by Diana Currie
I scoff. "What next guy? There's no one in this town who hasn't known me since we were in diapers. And Adam is my friend now. It's not a nine year relationship like yours but I still wouldn't want to ruin it by confessing to him about my crush."
Rebecca smiles. "Crush, huh? The way you were swooning over him when he first got to town I would have thought you were halfway in love with him already. Are you really going to let him get away?"
"Becca, the very idea of Adam and me together makes my palms sweat. I have butterflies permanently living in my stomach cavity. And I feel crazed with jealousy whenever another woman shows interest in him. Which has happened three times already." Samantha, Nurse Kim, and Kelly. Four if you count Mrs. Coleman, which I should because of her comment about his fantastic ass.
I sigh. "There's a pretty young woman staying at the B&B this week. She has a daughter and mentioned a recent ex-boyfriend back home but I've seen the way she looks at Adam. It's the same way every woman looks at him. I can't help feeling ridiculously jealous that they likely ate dinner together at the B&B tonight. You're right that I don't want him dating anyone else," I say; my mind starting to wander and I don't like where it is going.
"And has Adam shown interest in her too?" Rebecca asks intrigued.
"Not really. He's been polite and friendly, but hasn't made a particular effort to talk to her like he has with me."
Rebecca quirks her eyebrow at me and smiles. Then the light bulb in my mind brightens from a low glow to a blinding shine as I realize what I've said. If I am completely honest with myself then I have to admit that I have felt a few times like Adam was staring at me just a little too long, or was maybe a little too excited to see me in the morning. Too interested in my dull, completely average life. No man likes helping a woman with housework and he's made an obvious attempt to get my kids to like him...
Oh shit.
Ooooh shit.
"I have no idea what I'm doing. Adam is so sweet, and handsome, and fun, but I've never dated anyone but Tommy," I whine.
"And even at sixteen you were never this giddy over Tommy Miller," she points out.
Yeah, I'd noticed that too. "Say you're right and he does have feelings for me... what on Earth would I tell Tyler and Gabby?" I whisper.
Rebecca gazes at me, her expression full of sympathy. She understand how much I love my children and how I hate what my selfishness has done to the family. "You tell them he's your friend, Mandy. And if or when it becomes something serious you tell them the truth."
My mind drifts back to the B&B and I wonder what's happening there right now. I can picture Leila sound asleep in the blue room. What if Kelly finds Adam sitting by the fire with his glass of wine? Out of pure politeness he would undoubtedly invite her to join him. I know how much he hates being there alone. Could she resist his charms? Would she even want to? The idea of her sitting with him in front of the fire, enjoying his company the way I've become so accustomed to doing lately makes me practically lose my mind.
"Kelly and Adam are together there right now. What if something happens between them? I've been trying so hard to show disinterest; to hide my true feelings," I trail off lost in my own thoughts.
Rebecca looks at me with a knowing smirk. "You're ditching me to go check on your guests, aren't you?"
She knows me too well. "I'm so sorry," I try to say.
Becca puts her hand up to stop me. "It's okay. You go do what you gotta do. If Eric was hanging out with another pretty girl right now I'd be just as frazzled."
I thank her for understanding over and over while fumbling with my wallet. I leave enough money to cover my half of the check and a good tip and then race back to the B&B. All appears quiet when I pull up outside. It is eleven o'clock after all. Opening the front door I find the downstairs rooms are all dark. No lights are on except the bulb over the stove in the ventilation hood. I'm relieved not to find Adam and Kelly cozying up in the wingback chairs. Tiptoeing down the hall I see the door to Kelly and Leila's room closed. I can hear the soft sounds of the television through the wall. I'm too nervous to go upstairs and spy on Adam but can hear no sounds coming from the second floor.
I think about leaving; turning around and driving back to the bar. But Rebecca has probably left by now. And Dad isn't expecting me home for another hour so I decide to stay. I take the B&B log book to the kitchen table and start going over my bookings and receipts. As twisted as it is, I feel comforted sitting here in the dark kitchen knowing that directly above me Adam is sleeping peacefully.
