“Right, sorry,” I said, laying back down and giving her my back.
It was official. I was going home tonight. Mom was going to pick me up after she got off at three. She’d be here around three-thirty, and then we’d be back at home at four, missing the rush hour traffic. Perfect.
All throughout the day, I tried to focus on my classes, on the fact that I was going home later. Anytime my thoughts wandered to Levi, I immediately thought of something else. Like elephants, or rhinos, or even those adorable little foxes. I loved those videos you saw online with foxes. Never wanted one as a pet, but they were freaking cute.
Cute. You know who wasn’t cute? Levi. Because he was the sexiest man I’d ever seen.
Wait, no. I wasn’t supposed to think about him. I was supposed to think of other things, pretend he didn’t even go here. Right.
Harder than it sounded, and it sounded pretty damn hard.
Ugh. My first year at SCC couldn’t be a simple one, could it? It couldn’t be easy. Of course I had to go and fall for some stupid guy. Like, come on, Kelsey. Shape up. You’re better than this, you know better than to fall for any guy, no matter how attractive his face is.
Giving myself pep talks throughout the day didn’t help.
Well, at this rate, I was royally fucked.
Chapter Ten – Kelsey
Mom picked me up right at three-thirty. Her black hair was pulled back, perfectly blended eyeshadow around her green eyes, making their hue pop. She wore khakis and a nice blouse, whatever nice clothes she had to wear for her day job in the office.
“Hey, honey,” she said, giving me a warm smile as I got in the car with nothing but a backpack. “I’m surprised you want to come home so soon. I thought you’d be running wild.” She was joking, mostly.
I shrugged, reaching to put my seatbelt on. “It’s hard to run wild when my best friend is hours away.” As much as I loved Mel, she just wasn’t the same as Ash.
The drive passed quickly. Mom asked me how my classes were, even though I’d already told her. I made sure to do my once a week call to them. It was a lot of regurgitating the same information, and I knew I’d have to spit the same shit out when Dad asked.
Soon enough the streets turned familiar, and I heaved a sigh as Mom pulled us into our driveway. I leaped out of the car, wanting to bend down and kiss the gravel, hug the siding on the house that I missed dearly.
No one told you how growing up made you so nostalgic.
Dad wasn’t home yet, so while Mom started dinner, I made my way into my bedroom, collapsing on my familiar bed, breathing in the smell of my old, well-worn sheets. They were dark blue and black, and the comforter held a sea of starry constellations. I’d had the same bedding since I was twelve, but growing up with a family who was always tight on money made me have the mindset that it was just plain stupid to throw away what wasn’t falling apart. Don’t fix what ain’t broke, and all that shit.
I rolled onto my back, feeling comfortable here. My entire childhood was spent in this house. I loved it, even if it held memories of being strapped for cash.
My mind then wandered to the one person it shouldn’t, the one man who was the whole reason I’d come home this weekend to avoid. Levi. What was his home life like? Did he come from a more well-off family? Did he have money? Was he middle class? Any siblings?
Ugh. Stupid questions I shouldn’t think. I’d never get answers to them. Me and Levi, I meant it when I thought we were two colliding, unyielding and unbreakable forces. People like us shouldn’t be together. I didn’t want to be together.
Yeah, that’s right. I didn’t want to be with him. I might want his dick, but I didn’t want his stupid self.
It was a long while until my dad came home, and he immediately came into my room, gingerly sitting on the edge of my bed, setting a warm, comforting hand on my arm. “Hey there, kiddo. I was surprised when you texted earlier. Miss this place that much, huh?” He wore a bit of stubble now, its brown speckled with grey.
I sat up, hugging him. “I missed you guys,” I whispered, letting him go almost instantly.
That was strange. I wasn’t a hugger. SCC was doing weird things to me.
“Hmm,” Dad spoke, giving me a small smile. “I think you miss Ash, not us, but I’ll take as many hugs as you’ll give. You were never really a hugger growing up.” His shoulders shook with a chuckle, and it was then I realized that my dad looked a bit too skinny. Bags hung under his eyes, and he seemed…unwell in general.
