He curls up in a ball, laughing hysterically, and I don’t know whether to be offended or laugh with him. It’s incredibly hard not to laugh with him, his laugh is so infectious, but I don’t know what I said that was funny.
I rip the pillow out from behind him and smack him in the head with it. He looks shocked for a second before he grabs another pillow and smacks me with it. I see it coming so he only gets a glancing blow off my shoulder. We laugh like idiots as we beat each other up with pillows. I get up on my knees for better leverage, and as my pillow bounces off his shoulder he gets a strong hit on my shoulder and knocks me off balance. I land face up on the bed, then he’s above me, and he’s not laughing anymore. His elbows are on either side of my head, his face inches from mine, eyes glinting in the moonlight from the window, and I’m not laughing anymore either.
“What was so funny?” I manage to squeak out.
“You think my parents will be disappointed. They’re going to be thrilled that I finally managed to tell you and, as my mother puts it, that I finally pulled my head out of my ass. They loved you, you know that, and she knew I was in love with you before I did. That’s why she worked so hard to help me find you, because she was afraid I’d never get up again if we didn’t.”
“Well, that situation kind of put her in an awkward position, didn’t it? Whether she liked me or not, she needed to help because you wanted her to find me. She was taking care of Cadan too, let’s not forget. Maybe she felt obligated.”
“To a certain extent, possibly, but my mother tells it like it is. She knew that you were mine, as far as I was concerned. She promised me we’d find you, and we did. After you came home and she got to meet you I knew immediately she approved. She’s met several of my girlfriends in the past and not one of them has she hugged or called family. She loves you, Alex. And not because you’re broken, but because you keep going, and you keep holding your head up in spite of it. Because you’re proud and beautiful, funny and smart. She said you remind her of herself.”
I’m shocked. He has to be lying, but looking into his eyes above me, I don’t think he is. I think she really said those things and I’m floored at the possibility. “I’m nothing like her. She’s tall and graceful. She has class and I don’t. She’s fancy museum openings and I’m trailer trash without the trailer.”
“You are not trailer trash. Why would you even say that? What you are is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life and I don’t want to hear you talk about yourself that way.”
Anything I would say in response would sound like I’m putting myself down, so I say nothing. He’s just staring at me, his eyes like thunder clouds about to rain down on me. When he leans in close, it’s not even a question of whether or not I’ll kiss him back this time. I meet him halfway and pour every ounce of love I’m feeling into him when our lips meet.
He shifts onto one arm and pulls back slightly, brushing my hair behind my ear and whispers, “I can’t even begin to tell you how long I’ve waited for this. You’re so beautiful, absolutely perfect for me. You know that? Stay with me tonight, Alex.”
My breath catches in my throat and the only answer I can give is to push myself up into him, catching his lips with mine. This is where I belong. The knot in my stomach unfurls as I open my heart and warmth rushes in. His hands are everywhere as he meets me, stroke for stroke. Hands, mouth, he’s everywhere I need him to be and places I didn’t even know I wanted him to be.
Who knew that calloused fingers grazing lightly over my ankle could make me tremble? That those same fingers, gliding along my rib cage, could make me groan so deep, I don’t recognize my own voice? I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can only meet and match him. When he tugs at the bottom of my shirt, I lift my arms and rise up enough for him to pull it over my head.
He flings it away and lowers himself back down to me and the feel of his skin against mine is like coming home. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? How much I’ve thought of this, of touching you? Watching your eyes while I send you over the edge?” he asks in a husky whisper. I couldn’t answer him now if my life depended on it.
Unable to restrain myself when he lowers his head to my breast, I bite his shoulder. I quickly stop myself, and turn my face into the pillow instead, not wanting to hurt him. He moves his lips across my rib cage, my stomach, my sides. I dig my nails into him, hard, and he moans my name. My hands slam down on the bed next to me, as I grip the sheet to keep the room from spinning, but he pulls my arms back up around him. I dig into his strong shoulders helplessly again, as he pushes my panties aside and finds me wet and ready. The shocking pleasure of his tongue and breath on me has me lurching up onto my elbows as I grind myself against him.
