by Silla Webb
“Yeah, I’ll try to do that. Thanks, Doc.”
“Just take it easy. If you get dizzy or feel sudden panic, use your call button and a nurse will be right in. I’ll check on you later this afternoon. Get to feeling better, Mr. Davenport. You have a precious little girl who needs you at home.” Dr. Shepherd turns on his heels and leaves the room, the nurse following closely behind. That dude is not a poster boy for bedside manner.
“Ring me when you’re ready to get cleaned up, and I’ll bring a shower kit and disconnect your leads,” Cybil says before she closes the door. The monitor beeps in tune with the pace of my heart, erratic and skipping beats.
Carter speaks up, breaking the sudden awkward silence. “Mad, man, you scared us all to death. I’m so fuckin’ glad you’re alright, but damn it, you’ve gotta get healthy. For Belle. You’re all she has, man. What would—”
“Stop, Carter.” I hold my face in my hands to hide the humiliation and self-loathing I feel. Taking a deep breath, I stow the emotions and look up at my daughter. “Let Unk and Laney take you to the café to get some ice cream, okay, kiddo? Dad’s gonna take a shower and try to feel better so I can come home.”
“Will I get to see you ’fore Unk takes me home?”
“Yeah, baby girl. Unk will bring you back up to see me in just a little while. Is that okay?”
“Otay, Daddy! You do kinda stink.” She pinches her nose as she leans forward and kisses my hand then skips around the bed to Laney. She takes her hand and leads her out into the hallway. I push the blanket back and try to pull myself up out of the bed, my energy depleted.
Before I can fall back against the mattress, Carter clasps my hand and wrenches me forward, pulling me to my feet. “You can sulk all the hell you want. I nearly lost my best friend yesterday, my brother, and that little girl doesn’t need to know how close she came to losing her daddy. What then, Mad? You’re all she has. I can’t make the choice for you, but I sure as hell will stay on your ass and fight you tooth and nail to make sure I keep your sorry ass around as long as possible. You’re a dick, but you’re my brother, and we need you.” He slaps his open hand on my shoulder then turns away quickly, meeting Belle and Laney in the hall. I know he meant it to be motivational, but hell, kick a guy while he is down why don’t you.
*~*
“Up on your feet already? You need to be careful so you don’t get dizzy.”
“Sorry, ma’am.”
The nurse disconnects the leads and removes the pads from my skin, yanking my chest hair out with each one.
“You’ve got a beautiful little girl. How long have you been a single father?”
“Two years now,” I answer quickly, the memory of the custody battle fresh in my mind. She places a towel, washcloth, and a clean gown on the bedside table along with a shower kit.
“I won’t pry, but whatever the situation is, it seems as though you’re doing a fabulous job of raising your daughter. But you have to take care of yourself as well.”
“So, anxiety … that’s a real diagnosis?” I chuckle nervously, changing the subject.
“It’s very real, but the doctor’s main concern is your blood pressure level and weight. High blood pressure and obesity can lead to serious heart issues, and having a family history of heart disease only increases your risk. I think the commotion of the birthday party may have spurred the anxiety attack, but it was rather extreme. Stress will kill ya, my friend. Dr. Shepherd will likely see you back in his office in a couple weeks and monitor you until he’s comfortable that you’re on the right path to being healthy. Most importantly, like the doctor suggested, is that you get your weight under control.”
I nod, absorbing her explanation. “I wasn’t always like this, ya know? If I wasn’t on a job site or at home with the family, I was at the gym working out. I ran three miles every morning; I was in shape. It was my safe haven, my catharsis, to level out my head and clear any fog that may have been clogging my mind.”
I look away, realizing the irony of the situation. Every thought, every trouble would pour out of me in the form of sweat with the thrust of the weight bar or every pound against the pavement. I left nothing but reason behind, allowing me to return home as a new man. I could resolve anything by going to the gym, then the custody situation with my ex-fiancée changed, and suddenly I was a single father overnight. It was an uphill battle, but one I’d fight over and over again just to save my daughter.
