Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  "So Amanda, how do you like working at the Bed and Breakfast?" Andrew asks conversationally.

  I'm thankful that he is the one breaking the ice. If Bianca had addressed me first I would have only grown more nervous. "I like it well enough. I pretty much manage the place on my own, with just a little help from Mr. Thatcher and his daughter, Rebecca. The downside is I often get behind on my own household chores because I work so hard to keep the B&B in good condition."

  "I've always thought that was a beautiful house. What year was it built?"

  "There have been a few additions and renovations but the original structure was one of the first houses here in Swainsboro in 1903."

  Bianca looks impressed. "That's amazing. Andrew and I are really interested in architecture and history, aren't we babe? I'd love to come by sometime if that would be alright. I don't want to interfere with your work," she says with a gracious smile.

  "No, you're more than welcome anytime! I usually make breakfast first thing in the morning and then my time is spent cleaning rooms and doing dishes and laundry until lunchtime. Then it's more chores and cleaning until it's time to make dinner; so my schedule is pretty flexible. I’d love to show you around."

  I glance over at Adam and he's grinning at me. I know he's happy to see me getting along with his family.

  "Has Adam asked you to iron his socks yet?" Andrew snickers. "I've seen him do it, funniest shit I've ever seen."

  Adam huffs beside me. "It was an undershirt, not a sock. And I only had to iron it because the dress shirts you chose for your groomsmen were so incredibly thin that the wrinkles in the cotton were showing through."

  Andrew sits forward on the sofa, animated now and excited to tell his story. "Check it out. Me and my boys knock on Adam's hotel door the night before my wedding, right? He doesn't answer so I slide my key card and let us inside his room. This doofus is standing behind the ironing board in his underwear spritzing with a water bottle in one hand and carefully smoothing down the creases on a pair of tube socks with the iron in the other hand," Andrew guffaws sticking his thumb out in Adam's direction.

  "It was an undershirt, Andy," Adam says again, a little more agitated.

  "Boys, play nice," Gregory scolds them playfully as he reenters the room with a tray of drinks. He sets it down on the coffee table and hands them out, first to Bianca and me, and then to his sons.

  Adam and Andrew scowl at each other and then break into smiles. Gregory sits in a high back chair and takes a sip of his beer. "Amanda, how are the kids? I noticed you were in my office last week," he says in a friendly yet professional tone.

  "Yes. They're both doing very well. Gabby burned two of her fingers on the stove top so I took her over as a precaution. You should know, Dr. Brickman, that Adam was really fantastic with her. She didn't squirm at all while he cleaned her hand and wrapped it up."

  Gregory smiles at me and then glances over at his middle son. Adam shuffles his feet and says, "Thanks Amanda."

  "You really are great with children," I add. He blushes lightly from my praise.

  "How old are your kids, Amanda?" Bianca asks with interest.

  "Tyler is five and Gabrielle is three."

  "Those are the best ages. Kids begin to lose their innocence once they start school, from what I've heard," Bianca says.

  "Tyler will be in kindergarten this fall. I'm looking forward to it because it will lower my daycare expense, but I know I'll be so emotional his first day."

  Bianca smiles warmly and nods her head. "I can only imagine what that will feel like to put him on that big yellow school bus for the first time."

  "Do you and Andrew want kids? I don't think Adam's told me how long you've been married."

  "Three long, long years," Andrew answers jokingly. Bianca jabs him in the ribs.

  "We're currently trying to conceive," she says lifting her ice tea, silently explaining why she isn't drinking alcohol. "It's been six months and nothing so far."

  I feel sad for her but don't know how to respond. My own experience consisted of having two children close in age without much premeditation. Tyler was not at all an unwelcome surprise but Tommy and I weren't actively trying to get pregnant either. Gabby came along the same way. "I'm sure you'll get there," I say trying to sound supportive. "I've heard it can often take six months or so to be successful."

