea what she means, but I don’t want to upset her talking about leaving so I nod and smile. We continue to the door and I watch them get in the truck. I wave and blow kisses as she does the same to me. Chance joins me in the doorway and wraps an arm around my shoulders as we watch them back out of the driveway. I try not to dwell on the feeling I’ve just lost something amazing, something I never thought I’d have, as the sound of the engine fades down the road.

  I’ve just laid Cadan down for the night and am headed to the kitchen for a drink when I hear Chance on the phone. I stop and turn around, not wanting to interrupt, when I hear “I miss you too, but I can’t leave her alone right now. We’re just going to have to reschedule, I’m sorry.” I can only assume that he’s talking to a woman and I’m intrigued so I keep listening like the terrible person I am. “I understand. If that’s what you need to do, go ahead, but I’m not going to leave her alone right now. She’s been through a lot and—” I hear the frustration in his voice as he cuts off, clearly interrupted. “Yes, she is handling it incredibly well, but I’m not leaving her alone, Misty. That’s it. I’m sorry if that upsets you, but it’s the way it is. I’ll talk to you later. That would be your choice. Okay then,” he sighs and I can see him lean his forehead on the fridge. “Well, all I can say is, I wish you well. Goodbye, Misty.” He hangs up and just stands there, head against the fridge, looking totally dejected. I bite the bullet and walk into the kitchen with him.

  “Hey. You alright?” I ask.

  He jerks away from the fridge and smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah, just have a headache and the cold metal feels good.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” I want to tell him that he should call her back, but I don’t want to be busted for eavesdropping. He opens the fridge and pulls out a pitcher of tea. “You want some?” he asks.

  “I would love some, thanks.” He looks tired. Why haven’t I noticed the circles under his eyes, the way his shoulders are stooped, before? “Is everything okay, Chance? I heard your side of that,” dammit, what did I just say? His head jerks up and I wish my stupid mouth would do what my brain says. “I didn’t mean to listen, but it sounded like I’m the reason this Misty person is upset with you, and that’s just not fair, Chance. You can leave me and Cadan alone. Are you afraid he’s coming back from the dead? We’ll be fine.”

  He smiles again, but this time it’s so full of sadness it breaks my heart, “It’s not you, it’s me. I should have been here. I should have taken better care of you.” He’s only inches away now, and he reaches up a hand to caress my cheek. I know I should back away, but I can’t move. “I should have realized how dangerous he was, should never have underestimated him. I should have been here. That’s the problem, Alex. I can’t leave you alone because when I try it feels like I’m suffocating. Just being in another room makes my heart pound so hard I think I’m going to have a panic attack.”

  “You could have died and I never would have seen you again. I’d never hear your laugh, smell your blackberry hair. Do you know how many times I smelled your shampoo while you were gone? I felt like five times an idiot doing it, but I needed to feel like you were still here. They kept saying you were dead and we needed to move on and file to keep Cadan. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give up. When I tried to imagine my life without you in it, it brought me to my knees, Alex. It would just hit me, that you weren’t coming back, and I would collapse where I stood. I begged God, the cops, everyone I could think of, to bring you back home to Cadan. To me.”

  “It’s not your fault, Chance. If you‘re going to blame yourself you have to let me blame myself. I should have paid attention, I should have been listening, and I shouldn’t have let my guard down. I shouldn’t have gotten Shadow shot, I—”

  “No! It’s not your fault, none of it was your fault.” His eyes are nearly black. I should be frightened, he seems on the edge of something, but I’m not. I want to make it better, I want to make him better. “Alex. I don’t know where you came from, not really. You were this sweet pregnant girl in a horrible situation that needed some help. I could help, so I helped. What I’m trying to say is, I don’t know how you ended up in my heart. You’re in there, and I can’t get you out.”

  He drops his forehead to mine and I force myself to breathe as my brain panics. What does any of that mean? What am I supposed to say? “Chance, I don’t know what-”

  “I know. You don’t have to feel the same about me. I don’t expect that. I just want you to know that I don’t want to go out with Misty, or anyone else. I can’t even think about it. It’s a relief that she said she’d have to find someone else to invest her time in. I don’t want to spend time with her, I just felt obligated because I promised her months ago that when she moved back here I’d take her out. That was before I met you. Before I knew I didn’t care about her the way she cares about me.”

