The Cowboy's Family Christmas

by Carolyne Aarsen

  “Why do you think I’m such a bad person?” he asked. “What have I ever done to deserve such dislike?”

  The questions jumped out before he could stop them, and anger followed the hurt his father could cause so easily. Anger that he let his father get to him. Again.

  “You were always a hard kid. Always pushing, always trouble,” George grumbled. “I gave you a home. A name and a place,” his father shot back. “I gave you more than I should’ve. More than anyone else would have, and you tossed it aside.”

  “Was taking care of me such a burden? I’m your son,” Reuben said.

  George held his gaze and a flicker of something crossed his face. Remorse? Sorrow?

  Or was Reuben simply projecting his own feelings onto the man who’d had such an influence on his life?

  “I don’t want to talk anymore,” George mumbled, avoiding Reuben’s gaze.

  He got up and faltered, his hand grabbing for the back of his chair. Reuben was beside his father in an instant, catching him. He held him, surprised at his own response as he looked down at his father’s stooped shoulders. His thinning hair. In that moment he saw his father’s vulnerability.

  George was getting old, and neither he nor his father had anyone else besides Austin and Leanne.

  He doesn’t deserve them.

  Do you?

  The question wormed its way into Reuben’s own doubts and insecurities.

  “I want to go to my room,” George said, but to Reuben’s surprise, he didn’t push him away. He leaned on Reuben’s arm as they made their way down the hall to the flight of stairs leading to his wing of the house.

  They walked a few steps and Reuben couldn’t stand it anymore. “You know, Dad, all I ever wanted was to be your son.”

  George said nothing, but when they got to the stairs, he grabbed hold of the large, ornately carved newel post and turned to him. His eyes were softer and Reuben wondered if he imagined the regret in them. Then George patted his hand and Reuben felt himself return to the young boy he once was who only ever craved his father’s love.

  “You were never like Dirk, that’s for sure” was all he said.

  Reuben’s back stiffened and he pulled away as his father grabbed the banister and made his slow, steady way up the stairs.

  He turned away and the first thing that came to his lips was a prayer to his heavenly father. Help me, Lord, to know that you are my faithful Father, he prayed as he walked back to the dining room. Help me get through this with my soul intact.

  He returned to the dining room and finished cleaning up. As he turned the dishwasher on, Leanne entered the kitchen. Her hair was burnished like old copper by the light, and his empty heart was drawn to her once again.

  And help me to get through this with my heart intact.

  The prayer was one of self-defense. He knew that their son now inextricably linked him and Leanne. Yet many questions and mysteries were woven into their lives now, and he didn’t know if they could draw them out without doing damage.

  He knew he couldn’t stay here with his father but Leanne was determined to make a life here.

  And in spite of all of that, his foolish and hopeful heart still beat faster when she came closer.

  “George gone?” she asked, looking past him.

  “He isn’t feeling well and went to bed early.” He washed his hands and dried them on a towel hanging from the stove handle. “Is Austin in bed?”

  “Yeah. He fell asleep right away.”

  He wanted to go up and see him, but right now the conversation Leanne had promised was hovering and he wanted that done.

  “Did you want a cup of coffee?” she asked.

  “Sounds good to me,” he said, folding up the pizza boxes. He brought them to the recycling bin sitting on the deck outside. He pushed them in and looked out at the large fat flakes of snow silently falling onto the bare ground, thankful they had waited until now to fall. If this kept up, by morning everything would be covered, blanketed and softened.

  He came back into the house, shivering in the warmth. “Good thing we got everything done today with the cows,” he said as he came into the kitchen. “It’s starting to snow out there.”

  Leanne was pouring coffee into mugs and looked up. “I guess it was bound to come. Thanks again for all your help. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

  “I was glad to help. I enjoyed it.”

  “You did?” she asked as if fishing.

  “I did,” he admitted. “Even brought back some good memories.”

  “Really?” She shot him a disbelieving look.

  “Really. Life with George wasn’t all yelling and screaming. And no matter what Dirk told you, I always liked rounding up the cows. Working on my own in the back of the beyond, me and my horse.” He gave her a grin and followed her as she went into a small sitting area right off the kitchen and other good memories came to mind. His mother sitting there, reading a book, opening her arm to him, inviting him to curl up beside her.

  “You’re smiling,” she said. “What are you thinking about?”

  “Just pulling out another good memory of my mom. Wishing I could have seen her one more time before she died and wondering if my mother truly was the horrible person my dad has made her out to be.” Reuben looked at the chair opposite, then at Leanne who had dropped onto the couch. The smart move would be to sit on the chair across from her, but right now he was tired of being smart. He wanted to be close to her.

  Leanne cradled her mug, watching him through the steam. “George does tend to hold a grudge, but he seems to have forgiven me for being a Rennie.”

  “I’m sure having Austin helped.”

  “He does love that kid.”

  “So when do we tell him the truth? I want him to know before I leave.”

  She gave him an anguished look. “Can you give me a few more days?”