In record time, I’m pushed violently over the edge by his hands and mouth and he’s there to catch me when I fall back to earth. I must be delirious; it’s never in my life been this incredible. I didn’t even know it could be like this. I lay there, eyes closed tight to stop the room from spinning, embarrassed at the sounds I’ve made and the things I said in my head and out loud.
He brings my hands up to his chest as he kneels above me and pulls me up onto his lap. I wrap my legs around him and the feel of him hard against me is nearly enough to send me flying again. He moans, low and long, as he rocks against me. Embarrassment forgotten, I grind myself against him, struggling to get him inside of me, where I desperately need him to be. He grips my ass hard to stop me, expertly pulling my panties to the side at the same time. He holds me there, a frantic prisoner to him, as he slides himself viciously back and forth against me. I strain every muscle in my body in an attempt to force him inside, but I fail. The onslaught of sensation builds and builds until I know I’m drawing blood on his back, and I can’t stop.
“Come on, Baby. Don’t fight it.” He whispers and my response is lost in a moan as the world explodes around me. Still he doesn’t stop, just rubs against me faster and harder as my moan stretches into a low keening.
Just when I’m sure I can’t take anymore, he lifts me, reaches between us, and slams himself into me. I nearly scream as he fills me. What little control I had left is gone as I meet his every stroke. His lips are against my ear as he moans, “God, yes, Alex. You’re fucking perfect. Come again for me, Baby.”
I’m in a daze, overwhelmed with pleasure, and can only hold on now. He is ruthless, pounding into me harder and harder, his hands still gripping my ass as he takes over the movements I’m no longer able to make myself. A scream rips from my throat as I shatter into a million little pieces. Again, he’s relentless, until I’m biting into his shoulder to stop my screaming, but am unable to stop the tiny whimpering sounds I make with every thrust. Pleasure continues to build in me again and before I know it, I’m blinded by euphoria as I fly over the edge again.
I open my eyes slowly and realize I’m lying on the bed, on my back, and he’s next to me, though I don’t remember falling. I turn my head and his silver eyes are filled with concern as we both struggle to regain our breath.
“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” He’s all but panting the words out. “I’m sorry, I got a little carried away I think. I thought you were enjoying yourself. You were enjoying yourself, weren’t you?” He’s so sexy when he babbles.
“Oh my God, Chance. I never knew anything could feel like that.” The words just come out, completely unbidden, and I’m mortified that I actually said them aloud.
He looks up at the ceiling and laughs, then says, “You ain’t seen nothing yet, Baby. I’m just getting started.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cadan is playing in his crib. I hear him on the monitor, but I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to let go of last night just yet. I run my arm over to the other side of the bed and feel the empty space at the same moment I hear Chance’s voice over the monitor, “Hey there, little man. You and Mr. Panda are coming with me so we can let your mama sleep, okay? She had a long night and she needs her rest. We’re going to have a m
an’s morning.” I hear Cadan cooing and gurgling in response, then a small giggle before the monitor clicks off.
I stretch and roll over to hug his pillow. It smells like him, and I miss him being next to me. I’m the luckiest girl in the world. It’s clear now, I’ve won the relationship lottery.
I’m shocked at how much my life has changed. It’s nearly Thanksgiving, and just a few months ago I was pregnant and trying to hide from Travis. Chance took me in, took care of me, and somehow managed to fall in love with me. I hope I can make him as happy as he deserves to be.
I consider staying in bed, the way he clearly intended for me to do, but I miss my men. I get up, find my clothes, and blush when I realize my panties are no longer wearable. They’re fit only for the garbage now, but it was worth every second. I would let him destroy every pair I own if he made me feel like that every time we were together.
In the bathroom attached to his room, I relive every moment of last night while I shower. I’ve never felt so loved, so revered, by anyone. It’s a heady thing, and I believe I may be a little drunk on love and satiation.