“Then … then my priorities changed, and I simply lost myself along the way.”
“I hope this encourages you to find yourself. For the sake of that precious little girl.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
She pats my arm and leads me to the small alcove in the corner of the room. “There’s a call button there on the wall should you need assistance. Once you’re dressed, call for me and I’ll connect your IV and apply new leads. The doctor wants to monitor your heart and blood pressure until you’re discharged.”
I nod and make my way into the closet-sized bathroom, immediately feeling anxious in the small space. “Thank you, Cybil. I’ll be out shortly.” She dismisses me with a wave and closes the bathroom door.
I catch sight of my appearance in the mirror and wince in disgust. My cheeks are red, marking evidence of high blood pressure. My stomach, once tone and lean, now carries at least fifty extra pounds. My old man was overweight. High blood pressure, cholesterol. And he died at the age of fifty-two because he didn’t take care of himself. He put work and other priorities above his health. And now, here I am following in his very footsteps, one foot in the grave years sooner.
Unable to bear the sight of myself any longer, I turn toward the shower and switch on the water, feeling an unmeasurable weight of guilt and humiliation for the man I’ve let myself become.
CHAPTER TWO
MADDEN
“That’s the third time I’ve caught you in the halls. It’s already after five am. You should really be sleeping, Mr. Davenport.” Janie, the nightshift nurse, shakes her finger at me like she’s scolding a child.
“Doc said I should be active as long as I feel like it.”
“That’s true, but you also need your rest. Can’t ya sleep?”
“Not really. Hey, Janie. What time does the doctor usually make his rounds? I was hoping to get discharged early if possible.”
“Got a hot date?” she asks, waggling her brow at me.
“Just anxious to get home. Hospitals freak me out.”
“I understand. I’ll send him in as soon as he arrives, but until then, you need to be in bed resting.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I reply, mock saluting the middle-aged nurse, before I turn on my heels and make my way to my room.
I hate hospitals, and being confined in a small space does nothing to soothe the anxiety I’ve felt since I woke up. But I did wake up. Laying on the hard ground while I struggled for my next breath, I thought that was it. I’d soon meet my maker, and Belle would be left an orphan. I don’t remember much about the episode that landed my sorry ass in the hospital, but it has spurred motivation to getting my health on track.
I flip on the morning news just to have some background noise to fill the silence. Grabbing my phone from the bedside table, thankful it must have been in my pocket when I arrived, I shoot a good morning text over to Carter to check on Belle. It’s too early for them to be up and about yet, but it won’t be long before Laney is getting my girl ready for school.
Carter is the foreman at the construction company I took over when Dad passed away. He’s been my best friend since we were kids, and he is like a hemorrhoid—a monumental pain in my ass that never goes away. Probably because he’s my carbon copy, though he never had a reason to let his health go. Carter’s wife, Laney, owns the preschool where Belle has been enrolled since I gained custody of her. It’s a huge relief having family to help care for her. Being a single dad is the hardest feat I’ve ever battled in life, aside from my health, which is why I have to take this next ste
p to ensure my daughter grows up with a father.
By the time I’ve finished the Google search and made a decision, the door swings open bringing bright light with it as the doctor and Cybil enter the room.
“Janie told me you were anxious to be released. It seems you’re feeling better this morning?” Dr. Shepherd asks as he steps beside the bed.
I thrust my hand forward in greeting. “Good morning, Doc, and yes, I’m feeling much better, although sleepy. I couldn’t sleep much last night.”
“Hospitals have a way of disrupting sleep patterns. Hopefully you’ll rest better at home tonight.”
“No doubt.”
“I’d like to start you on some medication, Metoprolol, to balance your blood pressure. We’ll monitor the anxiety attacks and later determine if medication is the right treatment. I’ll see you in my office in two weeks just to see how you’re adjusting to this medication and evaluate your lifestyle change. Remember—low sodium diet. Try to increase your daily water intake, and make sure you’re staying active. If you notice an increase in your heart rate, remain calm and breathe. You’ll have to find a coping mechanism to work through these episodes, barring you have any further. Any questions?”
