by Tom Stoppard
Pause.
Blair It wasn’t Georgi today.
Kerner No?
Blair No, it was different today.
Kerner Today you decided to look. Why was that?
Blair Some of your research has turned up in Moscow. Real secrets, not briefcase stuff.
Kerner Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Blair That’s what the Americans said, roughly.
Kerner The one shaving.
Blair Mm. Ben Wates, CIA. You’d appreciate him, he makes waves with a Smith and Wesson.
Kerner I’m sorry, Paul.
Blair (shrugs) Cousin-trouble is nothing new. This thing with you is trouble, though. Oh yes. If the Evil Empire has a tap into you, that’s quite another ballroom as Wates put it –
Kerner Ballgame. I think.
Blair I assure you it wasn’t. Ballpark. Anyway, Wates flies in and says, ‘I have come from Washington to help you. How about Kerner for a start? Do we know anything about Joseph Kerner?’ Well, we do as a matter of fact. He’s Russian from Kaliningrad. The Russians put him in as a sleeper years ago but we turned him round and now he’s really working for us, they only think he’s working for them.
Kerner What did he say?
Blair He said: you guys.
Kerner Poor Paul. What happened at the Pool?
Blair Wates wanted us to abort the meet and put you through the mangle. But Mrs Hapgood insisted you were straight. And she wanted to keep the channel open. She made Wates an offer. She duplicated the contents of your briefcase. So now we had everything twice, in two briefcases. Ridley showed up before you at the Pool –
Kerner What is a mangle?
Blair I’m trying to tell you what happened at the Pool.
Kerner You already did. Your Mr Ridley delivered to my Russian control and I delivered where Ridley put his towel. Quite nice. If I’m putting something extra in my briefcase, you get it all back.
Blair That sort of thing.
Kerner And was there something extra in my briefcase?
Blair No. There was something missing. The computer disc was there but the films were gone.
Kerner A puzzle.
Blair Now we come to the exciting part. Wates had booby-trapped your briefcase. He sprayed the inside with an aerosol can, like radioactive deodorant – did you ever hear of such a thing?
Kerner An isotope solution. If I open the briefcase I give a Geiger reading.
Blair Yes, Wates shakes your hand and he has a counter which goes on the wrist and looks like a Rolex. We’re working with people who tried to kill Castro with an exploding cigar. It’s a joke shop.
Kerner So, did I give a Geiger reading?
Blair No.
Kerner (pleased) Oh, good.
Blair We also had a bleep in your briefcase.
Kerner A bleep?
Blair A radio transmitter.
Kerner Oh – a bug.
Blair gives him a look.
Sorry. A bleep in my briefcase. Go on.
Blair Wates tracked the signal all the way to the meet. There the signal died. And the transmitter went missing from the briefcase, which nobody opened. The job was done by Mr Nobody.
Kerner Well I’m blown. Blow me for a monkey’s uncle. Can I say that?
Blair I would avoid it. Any thoughts, Joseph?
Kerner Mr Nobody put something extra in my briefcase. Then he found out my delivery was going to be intercepted. So he had to take it out again.
Blair But why remove our rolls of film? He’d only have to take out what he put in, and we’d be none the wiser.
Kerner Obviously because he put in a roll of film and they all look the same; he had to take them all.
Blair (pause) Obviously. By the way do you know anything about twins?
Kerner Twins?
Blair That was the other thing. It wasn’t Georgi today, it was twins.
Kerner laughs.
Yes, that’s my favourite bit too. Give it some thought. Will you?
Kerner Oh, yes. But excuse me, now it is time for the feeding of the seals.
Kerner strolls away, jerking his head at the unseen Ridley to follow him. Ridley re-enters and follows Kerner out at a comfortable distance.
Blair stands looking out front. The next time he moves he is on the touch-line of a rugger pitch.
