by Diana Currie
When I was contemplating ending my marriage I thought a lot about that sort of thing. Passionate love, heat, and chemistry. Tommy Miller loved me; of this I have no doubt. He probably still does. But it's a familial love, not quite like a sibling but something along those lines. I wanted more than that; and thought I deserved a lover and not just a close friend. All this time I've been wondering if perhaps I left my husband in hopes of finding the kind of love that doesn't really exist. And even if it did, what were my chances of finding it in Swainsboro, Georgia?
These thoughts bring me back to Adam. I hate that I can’t get Adam Brickman out of my head. He's there when I go to sleep at night and as soon as I awake each morning. I think about him throughout the day, wondering what he's doing at that exact moment. I know that even if he’d asked me, I wouldn’t have slept with him that night in the kitchen when he kissed me so unexpectedly. I'm not spontaneous or reckless enough to let something like that happen, but that doesn't mean I didn't still want it. I wanted him to take me to his room; claim me the way a man claims a woman in a great romance novel. That height of passion was evident in Adam's eyes that night. I could see it and I know he saw the same reflecting in my own eyes. So what did I do? I put a stop to it immediately; even though I really wanted nothing more than to continue. Maybe I am being unreasonable in pushing him away. His interest in me is just so hard to accept because I don't see myself as desirable.
When I think about myself I see the frumpy mom clothes, the two children following behind me wherever I go, the old battered car, the low paying small town job, the fifteen pounds of baby weight that I don't think I'll ever be able to lose. I see bags under my eyes from an interrupted night’s sleep because Gabby had a nightmare. I see fading stretch marks. I see the dried food on my shirt from where one of the kids used my sleeve as a napkin. How could any man as gorgeous, wealthy, sophisticated, and sexually alluring as Adam ever want to entwine his life with mine?
I know I'm being hard on myself; and that I have good qualities too. I'm responsible, organized, polite, loyal, and a good mother. But I think about Gabby this morning and how much she fought going to daycare. I wish things didn’t have to be that way. Before the separation I was able to keep Gabby home with me more. I still worked for Mr. Thatcher before but now that I have to support myself I need to work these additional hours at the B&B. I let my family down when I broke us apart for my own selfish reasons and for that I am having difficulty forgiving myself.
My cell phone rings and I pick it up to see who calling. It's Tommy. Could he sense me thinking about him?
"Hello," I answer.
"Hey, Mandy. I'm on a quick break at the store. I just wanted to double check that I'm picking the kids up from school, right?"
"Yeah, I told them you were making them dinner," I reply worried that he might be going back on his word. Tyler would be crushed if he didn't see his dad tonight.
"Okay, that's what I thought. Um, I also wanted to make sure I had them Saturday night and not Friday. Did you make any plans with Rebecca or anything?"
"No, I didn't. Saturday's your night unless you need to switch it," I say concerned about Tommy's sudden confusion with the dates. He usually knows exactly when the kids are scheduled to be with him.
"Good, good. It's um, just that I made some plans for Friday. So I wanted to make sure we weren't going to switch our days again this weekend."
"Where are you going Friday night?" It's none of my business anymore but I'm curious. I know for a fact he isn't seeing Eric because Rebecca already told me he was taking her into Savannah that night.
I know Tommy well enough to be able to detect the sudden nervousness in his voice as he says, "I'm going to dinner with a friend. With a woman."
This news is shocking to me although it's something I should have seen coming. It's just that Tommy hasn't shown interest in any woman except me in the last seven years. I have no right to be upset. I want to know who the woman is; if she's a native or perhaps a customer of the grocery store. For a brief instant I wonder if perhaps Tommy has met Heidi, but quickly dismiss the idea when I realize just how much I hope it to be true. Would I really prefer Heidi to sink her teeth into the father of my children if it meant she was letting go of her interest in Adam?
"Wow," I finally say. "Okay, um, just please do me a favor and don't tell the kids. If you're going to start dating then we need to have a discussion about what's appropriate when they're present."