  "Thanks. We're still very optimistic; my doctor couldn't find any issues with my health. It's hard sometimes, you know, seeing women around me getting pregnant by accident and here I am trying so hard and still nothing," she replies shrugging her shoulders lightly.

  Andrew reaches his arm around her waist in a comforting gesture. He nuzzles her cheek with his nose and she giggles happily. I was very nervously anticipating meeting Adam's ex girlfriend who is now his sister in-law. Knowing this little bit of personal information about her and witnessing Andrew's love for her makes me feel much more comfortable. It makes her seem more human, I guess.

  Some quiet exchange passes between Gregory and Adam that I miss while watching Andrew and Bianca. Adam looks a little uncomfortable until he sees me watching him and he visibly relaxes. "My dad has Andrew's blueprints laid out for my house. Would you like to see them?"

  "Yes!" I reply eagerly. Adam has talked a lot about this house and so far it's just been a bunch of images in my own imagination. "I'd love to see what you have planned for that property."

  Adam holds out his hand for me and pulls me to my feet. He leads me across the large open space to a beautiful grand piano. I remember Adam telling me he played as a child and that once he settled down in Swainsboro Caroline would give him the piano he practiced on. He must be constructing a very large house to have room for an instrument this massive.

  I recognize the blue paper rolled out across the lid of the piano and it looks quite impressive. Beyond the general outline and shape of the house I don't understand much of what I'm seeing. Andrew comes up behind me and offers to translate the markings on the plans.

  "These symbols are for doors. These here are windows. There will be a large porch in the front and another screened in one off the back," he says.

  Adam points to a spot near the center of the plans. "This is the entrance to the kitchen. See I took your advice about the open floor plan? I'm going to have an eat in kitchen area over here and a long counter top that separates the space where there can be chairs or bar stools."

  "And what is this?" I point to another spot with funny markings.

  Andrew leans closer to the plans and says, "that's the fireplace. It's in the center of the room because it's going to be accessible from both the living room and the dining room."

  "And the master bedroom, right?" Adam asks.

  "Yeah. Second floor is on another set of plans. Over there to the right."

  My eyes widen as I glance over at Adam. "A fireplace in the bedroom?"

  "The dude's got it bad for fireplaces," Andrew explains shaking his head. "My architect had to shift half the house around to incorporate this client request."

  Adam scoffs at his brother's characterization and then jumps in to defend his decision. "I saw it in another house and thought it was cool."

  As my eyes scan over the blueprints two things occur to me simultaneously. First, Adam's new home is going to look like a mansion compared to almost every other home in Swainsboro. I would guess the only two houses larger will be the one Adam and I toured a few weeks ago when I helped him house hunt and his parents' house which we are currently standing in. My second observation is more unnerving. From what I can tell by these plans, it seems like Adam has incorporated every single feature I could possibly want for my own home. I remember telling him about it the day we went house hunting together; the secluded lot, the island in the kitchen, the large windows, even the first floor den. He’s got all those specifications and more. It's a little eerie. He must have taken my advice to heart about building something that would be family friendly.

  I wonder how difficult it w
ill be for me to watch as my dream home is built before my very eyes? I know that it will be very difficult financially for me to escape the house I once shared with my now ex husband. It will be humbling to say the least to see this amazing home become a reality for Adam.

  "I can't wait to break ground," Andrew muses. "Adam has an imaginative vision for this house; it's going to be a lot of fun to build. Four bedrooms, three baths, and twenty two hundred square feet."

  "Floor to ceiling windows that look out over the back yard are a nice touch," Bianca adds. "And I definitely want to be a consultant when you pick out cabinetry and tile for that kitchen."

  Adam looks at me cautiously and I can tell my opinion is important to him. He's made a big decision in choosing to build a house from the ground up, especially here in Swainsboro where I know he'd rather not be laying his roots.

  "It looks beautiful, Adam. Really wonderful," I say truthfully. “I like the fireplaces too.”