SCENE THREE
Blair is standing in an open exterior against a grey sky on a cold October afternoon. He is watching thirty eleven-year-old boys playing rugby. This, alas, is not as rich in sound effects as one might think: there is the referee’s whistle, there are occasional piping exhortations to ‘Heel’, ‘Drive’, ‘Shove’, and so on, and the occasional sound of the ball being kicked, but much of all this is happening at a distance, and so the general effect is sporadic anyway. Nevertheless it would be nice to work out where Blair is before the next thing happens – which is that Hapgood comes hurtling crabwise and in full cry along the touch-line. She is shod and dressed for the conditions and is carrying a boy’s two-piece tracksuit, the top half of which is perhaps tied round her neck. Her momentum takes her a good way along the front of the stage, passing in front of Blair.
Hapgood Come on, big shove now, St Christopher’s! Heel! – break! well tackled, darling! – I mean, Hapgood – oh, sugar … (The match recedes but she always gives it as much attention as she can spare or as she is allowed.) Look at their little knees. Don’t you love little boys?
Blair It’s never been encouraged in the Service. Which one is he?
Hapgood The handsome one.
Blair Oh, yes.
Hapgood Don’t wave.
Blair I wasn’t going to.
Hapgood I used to wave. He told everyone he was adopted. You are nice wearing the scarf, you don’t have to.
Blair I like the scarf. I wanted to see you –
Hapgood – wanted to see you –
Blair – before you see Wates. Washington wants –
Hapgood Kick! – kick for touch! – oh, sugar! – Tackle! – tackle low …
Referee’s whistle. Bad news for Hapgood.
Oh … Bad luck, St Christopher’s! Little darlings, they look so cold. Sixteen love.
Blair Nil. Washington wants us to take Kerner off everything.
Hapgood What have the Americans got against Kerner?
Blair Well, this is just an educated guess but I suppose if they’re going to spend a hundred million dollars over here on Kerner’s SDI research they’d rather he didn’t continue swapping briefcases with the high dive champion of the Russian Embassy.
Hapgood Paul, Kerner is my star.
Blair Means nothing.
Hapgood Do you want me to tell you or not? I had six months’ work in Kerner’s delivery, long-term reflectors on countdown.
Blair Do talk English.
Hapgood Disinformation that had to be launched, I couldn’t afford to abort the meet just because Washington got into a flap about Kerner.
Blair You can’t blame Washington. Kerner’s pure gold, the man with the anti-particle trap, and if he’s leaking his own stuff to Moscow we’re making it awfully easy for him.
Hapgood Kerner’s all right – I run him and he’s just doing what I tell him.
Blair Wates made the same point. Don’t take it personally.
Hapgood Why would I? It isn’t personal.
The referee’s whistle – the conversion of the try.
Eighteen. Come on, St Christopher’s! Lets get one back! This is personal. Everything else is technical. You’re personal sometimes; but not this minute which is all right, so what can I tell you? – it isn’t Kerner.
Blair So what happened at the pool? It’s a technical question, it almost looks as if you could solve it with pencil and paper: cubicles A, B, C, D, briefcases P, Q, R, find X when the angles are Kerner and the Russian twins, which is a question in itself – are these the famous KGB twins? Now that’s what I call a double agent. Who’s in charge and is he sane?
Hapgood I hate it, Paul.
> Blair Yes, why aren’t we pleased?
Hapgood It reeks. The KGB twins are like an old joke that keeps coming back, we’ve been hearing it for years and I never believed it. And suddenly here they are, identical and large as life. I hate it. (Pause.) But it’s about the twins. The answer. I nearly got it, then I lost it.
Blair Do you want to keep them for a while?
Hapgood No – chuck ’em out. They’re stooges, Paul. The meet this morning went exactly as the Russians planned it, including the arrests. The twins were expendable, they were meant to be seen, they were a success – ‘Now he’s here, now he’s there, oh my God, there’s two of them!’ Wates nearly cut himself shaving he was so fascinated. He’s doing a diagram, on pink paper, showing who was where when, all the coming and going.
Blair He showed me. Guess who was holding the briefcase when the transmitter went off the air.
Hapgood Who was?
Blair You were.
Referee’s whistle – a try is scored.