The accounting for the Bed & Breakfast is rather simple. I need to tally up the income for each month and keep a record of all the money I spend paying bills and buying groceries. All those figures are written down so I can add up total revenue and total expense for the month. With any luck, I'll come out with a positive number at the bottom of the page.
With the light provided from the oven hood I diligently tally up all my receipts from June. So far it's looking like a lucrative month thanks to Adam's extended stay and the fishermen. I'm focused punching numbers into the calculator when I hear a noise behind me. It isn't until the refrigerator door opens and the light from inside blinds me that I realize someone else is in the kitchen. My hand flies up to cover my eyes and I gasp in surprise. A rough male voice sounds equally surprised to find me there.
"Amanda?" Adam asks. He clears his throat and shuts the refrigerator door. "What are you doing here?"
My eyes quickly adjust to the changing light and I can see him standing there now, next to the refrigerator with a clear drinking glass in his hand. Adam's hair is wild and tangled from sleep. He's wearing lounge pants and nothing else. My eyes fall to his bare feet and slowly rake over his body from the floor upwards, pausing over his beautifully toned chest a little too long.
"What are you doing here?" he repeats, disoriented from having just woken up.
"I'm sorry to surprise you. Rebecca and I went to Sarah's tonight. I just stopped by to go over the books," I reply in a quiet voice. Even to me my explanation sounds weak.
"What time is it?" Adam rubs one hand over his face in an attempt to wipe away the sleepiness.
"After eleven. Did I wake you?"
"No. I came down for some water," he says.
I nod and grin. "I see that."
He opens his eyes more fully and notices me staring at his chest. I can't help myself, everything Rebecca and I talked about at the bar earlier is still fresh in my mind. The margarita I drank isn't helping either. I want him, there's no denying it now. My heart rate suddenly doubles.
He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, appearing to be uncomfortable under my gaze. "I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting anyone to be down here," he murmurs quietly.
I'm so embarrassed to be caught ogling him. It's made him feel self conscious about his attire. "No. I should be the one who's sorry. I'm worse than Kim the slutty nurse," I mutter tearing my eyes from his body.
He doesn't respond and I take that as a sign that it's time for me to leave. The kitchen might be a communal room of the house but finding Adam half asleep and half naked makes me feel the same as if I’d walked into his bedroom unannounced. I reach across the table to gather my scattered paperwork and pull it up against my chest. The calculator gets caught up in the mix and slips out of my grasp. It drops to the floor with a clatter.
"Shit," I curse under my breath.
I'm upset about far more than a five dollar calculator but Adam misunderstands my reaction.
He doubles over to pick it up and my eyes immediately shift to watch the muscles in his back stretch out as he bends. The lounge pants are low on his hips but cover just enough to keep him decent. Drat.
"Thank you," I reply as he offers me the fallen calculator.
When I take it from his hands our fingers touch. It's a simple, innocent brush of his fingers against mine but it ignites something deep inside me. I notice my hands are shaking. Apparently so does Adam because he reaches out, placing his large wa
rm hand over mine. He's standing so close, so shirtless. It's dark in the room but for the oven light, the ambiance resembling candlelight. I can't breathe.
"Amanda," he whispers and it sounds like a prayer.
The sound of my name on his lips is the sexiest thing I've ever heard. His hand tightens around mine as I slowly raise my head to look into his eyes. I see hunger in his expression. Longing.
"Would it be entirely inappropriate if I kissed you right now?" he asks so softly I barely hear his words. But my eyes are staring at his lips and I know what I heard was correct.
I think of my kids. Tyler and Gabby and all the reasons why I said I didn't want to have feelings for Adam Brickman, or any man for that matter. I've learned in the past few years that some things in life are beyond our control. I didn't want to fall out of love with my husband, but despite my best efforts it happened anyway. I don't want to be standing here, gazing up at Adam's beautiful face wishing for him to kiss me but here I am, totally immobilized with fear and need and desire.