"Easy, Mandy. I'm not introducing Ty and Gabby to any women. I'm not quite ready for that yet," he says disheartened.
"Alright. So you'll drop them off tomorrow morning before work?"
"Yeah. Do you want them at home or Thatcher's?"
"I'd like to get to work by eight."
"Okay, I'll bring them straight there on my way to the store. You sure are spending a lot of hours at the B&B lately," he says.
"I have two guests right now. Adam, the new doctor, and a pretty young woman named Heidi," I answer.
Secretly I am hoping to trip Tommy up and figure out if he's already aware of my female guest but he doesn't reveal any knowledge of her in his response. We say goodbye and I hang up the phone with a heavy heart. Tommy has a date Friday night. Should I feel anxious about this development? Jealous? Happy? I don't know how I feel. Resentful, maybe.
The dryer buzzes alerting me that the cycle is over. I slink down the steps to retrieve both loads as I continue to contemplate Tommy's news. I want to be happy for him. I was the one who decided I didn't want him any longer and it's good that he is moving on. He took the breakup hard at first and I can remember wishing for him to get over me. One the other hand, it irks me that he is seeing some mystery person and wouldn't tell me her name. I should have reminded him about getting the signed divorce papers to the lawyer. If he has begun dating other women it is highly objectionable that he continue dragging his feet with finalizing the divorce.
Just as I'm folding the last of Adam's clothes into his basket I hear the front door open and shut. I finish the folding, stack Heidi's basket on top of Adam's, and head upstairs. In the kitchen I can hear movement on the second floor and immediately know it is Adam who has returned. The sounds of creaky floorboards are coming from his room over the kitchen. Admitting to myself that I'm eager to see him sooner than later I decide to deliver the fresh laundry rather than start on Adam's lunch.
As I reach the top of the stairs I remember the note I left for Adam to find. Crap. What was I thinking leaving him that note knowing that I would still be here when he read it? His door is open so I quickly stalk by without looking inside and go to put Heidi’s laundry in her room first. I lay the folded piles on the end of her freshly made bed and take a deep breath. I'm sure Adam saw me whizzing by his room. I've never left him such a flirtatious note. Part of me wishes I hadn't left it at all, and the other part is desperate to know how my message was perceived.
Biting my lip I turn on my heel and walk out into the hall to face the music. No sign of Adam yet. I take his basket in my hands with the intention of leaving it at his door before going downstairs to make lunch. He's yet to verbally acknowledge one of my notes, maybe today will be no different. I'm hinging on this theory as I come down the hall. Suddenly Adam appears, standing in the doorway to his room.
My eyes trail up from his bare feet to the blue jeans and up to his chest. He's wearing a flannel shirt with all the buttons undone. He notices me looking a little too long at the sliver of skin covering his taut abdominal muscles. My most recent note is in his right hand. I'm suddenly nervous, scared even at what his reaction will be. My head is still swimming with conflicting emotions about Tommy's date. My eyes meet Adam's and I know he can see the turmoil behind my forced smile.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Tommy told me he's going on a date Friday night," I blurt, not knowing what's come over me. I had no intention of telling Adam about my ex-husband's new social life.
He frowns. "You look shaken. Do you want
to talk about it?"
"No, I'm fine. Really."
“You don't look fine," he pushes gently.
My eyes bore into his as I will him to just let me escape downstairs. "Well, I am. Maybe just a little concerned about how it will affect the kids when they find out."
Adam sighs sympathetically. "Come into my room, Amanda."
"No. I can’t, Adam." I shake my head regretfully.
The sexual tension between us is palpable. I want to run from him and jump into his arms at the same time. The part of his chest not covered in flannel is calling to me, begging to be touched and gently caressed by my fingertips. Adam knows how strongly I feel about him, I’m sure of it. But I’m beating myself up day after day with guilt. Can he possibly understand just how badly I’m struggling with this? My eyes catch his hand holding my note, turning it over and over between his fingers.