Our side isn’t doing too well. Well, if it’s you I don’t care which side traps its particles. Anti-particles. Do you know what they are? They were never mentioned by Democritus who was the pro-particle chap when I was at school.
Hapgood When a particle meets an anti-particle they annihilate each other, they turn into energy – bang, you understand. You can produce anti-particles in a collider and bottle them in a magnetic field but then you’re stuck – the bottle is as big as a barn, and when you open the door you’ve got a billionth of a second so you have to be quick. If you could slow them down enough to get hold of you’d be in business, and Kerner thinks he can. Do you want me to tell you how?
Blair You know, I don’t really …
Hapgood (shouts) Break! Blind!
Blair … I gave a chap a job with us once because he said he’d read physics and I thought he meant the book by Aristotle.
Hapgood Was that last try converted?
Blair No.
Hapgood You weren’t looking.
Blair They re-started with a drop-kick.
Hapgood Joe’s worried about something too, we’ve both got the same look.
Blair I’ve lost him again – you can’t tell one from the other when they’re all in the same get-up.
Hapgood Once when he was really little, he got unhappy about something, he was crying, he couldn’t tell me what it was, he didn’t know what it was, and he said, ‘The thing is, Mummy, I’ve been unhappy for years.’ He was only as big as a gumboot. (Pause. She freezes, thinking.) Oh … ssh – sugar! – Paul, you just said it.
Blair What did I?
Hapgood You can’t tell one from the other when they’re all in the same get-up. That was what it was. Listen. Ridley’s by the pool, Ridley’s Russian is getting dressed. Merryweather’s Russian arrives. Merry weather follows his Russian in and he follows the other Russian out, and why not? – they’re identical and he only saw them one at a time, it could happen to anybody, especially to Merryweather, he probably still doesn’t know there were two of them. Now Ridley comes from the pool and the same thing happens to him. He followed one Russian in and he follows the other one out, and why not? – they’re identical and he only saw them one at a time. Then he comes back inside and he says, ‘You didn’t tell me it was twins.’
Referee’s whistle, a longer one indicating the end of the game.
It’s true. I didn’t.
Distantly the two rugby teams call for three cheers for each other, first for St Christopher’s, secondly for St Codron’s.
Blair So how did he know?
Hapgood He was expecting twins. I think it’s Ridley, Paul. I’ve left my own back door open.
(Clapping) Well played, St Christopher’s … bad luck –
Blair Oh, f-f-fiddle!
Joe enters.
Hapgood Hello, darling.
Joe Hello, Mum. (He is very muddy and glad to see her. His boots are a size too large.)
Hapgood Bad luck – well played anyway. Put this on.
Joe Thanks.
He takes the tracksuit and puts it on. Hapgood helps him a little.
Blair Hello, Joe. I’m afraid they were rather good, weren’t they?
Joe Yess’a.
Blair How are you otherwise?
Joe All rights’a, thank-yous’a. We always get beaten. I wish you wouldn’t watch, Mum.
Hapgood Well, I like watching, I don’t mind if you get beaten.
Joe But nobody watches except you.
Hapgood There’s lots of people watching – look over there.
Joe That’s the firsts – that’s what I mean, nobody watches Junior Colts B –!
Hapgood I do.
Joe I know, Mum –
Hapgood Well, I won’t, then.
Joe I like you coming –
Hapgood I didn’t shout this time –
Joe You did a bit, Mum.
Hapgood Hardly at all, whose boots are those?
Joe Mine.
Hapgood No, they’re not.
Joe Yes they are, I bought them.
Hapgood Where?
Joe From Sandilands.
Hapgood Who’s Sandilands?
Joe He’s had his kidney out so he does art.
Hapgood Oh. How much?
Joe A pound.
Hapgood A pound? What was wrong with yours?
Joe I lost one.
Hapgood You lost a rugby boot?
Joe Yes. Well, not exactly, I mean I haven’t got any rugger boots.
Hapgood (irked) Of course you have, what were you playing in before?