  His responding smile is filled with relief and eagerness. I think once this project starts to take shape Adam will finally begin to view his move to Swainsboro in a positive light. And that thought makes me smile brightly too because I want him to be happy and satisfied with his new life here.

  "Lunch is ready!" Caroline calls from the kitchen.

  A moment later I see her walking into the dining room carrying a large platter of carved lunch meats. The table is set with white china and there is a large centerpiece of freshly cut wildflowers. Platters of fruit, biscuits, and cheese are placed in the center of the long table which could easily seat twelve people. There are gravy boats with the same china pattern at each end of the table and delicious looking crab cakes and shrimp piled high on platters next to each one. I'm suddenly worried about my table manners. I hope I don't use the wrong utensils. The family begins filing into the dining room and it seems like everyone knows their designated seats.

  "Sit everyone, and make up your plates while the food is hot," Caroline instructs.

  Adam shows me to my seat and even pulls the chair out for me. He sits to my left and discreetly gives my knee cap a squeeze under the table. He winks while unfolding his napkin and places it on his lap. Andrew and Bianca sit across from us while Caroline finishes bringing dishes in from the kitchen. I feel like Bianca or I should have offered to help her but she seems to have the routine down pat.

  I watch her flitting around and think to myself how Caroline Brickman could have run a finishing school with her level of sophistication and poise. She's just been cooking in the kitchen for who knows how long and not one hair is out of place on her head. I watch in awe as Gregory approaches her from behind and carefully unties the bow of her apron that is knotted tightly at the base of her spine. He whispers something sweet in her ear and she smiles, slapping his forearm playfully. He lifts the neck strap carefully over her head, mindful of the elegant twist of hair behind her head, and hands her the apron. She kisses him chastely on the lips and retreats to the kitchen once more.

  Adam's parents ask me lots of questions over lunch, some personal and some about Thatcher's. I mostly talk about Tyler and Gabby, telling stories that make everyone laugh, like the time Tyler wrote all over his bedroom walls and then insisted it was his baby sister that wrote Tyler Miller in permanent ink. Talking about my kids means that Tommy's name comes up a few times. Adam's family seems to already know about my divorce. Everyone in town knows Tommy and I are separated but it doesn't surprise them when I mention the divorce has been finalized. I wonder if Adam told them or if word has already gotten around town.

  Caroline says something to Adam that makes his whole body tense up and I quickly push aside the thoughts in my head to focus on their conversation. "You're sure you aren't dating anyone, sweetheart?" Caroline's eyes flicker to mine and I feel the blood seeping into my cheeks.

  "I've already told you, mom. I'm taking my time in that regard. I've only just moved here. I want to get to know the people of this town and make some more friends. I think it's important to be friends first; build a foundation."

  "I was only suggesting that since now you've joined your father's practice and made the commitment to live here there's nothing stopping you from finding the right girl. Your brothers are both married and soon to be giving me grandkids! I'm worried about you putting it off too long because of what happened in Chicago," Caroline insists with concern and empathy in her voice.

  "Mom, please don't interfere," Adam begs her quietly. But it's too late, everyone at the table has stopped talking and eating too; completely focused on their exchange.

  "Yeah, ma, leave Adam alone. If you pressure him too much he might wind up with another psycho bitch just like Lindsey," Andrew interjects.

  "Don't call her that, Andy. Lindsey's had a hard time with all of this and my leaving only complicated matters for her."

  My ears perk up. Adam's ex girlfriend finally has a name. Lindsey. Bianca is becoming agitated now, and drops her fork with a loud clank.

  "Adam, are you still in contact with her?" she asks with a strongly disapproving tone.

  Adam runs his hand through his hair and quickly glances at me from the corner of his eye. He obviously doesn't want me to know anything more about his ex girlfriend. This knowledge bothers me more than it should. There's a lot about my life with Tommy that Adam still doesn't know. But something about this Lindsey obviously rubs the other Brickman's the wrong way and I'm desperate to know what it is.