I don’t want to put on the same clothes from last night, and I’m still fairly limited in the things I own that fit me, so the outfit I want is in the dryer. Now that our relationship has changed, I feel comfortable walking downstairs in a towel to get my clothes.
Lost in my own happy thoughts, the voices don’t register until I’m standing in the kitchen, in a towel, with Chance, Cadan, Jace, Sharon, and Martin. Was that me that screamed? Oh shit.
Sharon throws her head back and laughs, Martin chuckles, Jace looks at the floor, and Chance is grinning like a fool. Sadly, I seem to be rooted to the floor. I feel the flush climbing my body and I’m becoming more humiliated by the second, but I cannot make my feet move or the floor open up and swallow me. I manage to find my voice, but it comes out an unintelligible squeak. I must be the color of a stop sign by now.
Sharon grins, eyes sparkling, and says, “Well, good morning, Sweetie! Looks like you’re pretty happy this fine, fine day.” And she winks. She didn’t wink, she couldn’t have. I think she did.
“I-I-I- I didn’t know any of you were here. I’m so sorry.” I get the words out, and I run. I’m not even mildly graceful about it, and their laughter follows me up the stairs.
I’m sitting on my bed, trying to get up the nerve to go back downstairs. I’d much rather hide here until I’m old and gray. His mother and father saw me in a towel. And his brother. It wasn’t even the bath sheet kind, it was a tiny towel that barely covered me at all. I bury my face in my hands and moan. That was certainly not my best moment, and I just reinforced the whole trailer trash thing, whether Chance would agree with me or not. How could I not hear them talking? What kind of moron gets so lost in their own thoughts they don’t even hear people talking?
There’s a light knock on the door and Sharon opens it and peeks her head in, “You gonna hide up here all day, hon?” She smiles and I just feel worse. I didn’t even know it was possible, but it clearly is.
“I was considering it.” I say as I feel the embarrassment creep along my cheeks again. She giggles. “I’m so sorry, Sharon. I didn’t know you guys were here. When I woke up it was just us and my clothes were in the dryer and I wasn’t thinking clearly— “
“I should certainly hope you weren’t. If you were, I’d have to have a talk with Chance about the proper way to treat a woman, and I don’t want to have to deal with that. I could if I wanted, and it might even be fun for me to watch him squirm, but I don’t think he’d enjoy it much.” I feel my eyes widen in surprise and she laughs again. “I’ve shocked you? Well, that’s my fun for the day. Listen, he’s a man, and quite a handsome one if I do say so myself, and you’re a beautiful woman. More than that, he’s taken with you, has been taken with you since just after you met if I’m to trust my instincts at all – and I assure you I do.”
She walks over to me and sits on the bed next to me. “I know it has to be a kind of whirlwind for you, with everything that’s happened, but he’s a good man. He’ll take care of you, and it’ll break his heart if you don’t let him. I know you thought we wouldn’t approve, but I promise you it’s just the opposite. We couldn’t be happier. You’re a sweet, kind, and loving woman, whatever your circumstances have been. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for my sons. You’re the answer to a foolish old woman’s prayers, and I’m so glad you’ve decided to give it a go. He won’t disappoint you.”
“I’m not worried about him disappointing me, he couldn’t. I’m worried about me letting him down. He doesn’t deserve all the baggage I have, he doesn’t deserve someone as shattered as I have been. As broken as I still am. He deserves someone who can hold her head up proudly knowing she’s never done anything to be ashamed of, that she’s always done the right thing, that she’s worthy. He doesn’t deserve someone who is – by definition – less. None of you do.”
“I think my wanting to stay, choosing to stay is yet another failure I can add to my belt. I love him, but I fail at loving him enough to protect him from me. I don’t want him to hate me in the end. Any of you.” I clamp my mouth shut and throw my hand over it to keep it shut. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just told his mother this? His mother? I have lost my damned mind, that’s what happened. I hope they’ll still rent me the apartment in town.