“You okay?” I asked.
The smile his face wore fell, and he got up, moving to leave. “Yeah, I’m fine. Your mother said dinner will be ready in ten minutes.” He tossed me one more look before heading down the hall, leaving me alone.
I checked my phone, finding that I had no messages. Ash was busy dealing with her shit, and I had a sinking feeling in my gut that I was about to deal with my own shit. Sliding off my bed, I kicked off my shoes and went barefoot down the hall, as quiet as I could be.
My parents were in the kitchen, but they weren’t talking to each other. Just the way they were moving around, how tense their shoulders were, I knew something wasn’t right. Something was off here, and I needed to know what it was.
Once dinner was ready, we gathered around the small table in the corner of the kitchen. Its fourth side was against the wall, so there were only three chairs. I sat opposite my dad, and Mom was between us on its other side. She’d made chicken and rice, along with some beans that frankly smelled delicious, but I wasn’t very hungry, not when I knew something was obviously going on.
I wasn’t stupid. I might not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but I wasn’t oblivious.
“When are you guys going to tell me what’s going on?” I asked, breaking the awkward, heavy silence of the room. I hadn’t even touched my food yet, and honestly I didn’t know if I wanted to. It smelled good, but my stomach was in knots.
“What do you mean?” Dad asked, feigning a smile. He’d already shoveled some of his rice onto a fork and was about to eat it, but his dark eyes were on me. “Nothing is going on.”
I gave him a look. It was a look that said I wasn’t impressed or convinced.
“We should just tell her,” Mom spoke, glancing at Dad. “We said we would once she went to college—”
“Yes, but not like this,” Dad insisted.
Mom had other ideas though, for her head whipped in my direction. “Your father and I are getting divorced,” she said, saying it bluntly, as if she weren’t telling me that my parents had planned on splitting up once I went away to college.
I blinked, the news hitting me like a brick fucking wall. “What?”
Dad set down his fork, sighing. “We planned on telling you, but…like I said, not like this.”
“We want you to know that we both love you, and that will never change.” Mom’s words flew right over my head, mostly because I was shocked. Shocked and…confused. I knew they bickered, but didn’t everyone? Didn’t that just mean they both had strong opinions on things?
“I don’t get it,” I said, sounding faint. And, you know what? I honestly didn’t get it. I understood what my parents were telling me, but I didn’t know why it was happening, why now. They never seemed unhappy. I thought, until now, we were one happy family. A happy family that struggled when it came to finances, but didn’t most households in America do that?
My dad coughed, causing my eyes to snap to him. “Sometimes, Kelsey, people grow together, and sometimes they grow apart.”
“Did you try to grow together?” I asked. Deep down, I knew I sounded stupid, like a child and not like an eighteen-year-old, but I didn’t care. This…they were supposed to be my family, my normal family. Ash had grown up without a father, and she’d been cynical ever since. I didn’t want to be like that.
I might act out now, but in the future I wanted to settle down. I might not have realized it at the time, but I did now. Mom and Dad were my role models, and I…without them, what was
I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to look up to? They were my family, and now they were telling me they were falling apart.
The worst part? I didn’t have a say in it. I couldn’t fix it, couldn’t fix them. Whatever rift had caused them to want to divorce was not something any single person could fix. If the two in the marriage wanted out, there was nothing anyone else could do.
“You know what? Never mind,” I spoke quickly, jerking my chair back as I got up. The chair legs scraped against the floor, and my mom winced. She’d hated that sound for years, and usually I was better about it, more conscious of it. “I need air.” I headed to the front door, slipped on whatever pair of shoes I could find—my mom’s ratty tennis shoes that she wore when going on runs—and left the house.
They knew I’d be back. I wouldn’t be gone forever. This wasn’t me running away—this was me trying to put it all together in my head. In order to accept what they told me, I needed to be away from them. I needed to think.