Joe My running shoes – it doesn’t matter, nobody minds –
Hapgood You mean you never had any rugby boots?
Joe Only this term, Mother –
Hapgood Why didn’t you say? – those look too big anyway, how old is Sandilands?
Joe It’s all right, it’s silly to buy new boots for Colts B.
Hapgood And now you’ve lost a running shoe? How did that happen?
Joe It’s not lost, it’s on the roof.
Hapgood I don’t wish to know about this.
Joe I borrowed the key for Mr Clark’s garage where there’s the ladder, I was going to get it down in break with the ladder but then I lost it.
Hapgood The ladder?
Joe No, the key, Mum – I put it somewhere and Mr Clark will have an epi if I don’t find it.
Hapgood Is that what you’re worried about, Mr Clark’s garage key?
Blair I’ll send one of the burglars.
Joe It’s all right, don’t do anything, Mum –
Hapgood I won’t. When was all this?
Joe Today after breakfast – oh: thank you for the parcel. Your card came too. When were you in Austria? Did you go to the Spanish horses?
Hapgood No. I was too busy. What was in the parcel?
Joe The chocolate animals.
Hapgood Oh, yes.
Joe I gave one to Roger.
Hapgood How is Roger?
Joe I think he’s pregnant.
Hapgood Oh dear.
Joe Well, he’s awfully fat and he only eats chocolate.
Hapgood Oh, well …
Joe I’ve got to go –
Hapgood Yes, don’t miss tea – have you told Mr Clark you’ve lost his garage key?
Joe No, I mean he doesn’t know I borrowed it.
Hapgood Don’t tell him yet – do the grid for me. From getting up, to when you couldn’t find it. You remember how we do that?
Joe It’s all right, Mother –
Hapgood I know it’s all right. Just do the grid – five minutes for every square, don’t leave any out because the key is in one of them, and phone me in first break if you haven’t found it.
Joe Yes, all right, thanks, Mum – thanks for coming –
Blair Goodbye, Joe.
Joe Goodbyes’a.
Hapgood Bye, darling – I’ll let you know when I can come again –
They exchange a kiss and he runs of
f.
Blair (suddenly hearty) I say – what a jolly nice young chap! Excellent knees. You know, you should go to the Spanish Riding School some time when you’re next in Vienna – really worth it.
Hapgood (tightly) Right, fine, thanks, point taken – I sent him a postcard; sorry. Oh, sugar, Paul!
Blair I merely said –
Hapgood No, you’re right, I break the rules, but I keep missing things, last time I missed him in Robin Hood even if he was only a tree, and if I can’t send him a rotten postcard you can take Vienna and stick it up your –
Blair Right, fair enough –
Hapgood – jumper! Oh, fiddle! – I already run the only intelligence network in the Western world which exhibits seasonal fluctuations, and it’s only a matter of time before somebody works out it’s the school holidays. And now there’s Ridley. Really I should pack it in.
Blair Oh, yes, Ridley. You could be right about him. It makes one wonder about that Bulgarian we lost in Paris …
Hapgood Ganchev, I thought so too. And Athens.
Blair Yes, Athens. Wates will like that one.
Hapgood It’s a mess.
Blair Yes. Frankly I’d rather it were Kerner. That’s just a better mousetrap. The real secrets are about intentions and deployment, and Ridley could make it shit city around here. I like the way they talk, the Americans, don’t you? – no, of course you don’t. What do you say when you burn your hand on a saucepan? ‘Oh, sugar’?
Hapgood I don’t cook.
Blair I didn’t know you knew. Well, what are we going to do about Ridley? We could reel him in for a hostile interview but I’d rather catch him at it.
Hapgood Yes, that’s right. We missed our chance today, we’ll have to make him do it all again.
Blair (surprised) He won’t come back to the well, it’s been poisoned.
Hapgood I know. It’s difficult. I’ll think about it. Do you want some tea? They lay it on for parents and he’s entitled to two.
Blair (shakes his head) I think I’d better get the search going in back numbers. Perhaps you could organize a relief team from eight o’clock.