  "I've called her a few times, yes. Could everyone please let this go? It's over. I've done what you all asked and left Chicago for good. What more do you want from me?" Adam says exasperated.

  His admission reminds me of a phone conversation I eavesdropped on when he first arrived at the B&B. He was speaking to someone about a gift of some sort and from what I could tell it sounded like Adam was losing the argument. I still don't understand what the conversation had been about but Adam's voice was just as distressed then as it is now.

  Caroline speaks slowly choosing her next words with care. She apparently can see how difficult it is for her son to discuss this Lindsey woman and yet no one in his family can seem to let him alone about it. "Darling, is Lindsey the reason you and Amanda are not together?"

  "Mom," Adam groans. "Please. We were having such a nice lunch. My friendship with Amanda is none of your business. I would appreciate it if you would just drop this old, irrelevant bias against Lindsey. Please."

  Caroline sighs; it almost sounds like a whimper.

  Adam looks at her seriously and adds, "I have every intention of giving you grandkids. I'm building a four bedroom house for goodness sake. So let’s drop it. Please."

  He smirks at his mother and she melts the same way I do when he gives me that look. It's nice to know it isn't my hormones that make me putty in his hands. Apparently even blood relatives are wooed by his substantial charms.

  "Fine. I'm sorry, darling. I just want what's best for you."

  Adam pats her hand and turns his attention to his father, deliberately asking him a baseball question. He clearly wants to move along the conversation as far from his love life as possible. We talk a little more about Adam's house and I learn that Andrew is expecting to break ground as soon as his current project is completed. He and Bianca will stay with the Brickman's Monday through Friday the first few weeks while the project gets under way and then sporadically throughout the rest of the build whenever Andrew feels the need to check in on the progress of his team. Adam is holding out big hopes that he will be able to move in by Christmas but Andrew reminds him how unforeseen snags can easily put projects like this behind schedule. The hot and humid summer climate will also cause some delays but Adam is still optimistic.

  I'm not looking forward to Adam moving out of the B&B but I suppose that if things go well between us we might be a couple by the end of the year and it won't matter so much where he hangs his hat. That possibility is making me warm inside and I hope that we will continue along this path to being together. His family see
ms to welcome me, at least in the role of Adam's friend, and I find that encouraging. I can only hope that one day others in town will be as accepting.

  I know I worry too much about what people will think of me. It comes from years of being that girl, the one who's always giving nosy neighbors' jaws a workout.

  Married at eighteen? She must have gotten knocked up before graduation. Dropped out of college before she even began, what must her father think of her? Pregnant already? They haven't been married a year. Pregnant again? That's what happens when a girl grows up without a mother. Tommy Miller just moved into an apartment, alone! Teenage marriages never last. Those poor children! How will she ever manage raising them alone?

  I've been dealing with it for years. I wouldn't want to cause Adam or his family the slightest bit of embarrassment from my sinful past. He's likely to be labeled a home wrecker no matter that I separated from Tommy long before he moved here, or that my divorce was finalized before we became a couple. And now I can hear their voices coming up with awful assumptions about me and Adam.

  She's spending a lot of extra time at work these days. Have you seen that doctor staying there, I bet he's the reason. I've heard they've gotten very close. She better keep her knees together, Mr. Thatcher isn't paying her to sleep with the guests! And two children already! Poor kids, they must miss their father. You know Tommy still loves her. It must kill him to see her shacking up with the handsome new doctor in town!

  Oh, the voices... I know the stress that comes from being the topic of gossip in a small town and that would have a negative impact on my kids, my work, and also my relationship with Adam. So yes, I know I'm being overly cautious and a smidge paranoid about getting too close to him, but I need to approach this delicately.

  Later, on the car ride home Adam is more quiet than usual. Questions about Lindsey and Chicago are just about all I can concentrate on at the moment and so we drive through town in silence. When Adam parks his car in front of my house I feel like something needs to be said before we part for the rest of the day.