She’s just looking at me, with an oddly compassionate look on her face, then she takes my hand and sighs. “Honey, there isn’t a person on this earth who hasn’t made a mistake. If they say so, I say they’re either a liar or the most boring human on the face of this great earth. We’re all broken, Alex.”
“In my experience, and I’ve had far more than I care to relive, there are three types of people in this world. There are those that wallow in every splintered piece of themselves, and take no responsibility for anything that happens to them. Those people wait for everyone else to pick them up and dust them off. I call those people Wallowers, and they are the people who manipulate others with their pain, and are kicked by the second type of person.”
“The second type of person takes all their broken bits inside and locks them away where they fester and infect them with viciousness and hate. Those people are the Bullies of the world, and as they pick on all of the Wallowers, they make themselves feel better and stronger by laying others low.”
“Then, there are the third kind of broken people, people like you, and I hope, people like me. Those of us that accept our flaws and resign ourselves to learn and do better. Those of us that take the broken bits and release them into the wind, stepping out into the sun lighter and wiser. I call us the Courageous, because we are the ones who fight through the terror. We are the people who lift our heads and get on with it, the ones that just keep getting back up and dusting ourselves off. We don’t hide, and we don’t lie about what we’ve done or what’s been done to us. We acknowledge our fears and help others when we can. We don’t want to hurt anyone the way we’ve been hurt, but we won’t drown in our sorrows or let others use us that way again either. We learn from our mistakes.”
“We’re not perfect, no one is. We’re hard-headed and difficult at times. We take on blame for things that were never our fault, and we try to protect people we have no right to protect. From things they don’t need protection from.”
For some reason there are tears streaming down my face, and when I look at her I realize she’s crying too. “You’re never going to hurt him, Alex. If you do, it will be an accident, and I promise we’ll all forgive you. You’re the best kind of person and you deserve him every bit as much he deserves you. We don’t care about money or blood, we care about people, and we care about you.”
It feels as though the weight of everything that’s happened to me since my mother left thirteen years ago is lifted as she wraps me in her arms.
We head back to the kitchen, and there’s a lightness to my steps I don’t think I’ve ever felt before, and if I have I don’t remember it. She’s mad
e me feel like a good person, and I’ve never felt that way before. I see now that I’m not the things that have been done to me, or even the things I’ve done. I’m the person I’ve become because of those things and I think I like who I am. I can do this. I really can. I’m excited to move on with my life and see where all of this with Chance goes.
When we walk down the hall towards the kitchen, everyone is looking to the side we can’t see, and Chance glances over with a concerned look on his face. The wide smile on my face fades, and I speed my steps. “What’s wrong?” I ask and I hear my question echoed by his mother next to me as she keeps pace.
“There’s someone here to see you,” he says and my heart pounds as I turn the corner. When I see her, I can’t quite believe what I’m seeing. Her blonde hair is short and cropped, almost pixie-ish, and she’s incredibly thin. She always was thin, but she must have lost at least twenty pounds. She sways on her feet and Jace jumps up and grabs her around the waist to steady her.
I hear myself gasp, this can’t be right. I rush to her and take her hands in mine, and they’re cold, so cold. I rub them together, searching her eyes. Her face crumbles as she dissolves into tears and collapses against me. Jace lets her go as I take her miniscule weight, but he remains close. I hold her tight, rubbing my hand over her spiky hair. I murmur to her, but I don’t think anything I say is making sense and she’s sobbing as if her entire world has collapsed.
I hear Chance and Martin take Cadan out of the room, but Jace and Sharon stay with us. Sharon pulls her out of my arms and over to a stool, Jace never more than arm’s length from her. I kneel in front of her on the floor, and take her hands again.
“Bayleigh? What happened, sweetie?”
She looks up at me and I know that had I walked past her in town I would never have recognized her. This is the worst I’ve ever seen her look. I’m not sure Travis ever even looked this ragged.
Courage (Strength Series Book 1) Page 14