  He takes a deep breath and pulls back a little. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to spring all of this on you. I just want you to be well and happy, Alex. If you are, I will be. I’m not trying to pressure you into anything.” He swipes a hand through his hair in an impatient gesture, “Dammit, I sent that straig
ht to hell, didn’t I?” he laughs. “I’m an idiot, Alex. I’m an exhausted idiot.” He says. He pushes my tea towards me, leans over and kisses my forehead, says, “Goodnight, Alex,” and leaves the room.

  I sit there, the tea next to me, until I hear his bedroom door close. Then I dump it out, no longer thirsty, and head for bed myself.

  Chapter Twenty

  The next three days are tense. It seems that Chance is walking on eggshells with me and I feel like I’m doing the same with him. Nothing more has been said about the incident of my eavesdropping. That’s how I think of it in my head. I don’t know what I was thinking bringing it up, and now I don’t know what to do about what he said. Was he just tired? Did he mean that he wants to be more than friends? If he does, do I want to? I know that Chance is a fantastic guy, but I don’t think I can trust my own judgment in this situation. I’m afraid he doesn’t care about me as much as he thinks he does and is actually just trying so hard to protect me he thinks he cares in a different way than he actually does.

  I don’t want to lose our friendship. If I start something with him – if that’s actually what he was trying to say he wanted – and everything goes wrong, I could lose everything I want for Cadan. I don’t think I can risk that. I wish Bay was around for me to talk to. I’ve tried calling her but her phones are disconnected. I hope she’s alright. She had to have heard about Travis and everything and I’m surprised she hasn’t contacted me.

  I hear Shadow barking and go to the front door to see what he’s barking at. There’s a red convertible in the driveway and a tall, thin, very well-dressed blond woman gets out. She’s not smiling as she comes up to me, though that could be because I’m wearing jeans, sneakers, and a sweatshirt with the collar cut out for comfort.

  “Can I help you?” I ask as I force myself to smile.

  She studies me as she continues to walk up to me, eyeing Shadow and me with her nose turned up, as though trying to avoid the stench of we who are beneath her. “I’m Misty Carter. I’m here for Chance.” Oh, man. This is going to suck.

  “Well, if you know Chance, you should know that he’s working now.” I say as sweetly as I can. It’s not very.

  “You misunderstand. I’m not here to talk to him, there’ll be plenty of time for that later. I’m here to tell you to move out and stay away from him.” She smiles and looks as fake as a Barbie. I’d bet she’s got about the same amount of plastic in her.

  “I’m sorry, but that would be between Chance and I, and having you come here, out of the blue, thinking you can tell me what to do isn’t going to change that.”

  “Oh, but I think it is,” Barbie the plastic says. “You see, I’ve invested a lot of time in that boy. I had to take off for a little while, for work, and when I come back he tells me to move on because some poor, slutty, manipulative bitch managed to weasel her way into his life and he has too much going on.”

  “Well, color me shocked. I thought you had class when you got out of the car. Clearly my mistake.” I smile. It’s almost genuine. Reminds me of being in high school, which I find amusing.

  “I gave him time to get you out of his system. Then I call back and he tells me his little whore nearly got herself killed. And that made me sad for you, that you’d failed at yet another thing. Couldn’t even get yourself killed properly.” Her smile is wicked.

  “Ouch. That really hurt me. A woman who doesn’t know me just called me a whore and wished me dead. However will I go on?”

  “Yet again he tells me to move on, that he needs to focus on the whore and her little rat. Imagine, Chance Morris giving up money and power for a skank like you. That’s not going to happen. He’s going to wake from this at some point, and you’ll be left high and dry like you always are. I’m trying to help you before you get your heart broken. Before you have nothing left again. He belongs with me. Someone who knows how to handle the power and prestige of his family name and wealth.”

  “And how do Sharon and Martin feel about your ideas?” I know I’ve hit her well when her lips curl into a sneer.

  “That woman is just jealous. She saw her husband looking at me and she attacked me over it. But that doesn’t matter, her husband wants me, her sons want me, and she can go to hell. Once I’m in she’ll have to deal with it.”

  “I don’t think you know her very well. I also don’t think Martin wanted anything to do with you. He’s too in love with Sharon. I think you threw yourself at Chance’s father and they didn’t tell him because things weren’t serious enough to bother with it. But they will if they need to, I’m sure.” I’m just guessing. I’ve met women like her before and she seems the type.

  “You shut the fuck up, you filthy little whore. You know nothing. You don’t know what I’m capable of. I will get you out, one way or another. Sharon won’t have a choice. I’ll have him wrapped around my finger so tight she’ll never get him loose.” She starts to walk back to her car, then stops and turns back, her plastic hair not budging in the light wind.