“How soon can I break outta this joint?” I ask, standing too quickly and causing my head to spin.
“Woah. Take it easy. Cybil is working on your discharge papers now. Take a seat and catch your breath. I know you’re ready to get home, but you don’t want to overdo it and land yourself in another ambulance.”
“Absolutely, Doc. I appreciate it.”
We shake hands, and he leaves the room to continue his rounds.
Once I have the discharge papers in hand, I change into my grass-stained clothes. “Fuckin’ hell,” I groan when I pat my pockets and remember I don’t even have my damn truck, seeing how I was transported by ambulance. I quickly download the Uber app, never having any reason to use the service before now, and arrange for a driver to pick me up. Resolved to put one foot in front of the other and make a change for a healthier me, I put my plan into action.
*~*
“Fucker, why the hell didn’t you tell me you were being discharged today?” Carter gripes as I follow him into the kitchen. The scent of homemade lasagna and garlic bread wafts from the oven, and a pang of hunger stabs my gut. After I got home this morning, I took a long nap to make up for the sleep deprivation I experienced last night and ended up oversleeping. I woke up in a panic and didn’t give food a passing thought as I rushed out the door to run errands. I’m starving, but lasagna and bread definitely aren’t part of this fuckin’ low sodium diet. I will never be allowed food that doesn’t taste like cardboard again.
“Well, fucker, because I ain’t in Kindergarten and you ain’t my damn daddy. I don’t need a babysitter.”
“Sure about that? What, with you passing out at the sound of preschoolers running amuck in an open field.”
“Fuck you, taint sucker.”
Carter grins and tosses me a bottle of water. “We have a fridge full of Coke, but I’m keeping my word. Your ass is gonna get healthy one way or another.”
“Yeah, about that … I signed up with a trainer today.”
“You did what!” Carter’s words are followed by a sudden outburst of laughter. I roll my eyes, annoyed by his reaction. “I mean, I’m glad you’re taking this seriously, but I certainly didn’t expect you to hire a trainer. I figured we’d just throw up some weights after work, or play some street ball.”
“I have no other choice but to take it seriously. I’m all Belle has, Carter. She deserves better from me.”
“Fuck, you should pass out more often with this infinite wisdom shit you’re spewing. Who knew you could be so fuckin’ profound? Kinda weird, but what the fuck ever. Proud of you, man.”
“Where are Belle and Laney, anyway?”
“Still at school. They should be here anytime now. She’s had a few parents running late to pick-up in the evenings lately. It was a short day on the job site, so I left Mav in charge and came home. Figured I’d get dinner started so she wouldn’t have to.”
Carter isn’t like most men, or so Laney says. In their marriage, he pulls his weight instead of throwing it around, not caring to scrub the grout, wash a dish, or hell—even cook dinner. Personally, I think he has no choice but to cook dinner if the man wants to eat. I’d never tell Laney this, but she’s more of a baker than a chef. Her cupcakes are to die for, but her food could literally kill you. Whether it’s the undercooked chicken that gave us all food poisoning, or the biscuits she brags are a secret family recipe—the secret must be quik-crete. You can only bless her heart and pray she doesn’t cook you a meal.
“She’s got you whipped.” I make a lashing sound and flex my arm like I’m slinging a whip. Carter rolls his eyes and opens the oven to check on the food. Damn, it smells so good.
“Daddy, you’re here!” Belle shouts as she bursts into the room. I turn at the sound of her voice and catch her as she launches herself against my chest. I stumble against the island but brace my weight to keep from falling. She’s always catching me off guard like this, or maybe I’m just weak.
“Gah, that’s all this girl has rattled on about for two days. Do me a favor, Mad—quit tryin’ to die on us, yeah?” Laney jokes. “Seriously, though, you look so much better than you did in the hospital, Madden. You had us all scared, especially Belle.”