I needed…at this point, I didn’t even know what I needed. I just needed out.
We lived in a quiet neighborhood, the kind where cars couldn’t go fast and everyone knew everyone else’s business. The kind of neighborhood that had sidewalks and people going door to door to try to sell things. I chose to walk around the block, again and again. Because it was instinctual, because, just for a split-second, I felt like I was back in high school, my feet wanted to take me to Ash’s place, but I knew I wouldn’t find my best friend there. Her mom, maybe, but I didn’t feel like seeing Helen Bonds.
I was acting childish. I knew I was, and yet I couldn’t stop myself. I was an only child, Mom and Dad were literally all I had, save for some extended family I never saw unless it was Christmas. They were it for me, and now they weren’t going to be together.
No. You know what? I had every right to be upset over this.
How long had I been living in a lie? How long was I unaware of my parents’ unhappiness with each other? I was too focused on my own life, on Ash and her drama, to realize it.
I ended up circling the block twice. After the second time, I headed up the driveway, going around the house to where the driveway turned to gravel. My rust bucket, Old Faithful herself, sat near the house, missing me. I ran a hand along her hood, wondering if my life would ever be simple and easy again. Just me and Ash, going to school, getting into trouble on weekends. No real problems, no real stress.
Those days. Those days were long gone.
What I really wanted was to drive to see Ash. I texted her, but it was a Friday night. She didn’t respond. She’d probably respond in the morning. She was probably out at a party and I…I was back at home, watching my family fall apart, and it broke my heart.
Funny. Didn’t think my heart would ever break. I’d kept it hidden from everyone, even myself, but this? This was impossible to hide from. This was an explosion that would be felt years down the road. The family I grew up with would be no more.
I really wished I could take the rust bucket and drive back myself, but I knew I couldn’t. I’d only end up getting a ticket or towed since I had no parking permit. Unless I commuted, freshmen couldn’t have cars. Bullshit. It was fucking bullshit. It just meant I’d have to come back here if I ever managed to get Ash to agree to a visit.
Sucked ass. I didn’t want to come back here. I didn’t want to see Mom or Dad. What I wanted was the one thing I would never, ever have—a normal life. A happy life. A good life.
No, life just liked kicking me while I was down.
I made it back to the front door of the house, finding that my parents stood in the kitchen, their arms crossed. Once I came into the house, they looked relieved, though neither of them rushed to hug me. Hell, or even scold me. They simply stared at me, as if neither of them knew quite what to say.
That made three of us.
Swallowing hard, I said, “I’d like to go back to SCC.”
My mom let out a sigh, while my dad said, “I’ll take her back.” Trading off, because Mom had been the one to pick me up earlier. Well, that was that. They didn’t need to pretend anymore. Not for my benefit.
I went and grabbed my bag, also switching my shoes to my own, and left the house without telling my mom goodbye.
During the drive, Dad was quiet for a while, until he wasn’t. Until he thought it was smart to open his mouth and say, “Kelsey, I know it might come as a shock to you, but neither of us have been happy for a while now.”
I looked at him, really looked at him. Now I knew why he looked so haggard, why there were dark circles under his eyes. “Then why didn’t you get divorced years ago?” My question stung. Basically, I wanted to know why they only prolonged it. It wasn’t like waiting had helped or stopped anything.
“We thought it would be easier to do once you were out of the house.”
“Well, it’s not easier.”
“I think we realize that now,” my dad spoke dryly, tossing me a quick glance. “I don’t want you to stress about this right now. Focus on your classes—” He went on and on about how important it was for me to get a good education, for me to get a degree. Neither of them had a degree; I’d be the first Yates to get one.
I wanted to tell him, fuck the degree. Family was what was important, not money, not a good job. Without family, what did you have? Whether that family was by blood or with people you chose to bring in close to you, wasn’t that what life was supposed to be about? Money faded, jobs came and went, but family remained.
Or, at least it was supposed to.