  “You think about what I said. If you’re as smart as he thinks you are, you’ll go because you’ll want him to be happy. Because you don’t want him to be followed by the stigma of being with a broken, used up whore and taking responsibility for her bastard rat. You’ll set him free to be with someone on his level.”

  I don’t have time to respond before she takes off. Shadow presses his head into my side. I’m not a whore. I am broken, I am poor, and I am not what he needs. I don’t think she is either, clearly, but I can’t deny that some of what Barbie said is true. It’s time for me to go, he’ll have to dodge the Barbie bullet on his own – if he wishes too.

  I come in the house and immediately search the newspaper for appropriate rentals. One is right on Main Street, within walking distance of work and Cadan’s doctor, as well as the grocery store and pharmacy. This is clearly a good fit for me until I can save enough money to get my license and a vehicle. When I call, the people are very nice and have no problem with me having a child. They agree to reduce the rent by one hundred dollars a month for the first six months if I like the apartment.

  They recognize my name from the papers, which is a little off-putting at first, but they’re very kind and only hope that I am doing well. Before I hang up I make an appointment for tomorrow after work to look at it, but I’m going to have to tell Chance I’m moving out tonight, and I’m not looking forward to that.

  I decide to make his favorite dinner, pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans. I start dinner early, to have something to do with my hands while Cadan is napping. Shadow curls up in front of the sink, making me laugh every time I have to do something near it and am forced to lean over him awkwardly, so as not to step on his bulky form.

  When Cadan wakes up, I get him changed and change his clothes, then bring him down to sit in his bouncy chair in the kitchen. He plays and giggles at the toys on the front of it, laughing even harder when I make faces and play peek-a-boo with a potholder. Shadow moves over to lie next to his chair on the floor in the doorway. Cadan laughs hysterically when he manages to get a fistful of long white fur. I make him release his grip and show him how to pet, but as soon as I let go he grabs another fistful. Chance walks through the door just as Shadow licks Cadan’s nose and he erupts in baby belly laughs.

  Chance chuckles as he hangs up his coat and walks over to Cadan, picking up his hand for a baby high-five. “What’s up, little man?” he asks, as he pets Shadow with his other hand. His face is red from the cold, and I realize the temperature must really be dropping outside.

  He looks up at me and my heart breaks. I don’t want to leave. I have to leave.

  “Something smells amazing, Alex,” he says and I smile.

  “It’s your favorite.” I answer.

  “Everything you cook is my favorite. You have serious kitchen talent, Miss Bowers,” he turns his gaze back to Cadan, “You don’t know how lucky you are yet, little man, but you’re a lucky little guy. You’re going to be the best fed kid in New York w
hen you get some teeth.”

  Cadan gurgles as drool slides down his chin, and I can’t help but laugh. I’m going to miss this so much.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I had planned to tell Chance at dinner, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was so nice just sitting there, like we usually do now, eating, talking, and laughing at Cadan’s antics as he coos and gurgles. Chance talked about work, he always fills me in, and I told him about my day – minus Misty. I make no mention of her at all.

  I want to tell him, but then he’ll think I’m moving because of her, and while she had some good points in her hateful tirade, the things she said weren’t anything I hadn’t already thought myself. I think it’s best to leave it out.

  After dinner, I bathe Cadan and get him in bed while Chance calls Jace and then makes some business calls.

  I get him settled and go into the living room where I find Chance sitting on the couch, staring into space. The TV is off, there’s no music, he has nothing he’s reading, he’s just staring into the empty fireplace. I’ve never seen him like this.

  “Is everything okay, Chance?” I ask, stopping just inside the doorway. I don’t want to intrude if he wants to be left alone.

  He shakes his head, pulling himself back to the present, and looks at me. “Can you just tell me why?” he asks and he looks so sad. I haven’t seen him this sad since I was in the hospital.

  “Why what? What happened?” I ask.

  “Why are you leaving? Why didn’t you tell me? Why don’t you want to be here? Pick one. I thought we had a pretty good thing here.” He leans forward, braces his elbows on his knees, and holds his head in his hands.

  Fuck. This isn’t at all how I wanted this to go down. “I’m leaving because I don’t think staying here is fair to you. I was planning to tell you at dinner, but we were having such a good time I couldn’t spoil it, so I was coming down to tell you now. It’s not about not wanting to be here. In fact, what I want isn’t a factor at all. I have to do what’s best, for everyone. How did you find out?” I ask, deciding I just have to be as honest as I can.