"You can’t... because you don't want to?" he asks.
"No... I can’t because I do," I clarify.
He calls my name so softly, like it's a prayer falling from his perfect lips. "Amanda..."
Realizing his clean clothes are still in my hands I bend down to set the basket just inside his room while being careful not to enter. My eyes rake down his body in slow motion, my gaze focused on the exposed skin of his abdomen. I notice the fine brown hairs around his navel that disappear in a smooth line beneath his jeans. I can't stop a soft hum of pleasure leave my lips as my imagination fills in the blanks of what Adam might look like just beneath that layer of denim.
All this happens within a few seconds time and without warning Adam suddenly pulls his laundry basket out of my hands and tosses it aside onto the floor. I gasp in surprise and straighten up to my full height. Being 5'4" makes Adam at least a head taller than me. I see his hands reaching out and then he's grabbing me at the waist and about to pull me into his bedroom. Instinctively, my hands fly out to the sides and grip the door frame with my fingertips. Silently, two inner voices battle within my head. Should I listen to the warnings in my brain, pull back, and as a result deprive Adam of my heart once again? Or do I let go and follow this beautiful man wherever he wants to take me? I know what my heart wants and what my brain is telling me will never be reconciled, meanwhile I continue to fight the urge to allow myself to give in.
Adam scoffs at my childish antics and I do realize I'm being difficult. I’m prolonging the inevitable. He coaxes me forward with that velvety seducing voice he uses whenever he's trying to coerce me. “Amanda, please.”
I can feel my fingers slipping on the door frame and I simply can’t fight my desire anymore. In that split second I think about my husband. He's moving on, learning how to live without me and carving a new path for himself. He's trying to be happy in the aftermath of our destroyed relationship. Why am I so adamant about stopping myself from doing the same? Tommy's revelation this afternoon is enough to plant a seed of doubt about my decision in my head and I crumble like a house of cards. My fingers loosen the slightest bit and it's all Adam needs to pull me against him.
His chest is warm, so warm, as he holds my body tight against his. My cheek is pressed against his flesh and the hairs tickle my nose. I can feel his heart beating and it soothes me. Adam doesn't try to kiss me. He simply holds me in his arms as my heavy breathing evens out. I hadn't even realized I was nearly panting from the rush of adrenaline. Adam's words from the other night resound in my head. I want you to be the one to initiate it. I’m not going to pressure you into something you’re not ready for.
Adam substitutes kissing with something that may be even more detriment to my self control. He nuzzles my neck with his nose and breathes in deeply just behind my ear. I sense passion simmering between us; while the heady combination of lust and desire swirls all around.
"You can't hide from me, you know. Despite the walls you've built around yourself I can sense your desire for me. There's something undeniable here. I'm scared too, but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith without knowing the outcome before you jump," he whispers.
I want to know what Adam has to be scared of, but there isn't time to ask. His hands have been securely gripping my hips for fear that I would back away from him given the first opportunity. Finally, his clenched fists relax, trusting me not to bolt. As I pull back just enough to look into his eyes I feel one hand wrap around my back and the other slide innocently up my side. His wandering hand moves past the tempting swell of my breast, up my neck, and then comes to gently cradle my jaw line.
A thumb brushes across my cheek. "Jump, Amanda," he breathes.
Without giving it a second thought my hands fly up to the back of his head and thread into his soft hair. And then I jump. I lift up on my tip toes and my lips connect with his. Adam responds immediately as we both knew he would. My eyes close and all I can do is feel; his hands on me, my mouth on his, the air being passed back and forth as I kiss him fiercely. It's too much and still not enough. This is nothing like the kiss we shared late last Friday night in the kitchen below. This is two future lovers desperate for one another.
Adam lifts my feet off the ground as he backs further into his room and purposefully swings the door shut.
Chapter Fourteen: Jump, Amanda
He lifts my feet off the ground as he backs further into his room and purposefully swings the door shut...