My jaw remained clamped shut during the rest of the drive. The daylight faded, slowly becoming dark. Dad took me right to my dorm’s turnaround, and I got out of the car, ignoring him when he told me he loved me.
I didn’t feel like talking right now. Sue me.
He waved to me, and I managed a small wave back, my bag over my shoulder as I watched him drive off. I stood there for a long time, long after he was gone. Other cars pulled into the turnaround, and I ignored them, staring off into the distance.
I didn’t want to go upstairs, face Mel. With her sad puppy dog eyes, I knew I’d spill everything to her, and I didn’t want to. We were friends, roommates, yeah, but what I wanted right now, who I wanted to talk to, I couldn’t get ahold of.
God, if only Ash was here. She’d know just what to say to talk me down, pull me away from the edge I teetered on.
The fact of the matter was Ash wasn’t here. I was alone in SCC, even though that was never the plan. I felt abandoned, as stupid as it was, and it was because I felt the need to act out that I started walking away from the dorm. I even turned my phone off before sliding it back into my pocket.
SCC was a quiet campus once night fell. The buildings shut down, their inner lights off. The only lighting there was, besides the stars and the half moon, came from the light poles.
I walked for what felt like forever. The night air was crisp, and since I wore just a t-shirt and shorts, I shivered. I wasn’t cold exactly, but I could be warmer. I could crawl under a blanket and pretend the world didn’t exist. It wouldn’t be too hard.
I must’ve made it to the edge of campus, because the giant buildings eventually gave way to smaller houses, and on their faces, I spotted Greek letters. These were the fraternities and sororities. People who belonged to something, organizations that had chapters all over America. What did it feel like to belong somewhere? I wouldn’t know. I’d always been an outsider.
Maybe that’s why I always acted up, acted out. I never found a place where I wanted to belong.
I walked along the street beside them for a while, slowing once I found a house that was currently throwing a party. I had no idea what the Greek letters on the second floor of the house meant, whether this was a fraternity or a sorority, but I didn’t care. People hung out outside, drinking from red solo cups—because no college party in America was complete without those damned cups.
You know what? I could definitely use a drink. Or two.
; Or maybe three.
Eh, who would be counting? Certainly not Ash, because she wasn’t here, and definitely not my parents, because they were back at home, living under the same roof until they got divorced. After that, they’d never have to see each other again.
Tonight might be the night I make a mistake, but you know what? I didn’t care. I didn’t care what the outcome of tonight was. I dropped my bag near the front steps as I headed up to the door, walking inside like I owned the place.
Loud music, alcohol aplenty, and enough people practically having sex in the open to fuel any guy’s orgy-filled dreams.
Oh, yeah. This was a party.
Time to get fucking wasted.
Chapter Eleven – Levi
Sigma Chi threw a lot of parties. Most of them I just watched. After last year, I didn’t really want a part of it. What went on at these parties…it wasn’t something I was proud of, but it was a tradition of the house. A sick tradition that I was a part of last year, but still.
Dean wanted to drink himself into oblivion tonight, and I’d let him. I wouldn’t stop him, mostly because if he wanted to kill himself, he would. I was a firm believer that someone who wanted to dig their own grave would dig it eventually, whether you stood in their way or not. Why bother trying to stop them?
I stood in the corner of the living room, leaning against the wall. Some girls tried to come up to me, asking me to dance, practically purring out their words, attempting to be seductive and enticing, but I shook my head, told them no. I didn’t want to dance with them, and I sure as shit didn’t want to do more.
How the hell could I want to do more with anyone when that girl was on my brain, refusing to leave it? Like some kind of infection, a tick. It wasn’t like I wanted to think of Kelsey so much—I simply did. It was not something I could stop, not something I could change.
I actually looked forward to lab, to sitting beside her and hearing her rude comments. I liked the way she glared at me, how she tried to frown to hide her smiles. She was not a quiet and meek girl; she was the very opposite. She was…she was Kelsey.
Playing Games: A College Bully Romance Page 6