"Yes. But do it anyway," I whisper. He groans softly as we stare into one another’s eyes and it makes me think he's trying to resist the urge to kiss me as much as I'm trying to resist the urge to let him.
My brain's seriously been on the fritz since he touched me. In truth, it's been malfunctioning since the night I first laid eyes on this man. I literally can't help myself; his power over me is too great. We both lose our battle of wills and suddenly his hands are on my hips. He pulls me swiftly towards him and our lips crash together. His kiss is soft, passionate. My lips part and he responds by sucking my lower lip between his. Adam's kiss is different, unfamiliar, and the most thrilling sensation I've ever experienced.
I've only ever kissed two men in my lifetime. Tommy and Brett. Tommy's kisses were wet and sloppy. I didn't know there was any other way until Brett attacked me with his body that first night after my separation. His hands and lips were all about lust. He wanted to take me and I'd wanted to be taken. His kisses were firm and calculated. But Adam? Adam kisses me like I'm made of candy. Like I'm the sweetest thing he's ever tasted. And his hands grip my hips like he's afraid I'll slip away if he doesn't hold on tight. He's right to feel that way.
I kiss him back with all the pent up emotion that's been bubbling up for weeks. And then I let my hands settle on his bare chest. His skin is warm and firm. My fingers twist in the fine hairs and I freeze. This kiss is escalating quickly and I panic. I can feel him; his heart beating wildly, an erection beginning to stir under the thin fabric of his lounge pants. My fear surges back up through my limbs and I feel myself pushing away from his embrace. I bite my kiss swollen lower lip and gaze shyly into his eyes. They're on fire at first and I see the excitement slip away as his brain registers my rejection.
"I'm sorry," he says in a low gruff voice. "I shouldn't have gotten carried away."
"Don't be sorry," I plead stepping back for some much needed space between us.
Adam's hands fall away from my sides. "I just can't stop thinking about you."
The words thrill me and scare the crap out of me at the same time. I want this so much, wished for it, but never expected him to feel the same way I do. Deep down I know I'm not ready. I need to think about what's best for my family, and making out with a half naked Adam Brickman is not it.
"I should go. Before I break any more rules," I say grimly. There's nothing I want more than to stay here and kiss Adam again, but I am terrified of what would happen if I stay.
"What rules?" Adam asks alarmed. "Does Mr. Thatcher have rules against dating guests?"
I smile shyly shaking my head. It doesn't escape my attention that he said dating not just kissing. "No, they aren't Mr. Thatcher's rules. They're mine. I promised myself I would avoid situations like this. Other men, I mean, until my divorce is finalized."
Adam's expression perks up a little. He doesn't hear me saying no, he's hearing not yet. "I understand."
"I promised myself time. For things to get easier with Tommy and the kids," I explain.
Adam's hand comes up to my face as he lightly brushes the back of his fingertips across my cheek. I swoon internally but keep a straight face. "Take all the time you need, Amanda," he coos. "But know that I won’t be able to forget how good you smell, or how your lips feel against mine."
Is this guy for real? Tommy never once said anything so cheesy, so... so incredibly sexy to me in all the years we were together.
"I'm so confused," I admit. "I should go."
I start to turn away and he catches my wrist in his hand. "Wait, before you run away from me again," he whispers pulling my body against his and burying his face in the crook of my neck. I'm stiff head to toe as Adam deliberately inhales deeply through his nose and kisses me once behind my ear, practically suckling the sensitive skin.
When he pulls away I'm speechless. "Good night, Amanda."
I mumble something unintelligible as Adam straightens my papers up in a pile and hands them to me. I walk to the door and pause to look over my shoulder. He's standing where I left him, glorious and bright eyed. He gives me a sad smile when our eyes meet.
"Good night, Adam," I say and walk out the front door.