  “Doubts again?” Her hesitancy to tell George that he was Austin’s father bothered him more than he wanted to acknowledge. Leanne choosing Dirk over him again. Putting her promise to Dirk over his own feelings.

  “No. I just need to sort things out in my head,” she said.

  “Like our supposed text messages.” Reuben leaned back and shoved his hand through his hair, forcing the conversation back to this difficult topic. “So tell me your side of all of this. From the beginning.”

  “From when we were intimate? And we agreed, the next day, that we had rushed into things too soon?” Leanne’s questions held an edge of melancholy.

  “We probably had,” Reuben said. “But I think we both felt like we could finally be together without Dirk or anything else between us.” He and Leanne had been so happy then. They had talked and talked and kissed and shared stories and secrets.

  “Afterward, I often wondered if it was the atmosphere that led to what happened between us. That sense of being where no one was watching or judging,” Leanne said.

  “Maybe. But I also think we both knew we were meant for each other. Part of me is sorry about how things happened, but at the same time...” His voice faded away as he thought of his son, the result of that evening.

  “Most people would say it was a mistake, but I don’t want to think of Austin that way,” Leanne said.

  Reuben was quiet, not sure what to say.

  She gave him a gentle smile and he was dismayed at how quickly his heart reacted. He was so easily falling back into his old patterns and behaviors around her.

  “At any rate, in spite of what happened, at that time, I wasn’t ready to quit on us,” Leanne said. She looked away from him as if sorting her thoughts. “I wanted us to be together.”

  Her words rested in his worn-out, hungry soul and he wanted nothing more than to curl his hand around her shoulder, pull her close.

  “I did
too.” The words came out before he could stop them.

  She gave him a weary look. “Being with you was so much easier than being with Dirk ever was.”

  Her words wore away his resistance to her. He knew he couldn’t give in, but he was sorely tempted as their eyes held and old feelings rose up between them.

  “So why did you stay with him so long?” he said, dragging his gaze away from her.

  Leanne clutched her mug. “He was safe. You were riskier with your rodeoing and running around.”

  “I know I wasn’t the kind of guy any mom or dad would approve of.”

  “My dad wasn’t exactly the kind of guy moms and dads would approve of either.” Leanne released a short laugh but it held no humor. “And that’s why I stayed with Dirk. Though I had to fight my feelings for you, my brain told me that Dirk was the wiser choice. That he would give me the security I so badly wanted and never had growing up.”

  “You never talked about your father,” he said. He had asked, tried to find out what her life was like but she always brushed his comments off with a laugh.

  Leanne took a sip of her coffee as if considering what to tell him.

  “I feel like you’ve kept that part of your life separate from me,” he pressed.

  “I kept it separate from Dirk too.”

  “So what was Floyd Rennie like?” he asked, hoping that by finding out more about her father, he’d find out more about her.

  Leanne kept silent, looking away as if going back in time to a place she didn’t want to go again. “After our mother died, he fell into such a deep funk. Moved around as if trying to erase the pain. Always, he promised us the next place would be better but it never was. Often Tabitha and I were on our own, scrounging for food. Trying to make the best of what we had. We went to school hungry many times.”

  He had heard bits and pieces of her story, but this was the first he knew of how difficult it had been for her. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know you were ashamed of your life.”

  “Beyond ashamed,” Leanne admitted. “It was hard not knowing, for so many years, if my dad would have work or even come home at night. It’s a huge thing for two young girls to be worrying about where their next meal will come from, how we were going to get the money for clothes, let alone school supplies. We moved so much and each move cost us. Trouble was, Tabitha and I ended up paying the price more than our father ever did.”

  “I never knew it was that hard for you. I wish I had.”

  She shrugged away his concern. “I think my dad was dealing with the grief of losing our mother in his own way. We were grieving too but he didn’t seem to acknowledge that. Anyhow, he finally seemed to snap out of it. Then we moved here and Tabitha and I thought this was our forever home. He settled down. Got work, but then, after a few years, he talked about moving on again. So when I met Dirk, I knew I had found someone who promised security in all the ways my father never had.”

  “So Dirk was your safety net.”

  Leanne gave him an apologetic look. “Even though I was attracted to you, some of the choices you made, the life you led, reminded me too much of my father.”

  Regret spiraled through him at her statement. “That bothers me because I know it to be true,” he said. “If I’d been a better person, if I’d tried a little harder to be the person my father wanted me to be, maybe I’d have been the guy you needed me to be.”

  “I don’t know.” She set her mug on the low table in front of them, then sat back, resting her chin on her knees, twisting her head as if to study him further. “I think you had to find your own way through life. I know it wasn’t easy being the odd son out. I know, from Dirk and from my own observation, how you and George got along. And it can’t have been easy to see such obvious favoritism between you and Dirk.”

  “I always felt like I should dislike Dirk for that, but he was a good brother to me.” Then he gave her a wry glance. “Except when it came to you. He was adamant I stay away from you. Especially when he heard I had asked you to prom.”