Adam carries me backwards until we reach his freshly made bed. I feel his hands slide up my back as he sets me down on my feet and then he hesitates. He's afraid to push me too far and I love that even in the heat of the moment he's sensitive to my feelings. It makes me more certain that I am safe with him. Our lips separate as he searches my eyes for an answer to some unspoken question.
Surprising even myself, my hands come around to Adam's chest and push hard enough that he stumbles backwards and lands on the bed with a thump. The look on his face is a cross between stunned and elated. I can't help smirking at him, extremely pleased to see him so happy. He holds out his arms to me with a smile on his face and it takes no time at all for me to join him. Adam wraps his arms around my waist as I snuggle onto my side so we're facing one another. He kisses my cheek tentatively and I turn toward him to reunite our lips.
We move together slowly at first, exploring one another with our mouths and hands. Adam is very careful not to touch me anywhere too personal, sticking with the hip and waist region. In response, I move the palm of my hand over his chest and shoulder reveling in being able to touch him again. Adam is passionate but respectful as we gently caress each other over our clothes. He somehow knows that I'm not ready to cross any more lines today.
"My God, Amanda. You taste so sweet," he murmurs into my neck in between kisses.
I hum happily and throw one leg over his, pulling our bodies closer together. The scent of his cologne has filled my nostrils and I feel comfortably surrounded by him. Adam drags his lips across my jaw and back to my mouth. We hold each other close, barely speaking, both afraid that words might burst the bubble we've created around ourselves. I can feel Adam's hardness against my thigh but resist the temptation to touch it. I've imagined my hand caressing this intimate part of him many times but for now I am simply content in knowing that I can indeed affect him in a physical way. Adam's expert kissing has my mind clouded with passion and lustful thoughts, but not so much that I'd consider taking that step yet.
"I've wanted this for weeks now, since the night we met," he whispers while hitching my thigh up around his.
It feels so good when our hips press together and for a quick second I worry about just how far Adam expects to take this afternoon make out session. Has any woman ever told Adam Brickman no before? He's so talented; I can understand how that might be difficult to do. If I was single and had no responsibilities I could see myself surrendering to him completely. But thankfully Adam's sweet words and gentle hands haven't made me forget who I am or what's at stake as a result of this rendezvous.
"It's been so hard to stay professional around you," I murmur.
>
Adam hums into my neck and then rolls us until he is above me. I'm surprised by his quick movements and know my brown eyes are wide as they glare up into his green ones. My breath catches in my chest as he nudges my legs apart so he can get our bodies closer. Adam's entire body is lined up with mine now and I never want him to move. Ever.
"Don't be scared, Amanda. I can practically feel you pulling away from me," he says softly. "Please tell me that I mean more to you than just another house guest."
"I want you to be more, Adam. Of course I do..."
He kisses my lips aggressively; preventing me from answering him further in any way but to moan in pleasure. I love the feeling of his weight pressing me down against the mattress. The stubble on his chin scratches my cheek as he presses soft kisses behind my ear. It's been a long time since I've experienced this kind of closeness with a man, and never has it been so intensely passionate.
"You've never been just a guest to me, Adam," I pant.
"Then what am I? Wait, don't answer that yet. We don't have to figure it out today, right?"
My hands move from his lower back up to cup his cheeks. "Let's please not. I just want to enjoy this, and not think about how it changes my life in every single way."
"Shhh, don't worry, Amanda. I only want to make you happy."
I smile and pull Adam's face back down to mine. We kiss passionately for a while longer, rolling all around his bed completely unmaking the blankets and sheets. I'm lost in the sensations of Adam's lips all over my face. He kisses my forehead lovingly, my closed eyes, and even the tip of my nose. His tongue pokes out occasionally to taste my skin or invade my welcoming mouth. He even bites my earlobe; causing a shiver to course down my spine. When he finally pushes up on his arms to look into my eyes again the cloud of lust lifts enough for me to remember where we are.