Chapter Ten: Avoidance
I wake up the next morning wondering if that kiss between me and Adam could have been nothing more than an incredibly hot dream. In my limited experience, kisses like the one Adam gave me don’t happen in real life. Those sparks I felt were other worldly, something only my subconscious could have concocted. That perfect connection was a moment shared between two people that live in some fairy tale or a romance novel. It wasn’t something that could ever happen in my life, not to Amanda Sommerer, certainly not in Swainsboro, Georgia.
I lay in bed for nearly twenty minutes this morning trying to convince myself that it didn’t happen. But the truth is I know what Adam and I did last night was no dream. I know this because I’ve never woken up from a dream, or even a nightmare, feeling as panicked and shaken as I do right now. There’s a knot the size of a grapefruit in my stomach and my hands are clammy.
When I returned home last night Dad was watching the end of a movie with Tyler and Gabby asleep and tucked under each of his arms. He asked me how my night out with Rebecca went. I’m close with my dad and always have been. Other than his disapproval of my engagement right out of high school we’ve typically been on the same page. Usually that meant we presented a united front against my mother, especially when she wanted me to move to Galveston with her when I was fourteen. I tell Dad everything, yet I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about seeing Adam last night. I was worried about what he would think of me. Not just for the kiss, but the whole situation.
What was I thinking letting Adam kiss me? No, not letting… telling him. He was a gentleman. He asked if it was alright to kiss me, a married woman for all intents and purposes. And what did I do? I told him to do it. I heard my conscience screaming no but my body said yes and I practically begged for his kiss. I am a weak, pathetic, needy mess.
I couldn’t tell Dad about Adam kissing me for two reasons. First, I’ve told my dad a lot about my life but have never gone into details about the physical side of my relationships like I would with Rebecca. And the other reason is because I realized I was afraid of him judging me. Would Dad think I was following the same path with Adam that I took with Tommy? Adam’s the first man to show interest in me romantically since high school. Okay, that’s not entirely true. Brett made quite a few passes at me after my separation but the pattern didn't continue with him. I didn’t become infatuated with Brett just because he felt something for me. There was that week of intense sex we had, but Dad doesn’t know about that. I’m worried he will accuse me of falling fast for the first guy to like me since my husband without taking my time to think about what I really want.
Despite all the rational thought I’d put into my feelings for Adam and the many complications in my life, my best efforts to keep our relationship plutonic went right out th
e window with one touch of his fingertips. The first credible signal from Adam that he was interested in more than friendship and look what happened. I folded like a damn road map. Caved like Carlsbad Cavern. Do I have no willpower at all? Or did his brilliant green eyes hold some kind of hypnotic power I was defenseless against?
No, I can’t blame Adam for this. I’m a mess, lonely, and scared to death of hurting my family any more than I already have. But I’ve wanted those perfect pouty lips on mine since he walked into my life two weeks ago. And I am only human. The question is what the hell do I do now? How do I face him this morning? Will he accept my rational decision to remain friends or will he try to kiss me again?
This and so many other thoughts about Tommy, the kids, and Adam are buzzing around in my mind as I get Tyler and Gabby ready for school. I drop them off at 7:30 and try to mentally prepare to see Adam at the Bed and Breakfast this morning. If I didn’t have other guests to feed I think I’d probably skip the breakfast hour and let Adam fend for himself. But I have a job to do, so I put on my game face and drive to the B&B.
I’m making French toast and sausage for breakfast when I hear the stairs creaking. I turn around slowly with butterflies in my tummy already knowing who it is coming downstairs. Adam’s eyes meet mine as he enters the kitchen. He’s got a deer in headlights expression that I’m sure matches mine. We’re standing only a few feet from where The Kiss happened less than twelve hours earlier. I shift from one foot to another, biting my lower lip. He’s staring at me and I know it’s because he’s trying to figure me out. He seems to be feeling just as awkward and nervous as I am. Good. That’s what happens when you ask to kiss a woman with as much baggage as I have in the middle of the night.
The staring contest ends with Adam retrieving the morning paper from the kitchen table. I think for a moment that he might say something but instead he smiles briefly and retreats to the dining room to read the paper. I’m relieved that he doesn’t want to talk about last night. But I also hate this awkwardness.