  “And then you didn’t take me, yet you stole a kiss anyway.”

  “Like I said, Dirk had warned me away from you even though, as you said, he had broken up with you.”

  Leanne held his eyes. It didn’t take much to conjure up the picture of her in that pink, gauzy prom dress. How her hair hung like a burnished cloud around her face. He’d had too much to drink, as usual, which made him bold and reckless. They’d been standing together outside and it had been a cool evening. She’d been shivering and he put his arm around her. She hadn’t resisted and when he’d turned his head to find her face so close to his, kissing her felt so natural.

  And with that one, simple act, he knew he could never simply be a bystander again.

  But she’d stepped back, her eyes wide with shock. Then she spun around and ran away. Back to Dirk.

  “I remember how angry he was when he found out I kissed you,” Reuben said, surprised at the breathless note in his voice. “It was a surprise for me how upset he was.”

  “He was jealous. Maybe he knew how I felt about you.”

  He wanted to pull Leanne into his arms again. But he knew they couldn’t return to that innocent time.

  “So let’s go back to the timeline of us after Costa Rica,” he said, focusing on what needed to be dealt with. “What happened when you got back home? I feel like I need to unravel this step by step.”

  “Well, you had your business trip to Dubai,” she said. “And we decided that I needed to talk to Dirk before anything more could happen. We had agreed to give each other a couple of weeks of space. To find a way to fit each other, our relationship, into our normal lives.”

  “And how did that ‘space’ work for you?” he asked with a touch of irony in his voice. “Because it sure didn’t work for me.”

  “I missed you. Wanted to talk to you, but I also knew I needed to talk to Dirk first. Clear that up before you and I could move on without any shadows of the past over our relationship.” She was quiet a moment. “But I had my concerns about what we did so I bought a pregnancy test. As soon as I got the positive result, I phoned you but I got no answer. Then I started texting and only then did you respond.”

  He had thought about these texts many times now, but as convinced as she was that she sent them, he was that sure he hadn’t received them. They couldn’t both be wrong yet...

  “Do you remember the day you sent them?” he asked.

  “Yes. You had told me you would be back at your home in Montreal on the seventh of the month. I had it circled on my calendar. I didn’t have your business phone number, so I thought maybe you left your personal phone at home and that was why you weren’t responding.”

  “I did, actually. I remember being angry I forgot it because I was hoping you might call in spite of wanting your space.”

  She nodded. “So that’s why you didn’t answer. You had said you’d be home that day. So I tried again.”

  He dug back, struggling to reconstruct what had happened. “That was right around the time Dirk was coming back from Europe, wasn’t it?”

  “I think so.”

  “What did those texts I supposedly sent you say?”

  Leanne bit her lip. Then she drew in a long breath and began. “I told you about the pregnancy. You asked if I was sure. I wrote back that I was and I asked what should I do. You didn’t answer right away and then you said that this couldn’t be right. You asked if this was because of Costa Rica, and I wrote back and said yes. Then you said...” Her voice broke, and Reuben struggled with his own feelings as she recited a conversation he had absolutely no recollection of. “You said that you weren’t ready to be a father. That you didn’t want to have any part of this. I wrote something back. I can’t remember what, and then I read that you didn’t think it was right for us to be together. That you wer
en’t going to acknowledge this kid. And again that you didn’t want to be a father. And then you told me to leave you alone. That you hadn’t signed up for this and that you never wanted to see me again.” She stopped, pressing her finger to her lips.

  He felt his own anger rise as he heard her recitation of the conversation. He knew he hadn’t participated in that and couldn’t imagine what it had been like for her to be on the receiving end of it.

  He had to fight his desire to refute everything she said. And he struggled between wanting to pull her into his arms and wanting to tell her that it wasn’t true, but he kept his emotions in check. They needed to get to the bottom of this first.

  “What time did you send those texts?” he asked, lowering his voice, keeping his tone gentle.

  “I think it was five o’clock in the evening. I had just gotten off work and thought you might be back.”

  He nodded, slowly piecing her memories with his. “That would have been about seven o’clock my time. Half an hour before I got back to my place from the airport. I remember because an accident had snarled traffic. I had hoped to get back in time to watch the Jays game on TV, but I was running late and I knew I would miss the opening pitch. I was ticked about that.” He gave her a shamefaced look. “Sorry. Sports fan. I really wanted to call you when I came back, but that whole ‘space’ thing you wanted prevented me. Then, when I got to my apartment, Dirk was already there. He had a key from the last time he’d stayed so he let himself in. He had said he might stop by on his way back from Europe but hadn’t made any definite plans. I felt gross and wanted to clean up, so I told him we could go out for dinner after and catch up. So if you sent them at five, I wouldn’t have been home.”

  He frowned as he thought back to that day. Then something teased his memory. Reuben turned to her and grabbed her hands. “Dirk was sitting on the couch reading the paper when I came into the apartment. He was acting all strange. Like he was upset. I remember wondering why. We hadn’t seen each other for weeks and he didn’t seem excited to see me.”