“Thanks for taking care of her for me. I really don’t know what would have happened if I’d had that episode anywhere else. Y’all saved my life, and you are always there to help with Belle. I really don’t know what I’d do without y’all.”
“Okay, man, seriously. Did they give you a vagina while you were in the hospital because you sound like a gracious little bitch, and I can’t take much more of it,” Carter complains. Most people would be offended, but this banter back and forth is our friendship.
“Ignore him, Mad. You’re family, and we’ll always do what we can to help,” Laney reassures.
“I hope you mean that because I’m gonna need to leave Belle at preschool a couple extra hours a week. I got a gym membership today, even signed up with a trainer, and with my work schedule, I had to choose evening training. It’s either work and make a living while I try to get healthy or ignore this heart condition and trip on over in my grave.” I shrug, knowing I have no choice in the matter. “I can take her with me some evenings, I’m sure, but I doubt a gym is the place for a five-year-old.”
“I’m so proud of you, Madden! What gym will you be working out at?” Laney asks, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge then taking a seat at the island.
“Dumbbells.”
“Dumb Belles?” Laney asks, her brow quirked.
“Yeah, that’s what I said.”
“Have you met your trainer yet?” Laney beams with interest.
“No, he wasn’t in today. I have my first session tomorrow at five. But I read through the reviews, and he’s the highest recommended trainer they have on staff.”
“Who is it? Anyone we know?” Carter asks.
“Jordan Williams.” Carter’s eyes widen, and his hand cups his mouth.
“Jordan Williams?” Laney repeats with a knowing look.
“Oh shit!” Carter shrieks as he bursts into laughter. “You’re fucked!”
Laney slaps his chest and scowls at him angrily.
“Yeah, you know him?” I reply.
Laney quirks a brow and slowly says, “Can’t say I know … him.” Carter is still chuckling as he takes the lasagna out of the oven and places it on the cooling rack.
Something’s off here, I just don’t know what.
“Well, I’ll let y’all get to dinner. I’ll be late picking Belle up tomorrow, Lan.”
“No worries, Madden,” Laney assures.
“Yeah, good luck with Jordan, man. Hope you like him.” Carter laughs again, shaking his head.
*~*
That first step toward the gym door is anxio
usly taken in stride, the heavy footfalls of my work boots beating against the pavement. I’m fuckin’ running late from work, the story of my life. Even scheduling late appointments seems fucking impossible to make it somewhere on time. I used to never be so unorganized and tardy for shit. That was before I became a parent. Now my days need more … flexibility.
Belle has been my constant for the last four years. Taking full custody of her two years ago was a blessing, but that only cemented the responsibility of raising her as a single father, and since that time, I lost sight of myself. Hyper-focused on every waking thought of her wants, needs, raising her properly and ensuring she has the love and care every child deserves. I should have realized that letting my health deteriorate and packing on the pounds affected her as much as it did me. It’s clear now.
By the time I reach the entrance of the gym, my breathing comes in short rasps, my chest is fuckin’ throbbin’, and I’m not sure if I’m anxious or just frustrated. I pull the door open and step inside, immediately focused on the slamming thud of metal on metal and the pungent smell of perspiration.
I look around the vast space, alive with people at various stations working out alone or in groups, whether with a trainer or supportive partner, I’m unsure. It’s hectic for sure. There’s nobody at the check-in desk, so I sign in and walk through the gym, taking a look around. It’s been years since I’ve worked out in a public setting—okay, fuckin’ years since I’ve worked out. I get it. Anxiety spikes from all the noise and expectations of judgement I’ll receive.
“Can I help you?” a sweet voice calls from behind me, and I turn around too quickly, jarring a swirl of dizziness. I don’t even have time to register the shock as I pinch my eyes closed and grab my head and shake it to clear the sudden fog. “Hey, are you okay?”